Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Notalone, I appreciate you reading and sharing these thoughts.  I did have a good weekend.  As I dig more into attachment, it is rubbing me a bit raw.  I see how it is showing up in many ways even at work.  It is too much for me to process right now. 

I am really struggling with work.  The constant change is leaving me feeling extremely burned out.  Today I learned they will likely be bringing in another person to do the same work as me given an increase in caseload next year.  This stresses me out more than having a big caseload.  I think it is triggering deep down feelings. 

Someone commented to me once that it is interesting how I frame my experience at work and with my husband as worry of being replaced.  I am the oldest of four children and I wonder if there is this part of me that feels like I wasn't good enough for my parents so they kept having kids.  I also moved around so much growing up and saw how quickly I fell out of the minds of people even ones that were my best friends. 

I think I am feeling deeply alone right now.  People that were my friends before are not anymore.  I kind of want to start over somewhere new.  But will starting over help?  I don't know. 

*sigh*

[Not Alone]

I think I am feeling deeply alone right now.

I know that feeling and it is one of the worse. 

[rainydiary]

Notalone, I appreciate your message. 

As the evening has progressed I realize it would help to acknowledge another part of my day and it's impact on me. 

TW (mention of suicide)

I somehow became involved in supporting a student today who was having a difficult time.  The student stated to a professional that he wanted to kill himself which activates a protocol our school psychologist needs to follow.  I sat with the student until the psychologist could be available.  I know this student and enjoy working with him.  I should have left the room when the psychologist entered but it seemed like he wanted another person there for support.  The student began describing their suicidal ideation.  I sat there through it because it felt important for the student to be heard. 

But inside I wasn't feeling calm.  It brought back memories of my brother in law and his death by suicide. 

I didn't acknowledge to anyone how much this bothered me today or that it happened.  Or how much it bothers me that my husband and I still haven't processed together what happened with his brother.  I became increasingly emotional this evening and reached a tipping point where I began to cry uncontrollably and shared my experience with my husband. 

He proceeded to shut down and walk away from me.  I left and went to self soothe for a while in our bedroom and then returned to the living room.  I tried to open the conversation back up and he did not respond to me.  So I am now back in our room. 

End TW

So many things just happened and I am feeling shame mostly.  My feelings of loneliness earlier came from that the person I feel closest to lives in Arizona and is someone I knew during a three week intensive yoga training almost 2 years ago.  The people I thought were my friends at work are not healthy relationships and I felt disregarded by one of these people earlier this week.  Beyond my husband and work, I don't have much support where I live. 

It recently occurred to me that my friendship skills are limited.  Growing up I moved so much that I can befriend people easily and keep a surface relationship going with a wide variety of people.  But because of my abusive household, I rarely invited people over.  The people that I often identified as friends had stronger personalities than mine and I clung to their initiative or I pushed them away both because I was deeply wounded but also because I knew I would leave them sooner than later.  People that I really felt a connection to were left behind as we moved to the next place. 

Right now I worry my husband and I hold each other back.  He has his own things to deal with given his upbringing and I have mine....but we haven't found a way to come together.  His lack of responsiveness to me hurts.  There are times he is responsive and for a long time I felt supported by him.  Ever since his brother died (which was right before the pandemic) things have not been the same.  I think my response to him and to his brother's death hurt him and his response to me and to his brother's death hurt me. 

When watching shows, my husband will often comment about a couple "they don't seem to like each other" and it makes me wonder if he is talking about us.  I have no doubt I just triggered him.  I also have no doubt that he could learn ways to manage that and have a conversation with me.  I have no doubt I still have work to do myself. 

But right now....such a sad and lonely place to be. 

[Jazzy]

  if you would like. I'm not sure what other words to use right now.

