Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your support.  It is a ridiculous situation and I am not the first to experience it unfortunately. 

..........

I'm not even really sure what to say about today. 

While driving to work, my car malfunctioned.
It is an electric car with a gas engine so it just shut down while I was waiting for a red light.  Luckily I was close to home and was able to return it home and use my husband's car.  We are really fortunate to have two cars and that he doesn't need his car much. 

I need to get the car fixed and then I want to get rid of it.  Things like this pop up often with it.  It's been a pain since I got it. 

I get to work and have an email from a district administrator asking if I could meet with her and her boss about what I am experiencing. 

Her boss used to have her job and this person knows what I deal with because I told her in the past.  She always gaslights me, so I'm not sure her being involved will be helpful.  But whatever. 

I think I need to have concrete things that aren't entirely about my feelings that I would like to see changed.  It's hard to quantify, "I would like to not work with bullies."

I communicated with my colleagues about my stress with my cat and my car.  I notice they gave me space today.  I guess it was nice but experience has taught me they will find a way to retaliate.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day because we have our meeting to talk about how we don't talk to each other very well.  I will also be worried sick about my cat.  I hate having her go under anesthesia.  Today I cried multiple times anticipating that something will happen and she won't wake up. 

I will say that I feel somewhat lighter in my body.  I left work early (which I'm not really supposed to do but I did it anyways) and went to the gym to run.  I ran hard.  My legs were numb with pounding by the end (which I why I don't like running indoors but the air is still nasty).  But it feels like I let a lot out through that run.

For now I am trying to enjoy some time with my cat.  I am telling her how I care for her and that she is such a good cat.  I am so lucky that she has been my cat.  I hope that tomorrow will be something useful and not just another round of $ down the drain. 

[rainydiary]

I slept a little better last night although I did wake up in the middle of the night.  I could feel stress coursing through my body.  I tried lots of things to calm down: accupressure, stretching, writing down all the thoughts, breathing, affirmations.  None of those worked.  A lot of thoughts also came up and connections made to that stress perhaps being from the past. 

What did help me calm and finally go to sleep is reaching out and placing a hand on my husband.  I realize how touch deprived I am as a human even in my marriage.  I was able to go back to sleep for a bit.  I had some really intense dreams but at least I was asleep. 

What mostly kept me is up is how unable to enact change I feel.  I felt so strong when I thought I was going to be supported at work.
Yet this pattern of being told one thing and that changing is almost a daily occurrence.  Being told to speak up, then speaking up, and then having folks do anything but what I ask is also a regular thing. 

Another thing that kept coming up was the space they have given me to work.  It is basically in the closet of the woman who is most controlling's office.  It makes me feel trapped and I think her intention of me being in there is to have control over access to me.  I cannot find my way through that.  The whole situation makes me feel unsafe.  And yet, that isn't good enough for it to change.

I'm not sure what I am going to do.  Today I am going to take my cat to the vet and I am going to go to work.  I will do my best to be present but know I will be filled with anxiety over her.  I may take tomorrow off to be with my cat but I don't know. 

[Armee]

I'm sorry Rainy. That is so very cruel that of all places that is where they put you. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  Today I told people at work that I am bothered by this space.  Pretty sure it won't change but I intend to spend as little time there as possible. 

..........

Owl, I thought I saw a message from you this morning about what I wrote.  I appreciated what you said.  I also appreciate that my experience might be really uncomfortable for many of us. 

..........

I am worn out by today.

First my cat.  Her procedure went ok but now I am left dealing with an uncomfortable cat with two bandages and wound sites with a cone on.  I decided to call in sick for work tomorrow to stay with her (and also to give myself space).  I have several more appointments just to care for the stuff they did today.  I am supposed to hear biopsy results in 2-3 weeks.

Next work.  I continued to sit where I wanted to sit with the exception of a few meetings.  I was confronted about this today and told folks I am not comfortable in the space they gave me.  This confrontation was all about trying to control the situation. 

We had our big group conversation.  Most of my colleagues spoke using toxic positivity and ableism.  We all had a turn to talk.  When it was my turn I spoke my truth which was drastically different from the tone. 

I felt compelled to "compromise" during the meeting.  The meeting ended with the people that tend to bully me feeling the need to get in a final word to feel in control.  Of course they make it look like they are just "checking in" and "offering support."  I have people I go to for support and it will not be them.

I am in a place of learning new things and using new skills and strategies.  I can't really remember everything I said but it came from the heart.  I didn't really feel heard but I stood up for myself.

Interestingly at the vet I ran into a new colleague.  I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her.  She told me she wanted to give me a high five for what I said which I appreciated. 

I am exhausted and need to shower.  I feel bad getting up as my cat has finally settled a bit on my lap. 

[rainydiary]

Up very early today as my cat was unsettled and then peed outside her litter box.  I think she is still a bit disoriented after yesterday and at least peed on something I am not attached to and not our bed.

