Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

San, thank you. 
..........

I had a bad stomachache last night and woke up as a result.  Sometimes eating popcorn does not agree with me and that happened. 

In reflecting on my time in my job, I can see how the actions of my colleagues are way more about them than me. 

But CPTSD complicates it.  They do not understand that each time they do something to question or control me it goes to a very deep and old place within me.

In reflecting on myself, I do see that I am not being triggered by them as I have in the past.  There is a part of me that is angry and is keeping me in the present.  This is a time for me to learn. 

I find my colleagues and their lives sad if this is how they feel they need to treat another person.  I wish I didn't feel as hurt as I do but I hope one day to be able to fully see this isn't about me. 

I applied for another job last night before going to bed.  I don't want to overdo it with applications.  I am considering getting licensure in the new state.  I know I could get a job in my current field.  I think I need to wait some and let some of the processes I've entered play out a bit. 

I am going to run soon and then go to work.  Reminding myself my goal is to show up. 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, cptsd always complicates it.  i'm glad to see you are understanding more that it's about them rather than you.  sending love and a hug filled with support.

[rainydiary]

San, CPTSD certainly colors everything.  I appreciate your support.   

.........

For the time being I think Tuesdays will be my favorite day.  I see my most favorite students and am able to get out of the terrible workspace I've been bullied into using. 

Today I was able to talk more with the lady who is new and is experiencing the things I've experienced.  She and I didn't get to talk as much yesterday and I felt really alone.  Today we talked more and it helped. 

It's still hard to be there.  I saw my most challenging colleague go into the office today and all I could think is "what have I done now?"  I didn't get told off by anyone today so I will take it. 

I should have time to take it easy tonight.  I think that will help a lot. 

[rainydiary]

I was reflecting on my day and remembered something I wanted to record.

I am aware how many students I work with feel safe enough in our work together to be their true selves and to share hard truths too. 

It warms my heart to see students I work telling their teachers what they want (even if the teachers are jerks about it) and sharing their stories with me. 

I hope to hold on the feeling I got today when students told me and showed me their truth. 

It made me wonder if something about my presence puts others in a place of showing their true colors including the uglier side as my colleagues are. 

I don't want to lose my unique approach to my work.  I think it is needed and valued by my students.  I hope it helps them in the long run. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, it sure sounds like your unique approach is working well for your students.  i believe you are able to allow them to feel comfortable and safe.  i don't know how old these students are, but feeling those 2 things around adults, especially adults in a position of authority, takes a very special approach and  sends out a 'vibe' that they can count on.   it encourages trust, which is very hard to come by.  keep up the good work, my dear.  you've given your students something special that they will always remember and it will continue to encourage them even after they're done and gone.

sending love and a hug filled with  .   

[Papa Coco]

Hi RainyDiary,

Sorry to hear about the toxic work environment you're in. I've been in a few of those. Not fun! But it's good to read in your earlier post that you aren't as affected by the toxicity as you used to be. Sounds like your healing is in progress. Moving forward. That's the goal. To feel better and stronger today than we did yesterday, or last month, or last year.

It's heartwarming to read that you connect with students who trust you. To me connection is a synonym for love. Mother Teresa used to say "Love not put into action is only a word."  If I replace the word love with its synonym, then "Connection not put into action is only a word."

You said you wonder if there's something in your presence that puts others in a place of showing their true colors. I believe the answer is yes.

I believe that those of us who are Fawn Types in the CPTSD spectrum have a level of empathy that others can sense--as if by radar. Empathy is the ability to connect with others through similar experiences. Empathy is real and some of us use it to draw people together for healing and support. Just being who you are attracts people to you. Your honesty and openness give them a safe connection to be honest and open also. In my opinion that's something to be proud of. You aren't using your difficult past to make their lives difficult too, you're using your difficult past to make others' lives better.

I'm not a religious person, but I believe that if there's a heaven it's for people who use their lives as a tool to help others feel valued, equal and connected. If there's a H**l its for those who use their lives as a weapon to try to make others feel less valuable, less important, or isolated.

Your post is uplifting. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  These students are high schoolers so around 14-18 years old.  I have come to appreciate what a uniquely challenging time that is in an individual's life.  I hope I offer things that will help them in their life.   
..........

Papa Coco, I appreciate your words and reflection.  Language is such a cool thing in that we have words that describe nuances and variation and are intertwined.  I do think some of the negative reaction I am getting is that I used to Fawn a lot at work.  Lately I've intentionally Fawned just to smooth things over...but I think some folks miss being able to push me around like they used to.  I have some experiences from today to reflect on below.  I appreciate your words and support.
..........

Today has been something.  Not necessarily bad just heavy and I am tired.  Wednesdays are typically my hardest day for a number of reasons. 

