Rainy Diary 2021

[sanmagic7]

gaslighting sucks so bad.  to my mind, one of the worst parts of it is the self-doubt and confusion that are bred in our minds.  i'm so sorry you're going thru this - it sounds totally toxic to me.  sending love and a hug filled with strength to keep putting one foot in front of another.  and, yep, we're helping you carry this.  you're not alone.   

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  Last night when my cat had woken me up and my mind inevitably began to go, I thought, "I can learn from this."  They can have their expectations of me and I can take care of myself while learning. 

..........

Last night a coworker that is often an ally but also a huge source of confusion for me texted me and basically asked "Why are you going to be out on Monday?" (the office sends out who will be absent each day).  I only plan to be out an hour/hour and a half to take my cat to the vet (which did not come across in the communication from the office).   

Her reaction made me realize others are going to freak....and that the principal and others probably thought my staying at home on Thursday was related to work.  I stayed home on Thursday to support my cat in recovery.  Sure work was part of it, but if my cat had been well I would have gone to work. 

I don't have to explain why I take sick or personal days but felt compelled to make sure people knew I would only be late on Monday.  I don't like this feeling of having to explain myself.  And this will likely continue.  Another sign of toxicity.  The fact that I made plans with people and have the information available on my calendar is not enough.

As I mentioned to San, I realize that I can learn from this.  In my recovery and healing journey, I have changed a lot inside.  They can't see that.  I can't control what will trigger me.  Surprisingly that BS conversation with the principal didn't (that conversation hurt but I am in the present with that)...being asked why I am missing work did a bit.  The colleague that asked is dealing with a child struggling with mental illness so I think her reaching out was more about her.  And yet...*sigh*

What do I hope to learn from this?  How I can advocate for myself at work while I am in an EF.  Actually, I think I do do that just fine.  My words tend to come out more blunt and straightforward when I am in an EF...and that makes people uneasy.  I don't have the right to hurt others and if I have I would apologize.  I haven't been given concrete examples of hurt caused, just general and vague comments that are essentially saying "You aren't being pleasing to others."  Perhaps if I said the things I said in a sugary sweet way with a lot of euphemism it would go down easier.  But I can't do that. 

In my heart I don't see that I've hurt anyone with actions other than telling the truth or taking care of myself which aren't personal attack on others.  I'm pretty angry that all their little digs and disrespectful actions have added up to pushing me to this point and then telling me I'm not "meeting them halfway" and possibly not fit to interact with students. 

So maybe what I hope to learn is how to still care for and about myself when things are difficult.  How to still believe and love myself when others are gaslighting.  If I can, leave a job sooner when it is so toxic (although my experience is that this is kind of how it is in education which makes me sad for children).  How to be kind to myself and allow myself to feel the pain of what is happening.  And to remember that I am an adult, not a child stuck with a family I can't get away from. 

[rainydiary]

I am worn out today.  Saturdays are still my long run day.  The run today was very long and hot.  I am feeling really worried about the actual event I am training for.  I'm worried I won't be able to finish.  My husband made a good point - I can go as far as I can and stop when I need to. 

I am still feeling hurt by work.  All I could hear today was the principal saying "You said, you said, you said" and throwing all the things I've been saying in my face with a tone I don't know how to put into words.  She was kind of exasperated and half laughing like "can anyone believe this?"  I can see that she was uncomfortable and I've pushed her limits.  But it sucks because I know what she was doing and it hurts.  I am not sure how to act anymore and feel like I will be watched more closely.  The pressure of it all is getting to me. 

Last night when I inevitably woke up because of my cat, my brain was going and I had the thought, "I can learn from this."  I also realized today during running that I still don't love myself very well at work.  I only see myself through the eyes of others.  I hope to find a way to focus on something good about myself each day. 

I'm upset too because I often find myself in this place in jobs.  I don't know exactly how I got here other than I operate from a different place than others.  I hate that I feel taken advantage of and like a dumping ground for others.  And now that I am standing up for myself I am being punished. 

I hope to get some sleep tonight.  My cat has been more annoying at night.  She goes to the vet on Monday for her bandage to be changed.  I am worried they are going to judge me in that she has licked the areas on her legs where they shaved her.  I have just felt out of my depth with her for months and I feel terrible.  There is no end in sight with this and I am tired. 

[rainydiary]

I had a relatively undisturbed night of sleep which is helpful.  My cat was more settled and my mind didn't race as much.  I am still up somewhat early but I'll take it.

As I sit here in the quiet of the morning, I am noticing that I am thinking about the number of people telling me they care and they want what is best with me while also meaning something else.  It reminds of growing up when my parents would identify their harsh behavior as being necessary because they love me. 

