Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

It makes so much sense you'd be holding your breath right now thru the new year, Rainy. Hang tight however you need to get through it. This is a lot on top of your job change.  The 50k will take a lot out of you hopefully in a good way and force you to rest and take good care of yourself for a bit.

I'm sorry there's gaps in what you know of your H's experience. I know that is hard. My husband said next to nothing when he came home after his dad killed himself.  He was there trying to keep his dad from doing it. He had to deal with the body.

He never said anything to me about it until more than 10 years had passed and just knowing there was stuff there and not knowing what was really hard, esp because it leaked out in other ways without having clear sight of why. It was a relief when he finally told me a little about his emotions and it helped me make sense of some of his reactions to my stuff.

I hope as you both get closer he lets you in more.

[Armee]

And one of these...

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate the perspective.  It is a lot! 
.........

Armee, I appreciate you sharing about your husband's experience.  It seems like my husband is processing what happened.  I think that will be a life long process.  I hope I can be supportive of him when I am able.

Thank you too for the support and encouragement.   
.........

Today has been weird and it is hard to process Mondays:

I have a coworker who is trying really hard to be nice after she has been so unpleasant for 3+ years

I led a meeting I didn't want to do but it went ok

Students were inconsistently available as happens sometimes

I was bit by a student - I think the bite was sensory seeking - it didn't break the skin and wasn't intended to hurt - I didn't tell anyone because I am ok and the student was just trying to communicate

I was sort of blamed for a student eating a piece of cake (the student is supposed to eat gluten free) - my question is why did the parent send a treat with gluten if there is a risk the child would eat it when there are lots of GF desserts?

My husband told me he wants to go visit his family in October for a week - this is a trip he often makes this time of year and I always find myself a little disappointed he wants to go

I had to eat dinner quickly so that I can join my yoga call

*
The best part of the day is that I received an invitation to interview for a job outside of my current field.  I wasn't expecting to hear and so was glad to receive the invitation.  The impression I get is that it is a place I would enjoy working at.  I am just grateful for the chance to be considered- it is boosting how I feel. 

One step at a time. 

[Armee]

 

It's sweet that you didn't report the bite. Thank you for being so caring to these kids. It hits a special spot for me. My daughter bit the principal her first day of kindergarten because he picked her up. I got to school and she was sitting on the floor in front of him and he had her basically in a choke hold and she was sobbing and hysterical.

You're doing a good job with all these difficult situations with your H and his family.

And wowee a job interview!!! When is it?

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee.  I am sorry for your daughter's experience - kids do the best they can and often as adults we don't consider what we might have done to contribute to something they do. 

Perhaps I upset this student in some way - I think more she hasn't been feeling well and her communication tends to be very physical given her needs. 

I appreciate your support in the other areas, I'll say more below. 
..........

The job interview is Monday.  It is during my work day and I'm not sure yet how to handle.  I may take Monday off.  I will need to spend some time preparing for the interview.  The work sounds similar but different to my current job and I will need to prepare ways to reframe my work for what they are seeking. 

I am trying my best to support my husband.  I struggle with his relationship to his family.  I also have really been struggling with my relationship to my family.  I feel so much guilt and haven't really told my parents my plans of late.  This is my life and I will do what I need to for me....but a part of me still is trying to prove my worth to them and knows that they will "freak out" about me leaving my job and moving somewhere new. 

For now, I hope to sleep with fewer unsettling dreams. 

[Bach]

Wishing you peaceful sleep, rainy

[rainydiary]

Bach, thank you.  I slept relatively soundly. 

..........

In such a weird place.  I am tired of going to work and yet there are only 2.5 weeks left.  I keep being assigned or expected to do things while also being treated like I don't matter. 

Today I relooked at the job description of the job I am interviewing for on Monday.  I am often not great at reading things closely....and when I re-read this job description, my first thought was "Why do they think I can do this job?"

The first line of the job description mentioned that is a leadership position.  The job is a lot about community building and leading and training and managing others.  I so did not make that connection when I applied. 

Part of me is glad I didn't read closely as I wouldn't have applied and wouldn't have been given this opportunity to put myself out there.  My experiences and skill set lend themselves to the job.  The challenge will be believing in myself and showing up with confidence to the interview. 

The interview will be on Zoom.  I have a lot of preparation to do for the interview.  It feels like a chance though.  A chance to learn and grow and to show my strength. 

[rainydiary]

I'm not sure why these specific memories have been coming up but they are:

When I was in elementary school, I went through a phase where I stole things from other students.  I eventually stopped and tried to repair what I had done by giving back the things I stole. 

When I was in high school, I was spending time with a friend.  I must have been gone for too long in my mom's mind.  She had gone through my room into my planner to find the phone number of the friend I was with.

I haven't had much time, opportunity, space, energy of late to process and integrate memories like these. 

I don't think I mentioned this yesterday but I did have a more direct interaction with my mom about my move and plans for a new job.  I guess my parents did understand more than I realized that I am serious about moving.  While I don't actually feel supported by them, it helps me to know that they at least know our plans.

[rainydiary]

My heart is so heavy today. 

I know leaving my job is the right thing to do, but I will miss the students I work with so much.

Today I told a student I am leaving and his reaction really broke my heart.  Last year he was having a really difficult time and he told someone that I am one the only people at the school he can talk to.  I am sorry to leave him. 

I am sorry to leave all of my students because I love them all from the bottom of my heart.  I am so sad today over this.  And yet, I cannot stay.  I have to go. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy Diary,
Sending you a hug    I know you're understandably sad about leaving, and especially that student whose life you've touched, but at least he has the memory of someone that was kind and supportive to him, and he can keep that memory with him.  It meant something to him.
Hope 

[Armee]

  good luck with your ultra this weekend.

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate the reminder that I can be a positive memory for others.   
..........
Armee, thank you.  I am nervous and hope I can sleep tonight.   
..........

Today was hard.

A student had a medical emergency and the school called emergency services.  The number of individuals that responded to the call for help was ridiculous.  I don't know what the right number is, but given what I know of my workplace, most of the people responding do it out of "show."  This is the 2nd time emergency services has been called for this student and I hope their family and the school sort out a plan for their safety.

The day in general was exhausting too.  It was a celebration day for Homecoming and there was a pep assembly.  The assembly impacted the schedule and overwhelmed a number of students I work with.  Given the schedule change I ended up basically being a filler for times when the coverage for students failed. 

The hardest part of this is that the two above situations kept me in close proximity and contact with my most difficult colleague all day.  I appreciate that she has a hard job and I've never doubted that.  But her way of handling things is often so unprofessional and thoughtless and careless it is annoying.  It's even more annoying how everyone spent the day worrying over her and "checking in" on her.  She does so well at painting how hard her life is and everyone buys it.   

Because I got overwhelmed today, I worry I was careless with words I said to her.  Today was a prime example of why I need to leave this job. 

For now, I am hoping to sleep so that I can wake up and do my run.  I've been preparing for this for 6 months. 

[rainydiary]

I completed my 50K run.  It was such a challenging day - it was so hot.  But I finished.  My training paid off and now I can rest.

Of course my mind won't really let me celebrate or feel ease.  I worry I got sunburns and that I need to see my dermatologist.  I have two spots on my neck that I'm almost certain are bug bites but folks freak out so much over my exposure to the sun given that my skin is extremely fair and I am at risk of skin cancer.  I'll see how I'm doing this week and decide. 

[Armee]

That's a huge accomplishment! 

[Snowdrop]

Well done Rainy!