I also notice that the bandage on her IV catheter site looks dirty and that it might have been bleeding.  I'll call the vet when they open.  I took the day off work today to care for her and right now she is sleeping on my lap.

My husband was also restless.  Normally I wouldn't ask too much about why he couldn't sleep but I did and he shared his stress is about work.  I think we are both in a place of needing some type change especially with work.

I hope to be able to call about my car today as I haven't had the chance to do that yet.  I also thought last night how it would be if I just didn't go back to my job.  I don't think I will actually do that but at this point?

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

with everything going on, there's a lot of stress to manage and juggle. I'm sorry that your cat has even more bandages plus the cone, which has to be **** for both of you. I did find an encouraging comment about running into your colleague:

he told me she wanted to give me a high five for what I said which I appreciated.

That may seem small and random, but who knows if there is a potential friend lurking somewhere

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your validation of all that is going on.  It is a lot.  And perhaps I will have an ally in this new colleague.  I appreciate you pointing that out as I've been pretty stuck in my head that I don't see how I can continue working there.

..........

I have some small wins I want to call out.

Small win #1: Didn't need to go to the vet again today

I apparently was supposed to remove the bandage that was covering my cat's IV site.  When I called about it they didn't seem concerned. 

When I actually removed the bandage and saw that her leg was fine I was like "Oh."  Perhaps the blood was from yesterday and I just didn't notice.  But now we just have one bandage to worry about and while none of this is fun we have more of a routine around it. 

Small win #2: My car's check engine light went off. 

I still want to get rid of the car and it might be easier to do now that the light is off. 

I want to drive it around my neighborhood to see if it comes back on.

Small win #3:  My cat took the anti-inflammatory medicine they gave me on her own with her food. 

Small win #4: It occurred to me that what is eating away at me a lot about work is that I simply don't feel believed about my experience. 

Sure some folks listen.  But then they invalidate me in the next breath.  And continue to tell me I should remember that we all have a story and that I should assume positive intent.  I don't dispute that we all have a story nor am I questioning the value of my colleagues.  What I want to feel is that my experience matters.  Right now it feels like nothing is done to address the causes of problems because we don't actually want or know how to deal with bullies and trauma in work places.

I know I can't stay in this job much longer.  As BeeKeeper said, while I am there perhaps the person I saw at the vet will be an ally.  Or perhaps I will request going part time and find another part time job. 

Small win #5: I had some special moments with my husband this morning.

We both "woke" up (I think we were both not in a place of deep sleep anyhow) with our cat going around this morning.  He said he was having trouble sleeping.

Later I asked him what is keeping him up.  He shared work.  I asked if there was anything I could to do support him.  He said no and offered up why work is bothering him. 

Then he made a comment about wanting a Starbucks drink.  We had an interaction recently where I didn't understand that he was asking me for something because of the way it was said.  Based on my response he said, "I was trying to ask ...."  So now I know how to read some of his comments. 

It's actually cool that we are both relying on each other differently than we have in the past.  And it's becoming more mutual.  I think our ways of asking can still be a bit abrasive to each other but we both grew up in homes where our needs weren't prioritized. 

We were able to walk to Starbucks together this morning and share some time together. 

[Snowdrop]

Being told to speak up, then speaking up, and then having folks do anything but what I ask is also a regular thing.

This resonates with me, Rainy. I used to work in a place that made a big thing about speaking up. They even made posters and flyers about it. But speaking up is one thing, having someone listen to what you say and act on it is another, and this was sadly lacking.

I'm glad you have some wins.

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop, it helps me to know you can relate.  What is hardest for me is the standard I am held to feels different than others.   

.........

When I took this day off I reported it is a sick day as opposed to a personal day since I would be caring for my cat and she is sick.   It's interesting how that shifted my mindset in how I approached myself today too.  I cried a lot today and it was very healing.  I have been mentally and emotionally sick and needed a sick day. 

Sometimes when I am in an EF, it feels like I have to get to the "bottom."  I notice that as I am working through an EF, layers and layers and layers of things are touched on.  I would say I have been dealing with the same EF or a series of EFs since May.  And today I think I finally got to the bottom. 

The realization that I want to be believed about my experience in my job really cleared my heart out.  I'm tired of being told to see things a different way.  It excuses things done my others that shouldn't be excused.  I'm tired of the gaslighting.  I accept now that others aren't going to honor this need of mine and can adjust my expectations accordingly.

Today I also tried to not be attached to things having to go a certain way.  For example, for many months I have been working out in the mornings.  In the spring, I was able to get my running done before work and prefer that if I can do it.  But the air has been so bad and I can't finish my run before work, so I've been trying to be more accepting of the need to go after work and for dinner to be at a different time than I might like.  It's going ok.  It'll probably be harder as work gets going more. While routines aren't bad, I tend to rigidly hold onto routines for dear life in order to avoid life.   