I think these types of comments are more reflective of the other person than me.  Perhaps they do/did want to help me but they lose their way.  I also think that what I really need/needed help with is caring about myself which none of these folks can/could teach me because they don't care for themselves.

I got sunburned on my run yesterday which makes me feel lousy.  I haven't gotten a sunburn in a long time.  It makes me edgy now because I am at risk for skin cancer and my doctor tends to get edgy with me about my skin.  All I can do now is care for my skin currently and keep an eye out for any changes and be more mindful of those spots in the future. 

I hope to be gentle with myself today.  I have a difficult road ahead.  I hope that I will return to the present in my mind and body as much as I can.

[Blueberry]

rainydiary, I'm sending support and care 

I've had to deal with very long-drawn out pet illness before and often felt bad because I couldn't keep up to the vet's or my own expectation of care. So I can relate.

The situation at your work-place reminds me of what I go through with my ll. I've thought that several times while reading your Journal. I know it's really hard. I wish there was a magic wand, but there isn't unfortunately.

I hope too that you can be gentle with yourself today.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, your words meant a lot when I read them earlier today.  It helps me to know I am not the only one dealing with a long term pet illness.  My heart is breaking over this as I can't let my cat be a cat to try to help her heal...and yet we don't know what we are trying to heal.  I appreciate the chance to read about your LL experiences as it helps me feel less alone.

.........

Today is proving to be relatively chill.  I am processing a lot of feelings and able to rest (or what counts as rest for me). 

My husband and I watched this documentary on Netflix about a fight between two US basketball teams and fans in the early 2000s.  In these stories, I recognize fellow trauma survivors.  I don't know why watching this helped me see examples of people most likely living with CPTSD struggling live for all to see with the same situations I am.  It made me realize that anyone can get caught up in a situation where individuals with more power will use their power against others.

This week I hope to try out identifying things I love about myself.  Today I love that I am resting.  Tomorrow at work I plan to focus on loving myself for showing up. 

[Armee]

Sending you thoughts of strength, self compassion and a nice protective bubble for the work week Rainy.

[owl25]

rainy, I have been away so just coming back to the forum today. I just wanted to respond about my post - I was concerned that maybe my response would be distressing to you and I was unsure if it was helpful. It wasn't there for long, but it sounds like you saw it anyway. I'm sorry you're in such a bad work environment and how awful they are treating you.

I hope your cat is doing a little bit better each day. I hope you can manage to not take things too much to heart at work. They are just bullies there and you won't be able to change them, no matter what you do. The best thing you can do is see through their tactics and focus on having compassion for yourself and for the parts of you that these bullies hurt.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I loved myself for showing up today at work and now that folks are getting busier it is a bit easier to find some space for myself. 

.........

Owl, no worries.  I wasn't upset by your post and appreciate you thinking of my experience.  I appreciate your words and support.

..........

I am in a relatively ok place today. 

I have accepted that my cat is going to wake me up earlier than I care for her too and so am finding it easier to sleep as long as I can.  My nights have been less interrupted by own brain. 

I took her to the vet for a check in on the sutures in her paw and to re-bandage her paw.  She was in and out relatively quick.
That is good news but I am (and she is) so tired of this.  I take her back on Friday for her sutures to be removed and I think they will wrap her paw for healing.  This isn't even actually addressing whatever is going on.  Still waiting for the results of her biopsy.

I didn't want to go to work but was proud of myself for showing up.  I had some difficult moments - my internet connection kept dropping on a virtual meeting where was my presence was very much needed and a situation I shared with others was immediately escalated to a superior.  In the past both of these would have activated my ICr and derailed my day.  In both situations I asked the main person for feedback through email and moved on. 

I am learning to lower what I expect of myself in a day.  I did my best to be present in places where others have indicated they want my presence (even though I disagree).  In some of those places I just saw dysfunction that others try to put on me but I see with my own eyes is present whether I am there or not.  I have accepted that I won't have a desk to keep stuff at this year.  I got by and even had some time to think. 

I ran into the principal today and I think came across in a way she would find acceptable.  I have accepted that the bullying won't be addressed and that I will leave my job in May with no remorse. 

I think what is difficult to describe is that lots of small moments have added up and hurt me.  Then there are systems in place that perpetuate people being allowed to treat one another in those small ways with no consequence.  I don't like that but I am tired and need to care for myself. 

[rainydiary]

I am not starting in a good place today. 

My cat woke me up even earlier last night and I couldn't get back to sleep. 

So then my mind starts going. 

That is all I can get down right now. 

[Armee]

 

I'm wishing you a soothing day, Rainy, and a more restful night tonight.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armee, I am still tired but my nervous system at least calmed down as the day went on.  I appreciate your support.   