The most recent weird thing that happened today is related to my husband and in-laws.  My husband approached me when I got home to say his parents "invited" us to a concert in November in our current city.  This concert is on a Wednesday night.  My chest is a tight writing this because just the thought of them and this "invitation" are annoying to me.

Surprisingly, my husband said "I plan to tell them you can't go because of work."  He is being very cool about my need for boundaries with them.  He is correct, I have no interest in going to a concert in November on a Wednesday night with his parents. 

I am feeling anxious about this "we're coming to your city" in this way.  I think it is a reaction to my husband telling them we are moving even farther away from them and the fact that he has really shifted his relationship with them.  I put "invitation" in quotations because anything they are initiating comes with a catch. 

Work today was interesting.  During a meeting I was expected to rearrange my schedule for, the colleague I have the most trouble with on a day to day basis started crying and ran out of the room because of some direct statements I made.  It was ridiculous.  She is rude to me and to others on a constant basis and then cries when it thrown back at her. 

I don't doubt that her job is hard.  I know it is.  But her way of managing the difficultly of it is to lie, blame others, micromanage, control, and be toxically positive.  I tried to initiate a conversation after she started crying and asked her after the meeting if we needed to check in.  She said no and that is all I can do.

I have found an ally at work.  That is helping a lot.  She is experiencing the same things I am with this person and others.  She is assertive and willing to speak up.  I am hoping that her voice will be heard and confirm things I've been trying to say.   

[rainydiary]

Processing my day a bit more.  My colleague crying is still on my mind. 

She met with the person I find to be my ally and also cried in that meeting.  She told that person she "doesn't know how she comes across." 

I find her behavior so frustrating.  And I think it is all eating at me now because I worry she keeps "telling" on me and my ally as we both keep getting called out by administrators for things.  It's like "how about you call out this person we are telling you is causing all this trouble?"

Things are shifting and they can either shift in a good direction or not. 

[sanmagic7]

good luck with that shift, rainy.  i do hope it goes in a pos. way.

the students i worked with were also adolescents.  i absolutely love that population!  i remember being told in grad school by another student that adolescents and addicts were the two most difficult populations to work with, the success rate is low, and there's no money there.  i found them challenging at first, but once i broke thru, there was no stopping them as far as trusting me, seeking me out, and feeling safe.  it sounds like you've gotten thru in the same way.  to me, it was one of the best feelings in the world.

so glad you found an ally - i hope that helps both of you.  i had one as well, at the time, and it made all the difference, helped me feel more confident in my approach.

sounds like you also have an ally in your hub.  so very glad for you.  keep taking care, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I also really enjoy working with adolescents.  I had always worked with preschool/elementary aged students and was nervous to work in a high school.  I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning in my approach but overtime have come to really appreciate this age.  I think that because a lot of folks are nervous to work with adolescents they might not get the love they still need from us. 

I also do appreciate how much my husband and I have grown together. 

..........

I'm not feeling my best right now.  I'm worried I am sick.  I have been wearing a mask most of the time at work.  Given that I am stuffed in a small room/closet with 6 other people at work, I wouldn't be surprised if I am sick.  I'll see how I feel in the morning and decide what to do from there. 

I don't have much to say about this day.  I knuckled under and am just doing the bare minimum.  I do my best to give all I can to students.  But my work conditions and my desire to continue to work in this place have gone way down. 

I am working toward a way out but that doesn't change right now.  I have almost reached my goal of showing up for work each day.  I don't want to show up tomorrow if I am sick. 

[rainydiary]

This day has had some real rough spots and I am ending the day with pretty low esteem.

Nothing went particularly wrong.  I do feel I ran my mouth a bit more than I should have at work.  It was mostly in private (well relative private) with people I trust.  I did speak about something that happened in a stairwell and worry my voice carried.

Yesterday I was asked to do a self rating of a rubric that is used in my employee evaluation.  I am convinced that my evaluator is going to rate me low on some things given what has been going on.  This makes so mad.  It hasn't happened yet but I am mad at the thought of it. 

My workspace is making me so unhappy.  Today someone shut off the lights in the room which shuts off the lights in the space I am in.  I heard too many conversations that I think should be private.  Every loud video or song or whatever that is played in the classroom the space is inside is heard.  It is not a good space to work.  I plan to start going to the library to work since "there is no space." 

I got home and my husband was talking to me about his work.  He is a manager and when he speaks about employees and their struggles, I began to take it really personally.  I ended up losing my temper with him because he hasn't been particularly helpful around the house.  And his parents have been in my business more than usual on social media. 

All of these gripes and underneath I feel like a terrible person.  I think a part of me feels like I could have prevented all this.  And yet I couldn't.  I've been pushed and pushed and pushed and I finally pushed back and things changed.  I also feel like I cannot be a good employee.

