Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

I understand feeling worse and worse about yourself, Rainy. But objectively it would make more sense to feel better and better about yourself. You are recognizing what you need and taking steps to make it better for yourself. You are not falling prey to the drama and are keeping your explanation to a level that is safe for you. You're doing great!

I wish you didn't feel so bad. It's a hard situation for sure. I see someone super strong and assured and healing.

[Snowdrop]

I completely understand feeling uneasy about what's going on. If it helps, I see it as further evidence that your instincts were correct, and you're doing the right thing getting out.

I went through a similar thing to you. My workplace was toxic. I didn't know about cptsd at the time, but in hindsight, I was triggered every day, and it retraumatised me. I handed in my notice because I couldn't take any more.

Working my notice period was hard, and despite the toxicity, I also felt sad at leaving. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did the right thing, just as you are.

[Dante]

Ditto to Snowdrop.  Same here, and fairly recently - 2 months ago.  I put up with a bad situation for 18 months because I thought it was the best I could do.  The best I deserved.  I was gaslit, manipulated, disrespected and disregarded.  I handed in my notice, and the manager convinced me to stay, then bragged to someone else that he 'didn't accept my notice'.  In hindsight, I can see that pretending friendship and respect - which I so desperately crave - was completely effective in getting me to stay a little longer.  Then I turned in my notice a second time, and the same tactics were tried, but this time I held my ground.

Two months on, I'm in a job that is fulfilling with people that respect me.  If you'd asked me two months ago if I'd be OK, I'm not sure I would have said yes.  But I am.

I also know I did the right thing, and I know you are too.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I've been thinking more in this and will say more below.
..........

Snowdrop, I appreciate the support and validation.  I'm sorry that you also experienced a toxic job and am glad you found a way out. 
.........

Dante, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  It is helpful to know you have found something more satisfying.  I think I have stayed in this job for similar reasons that you stayed in the other one longer than you wanted.  Thank you for your help.

.........

Today I found out from my work ally that my most difficult colleague was trying to find out more about why I am leaving from her.  When my ally told me that I was like *.  My ally at least had my back - she said, "All I know is that Rainy wanted to live in that place for a long time."  Then my most difficult colleague said, "Well it seems like you all are talking about me all the time."   

This all just reminds me why I need out.

I was thinking about what I said yesterday about feeling worse and worse.  I think that is somewhat of a habitual response.  I don't actually feel bad.  I feel uncomfortable.  I wish my ego wasn't making this difficult by wanting to feel more important than I am in that place.  I also feel uncomfortable acting too happy to be leaving.  I think am "feeling bad" in order to make others comfortable.

This will end and when it does I can move forward in a different way. 

[Armee]

I love this:

This will end and when it does I can move forward in a different way.

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, I appreciate the thoughts.  I would imagine there are processes I could explore - I'm not going to given my read of the situation.  I think continued pressure on my employer would make matters worse for me.  That certainly isn't ok but I am in an ok, safe place for me. 

You know best what you need in this situation, rainydiary! I'm really glad that you feel in an ok, safe place.
I understand too from later posts of yours that it doesn't always feel ok. ime big decisions, big changes kindof rock the boat, make things seem unsteady for a while. They tend to make me question the decisions I made. Feel uncertain, bring old stuff up again... Rest assured - that place is toxic.  on getting out! 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I wanted to send you a hug of support, as I know you're going through some challenging stuff just now. 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the words and support Armee, Blueberry, and Hope.
..........

I am worn out today.  I am currently at work about to head to a meeting I would rather not go to.

I am really noticing how "good" a day goes depends on the mood of my most difficult colleague.  It is so ridiculous how much revolves around her and her mood. 

I am trying to just not attach or engage to anything at work at this point.  It is difficult and it is making me feel weird and disconnected. 

As I don't engage more, I see how fake it is here.  There are many folks that seem to be putting on a play.  It is all an act.  I can't stand it.  I think mostly because I have been expected to "act" like everything is fine most of my life and it stinks. 

Just a few more hours and then I can go home and recharge as much as I can for the weekend.

[rainydiary]

TW: Mention of suicide

This day is taking a turn and I hope to process a bit.

My husband texted me about 45 minutes ago to share that he was upset about something at work.  I can tell that he is triggered.  The trigger is likely because of his brother's suicide.  The anniversary of his brother's death is approaching.  This is also a difficult time of year for us as a couple. 

His being triggered is triggering me.  I am at work.  I am sure he is ok or I would have left.  I am working through my own EF right now.  Students are also having a tough time at work and it is all too much right now.

I can leave in a bit and will go get groceries.  And then I will go home and do my best to be present for my husband. 