........

Whew I made it to the evening and am currently relaxing with my cat and husband.

This morning I realized I am at a point where I am overwhelmed in all areas of my life and don't feel like I can get the rest I need because no where is restful. 

I felt so angry at my cat this morning.  None of this is her fault.  I know she is only trying to find ways to make herself more comfortable and I feel a lot of shame that I can't help her.  I used a harsher tone with her at points than I usually do and it hurts me that I did that. 

I ran in my neighborhood this morning as it was dark when I started and I don't feel safe running on the trail in the dark.  I was chased by two unleashed dogs in my neighborhood.  I don't understand why my neighbors do this. 
While I was running my thoughts just kept cycling and cycling and cycling.  Our air quality is still not great and my whole run all I could think is that I am harming myself by being outdoors. 

This morning I was reflecting on how I saw that someone I knew in college had a family member die unexpectedly while hiking.  That made me feel ashamed for being wrapped up in the problems I am having.  I do appreciate being alive and having the chance to keep trying.  I think seeing the experience of that family member dying really impacted me in a way I wasn't expecting. 

I shared with my husband that I am stressed and not doing well.  When I left for work he came out to wave at me (which at first scared me because I thought something was wrong).  Then he found a job he thought I would like.  It was all really kind of him.

I had more student meetings today which helped.  They are my reason for being there.  There is still a lot of other stuff going on.  I'm trying to not react as much to it.  There is something weird going on beneath the surface especially with my most challenging colleague.  My opinion is that the deep down truth is she hates her job and is trying to bring everyone down to her level. 

Well I hope to get more sleep tonight.  Tomorrow I am expected to work late so my sleep will continue to be impacted. 

[Armee]

Oh gosh I relate to what happened with your husband this morning! I remember panicking that something was wrong a couple months ago because he came out and stood in the driveway when I pulled in. He was just helping me unload groceries. 

Being overwhelmed by everything is really really hard. I've slowly been learning when that happens something has to give.

I really also relate to the cycle of thoughts and what really stuck out to me was this:

This morning I was reflecting on how I saw that someone I knew in college had a family member die unexpectedly while hiking.  That made me feel ashamed for being wrapped up in the problems I am having.  I do appreciate being alive and having the chance to keep trying.  I think seeing the experience of that family member dying really impacted me in a way I wasn't expecting.

.

I noticed a couple years ago that anytime a strong feeling would come up (like just normal grief about something sad)...in just a split second my brain would turn the narrative into something that was wrong with me (like you feeling guilty or ashamed for being wrapped up in your problems). I did this automatically and not consciously with any strong pure emotion. What it did was turned the emotion from one that was overwhelming (sadness or anger or hurt usually, for me) into something I could deal with and fix...something wrong with ME. I'm a bad person and need to try harder to fix myself. Food for thought...why did news of your friend's family member dying turn into something bad about you?

[sanmagic7]

thank goodness for kindness.  i'm so glad you have some in your life even while the rest of everything is overwhelming you.  keep taking care of you, rainy, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your connection too with husbands being kind and it feeling like danger.  I'm honestly not sure yet what was so upsetting about that individual dying.  What is coming to mind first is that his family initially posted he was missing and they were hoping for his safety.  I had a bad feeling the outcome wouldn't be as good because hikers going missing in our area often result in really bad news.  I think imagining what they were going through and how difficult that must have been really caught my heart.  Loss is something I expect and have experienced so much so I think any loss even outside of myself feels heavy. 
.........

San, I appreciate your support and reminders.  Today has been a little harder to care for myself but I am doing my best.

.........

I am writing this while waiting for Back to School Night to start.  I really detest this event and ones like it - I am expected to be here even though it makes no sense for me to be.  The all or nothing mentality of how we are treated is super annoying. 

Today I heard from my cat's vet with preliminary biopsy results.  The results indicate some type of allergy or environmental cause which the vet said could be food related.  That really stood out to me - this all started when she was switched to a kidney diet.  So it seems that she is having an allergic reaction to her food.  Hopefully we can switch her food out this Friday when I take her to have her sutures removed.  This overall made me feel relieved because this seems like something easy to adjust.

I decided to apply for the job my husband found.  His friend works for the company and shared that they have been interviewing individuals and so I might be entering the process too late...but I tried and now know I can seek out opportunities like this. 

Work is still challenging but the new colleague I ran into at the vet is already experiencing things I've experienced over the past several years and she has been here like a week.  This validates me and makes me feel better.  It isn't me. 

Well I hope this evening goes ok and that I am able to go to sleep easily when I get home.  My cat woke me up again at 2:30 am but I was able to go back to sleep for a bit today.