Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you - I am coming into being a real adult I believe and I am in a new yet familiar place.  I appreciate your support and encouragement. 
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Dolly, I think your first interpretation is also present for me.  I do blame myself at times for how things have gone.  But I am also seeing how I got stuck in an old routine and dynamic.  I do worry about getting into another situation like this again.  I hope I have gained and grown in ways that will help me navigate differently in the future. 
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Hope, I appreciate the solidarity. 
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I have had two realizations over the past days -

1. I see my leaving my job as the leaving I couldn't do in childhood.  I hope I have disrupted whatever cycle I was stuck in and feel grateful that I left this time. 

2. I have always had an inner part of me that has said "keep going, it will get better."  I think it is helpful to have a visualization of where I am going and what I want....but I also think I don't always stop to acknowledge that right now it is hard.  It's not constantly hard and I have moments of ease, but it is ok to say "this is hard and I am sad and I don't know what I am doing."

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I'm glad that resonated with you. A part of me was very worried about saying it which are my own projections. I think that's a big step in recognizing that it is hard right now. You're getting in touch at a deeper level with your emotions, who you are and what you need and have set those boundaries about what works for you. I felt like I always had a constant idea of what I thought my life was going to be like and it didn't turn out like that, but I wouldn't change it now.

dolly

[sanmagic7]

 

[Not Alone]

I have had two realizations over the past days -

1. I see my leaving my job as the leaving I couldn't do in childhood.  I hope I have disrupted whatever cycle I was stuck in and feel grateful that I left this time. 

2. I have always had an inner part of me that has said "keep going, it will get better."  I think it is helpful to have a visualization of where I am going and what I want....but I also think I don't always stop to acknowledge that right now it is hard.  It's not constantly hard and I have moments of ease, but it is ok to say "this is hard and I am sad and I don't know what I am doing."

Wow. I think these realizations are huge! On #1, it emphasizes the courage it took for you to make that decision and follow through. On your second realization, I like the idea of having a visualization of where you are going and allowing yourself to be okay when you don't know what you are doing. I often am just trying to get through.   

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. Wondering how you are feeling. 

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,  i hope yoiu have a great day 

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your comment about things turning out differently than you expected.  Me too and I agree I wouldn't want it differently.
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San, 
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Not Alone, I appreciate your words and support.
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Armee, thank you, I'll give an update.
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Larry, thank you.  I hope your days are going as well as they can.
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I just went and had a booster for the COVID vaccine.  I hope that I don't end up feeling too lousy.

I am doing ok overall.  This past weekend my husband and I took a weekend trip to a town we've enjoyed.  This time round I think we saw that we are ready to find new places in a new state.  We did have a disagreement last week that upset me - he was responding from a place that had little to do with the present.  I don't know if my husband would identify with CPTSD but he definitely has EFs.  It's hard for me when he has one because I don't know what to do.

I've had a lot of up and down feelings as I process my work experiences.  I am wondering if it would help me to write down my story of work.  I've had a difficult relationship to jobs my entire life. 

My husband's parents are coming to visit next week.  They literally just told my husband that his dad has skin cancer.  I'm sorry that he is having that experience and I am also beyond frustrated at the way they handle things. 

I carry a lot of disgust for my parents in law.  I am thinking a lot about the time of my brother in law's death and I cannot excuse/forgive their behavior.  And they time a trip to come out here and make my husband feel bad on the anniversary of his death. 

I dread them giving my husband a hard time about us moving.  He thinks they won't...but especially with this stuff about skin cancer and all I know they will lay it on. 

I have a lot of worry about our parents as we get older.  I don't want to care for my parents.  I dread navigating that with my siblings.  But I don't worry about my siblings being able to manage their lives.  I dread what my in-laws aging and dying will mean to my husband and his siblings.  His siblings are adult children and I don't want to be responsible for them. 

I guess family stuff weighs on me this time of year anyways.  I don't know how to be in relationship to my family and I want little to no relationship with my in-laws.

It's a lot to balance between all of these things. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i really like the idea of writing down your work experiences.  sometimes we can find more clarity when we're able to see it in black and white.

i don't envy you the struggle you face with your in-laws.  i just wish it could be different, they could be different. 

i also struggle with family stuff around the holidays.  there are so many expectations placed on the idea of family, especially that picture of the perfect family coming together in love and harmony.  too many times it just ain't so.

keep taking care of you during these rough times, ok?  here's hoping these experiences work themselves out in a way that provides you with as little stress as possible.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your message.  I am noticing that Mondays of late have been knocking me down.  I think some of it is perhaps habitual - I have a lot of negative energy that doesn't know where to go that used to be used to gear myself up a work week.
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I was more upset earlier than I realized.  I went for some walks, did a yoga nidra practice, journaled, reached out to some folks, and spent some time reading Pete Walker's book.  My feelings shifted and I saw that I am responding from an old place.

My husband and I have had a lot of issues around moving in our relationship in the past so I am expecting something to go wrong.  I saw that he hasn't given me a reason this time to be so worried. 

I am worried his parents will put too much pressure on him and that he will do what they want as he has done in the past.  However of late he has been speaking and establishing boundaries with them differently.  So, I can do my best to check in on how things are going without assuming the past will repeat.  I am afraid of getting myself stuck or hurt again but hopefully this time I will be aware enough to speak up for my needs. 

