Rainy Diary 2021

[Blueberry]

 

[owl25]

rainydiary, I hope what I said wasn't too blunt. I didn't mean for it to be.

I am reflecting that I want to go somewhere and be on my own without any demands.

Are you able to give yourself some of this respite, even if temporarily?

I'm sorry for how hard it all is right now. 

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop 

...........

Blueberry 

...........

Owl, it isn't too blunt, it is much appreciated.  I've been blaming myself and it helped me disrupt that cycle of self-blame, so thank you.   

Right now exploring a break with no demands isn't possible.  Perhaps I could create that at home somehow. 
..........

Things boiled over today and I spoke lots of words to my husband.  A lot of things I've held inside came out.

It was somewhat productive as we had another conversation about a possible move.

We are both growing weary of where we live.
We talked about a possible new location.  It is a place I have always wanted to live. 

We tend to talk a lot about moving and never do.  I think we are both more serious this time. 

The thought of leaving makes my job situation a bit more bearable.  I will need to do some thinking and planning and keep in communication with my husband. 

[rainydiary]

I am reading a book called Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski.  There are many quotes that have resonated with me but this one especially did:

"That's the power of meaning.  We can tolerate any suffering, if we know why.

And not knowing is, itself, a profound type of suffering."

I'm going to let this sink in more yet wanted to record it here. 

[owl25]

rainydiary, I am so glad to hear that what I said was okay, and even better than okay. This is huge that it's interrupted the self-blame. You are absolutely not to blame for the way people are treating you at work, I am so glad you can see that.

The thought of leaving makes my job situation a bit more bearable.  I will need to do some thinking and planning and keep in communication with my husband.

Knowing that leaving is a possibility means you're not trapped in that situation, and that is huge too.  It will make coping in the meantime a bit easier

[rainydiary]

Owl, 
...........

I'm not sure what to say today.  I am feeling a bit better emotionally.  My brain hasn't really stopped.  I read something today about the system being rigged and acknowledged that I am in a rigged system.  It doesn't matter what I do, it will never be exactly right for everyone.  I hope to give my most challenging coworker less energy.  I do intend to start documenting a lot in email because I want my side of the story out there. 

Today I was wondering if on some level I didn't provide the best home care for my cat to keep the drama of the situation going to distract myself from my work situation.  Even if that was at play, it didn't really work.  It seems like her paw is better but I am afraid.  I've given her a little more space to groom it and then freak out.  I'm in the window her vet said was ok but since we haven't had success yet I don't trust that the outcome could be different. 

I feel relatively calm right now so am going to rest in that for as long as I can. 

[Armee]

Sending you some support to hopefully stttttrrrreeeetttccchh that period of calm just a little longer.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I think I was relatively calm last night. 

..........

I didn't sleep well last night.  Not only do I have a lot to do to start off the school year, but I am also continually feeling like I need to prove I am doing my job with my coworkers. 

I feel a ton of pressure to grin and bear it.  All I want to do right now is find a quiet space and get my work done.  We have a ton of mandatory trainings that eat up time the next two days. 

I think that today I am going to just care for myself.  I will sit where I want to sit and communicate through email.  Folks have taught me they don't care about me in that place so I am going to do what I need to do. 

[BeeKeeper]

hi rainy,

Your idea of allowing yourself to work when, how and where you want is keeping your power with yourself. A very valuable attitude and strategy. I went through the prolonged stress you describe, and never learned that lesson.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your validation.  My decision to do this was of course met with "Oh but we haven't seen Rainy all day" by my three most challenging colleagues.  Well, I have sent emails and they were free to say "Hey can we talk in person?"  But also, why must we always talk in person?  Especially when my most recent conversations with those people in person have been so unpleasant.  They didn't really need to see me, they just want control.

..........