[Armee]

 

Accept accept accept. Accept it's hard. You both will come out the other side of this and it just may be very very hard for several days. Wishing you lots of kindness toward yourself and your H. This is a very very difficult anniversary.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armee.    

It is a difficult anniversary especially as there was a lot of pain and difficulty for a long time before he died.  I appreciate your support. 
..........

Feeling a bit better this morning.  Getting ready for my last long training run before my big run next weekend. 

Yesterday afternoon caught me off guard.  I am grateful that my husband reached out to me.  Again, this type of communication is so new for him it surprised me.  His communication triggered me because I knew he was triggered but he doesn't have the same awareness I do.  The thing that triggered him is understandable to me but I don't think he understands he was triggered or why necessarily. 

I perceive my husband as still being in the FOG about his childhood and FOO.  I have noticed that as I have changed my relationship to my myself and trauma it has in turn changed his relationship to himself and our relationship together.  It is so cool but also disorienting.  I try to talk about my experiences and I know he does his own research.  I don't know exactly what he has learned or uncovered for himself.  Which feels scary sometimes to me. 

I think yesterday was a reminder that my husband and I have past trauma in our relationship that we are still working through.   My brain thought that the past was about to repeat itself yesterday which is some of why I went into an EF.  But when I got home, my husband had done some things to take care of himself like going for a walk.  And we had a relatively chill evening. 

The other aspect of my EF yesterday was one student in particular having a very obvious trauma response.  This student is Autistic and shared with me earlier in the week how shunned he feels at school.  His experience mirrors my own at this school.  That is part of my pain - I know that the way I am treated is how students are treated.  He was verbalizing his feelings and his teacher was ignoring him until one of the school psychologists could come see him.  I didn't appreciate her ignoring him so I went and stood near him. 

His words hurt though because they touched parts of me that are wounded.  And I felt so helpless in supporting him because he won't get support he truly needs because the adults in his life do not understand trauma, CPTSD, or Autism/Neurodivergence in the way someone who lives it every day does. 

I feel so driven to change systems so that students and adults don't experience what that student did yesterday or what I have.  And yet I have no idea how to do that.  Humans are so slow to change and there are huge societal aspects that are difficult to overcome.  I try to see the example of how my changes within myself have supported change in my husband and in students I work with.  But I want the change to be bigger. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy, 

I'm so sorry that two massive situations came in a short period of time. I do see a lot of progress though in your post about your marriage and the way it continues to evolve. That can't be minimized. I'm not saying you are, just saying its REALLY WONDERFUL.

Suicide anniversaries are very, very tough and last for days, in my case anyway, so I agree with Armee

You both will come out the other side of this and it just may be very very hard for several days.

Your compassion and awareness of your student's needs are exactly what we all need. Someone to recognize and do something. Standing near him was showing your care. 

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. I think I see what you are saying...that not only is the anniversary hard because of the suicide death and trauma around that, but it sounds too like maybe that had a ripple effect in your marriage for a bit and so this anniversary carries two triggers. So  and 

You and your H sound stronger than ever together and I have belief you can ride this difficult period together, supporting each other. It may be that you have to hold up more than your share of the weight for a bit, and if that is true perhaps H will absorb that and learn from you and do a better job supporting you once his EF passes.

Keep on wishing and working  for the big changes, Rainy. They are usually built from several small changes. Thank you for standing with your student and seeing his trauma.

[rainydiary]

Bee, I appreciate your words and support. 

Armee, I appreciate the reminder of small steps.   

..........

I feel odd today.  I have a lot going on this week and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I had weird dreams last night that I can't remember but have left me feeling unsettled.  I also feel hot in my body but don't have a fever. 

I imagine a lot of this is the prospect of facing three more weeks in my job.  I also have my big 50K run this coming Saturday that I've spent 6 months training for.  And an impending move that I haven't really gotten into yet as I wait for these other things to settle down. 

Over the past several weeks, a lot of memories have been coming up.  Mostly memories I feel a lot of shame over.  In all areas of my life.  I haven't felt able to face them yet or integrate them.

I am also reflecting over my relationship to my husband.  This week was the week we met 13 years ago.  This is also the month that led up to a very unpleasant international trip that created a lot of stress with my FOO.  This month is also the month we prepared for a traumatic move that created a lot of stress in our marriage.  This is also the month that led to my BIL's death and there is still a lot I don't know about my husband's experience with his brother in those final months of his life. 

This month holds a lot.  When September comes around, a part of me expects something bad to happen in the coming months.  I feel like I hold my breath from now until the new year. 

[Blueberry]

Those are a lot of anniversaries all in one month, rainydiary.