I have also been rereading Pete Walker's book.  It is landing with me differently than before as I am able to get different meaning out of the words than I was before.  I am so grateful he pulled that information together.

[owl25]

 

[sanmagic7]

interesting theory, rainy, about the monday energy thing.  you could be onto something. 

sounds like there has been movement in a healthy direction for both you and your hub w/ boundaries and such.  very glad for you both.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Owl, thank you. 
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San, I appreciate your support and the reflection in your words.
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The COVID booster made me feel unwell for a few days.  I'm feeling much better today and having a variety of thoughts and experiences that feel big (mostly in a good way).  I'm not sure exactly how to put it all in words but I will try.

The biggest roller coaster right now is the upcoming visit of my parents in law.  I get to a place where I'm ok and then something else comes up. 

For instance I just saw on our shared calendar that my husband is going to pick them up from the airport.  He really should have told me and I also know that I am not great at welcoming conversation about this.  The airport is a good hour away from us one way.  I suppose many people would pick up family members from the airport...but with my in-laws it feels loaded.  They choose flights that get into our city very late.  Also, if they aren't renting their own car, it makes me wonder how much they expect us to drive them around. 

My in-laws are heavy in my thoughts right now because I am still impacted by brother in law's death as well as being a member of this family by marriage.  Their dysfunction is so different from that of my family.  I see my parents in law as peaceless people - they have not faced or dealt with things in their lives.  And now they are retired and suffering and bored and want to drag us all down in addition to the harm they already caused in raising their children. 

I feel confused by what my husband wants out of the relationship with his family.  I think he still primarily responds out of the FOG although I think he is starting to step out of it a bit.  He told me he doesn't want to spend Christmas with them (which surprised me) so we are going to see my parents (which is a whole other layer for me to contemplate later). I think I need to find a way to be as prepared for their (unwelcome and unsolicited) visit as I can. 

This morning I felt deep in my heart how I do not need to know how to do or be everything.  As I think about what I hope for in the future and in my work, I often get stuck because I want to control things I can't really control.  I also have a lot of perfectionism I've been working to let go of.  I do hope to be able to feel more trust in others because they can bring or support things I may not know or have skill with. 

I'm crossing into this space where I am starting to wonder if I am generally feeling more safe as well as more uncomfortable (in good ways).  I am uncomfortable because I am attempting to do things that are new and without the loud refrain of my critic.  Discomfort can feel like danger to my brain and yet there is a balance. 

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,  i know how hard family can be,  sending you some good vibes !

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I echo San and appreciate how difficult family can be and how many expectations are placed on us. Especially around this time of year. It sounds like you and your husband are coming to more of a shared understanding about things which is great!

This sounds like a big realisation about not being able to know everything or do everything  I get that place it's coming from, to control everything so you're not in danger and can protect yourself.

For instance I just saw on our shared calendar that my husband is going to pick them up from the airport.  He really should have told me and I also know that I am not great at welcoming conversation about this.  The airport is a good hour away from us one way.  I suppose many people would pick up family members from the airport...but with my in-laws it feels loaded.  They choose flights that get into our city very late.  Also, if they aren't renting their own car, it makes me wonder how much they expect us to drive them around. 

I understand this so well. I thought maybe she could bring up the subject of them renting a car and that brought back memories of trying out boundaries with my family and having it blow up in my face; that they would take it personally or be affronted. So, I would keep doing it to "keep the peace." To me it's like being suffocated in place - that you can't do either or almost. I guess it's almost that you can't make ppl happy.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate the support.  I'll be ok for a while and then the afternoon arrives.  I start getting super anxious in the afternoons. 
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Dolly, thank you.  Every other time his parents have visited they have rented a car so I just assumed they would this time.  I know rental cars can be difficult to access right now, but I don't want to look too hard for a reason as to why they haven't - I have known them for a long time and know how they are.  I will do my best to be a support for my husband and take care of my reactions on my own time.
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Today I notice that in the morning I felt fine.  As noon approached, my mind began to fill with anxiety and dread and anger and disgust as I think of my in-laws. 

I am bothered that they have timed their visit to be around the time of my BIL's death.  I think it is a bad idea and I am somewhat entering an EF where I am thinking "what thing is going to happen in their family next week that is going to completely unravel my life?" 

I am bothered that they will expect my husband to regulate their emotions.  He is on edge already and I am afraid of how next week will go.  It bothers me that they don't build relationships with other people their age to help them through tough times - they expect their children to do it and the weight of that has not been good to my husband and his siblings. 

And yet, I spend all this time worrying about them and my husband and tend to not address me.  I still do not understand what it is about them that unnerves and unglues me every time.  I think it is somewhat their utter lack of boundaries.  They are rude and unkind and lie.  They insist on us all being together and it just results in fights and dysfunction.  Each of them is forced to ignore their own individual needs for the group and then no one ends up in a good place.

I think they also send me subtle (and not so subtle) cues that I don't belong with them.  My parents in law have tried since I've known them to manipulate and control me.  I haven't always handled myself well with them but I don't fall for their games.  And yet, they don't stop, they just sneakier and try to put my husband in the middle of it. 

I keep hoping one day I won't react as strongly to the thought of their presence.  Once they are here, I will be able to go with the flow....but the thought of them coming makes me so unhappy.