As I write this, I realize how triggered I got at work today.  I was ok when I was by myself.  I went to the meetings I was expected to.  I listened to all the usual BS.  I called the union person I spoke to last week to get her ideas on my colleague that is a liar.  I tried to keep my communication in writing because I need my side of the story documented as best as I can.

We get done with trainings and I find a space to work.  All of a sudden my name is called over the intercom.  I knew it had to be something with my challenging colleagues. 

Walking into the room with them and the principal was deeply triggering.  I could feel my heart beating and I didn't make eye contact with any of them except the principal.  She says her piece and they all pretend like they are so nice and reasonable and we're just all going to have a great conversation on Wednesday.  The one that I struggle with the most was like "Oh do you want me to show you your spot?"  No I don't. 

I ask to stay so I can talk to the principal.  I wanted to know if they had come to her complaining.  She said no, but....  I tried to express my current concerns.  I also probably said things I shouldn't have.  She kept telling me to assume positive intent (which I hate and don't with these folks).  She kept saying she doesn't want me to start the year off so badly (which isn't her choice to make).  I don't want to feel the way I do either but also it sucks when you try to speak and people silence you. 

I go back and try to work and can't concentrate.  I decide to call it a day and leave.  As I'm leaving, I see one of the women that confronted me in May.  She was like are you ok how was your summer?  I told her the truth.  I told her I've needed some space and will see them all on Wednesday. 

Now I am home crying.  I need to make dinner.  I have a yoga training tonight.  It at least is a presentation led by someone and doesn't require active participation from me.  I hope to be able to settle tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Thanks San. 

.........

So since I last posted, I realize that my cat's paw is better in some ways but still not ok.  I called her vet and we will do a biopsy on Wednesday. 

Wednesday is going to be a difficult day with my cat and with work. 

I shared my work experiences with a friend and she suggested I speak to HR.  I have thought of that but I am also afraid of it. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I caught up on your journal and appreciate how self reflective and thoughtful you are about what's going on in your life. You seem like you're doing a great job navigating difficult things.

I've gone through a lot of problems with with work and don't have any easy answers. It took me a long time to realize that it's the environment and not me, but it doesn't make it any easier when I've had similar negative (bullying) experiences growing up and people turning a blind eye to what's going on, or ignoring it for their own (selfish I feel) purposes/survival. I guess what helps me now is that I've gotten to a place where I can just about see that I can make choices in my work environment and limit my exposure to them, and that it's not me, but it's still an incredible challenge and every day I want to retire.

Hope the vet visit with your cat goes well. They're such important little people in our lives 

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your words.  It is helpful to know I'm not the only one that experiences this at work.  It's unfortunate that so many do though.  I am not hopeful the system would help me.  If I speak up beyond the chain of command I've followed, it will be with the hope of improving the position for future professionals. 

..........

I did not sleep well again.  I woke up and my mind raced about work and my cat.  The air quality in my city continues to be so poor I am having to adjust my workout routine which is also adding stress. 

I am not able to find many moments of rest.  Last night the yoga meeting I had focused on grief and I spent a lot of time crying. 

I cried for my cat (as I am grieving her previous self that didn't require so many vet visits as well as the possibility that something is terribly wrong with her). 

I cried because the air is so bad I can't go outside without feeling sick.

I cried because when I think about all of my work experiences in my life, none have been positive in the long run.  I have always been a bit out of step with others. 

I cried because I am tired and haven't figured out how to rest for long. 

After that meeting, I read more in the book I am reading and there was a line that further made me grieve.  It asked "When you were little, who held you when you cried?"  I don't recall anyone.  I recall crying and feeling alone by myself from a young age. 

My husband and I continue to discuss a possible move.  It's hard for me to think about that right now because so much else is going on. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

I'm so sorry you continue to be harassed at work. It's a big drain with little time for recovery, if at all.

I tried to keep my communication in writing because I need my side of the story documented as best as I can.

Excellent idea for a lot of reasons. And if you need more documentation, you can print out your journal. Save and back up e-mails too.

You're doing all you can.