Rainy Diary 2021

[sanmagic7]

well done, indeed, rainy.     

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee, Snowdrop, and San!   
..........

My legs have been very sore today.  I thankfully don't think I actually got sunburn yesterday.  I am already thinking about planning another run.  I definitely need some to rest and recover first.

I plan to call in sick tomorrow for work because I cannot walk well and I have a job interview at an odd time.  I feel so much guilt for calling in.  It won't stop me from doing it but I know tomorrow won't be restful. 

I have two more weeks in this job.  I don't want to go anymore.  Especially after Friday.  I feel like I gave my most difficult coworker ammunition.  *sigh* The time will pass.

[rainydiary]

I have called in sick and am trying to get my day started.

I am noticing that I feel rather blue today. 

I have worked hard for 6 months at running and now that is over.  That had provided a lot of structure to my life that is now gone (at least for now, I do plan to train again after recovering). 

I am about to leave a job I've been at for over 3 years.  That also has provided structure to my life and it is almost over.

I am getting ready to move and leave a place I've lived in for over 6 years.  This is also structure.

I'm also interviewing for a job that I worry is out of my league and that is different from the work I've been doing for almost 10 years.  My identity is rather connected to this work.  I am trying to remember that a job interview doesn't guarantee a job and that I don't have to take the job if it isn't a good fit.  But I also don't want to be closed off to an opportunity that might be good for me. 

My husband's interactions with his family have also started getting on my nerves.  He is returning to some old habits with them which just get under my skin (such as answering multiple phone calls a day from his sister even when we are busy doing something else). 

This type of stuff does tend to ramp up this time of year because of the holidays and it may be connected to his brother's death.  I have a suspicion it is all somewhat about our plan to move. 

I think this is especially hard because my husband has shared things of late that I thought meant he sees the harm his family causes.  When he continues to play into their weird dynamics it bugs me.  And yet, I also know this is very complicated.  He is in his own place with this and the best I can do is take care of myself and support him if I can. 

This is a lot.  I am making changes for a reason and today it is feeling heavy.  I am grieving and grief is such a complex thing especially when I am grieving a number of things. 

[Bach]

 

[sanmagic7]

honestly, rainy, there is so much loss in your post.  perhaps even a feeling of loss at seeing your hub retreat to old patterns with his family, like he lost his momentum to keep moving forward.  you're right, this will pass.  please, be gentle with yourself while you go thru this grieving period.  i agree grieving is complex, and with that comes messiness.  i applaud  your willingness to take time to recover after your big run.

reading about feeling blue after it was done reminded me of the same type of feeling i'd get the day after christmas.  i'd decorate, bake, host parties, shop, wrap gifts busy busy busy - then, nothing.  it was almost like a depression.  so much adrenaline used to make sure everything got done, and deflation afterward.   just get thru it, one day, the next day, then the next.  i can't imagine the pressure you're feeling.  sending love and a hug filled with care and caring.

[rainydiary]

Bach, 
..........

San, thank you for your words.  I was surprised at all the loss I felt this morning.  It is just like what you said after the holidays.  I have spent 6 months focused on this goal.  And the end of it has also come to signal a switch to focusing on moving.  I appreciate your support.
..........

I am glad I stayed home today.  My body is needing rest.  I also didn't understand that my interview would be 2 hours and that would have been difficult to hide at work.

My interview today went well.  I did the best I could. I received some positive feedback on things I said.  Even if I am not offered the job or it doesn't work out for some reason, I am proud of trying and for getting this opportunity to talk to them. 

A lot is coming and I will do my best to take one step at a time. 

[Armee]

That sounds really positive about the interview Rainy! Even if you had bombed it you put yourself out for an interview with a job that was outside your typical area and comfort. That alone is major! But even better that you got positive feedback and feel good about it! Yeah you!

Training for and completing a huge 50k race takes a lot of focus and discipline and gives you something to work toward. Even without everything else going on right now with job and a move and grief and H...finishing a major race is almost always a big source of...well...let down. Because now there's nothing where there used to be something. You aren't yet ready to start training for a new race and the most you can do is start daydreaming about which one is next. In other words...it's normal and understandable to feel how you feel right now. And it also kind of sucks to feel that way. 

There's just a lot of emptiness right now where there used to be stuff and that'll take some adjustment and grief and I'm inspired by your abiltiy to grieve appropriately. I'm learning from you as you share. Thank you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee.  I appreciate your words and support.   
..........

I am trying to find the will to go to my job.  I have until next Friday.  But I don't want to go. 

Thoughts of how toxic my coworkers act and things that have happened keep creeping in. 

Tuesdays are days I get to work with students I especially enjoy. I will try to focus on that. 

[sanmagic7]

hang tough, rainy.  one day, then one day, and eventually you'll be to the final day.  i'm with you all the way.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

  to you rainydiary.

[Bach]

[rainydiary]

San, Blueberry, Bach: 
..........

Well, I made it.  Today reminded me why I need to get out of that school.  It is so toxic.  Removing myself is the only solution.

My foot has been bothering me since the run.  It's difficult to walk.  I can't quite tell what is going on.  I don't feel bad enough to not go to work.  I have a massage scheduled tomorrow and hopefully that will help my body feel a bit better.  My body overall is doing well. 

Other than that, I'm ok.  My husband and I are making more concrete plans for moving.  That has made me feel a bit overwhelmed but overall I am excited for the eventual outcome.  Getting there will be challenging but that is ok. 

[sanmagic7]

sometimes it's good to have those reminders.  not only do they help us stay on track, but they can also validate our decision to get out.  altho it's been rough going for you, rainy, i'm so very glad you have something pos. to look forward to.  sending love and a hug filled with healthy anticipation

[rainydiary]

San, 
..........

Currently sitting at work waiting for a meeting to begin.  I am feeling an overwhelming sense of anger.  I keep getting emails about things I can't give my energy to.  My foot also is still uncomfortable due to an abrasion.  I probably should stay home and yet my field and current work situation is riddled with guilt and I am here. 

[Armee]

 

I hope you can stay off your feet as much as possible today while at work.

Your committment to taking care of your kids at school is really inspiring, Rainy.

Hang in there with the anger. I'd be feeling angry too, and feel angry for you. Its not fair to you, or good for the students, that your colleagues have made this a toxic unbearable work environment.