Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

I took a nap today which is generally rare for me but something I am learning to embrace more and more.  I tend to not nap because they end up being hours and hours.  But given that this is a holiday weekend and I felt tired I decided to nap. 

There is a novel called All The King's Men and the narrator Jack has these times in his life that he calls The Great Sleep.  There are many thoughts expressed in that novel that resonated with me and that especially did.  In college I had times where I slept almost whole days and even now my naps tend to harken back to that. 

I think that long sleep for me was about many things: trauma, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, fear.  I didn't know myself very well then.  I haven't read that novel since acknowledging my trauma and would be interested in reading it again.  I think it was the first novel I read that gave me insight into feelings and gave me vocabulary to talk about my experiences.  Of all novels why that one, I don't know.

This evening I started to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of quitting my job.  I read a post in a Facebook group where folks with my job role faced difficulties resigning in the middle of the year.  Even though we aren't teachers we are generally expected to sign contracts that are more geared toward teachers.  Some individuals faced paying a fine or having to pay back some money. 

I think I have my read my contract correctly in that if I give 30 days notice I won't have to pay back money.  The paragraph that says this in the contract also includes this scary line at the end that says something like "the teacher will be responsible for difficulty in the position being filled." Those aren't the exact words but the language is terrifying and gives me that feeling - it will be my fault.

When I really think about this, given that it is written with teachers in mind, I feel less afraid.  It is harder to generate teachers out of nowhere whereas my field has staffing agencies.  There are lots of us around.  They may have to use a staffing agency to find someone.  I'm sure they don't want to do that but they will be joining the ranks of what other districts have to do. 

I'm trying to truly believe it isn't my problem.  If they don't want people quitting like this then they should treat people better.  I hope to sleep well tonight.  My dreams have been super intense, even during my nap, and that often leaves me feeling less rested. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, just a thought:

i know you're struggling with the job stuff, and now with the contract wording.  would it be possible to let someone else read it, give you their opinion on it?  sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can pick up on things we miss. 

just want to acknowledge the struggle you're having with this.  i certainly hope it all goes to your advantage.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the thought.  My husband has read the paragraph and told me he thinks it just means I need to give 30 days.  I also plan to confirm that interpretation with the union president as I know she is always involved in contract negotiations. 

I think I continue to struggle or not accept their interpretations because I don't feel like they fully understand my experience - I feel so unsafe in my job and fear retaliation.  I will do my best to be prepared but given that I have continued to show up and do my job, what can they actually do?  If I was truly unfit to do my job then they would be taking other action (namely firing me). 
..........

I did end up having intense dreams.  I feel so odd and unreal today.

I am lining things up but also deeply afraid of the future. 

While my husband and I are in a very different place than we were in the past, I have the memory of a very unsuccessful and traumatic move that we made that tends to come to mind this time of year (as it was around this time of year about 8 years ago).

Also I see that my inner critic is trying to take over and convince me to believe untrue and outdated things. 

I plan to do a yoga asana practice after I write this.  My hope was to get some thoughts out of my head before doing that.   

[Armee]

Talking to the union rep sounds like the right next move to understand the implications of resigning midyear.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

The 8 year old memories resurfacing is what I also go through. I've made more than 35 moves in my life, and I'm not in the military-just in flight perpetually. A new move in the midst of work trauma is setting the stage for all the old stuff to come up. I've been through that too. There will be moments but hopefully, the duration will be brief. You're facing things head on, and that's what important and valuable. Give yourself some credit for that; every day, or as much as you can muster.   

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate that perspective.  I struggle even reaching out to this person given what I feel is their lack of support...but I think I would feel better to have more clarification.  Something I have seen in myself over the past few weeks is that I take things said by systems so literal and that reality is not always as strict.
..........

Bee, I appreciate you sharing about all of your moves.  It's weird how the yucky stuff comes up when my husband and I moved to the state we are in now 6 years ago and it was a relatively successful move.  I am stuck in all that is going on and what is coming up and it is tough to see clearly.  I will do my best to take care and appreciate the support here. 
..........

This day hasn't been bad but I feel so blah. 

I know the coming week is weighing on me for both work and family reasons. 

I am also in a trying part of my menstrual cycle that tends to shake me up.

I feel like I am moving on the right path but am feeling distressed that I can't see very far right now.

Today is a day where I feel alone as no one else can take the steps I need to take but me.  I am afraid and have thought more of my parents and their displeasure with me as I prepare to stand my ground and do what is best for me.  Their behavior wounded me so deeply and I am still struggling with agency of my own life.

[owl25]

 

[rainydiary]

Owl, 
...........

I cried tonight during my yoga training.  The culmination of many things big and small brought tears.

My husband and I had discussed this idea last week for a way to begin exploring my work vision.  He established a boundary with me today about it that reflected he changed his mind about the idea.  He had every right to do so but I feel it deeply.  It isn't so much the specific situation that is giving me pain but rather that our conversation gave me a glimpse of possibility that I have lost. 

