Rainy Diary 2021

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

I like this level of acceptance!

I left work early because at this point what are they going to do? 

Your observation about you and your H sharing "that side" to each other warms my heart.

[rainydiary]

Bee, thank you for your words and support. 
..........

Work has already been difficult today. 

I started my day with a meeting to review a student's plan.  This student has a history of trauma and I imagine CPTSD will be part of their story if it isn't already.  I didn't realize this student is as attached to me as they are - they started crying in the meeting that I am leaving. 

I offered that I can share an email address where students can reach me in the future if they would like.  I hope to hear from some of them. 

I cried after this meeting.  I had a few "last" sessions with students that I care a lot about.  It is very hard and I imagine I will cry some more.

I decided to tell my team that I would rather not answer any questions about my move. I've been sharing as little as possible anyhow, but I have a few folks who are pressing me.  Given that I know some of them are just trying to get dirt on me, I would just rather not talk about it.  I can some folks just don't know what else to say.  They could say "It's been nice working with you" and yet that isn't coming up. 

The rest of the workday should be ok.  My most difficult colleague isn't here today which makes things feel less bad.  I am just sad. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I think you're so brave to be facing your remaining days at work in the way you are doing.  I really do.  I also admire you for setting your boundaries, regarding what you choose to share with your team. 
Hope 

[Armee]

Sadness seems like a good emotion to have right now. It IS sad. It is the right thing but sad.

I'm sorry your colleagues are trying to get dirt. I agree with your approach of grayrocking that one.

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your support.  It is encouraging.

Armee, thank you for validating.  As sad as I feel saying goodbye to my students, other things make me know I need to go.

..........

My hypervigilance is ramping up today.  I haven't been sleeping well and random memories of times I felt out of control are coming up.  Some of this is related to my menstrual cycle, but most is a response to this week.

I have this fear that some type of nastiness is going to come out at work.  I am afraid that after I leave I will be dragged into something.  I feel like I am in trouble.  I am afraid of something I can't predict happening.

And yet I also think some of what I am picking up on is how incomprehensible my choice is to my colleagues.  Their nastiness is born out their own feelings.  They feel like they lack agency and so do unkind things to one another to cope...and don't even necessarily see they are doing it. 

My heart is broken over my students.  But I need to get out of this place because it is not safe for me.  I am getting closer and my body and brain are reacting, trying to keep me safe. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy

I feel like I am in trouble.  I am afraid of something I can't predict happening.

Could this be some memories from taking a stand in the past and meeting resistance? You may have left situations before, but probably not with a 30 day agony beforehand. You deserve a respectful work environment. 

Their nastiness is born out their own feelings.  They feel like they lack agency and so do unkind things to one another to cope...and don't even necessarily see they are doing it.

Yes.

[sanmagic7]

such a tremendous week you're going thru.  i'd be a wreck, i'm sure of that.  it will pass, tho.  one thing i've often done when at the dentist (not a fan, hurts too much) is visualize myself being finished and walking out the door, all done, full of relief for having lived thru it.  don't know if something like that could be helpful for you.  whatever does help, i'm wishing you heaping doses of it.  just a few more days, rainy.  you're doing it.  sending love and a hug filled with support

[rainydiary]

Bee, yes I do think a part of me is afraid of backlash for standing up for myself - I appreciate you pointing that out.  Also this 30 days has been painful.  I have resigned positions to leave once the school year was over.  Leaving at a time that seems random in school culture is tough.  I will say more below but today has really emphasized for me why I need to go. 

San, I like the idea of visualizing being done.  I think I have been visualizing the loss of my students and not the benefit of not being here.
..........

My day started off with a meeting that captured many of the reasons why I must go. 

While certainly there are people I want away from, what I really want away from are some qualities present here that aren't good for anyone.

One is mistrust.  When I arrive to work and see cars in the parking lot that usually arrive after me, I worry I haven't been told the time a meeting starts.  This borders into unprofessionalism but my immediate colleagues refuse use calendar invites so it is always unclear when things actually are. 

Another is disrespect.  Having space to do my work is always a challenge.  Today my colleagues basically indicated a space I was told I could use and that I indicated on calendars is where I am is no longer available to my role.  Out of habit and years of this happening, I got so mad because they undermine my work by not giving me space to do it.  It signals to students that what we do doesn't count or matter. 

Something else is competitiveness.  Folks here are interested in putting on a show and one upping each other.  It creates a culture of reactivity instead of listening.  We aren't working to lift each other up but rather tear one another down.

Last is how unsafe it feels to be here.  I am still upset by the way I've been treated and how the only way I can truly stand up for myself is by leaving. 

[Armee]

That sounds like an appalling work culture Rainy. I'm sorry that you had to put up with it so long and that the students end up paying the price.

[Snowdrop]

It sounds toxic, Rainy. I'm glad you'll soon be out of there.

[rainydiary]

Armee & Snowdrop, it is appalling and toxic.  I have learned a lot of what I hope to avoid in the future.   

..........

I did not sleep well again last night.  Up very early and already feeling tired.  My spoons might already be gone for day. 

A lot of vivid imagery is coming to mind. 

I imagine my work environment has left me with thick sludge stuck to my skin.  It had seeped to my mind.  I've slowly been working to clear it away.  I think I've cleared it the most in my mind.

I am also imagining that I am sinking in some type of body of liquid.  Perhaps it used to be the sludge.  The sludge has slowly been changing to water and I am remembering that I am a good swimmer. 

The direction of safety isn't toward my current colleagues.  They act like it is and are acting like I am so unreasonable. 

But I finally saw that I can swim in the opposite direction.  I might not be able to see where I am headed but the water feels better and supportive. 

I truly am in uncharted territory in my life.  I notice my brain wanting to drag up old habits.  I have had trouble navigating that...but I think things will begin to shift even more when I can stop giving energy to showing up at work.

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

I'm so impressed by the balance you've shown by keeping yourself above water in the final days.

But I finally saw that I can swim in the opposite direction.  I might not be able to see where I am headed but the water feels better and supportive.

You've hit the target not only with your statement above but also with your list of behaviors which are in the sludge: mistrust, disrespect and competitiveness. Concrete examples helps to connect your experiences to others' in that regard. Sometimes I can't "see" my own experience until I read it elsewhere.

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary,

I've been away for a few months. I haven't totally caught up on your journal, but enough to see that you are leaving your toxic work environment. Sad to be leaving your students. Clearly, some of them took in your care. That is something that they will carry with them. Good job in having strong boundaries and not telling co-workers information that they do not need to know.

[rainydiary]

Bee, thank you.  I feel out of balance emotionally today and appreciate your words.

Notalone, thank you for your check in and words.
..........

My last day is here.

I have already lost my temper with my husband.  He is looking ahead to our future and all I feel is the loss of this job.  My reaction is an EF - to what I am not sure.

I do not want to go today.  I am tired of being told that the reason my colleagues aren't speaking to me much is because "they don't know what to say." 

I have noticed that I haven't been very present with myself at work this week.  I've spent a lot of time distracting myself.  Today I hope to stay as present as feels safe.  Make the most of last interactions with students. 

[Armee]

I'll be thinking of you and your students today as you say goodbye. Of your colleagues I'll be thinking something that I'm not allowed to type here.

I'm hoping for an enormous feeling of relief as you walk out at the end of the day.