My husband and I planned a trip to the place we are thinking of moving.   I am really excited.  It won't be until November so hopefully whatever is going on with my cat will be figured out. 

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but I find myself less emotionally reactive than I have been.  I am worried about emails I'll have and how people will treat/speak to me...but I am on my way out of there and that feels good. 

I have also decided to start doing the bare minimum.  I do a lot of extra things that are important to me and that I think are helpful to others.  Sometimes others will tell me those things help but at this point I just can't do it anymore especially as it seems most people don't care. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

i have gotten to be a big lover of routines after living a gypsy life for so long.  to me, it feels comfortable and safe to know/expect what i'm going to be doing, when, and how.  i think they're also very soothing at times of disruption to our psyche.  our weather is too hot right now for me to get into my routine of morning walks or workouts in the gym - it's left me feeling fatigued and lethargic, which has interrupted these seemingly simple accomplishments.  it's very off-putting mentally and emotionally to me, and i can't wait till the weather settles down and i can return to some semblance of a routine.

i hear ya, my dear.  this is temporary, i know that, and that's what i'm hanging onto.  best to you with finding some semblance of peace of mind.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words.  I think routines are good overall.  It is trauma informed to know what to expect.  I notice in myself that I put a ton of pressure on things going a certain way and when they don't then having a lot of shame around that.  Perhaps that isn't really the routine but something else.

..........

I am starting the day off tired and stressed.

Another night of interrupted sleep.  My husband wasn't settled most of the night and there came a time where I could hear my cat rustling around.  I got up to give her a break from the cone so that she could use the litter box and had hoped to fall back asleep after.  That didn't happen.

The thought of going to work today does not feel good.  I don't want to be there at all.  I do want to see the students but otherwise that place is the main source of all stress I am currently feeling. 

When I really think about what happened on Wednesday, I saw that I was the only one that was called to make changes to my schedule to accommodate others.  It is personal and it is targeted.  I feel a lot of stress over my schedule because so many "you can't do this, you can't do thats" have been thrown at me. 

I cannot succeed in that place.  It makes me sad and it is a heavy burden to carry. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy

I was the only one that was called to make changes to my schedule to accommodate others.

This makes me so mad! The forum doesn't allow expletives but that's what I wanna say!

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

personally, my opinion is that we are taught to be ashamed - it's not a natural feeling when we're born, so it must come from someplace besides ourselves.  i think you might have the spark of a realization when you said it might be something else that's causing the shame, not the routine itself.

if you can or want to, imagine us holding up ends and sides of that burden so you don't have to carry it alone.  we're here for you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, me too...and it got worse today.  I will share more below.

.........

San, I agree that shame is taught in small moments of how others react to us.  I like the image of being held up.  I'm going to need it more moving forward.

.........

I got to work today and expected some email acknowledgement of what I expressed on Wednesday.  My email was suspiciously quiet. 

I am sitting working and the principal comes down and asks if I can meet with her.  I go to meet with her. 

In ultimate gaslighting fashion, the concerns I've been raising are now being put back on me. 

The principal stated that she is "worried about me."  She claims to be worried about me as a person but kept bringing up her concern of how I would interact with students.  She told me she called HR to ask what options I might have and that I could take a medical leave if I needed to.  She continues to tell me how everyone has a story and basically I need to understand I am not the only person with needs.

Given that I was expecting something like this, I maintained eye contact and calm.  I could tell the situation called me for "faking it" as I do not want to be fired or accused of something that isn't true (which it sort of sounds like I am).  But the implication that I wouldn't manage my feelings in interacting with students is deeply insulting. 

I told her expectations have been made very clear and I will do my best to meet them.  I said things I know she wants to hear but in a way that doesn't make me feel like I sold my soul.  But also I don't buy that she cares about me and my well-being.  If she did, she would actually address the underlying issues I have shared instead of gaslighting me and accusing me of being a liability.  Also, she is covering her butt by calling HR which is some real bull.  I think it is also partly because I told someone that my assigned workspace is triggering my trauma. 

I am pretty disgusted by the way I'm being treated.  The entire system is rigged so I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in this organization.  Apparently I am a liability for speaking truth.   

I shared what happened with the union person I've been speaking with.  I have lowered my expectations of myself.  I have sat where they expect me to sit some of the day.  I have to go back to surface level conversations with most people here.  And if it gets any worse, I will quit. 

I hope that everyone I've made uncomfortable feels better for "getting me in trouble."  I haven't done anything wrong and am tired of my story being shaped by jerks. 

[rainydiary]

The effects of the gaslighting are setting in.

I am blaming myself.

I feel terribly alone.

I feel like I have messed up badly.

I feel under a microscope.

I feel hurt.

I am sure there are many things I could have approached differently.  And yet I don't think I am imagining how one sided this all feels.  The message is: Rainy you are the problem.

You are making others uncomfortable

Your body language isn't pleasing to me

Why do you keep pushing this?

*sigh*