Rainy Diary 2021

[sanmagic7]

 

i agree with armee on all counts.  sending love and a hug filled with diminishing days at this workplace 

[rainydiary]

Armee and San, I appreciate your words and support. 
..........

My anger comes from a place of watching how my colleagues act.  My perspective is different now that I am not trying to make this work anymore.  I cannot comprehend the actions of some of my colleagues.  And I continue to be asked questions or to do work that isn't simple or something I can finish by next Friday.  In many cases I don't respond or share what I can do. 

During the meeting this morning,my anger didn't really go away.  I know that my colleagues are feeling the strain of systems that aren't working for them either.  I know that my colleagues say and do things as ways to cope.  I see that the problems I've faced start at the top of the organization and trickle down. 

And yet.........

There are ways for us to collaborate and support one another in productive, respectful ways.  And I am just disgusted by the state of things. 

My massage therapist messaged me that she is sick.  I am so disappointed that our session is cancelled.  I do understand and want her to care for herself.  And yet it also feels bad because I was really looking forward to that today.   

[rainydiary]

Noticing all the parts of grief today.  My anger today was a lot in part due to grief.

Tonight as I prepare for sleep, I have in the students that have expressed emotion at my leaving.  While I love and care about all of my students, there are 6 that I am crying over right now.

I know how it feels to not be accepted for yourself and to have a brain that functions differently from everyone around you.  These 6 young people and I have found what works for them.  I am so sad because I know they won't have another person that respects their functioning.  I also recognize that these young people experience trauma and that CPTSD may be part of their story. 

The way they function has been pathologized instead of accepted.  I just hope they will continue to have people in their life that treat them with dignity and respect.  I wish I could continue to know them and work with them.  I hope I have made a difference for them. 

[sanmagic7]

i know how tough it is to leave students behind, and i'm sorry you're having to go thru this, thru the grieving, and thru the missing of working with them.  this will soon end, even tho it's rough getting from here to there.  with you all the way.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, thank you. Today I made a list of the students that have expressed the most distress over me leaving and shared it with some colleagues.  It doesn't change that I am going and leaving these students in the hands of people that I know don't really understand them...but it's all I can do.
........

Tonight a show I was watching with my husband really caught my heart.

In the show a set of characters experienced a traumatic event.  The main character experienced PTSD.  When she was ready to talk about what happened to a child that was involved in the event, she said, "How is he supposed to move forward?"  She then reflected on her own relationship to her children and wondered what pain she has caused them.

I cried and cried and cried.  The question of how one moves forward brought to mind this community.  I appreciate having you all to help me move forward.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow, but my end date is nearing.  My foot is slowly healing and my body overall ok after that long run.  My heart is sore from love and grief.  I am grateful that the massage that got canceled the other day is rescheduled to tomorrow.  I am moving forward and that is something. 

[sanmagic7]

it is something indeed.  love and hugs, rainy.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Firstly, I wanted to Congratulate you on your running and what an achievement that was.  I know I'm late in saying that, but I really admire what you did, and I hope your body has recovered from it, as I am sure it must have taken such a lot of strength to do that.  Mentally and physically.  Well done.   

I also wanted to say that I've been reading your updates on how you're coping with the ending of your job, and the transitions you're making, and it's made me think about some of my own in a reflective way.  What I see in what you share, is that you are considering so many things, and that your heart is very caring towards your students, and I feel sure that your kindness will stay with them, long after you have left, and that you have made a significant difference to them.  I also think that the fact you can then go to another place, means that people there will benefit from having you around. 

That show you watched with your husband, and how it enabled you to express your feelings, it sounds really powerful, and I hope you're ok. 

Your caring for your students, and passing on the information to your colleagues, I hope that they will do their best to do something positive with it.

Hope 

[Armee]

You really are moving forward and that is something. It's something so powerful, and worth feeling really proud of.

I wish I could soften some of the grief for you but I know it says such admirable things about you and what you care about and I just respect you so much for how you care for and look after your students. They need more people like you in their lives.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.   
..........