[dollyvee]

Sounds like you are going through a lot right now Rainy 

At work last week I realized that while most ppl are navigating social relationships and learning how to deal with normal, teen things like learning about who they are - I was learning how to deal with my father's suicide and how to cope with an abusive/narcissistic family. Like you, I guess I could separate what happened as a teen and see the "disadvantage" (I can't think if a better term rn but don't think disadvantage sets up a good dialogue) of how it shaped my relationships. I would attend a workshop of how to make better friends if you grew up in trauma 

Suicide is not an easy thing for anyone to deal with. I'm sorry you and your husband are facing that. I've learned I never talked about it a lot because I found myself managing ppl's reactions to it (and how they feel about suicide), which took a lot of energy and overwrote my own experiences of dealing with it. I didn't want other ppl's opinions/imaginings of what my father must've been like, going through, whatever.  It still carries such a stigma (or pity etc) and can imagine that it is hard for people to relate what you guys must be going through.

I watched Derek Scott's video the the other day about exploring your own parts system and thought it was really interesting how external issues will bring up things in our own self and how deep it can go in our part system (and how we sometimes block ourselves because we don't want to hurt our family but that's my take away  ). If you're interested, this is part 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXimi-OP0M8

[rainydiary]

Jazzy & Dollyvee, I appreciate your words and support. 

I didn't sleep well last night.  I woke up too early and felt anxiety right away.  I used to wake up that way every day but haven't as much lately.  I have tightness in my chest. 

I am upset and hurting but also trying to be curious about my experience.  Right now my old habits are telling me to ignore my husband and keep my mouth shut at work.  I have this overwhelming urge to run away and get as far from here as I can.  I don't like how I feel but I also know that if I keep silent and avoid it won't help me. 

Lately I've noticed more fight in me.  On Monday we had an emergency staff meeting.  Based on how those meetings usually go I knew I should have skipped it.  But I went to be a "team player" but also so that my closest colleagues wouldn't have to break whatever news we were getting.  During the meeting our principal said something about how our students need balance in the information they are receiving and that we have to be thoughtful about how and what we say because they have had so much instability.  When she said that, I had this strong urge to stand up and yell "what about us?"  Adults need stability and support too and many if not all of us are struggling with more than we share.  I don't value her leadership style and the games that have been played with us as employees this year. 

This will be a day where I need to go one step at a time. 

[rainydiary]

Took one step at a time and made it to the evening.  I had a relatively good day.  I am reflecting how many things happen in a week and how fast it feels like things move.  I'm not sure I am processing everything that is happening or if it will all catch up (which I guess it kind of did yesterday). 

Even though I was deeply upset by the student sharing their suicidal ideation yesterday, I am grateful to be a part of that student's life.  They shared with the psychologist that I am a person they feel safe with and that they could talk to.  I will keep doing my best because it makes a difference for some.

My husband and I are at a truce.  We are watching a show on Apple TV called For All Mankind and one of the episodes we watched today had a lot of people expressing difficult emotions in it.  He commented that it was a "weird" episode.  When I came home today he was sleeping because he had a headache.  I think he was actually exhausted from being triggered yesterday.  I am trying to not accept responsibility for his lack of emotional expression.  I am hoping to find ways to continue to be honest with him about what I need.  I reflect that I have been taking action.  It occurred to me that he is extremely silent and that we can go for a long time without speaking.  I used to attribute this to introversion (which I think it somewhat is).  But now I see that it is also avoidance and that it often hurts.  I also see how I play my part in that - I get withdrawn sometimes.  So, I make effort to speak to him every morning and to say good bye when I leave for work.  I'm not sure if it is doing anything but it feels important to try. 

I also recently watched WandaVision and found it so moving.  It is dark but I felt Wanda's trauma and it helped me to cry through the portrayal of her pain.  It occurred to me how many superhero stories are those of trauma.  I don't think I've watched many of those types of movies since understanding CPTSD and would like to rewatch with that lens. 

I hope to sleep better tonight. 

[rainydiary]

Jazzy's reflections reminded me of something that happened this morning that I forgot about and didn't want to take up space in other people's posts to mention.

I've been running in the mornings.  Lately I've been thinking about all the tension in my hips and considering how the tension may in part be from all the times I went into flight mode as a child and adult but couldn't actually run away.  My body must have held onto that energy.

This morning my flight instinct was triggered by seeing a dog in my neighborhood not on a leash.  I've been chased by dogs in the past and seeing an unleashed dog scares me.  I don't think the people in my neighborhood that don't leash their dogs (which is a lot) understand or know about trauma. 