During the yoga training I misspoke about something and another attendee pointed it out to me.  They did it in a gentle way by sending me a direct message on Zoom.  But it still got me deep too.  It triggered my inner critic and the thought, "I can't do anything right" kept coming up. 

In a smaller group with other attendees that I feel safer with I started to cry.  They were understanding and supportive so my inner critic isn't right.

And yet, when I think about the coming week and the weeks that have led me to where I am today, that feeling of not getting it right has been present and has deeply pressed against the messaging I received growing up. 

The messages my abusers taught me are hard to shake and have been especially touched on of late: I am broken, I am too much, I am not enough, I am inappropriate, I am flawed, I am unwanted.  These messages are embedded in what feels like every cell of my being. 

And when someone provides me a well meaning comment and my husband shares a boundary (both of which I do appreciate) it feels big and feels the same as the toxic actions of my colleagues or my parents passing on trauma.  It makes me feel alone and that my CPTSD is not understood and thus separates me further from others. 

[owl25]

rainy, this is so hard. Those messages you were taught, they stand out to me as what the abusers themselves carry/carried, and they projected it all on you. I am so sorry you have internalized those feelings, they are deeply painful. Those messages are inaccurate and is how they were made to feel. The difference is you don't turn around and treat others like this.

What you wrote at the end is exactly what I've been experiencing these past few days. It opens up such deep wounds, no matter how gently input is brought to us. I have been reflecting on this and I think it hurts so much for me because there is a level of shame there that gets opened up for me. I completely get how it makes you feel, the aloneness, and not being understood, and this making you separate from others. It's such a hard place to be in.

I hope today goes okay for you

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

is it possible you've already begun the grieving process?  the loss of your job, city, home, etc. seems like a lot to me.  one thing i've learned is that while grieving, we are going to be messy.  that could explain your various mental and physical reactions and behaviors.  i don't know, just a thought.  if it doesn't pertain, please ignore.

i do feel for you at this time, with all these ups and downs, the concerns, triggers, flashbacks, etc. that you're going thru.  just so you know, you are not along going thru this.  we are here as a safety net.  thank you for sharing.  it's helped bring out the compassion in me this morning, something i've been lacking in the past.  sending love and a hug filled with caring.

[rainydiary]

Owl, thank you for your words.  They have been helping me today to feel supported.  I am grateful to have you and others that know how it feels to feel the things that comes along with CPTSD.
..........
San, I think you are right - I am grieving.  I think that when I finally gave up expectations of my job going ok it set me on a path of grieving.  And grieving can be like a tornado picking up everything in its path.  I am appreciate your message as it is also helping me in this day.
..........
In my mind, I wanted to use this day as prep for quitting.  I spent time getting my computer cleaned up and ready hand over at a moment's notice. 

I spoke with my union rep and she made it all sound ok.  I guess that part of our contract isn't as serious as it sounds.  I still worry my principal especially will pull some garbage on me.  The union rep seemed surprised/off put that I said I would be moving.  I don't know what else she expects.  I think for some folks moving is a big thing.  It is to me too but I am willing to do it. 

I may resign tomorrow but want to talk to my husband first.  I think at this point I am simply afraid of putting that in motion.  I don't know what is coming other than a move.  I'm afraid of not ever finding my place.  And yet where I am is not my place.   

[Armee]

 

I don't know when you will find your place...and that must feel super unsettling... but i do feel confident that standing up to abuse puts you on the path toward finding your place. Good luck.  I bet it feels both scary and relieving to be taking steps to protect yourself and resign.

[rainydiary]

I am sure I will have more to say later but I resigned today. 

The principal accepted the news relatively drama free.  She made me feel like she was thinking "thank goodness."

I made it about moving.  I am not telling anyone a different story.  At this point I just want to leave on relatively good terms. 

I was feeling angry this morning when I think about the past several months.  I think I have legitimately faced discrimination for speaking about my trauma.  I have also been bullied.  At this point leaving serves me and I hope will send these folks a message.  Me staying to take it isn't serving me. 

[BeeKeeper]

Rainy,

Good for you. I'm glad you're leaving potential bridges un-burned. I admire you for taking this as far as you could and for having the courage to call it when you did. It will take a while to sort through your feelings and emotions, but that's true of any time, regarding any thing. It's good to take control of what we can.

Go easy on yourself. 

[rainydiary]

Bee, thank you.  The reminder to be easy with myself is much needed. 
..........

I am exhausted from this day.  I am currently waiting for the dentist and left work early today for my appointment. 

Around an hour after resigning the job I currently have was posted on the district job page.  That seemed fast. 

I shared my news with my colleagues and those conversations are draining.  Folks that have made my experience exhausting are pretending to care I am leaving. 

Hopefully the buzz will die down because I can't spend every day for the next month in this way.

I'm sure some of it is that I am also beginning to release tension I've been holding. 

I plan to pick up a special dinner after my appointment.