Hope, I appreciate your support.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't as reflective as I am because it can often cause me a lot of pain...and yet I think it is a superpower too.
..........

Armee, thank you.  I am realizing the depth and complexity of my grief and think I will have much to process in the coming weeks and months.  I appreciate your support on my journey.
..........

Currently waiting for my massage therapist.  I want to try to clear my head a bit before going in to see her. 

I am now down to 5 more work days.  I am dreading my last moments with the students I know.  More I am dreading the fake behavior of my colleagues.  I do not want any attention brought to me by them.  I just want to go. 

I just feel weird overall. I am outgrowing and leaving situations but don't quite have what is next defined.  I'm in unknown territory in all areas of my life and it is a bit disorienting.

[BeeKeeper]

hey rainy,
I wanted to say how much this impacts me:

Today I made a list of the students that have expressed the most distress over me leaving and shared it with some colleagues.

This shows so much compassion, caring and empathy for those individuals. Your ability to see and feel their needs, to take it into your heart and then pass that information on is truly extraordinary. You are "being the change you want to see in the world."

Grief is deep and complex, which makes excavating so painful. The present and past are interwoven in a dense mass. And you are required to still wear a mask, keep up appearances and carry on. I hope your massage helped a bit to bring you some safety and comfort.

I'll be counting down the days with you. It's so wonderful you made it to single digits!

[sanmagic7]

   i reiterate everything bee said.  5 days.  you've been so strong, even when it didn't feel like it, and now you're on the homestretch.  your students will miss you, but will also be glad for the interaction they had with you.  we need more people like you to work with kids.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Bee, I appreciate your reflection.  Thank you for your post.  I especially appreciated thought of grief as a dense mass.  That resonates with me.  I will be thinking on tat this week.
..........
San, I appreciate your words.  I agree that our children and world need more of things I try to offer.  It wouldn't be as exhausting if I feel like I wasn't the only one.
..........

The weekend has been ok.  I am still in a weird mood.  Been a little more short tempered with my husband than I would like.  Not sure how to process where I'm at.  Not looking forward to enduring this week.

My husband and I have made more concrete plans for moving forward.  We even tried making a bucket list of things we want to do where we currently live...and came to see we are ready to move on. 

We also signed up for a run in December we have done a number of times and enjoyed.  It feels good to have something to train for.

This week will pass.  I am astonished at how time passes as it does.  I think some of my weird mood is that I don't have another job lined up and I don't want to keep doing exactly what I'm doing now because I know it isn't working.  I think things will open up as they should.

Something I've been struggling with and thinking some about is how attached I become to so many things.  I do need a sense of safety (we all do), yet things are always changing and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[Armee]

I'll be thinking of you this week, Rainy.

[BeeKeeper]

Rainy,

I'm glad to see you've signed up for a run in December, and that when the time comes today, the count down will be 4. A couple posts back you talked about you and H watching something related to trauma and you ended up crying. Just as "solidarity" I do the same, crying over scripted shows, which somehow make me grateful it's written in, and that I've given myself permission to feel enough to release sadness or grief.

The bucket list: yeah, I get that completely too. Been there, done that.

True, things are constantly changing and the things we get attached to also change over time and with growth. Certain things we didn't think we could LIVE WITHOUT, even 6 months ago, suddenly fall down the priority list. I've found that same dynamic very surprising since I always thought, once attached, always attached.

[rainydiary]

Armee, much appreciated. 

Bee, I appreciate your reflection and support.  My husband and I watched a video yesterday and we both cried.  I find it cool that we are showing that side to one another.  I am having a lot of thoughts on attachment that I'm sure I'll explore more as the weeks go by.

..........

I made it through my last Monday.  Mondays are pretty light student contact days and there were a lot of students absent due to illness. 

The overriding emotion today was anger. Anger at someone speaking rudely to me.  Anger at the falseness of colleagues.  Anger at how dysfunctional this place is.  Anger at how they have already torn down the passion and contribution of a new person.

I left work early because at this point what are they going to do? 

I anticipate that tomorrow will be more challenging.