Rainy Diary 2021

[owl25]

Hi rainy, I just caught up on your journal and want to say that I think you are handling things so well. It's a really tough situation to be in with work and family. I see everyone putting pressure on you to behave or do things that they want from you, as if you exist for them and are supposed to fulfill some kind of need. They really don't have that right. You are your own person with your own needs, and I see you taking care of yourself while being under immense pressure from others. Good for you. You know you won't be in the current situation forever, and you are planning your way out. I am so glad your students feel safe with you; even if you can't change their home situation directly for them, you are giving them something invaluable which is the knowledge that there are safe people out in the world to provide emotional support. Just being able to tell someone and not have to carry things by themselves is a big deal. I always found the worst of my experience was feeling so completely and utterly alone in the world, and what's helped me so much in healing has been learning that I don't have to be alone and I am not alone. It's hard that you can't fix things for them overnight, but you can offer support and guidance and hopefully once those kids graduate they can find their own way away from those harming them, knowing that they deserve to be safe. In getting support from you now they will have enough confidence or courage to take those steps.

I hope you've recovered from your run somewhat 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

a thought -  i can see your decisions as ones of making moves that best benefit you, rather than simply 'quitting'.  your job is filled with toxic people which is making your work environment untenable.  the city in which you live holds neg. connotations for you. running is a very personal thing, a specific connection between you and your body, one that no one else could possibly guess at which point it is harmful to keep going.  i guess i can see these situations as ones that quit on you, rather than you quitting them, if that makes any sense.

i can also see your decisions as being those of self-care.  i think they're very brave decisions.  i don't see you as a quitter - if you were, you certainly wouldn't be here on this forum struggling to figure things out in order to live a healthier life.  sending love and a hug filled with self-confidence.   

[rainydiary]

Owl, I deeply appreciate the words you shared with me.  It is helpful to have your perspective and validation.  I've been really stuck in my head and worry that I'm beginning to believe the version of events these folks are trying to push on me.  I will try to carry the reminder with me that I am holding space and providing support for students.
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San, I appreciate your words as they help me reframe my thoughts.  I will carry them with me this week.
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A lot of feelings today.  I'm mostly tired.  Tired of and from running.  Tired of work.  Tired of losing my passion.  I napped today and had some rather intense dreams which surprised me.

Earlier today I was remembering a time of deep stress where my mom was trying to find a home for us when we moved.  I don't remember a lot of details but her stress level and anxiety and confusion and worry during that time.  I didn't realize I was carrying that with me. 

I am feeling frustrated with the slowness of this time.  I am waiting to hear from any jobs I applied to and given that I'm not sure these will pan out as they are outside my current field, I started applying for licensure in the new state.  The bureaucracy of each state is at odds with the other.  In time this all will sort out but it takes time and money and patience which is intensified by the continued challenges with COVID.

I think I also want my new reality to be here now and to not have to continue with now.  I am waiting for more retaliation at work.  It's tough because I am beginning to believe them that I'm not friendly or good at my job or worth much. 

I think it will be difficult to establish a new narrative for myself right now.  I am trying to learn as much as I can and take steps forward. 

[sanmagic7]

i say pooh on those people who cause you to doubt yourself.   

please, be patient with yourself, ok?  adjusting to change takes time, and you have a lot on the horizon.   love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I will do my best to be patient with myself.   
..........

I am having trouble getting started today.  I felt fine all weekend and wake up today feeling "sick."  I know it is because I don't want to go to work.

I fear having an email waiting that says I need to meet with someone to talk about my demeanor.  I fear that all this emotion I am feeling right now will boil over into actions that continue this cycle.

I took steps this morning to continue on my journey of licensure in the new state.  I also did things go care for myself.

My husband and I often start the day together which has been a newer thing.  I used to be the first one up and often wouldn't see him until I got home from work. 

I didn't particularly enjoy him sharing that his parents are coming here in November for several days.  But we have come far in that he at least told me and I didn't have a complete meltdown.  I was also able to say I worry that they will give him a hard time about moving - he says they won't but my experience is that he doesn't often pick up on their communication.  I included a comment on how I don't feel like my parents are being very supportive of our move and he had ideas of how I could frame it for them. 

I will do my best today.  Right now I can feel emotion pressing against my eyes and skull and chest. 

[rainydiary]

I made it through the work day.  But I am feeling very foolish.

The person I've found to be an ally doesn't want to engage in conversation the same way.  I suppose she is a model for me of how to move forward, but I feel foolish for bringing up topics she now thinks are old news. 

I messaged my massage therapist today to tell her my plans.  She has been a huge support for me the past several years.  It was hard to tell her I will be leaving. 

I'm finding myself in a place where I want to withdraw and be alone.  Moving and preparing to move wakes up very deep pain in me. 

[rainydiary]

I spoke more with my ally today and yesterday.  I can appreciate that she is a person that wants to move forward and think I can learn from.  She offered up perspective some of which hurt my feelings but more of which is helpful.  Her solutions are not necessarily mine but it was good to talk to her.  I appreciate that I know where I stand with her and that she doesn't play games. 

She mentioned that the coworker I have struggled with the most thinks that I am "brilliant."  This annoyed me to hear.  I was annoyed because that coworker has done hurtful things to me that I believe she knew exactly what she was doing and has given me and others the impression I don't know how to do my job for years.  She has lied and been such a jerk - I don't buy that she "doesn't know how she comes across."