I would also say another thing bothering me is a student I work with disclosed physical abuse to her teachers.  I am so proud of her for speaking up but seeing her at school is impacting me.  She is clearly not in a good place and no one is really giving her understanding I think a fellow survivor could give.  Still expecting her to show up and "do school" when she is clearly triggered.  Her situation feels parallel to mine in many ways in terms of my past and what I am dealing with currently. 

I am hoping to get to bed early as I am supposed to run tomorrow.   

[rainydiary]

I didn't sleep so well last night and am having trouble finding motivation to get ready for my long run. 

Last night I ended up crying when I realized how much I have been bothered (and have probably been in an EF) by the experience with the student I know.

I work with a few students that I feel an especial kinship to because I know they experience abuse.  The systems in place for dealing with that (calling Child Protective Services, supports at school, suggesting they go to support groups) are inadequate.  It is extremely painful to be in a situation you can't really escape from and I see their future colored by CPTSD.

The three students that come to mind have all said or done something that I immediately recognize as trauma response and the reality of living with harmful families. 

The two things that often haunt are when these students say or do the following :

They say: "I can tell by their tone/face I will be in for it later."

They do: Parent openly being critical of student in a meeting, student clearly in freeze

(last year when we did our meetings over Zoom and families were in their home versus meeting us at school was very eye opening)

When I bring these moments up to my colleagues (especially the school psychologists), they have canned responses or interpretations of what is happening that break my heart.  They do not get it. 

Last night I cried for these students and how speaking up and sharing your experience doesn't feel like it helps.  That student shared that her parent is physically abusing her yet as far as I know she is still going home to that and now CPS is involved which may or may not make things "worse." 

It weighs heavy on me that I have speaking up more for myself in the past several months and many things feel worse.  I feel like that trapped child.  The truth is I could quit and not go back.  I'm not sure what I am trying to prove by continuing to voluntarily put myself in this situation.  I need the income and I enjoy my students and that currently is why I go. 

What feels worse is the response of others.  It hurts that they act like I am in the wrong and it makes me question myself.  I'm sure there are things I could do in different ways in the future.  But it hurts when people do things that are harmful and then when I stand up to that they refuse to reflect on what they have done to contribute.  And they don't understand what happens inside of me. 

I often wonder what trauma these folks have experienced that has led to their need to control and create scapegoats and operate in secrecy and appear so heartless.  They tell themselves they are doing this "for students" but it is a protective measure and it is also mean. 

I wonder if I could create a new story I tell myself right now.  My story would be about the courageous and strong heroine that faces her past and present demons each day in order to create safe spaces for children that really need it.  My story wouldn't need to understand or explain why others are behaving the way they are because, no matter how hard my inner critic tries to convince me it is my fault, that isn't about me.

This will give me something to think about my run. 

[Bach]

 

[sanmagic7]

i love the idea for your story, rainy.  i hope you continue it.  it sounds inspiring and uplifting.

i have gone thru a long period in my life where i was full of self-doubt (especially professionally) because of the words and actions of others, their 'canned' responses to problems i saw as needing a specific kind of action.  i relate to so much of what you've written, the population you work with, and how you're treated by your colleagues.  it totally sucks.  may i encourage you to stick with your perspective and your way of caring.  i find it refreshing, admirable, and on point.  they don't get it, indeed!  but, you do.  the consequences of that is the trust that has been fostered in the kids with whom you work, how they steer themselves toward your presence, and how they feel safe enough to reveal their own truths to you.

i know that those kids will take your way of being with them into the future.  you may not see it right now, but your words and actions have made an impact on them and they'll remember you.  you have provided a much needed service to youth by being genuine.  i'm behind you all the way - i just wish you didn't have to do this in the midst of a bunch of . . . well, insert your favorite noun there.  i've also struggled with colleagues on a emdr forum - 1000's of therapists from all over the world, and have still run into the exact same problem.  we are courageous to speak our truths and stand by our beliefs.  they just don't get it, either, most of them.  all we can do is what we know.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing courage and strength

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate the 
..........

San, thank you for your words.  I am sure I will read them again at some point.  What I know is that I trust myself with students and I do what I know is right for them.  I appreciate all that you shared.

..........

I ran 24 miles today.  It was challenging and I cried at the end.

While running my thoughts began with work.  In my mind I say all the things I want to say but won't actually say.  I am still blaming myself.  I am still taking all responsibility for the actions of others.  I hope to find ways to ease up on myself. 

The longer I ran, the more other memories came up.  Memories of friendships I tried to make with crushes.  I approached it so oddly with notes and letters and intensity that brought a lot of negative attention especially from my parents. 

I began to hear and feel the pressure from my parents to not be a quitter as I contemplate quitting my run and quitting my job and quitting the town I live in. 

It also amazes me that I can stay motivated to run so far and yet still feel so angry and sad and hurt and broken inside. 

I will be pretty worn out for the rest of the day.  I hope to get to bed early.  It's hard to enjoy my day after one of these runs.  It takes it all out of me.