But what that moment did was give me the chance to channel the fear and stuck energy I felt into my actual run.  I wasn't in actual danger but my body didn't know that.  I hope to use my running in the coming months to "run out" the times I couldn't escape. 

[Jazzy]

Yikes, that does sound scary. But, excellent job turning it positive and coming up with an action plan to improve! 

[Not Alone]

 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Jazzy & Notalone.   

Today was really weird.  I tried to connect with my coworkers today and feel like it came across weird.  I have one coworker in particular that runs hot and cold with me.  I get into a weird dynamic with her and now just feel hurt by how I imagine she thinks of me. 

I had a meeting at the end of my workday that really put me into a shame spiral.  When I joined the meeting (which was virtual) one of my coworkers asked if I would take notes.  I said no.  I always get asked to take notes - I am not a secretary and when I am asked over and over and over in every meeting (because I do more of these than others) I get worn out by it.  The coworker accepted my no...but she and I have had issues in the past and I worry this is going to restart those issues.  She will hold onto to this and throw it back at me later. 

All I can think is how people will say I am not a team player.  I'm not always a team player - that is true.  I heard some coworkers today talked about compartmentalizing...like it's a good thing.  I don't consider pushing feelings aside a good thing.  But now I have this negative talk about how others don't like me and that I can't do this job going. 

Another part of that meeting that left me feeling weird is that I introduced myself to someone new and used my first name.  They asked what my last name is and said they won't call me by my first name as a sign of respect.  I personally thought it was disrespectful to not call me the name I said I was ok with.  I hate that about working in a school - I am comfortable with being called my first name which is at odds with school culture. 

I tried reaching out to someone today about my feelings but the interaction made me feel worse.  My go to people haven't been open to me this week.  I tried talking to my husband and his solution is to not acknowledge what I said but to go buy me candy. 

I crave deep connection with someone but am not sure that can exist.  I have felt odd and out of place my entire life.  I'm really feeling that way today and not wanting to face work tomorrow.

[rainydiary]

After my day yesterday I wrote a post on my social media.  This morning my friend from Arizona wrote me a very long private message about what I wrote.  I believe she is coming from a place of wanting to help me.  What she shared was not helpful to me.  I appreciate that she reached out but I didn't ask for her input.  I am feeling annoyed toward her.

I don't feel people understand CPTSD.  I am working toward not being so reactive but my body and brain hold years and years and years of trauma and amygdala activation that isn't going away over night.

I also believe in being able to share my story without people telling me I shouldn't feel the way I do or to "not worry so much about what other people think."  Being abandoned and hurt by people that were supposed to care for me has made all people "dangerous."  I don't like that this is true for me but it is. 

And this I think is why I struggle with connection.  I share what I experience and other people have their reactions and it sometimes leads to this weird spot. 

I think lucky I am at work because my work internet blocks access to social media.  I won't be able to respond to her for a number of hours which is probably good. 
 

[Alter-eg0]

I hear ya.
It's the reason I often don't share. And that I have different friends for different purposes. Like, I have friends who I can go to if I just want to complain, I have friends who are better at giving actual advice, etc. But sometimes, I realize that I don't have a friend who will be able to respond the way I need them do in a certain situation, and then I just keep my mouth shut and feel alone.

I agree that you should be able to share without getting that kind of unhelpful response. At the same time, there are just a lot of people in the world who (however well meaning) don't work that way. You can't really blame em, it's the way they learned to deal with things, and they are convinced that that's the way to do it. But still, it can be really annoying...

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0 - I find that certain people are my go to for different things too.  I have mixed feelings about sharing too - sometimes it works sometimes not.  Today I was reminded how unsolicited advice feels and it will hopefully help me in my communication with others.

I spoke with an understanding colleague today about my experience.  The truth I spoke to him is that I don't feel like I fit anywhere.  I do feel a purpose in working with my students and it helped a lot this week to be told that one student sees me as someone he can talk to. 

We are supposed to get a ton of snow this weekend where I live.  I hope our power doesn't go off and that I will be able to run in the morning. 

[Jazzy]

This sounds really frustrating. I hope you find peace as you continue to heal.