I don't have to justify my experience of why I find this person so difficult.  I don't think my ally expects me to...but I also think she thinks I should handle things a certain way that don't resonate with me.

I was also annoyed because it is so easy to get pulled into thinking that things could be ok.  This is why I've stayed in this job so long.  Things get tense and then calm down for a bit and then they pull another stunt.  It has happened time and time again in this job.  And I am tired of it....but also tired of not being believed or made to think it isn't that bad by someone that doesn't know all the things I've dealt with. 

I think that each day I continue to find ways in which I would like to move forward.  I still think in the long run that creating my own business may be a good option for me.  I'm not going to be able to carry out my visions while working for the vision of others.

[Armee]

 

Hi Rainy,

I'm hearing in what you wrote a good number of red flags about how your Ally makes you feel. I feel a little trepidation about mentioning that. Just....listen in om what your body is telling you, K?

And I can 100% relate to feeling really icky about the compliment she relayed to you from your abusive coworker. It feels like that person may be trying to manipulate your new Ally into thinking that she is kind and innocent and you are just misunderstanding things. My mom would pull that stuff often to make herself look like the good kind one. I agree you are brilliant, but I don't trust abusive coworker's motives in sharing that with your Ally.

I think starting your own business sounds like a beautiful dream to pursue. I can tell how much you care about serving your students and it would be so beneficial to them if you could do that without having to subject yourself to harm or others telling you how to do your job.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate you saying this as I do think there are red flags.  This ally is supportive of my work and doesn't give me a hard time which I appreciate.  However she is crossing boundaries about some things.  I haven't asked her for advice or anything but she freely offers it.  She is trying to get into leadership and I think she is "practicing" but it is really annoying.  I think from now on I will keep our conversations related to our shared work as that is going fine for us.
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It's funny that just yesterday I was feeling like things were settling down at work and today my most challenging colleague (who apparently thinks I am brilliant) is at me again. 

She has not spoken to me since last Wednesday when she cried because I gave her direct feedback.  Today she was complaining about the other SLP helping me.  That person is sick today so I was also expected to rearrange my schedule to accommodate something that I know isn't the arrangement they had made. 

I contacted my fellow SLP and it sounds like this difficult colleague is using us against one another.  She is totally playing games.  We decided to meet together tomorrow and find time to talk to this lady to see if she will specifically say what we aren't doing. 

It is so stressful.

[sanmagic7]

stressful, indeed!  i agree with all that armee said - red flags everywhere.  one thought struck me, too.  when you said things seem to calm down, then tension again, then calm, then a blow-up - it reminded me of the cycle of abuse.  the blow-up, the calm afterward, the tension beginning again, and onto another blow-up.  everything about that place and those people sound awful to me.  and so very familiar, including your position within it all. 

your own business really does sound smack dab on point.  sending love and a hug filled with dreams coming true.

[rainydiary]

San, this is so much like an abuse cycle.  I think that may be why for long I didn't resist much because that is what I know.  But now that I have done some healing and growing it is time to move on.  I appreciate the support of my ideas for my own practice.
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I saw my ally at the last period of our workday.  We had a rough meeting this afternoon with the difficult coworker.  This difficult person was outright aggressive and rude about a student that my ally is case managing.  It was not a productive conversation. 

At the last period of the day, my ally told me she spent time talking to a staff member that is charge of new hire induction.  She was telling this person about her experiences and the staff member asked if she knew me.  She basically was like "yeah this is like the stuff Rainy told me."   So, the message I keep getting is people in charge know there is a problem and they refuse to do anything about it.   

Then my ally felt the need to tell me that after I walked away from a table where we were all meeting this morning, my difficult coworker and her sidekick were openly mocking me with eye rolls and suggestive body language.  I guess she reported this happening to the staff member....but at this point I really don't need to be told these things.  It just hurts. 

I am going to think hard over the next few days of what is important and how much longer I am willing to continue in this job.  I know I will leave and at this point it is a question of timing.  Given the contract I signed for the school year,  I do need to provide a certain amount of notice so that I don't have to pay back money. 

I appreciate all the support I receive here. 

[Armee]

That's really hurtful, Rainy, and I am sorry you are being put through this at work. Those in charge are neglecting their duty by failing to deal with this. I wish you luck getting out.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for your words and support.  I have been thinking a lot about how I wish I had listened to my initial gut impression to get out after that ridiculous meeting I had in May.  I am learning a lot and even though things hurt, I am strong and I will come out of the other side of this with a lot.  And meanwhile these folks will be stuck being nasty and unpleasant.  It honestly feels like a Roald Dahl story. 

..........

My husband and I made a tentative plan.  I will check my contract but will officially quit on December 1st.  Unless something really big happens that really pushes me over or I get a new job. 

This will give me time to get my licensure sorted out and maybe find a job outside my field.  I have found a college that really appeals to me that I think my skill set would be a great fit for.  There are a couple of jobs with closing dates this week and I am hoping I crafted my resume just right to at least get noticed. 

For now I will try to enjoy my students and make plans for moving forward.

I feel better having a date in mind. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

Having a date brings some structure and boundaries to the situation. I like that you and your husband are doing this together, which might bring out good things previously hidden in each of you.

I understand the mixed feelings about getting second hand compliments from difficult people. In the end, it's how they treat you daily that supersedes any verbal stuff. Exiting this situation is really difficult and requires a lot of tightrope walking. It sounds like you are remaining balanced in extracting the lessons without drowning in the "drama."  Continue to take care of yourself.