Rainy Diary 2021

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,  i know you are strong and can get through this,  everyone here is thinking about you and ready to support you however we can

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary,

I hear the anxiety you are feeling regarding in-laws visit. 

I feel confused by what my husband wants out of the relationship with his family.

My guess is that he is confused, or at least inconsistent about what he wants.

I still do not understand what it is about them that unnerves and unglues me every time.  I think it is somewhat their utter lack of boundaries.  They are rude and unkind and lie.  They insist on us all being together and it just results in fights and dysfunction.  Each of them is forced to ignore their own individual needs for the group and then no one ends up in a good place.

I think they also send me subtle (and not so subtle) cues that I don't belong with them.  My parents in law have tried since I've known them to manipulate and control me.  I haven't always handled myself well with them but I don't fall for their games.  And yet, they don't stop, they just sneakier and try to put my husband in the middle of it. 

You might not understand everything about your in-laws that is distressing to you, but you named a number of factors that are upsetting. Even if you didn't have issues from your FOO, the behavior of your ILs would be disturbing.

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you.  It is helpful to have the reminder and thought of strength. 
.....
Not Alone, thank you for the perspective.  I suppose there doesn't have to be a reason other than that their behavior is upsetting.  I give myself a hard time for not being able to handle it when really, why should I be able to?
..........

I am in a bad mood today.  I think it has a lot of sources.  I'm not too sure how to care for myself in this moment.

I feel relatively ok with regard to the upcoming visit and imagine I will feel up and down over the next few days until they get here.

Yesterday I got to a place where I felt so full of love and kindness that I reached out to my husband and to a friend to share my gratitude for them.  There was a line in Pete Walker's book that really opened my heart.  I will add that line in a future entry.

I think that my in-laws are actually afraid of me.  Not because of anything in particular that I've done but for how I am.  I don't feel comfortable around them but I also don't tend to compromise away my personhood.  They don't like me and I don't like them which is ok. 

I have learned that if I stand out of the way and not try to convince my husband to see things a certain way.  His parents will ruin the visit and experience all on their own.  It's just hard to watch.  I don't like the pain they cause him and the pain it causes me. He will try so hard to please them when really they can't be pleased. 

In the past I would share all my bad thoughts with my husband which then gave him a person to blame (me) for things not going well.  When I don't do that, he has to somewhat face what is really there.

It will definitely be one step at a time in the coming days. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
So many things that you've said about the dynamics within your in-laws situation reminds me of my own FOO, and the interactions between myself and them.  I just wanted to say that I admire the fact that you're able to retain your own personhood, and stick with your resolve, despite the things you come across in relation to them.  I also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i think not allowing yourself to be set up between your hub and his parents is a great realization for you.  i wholly support it.  best to you during all this. love and hugs, my dear rainy. 

[owl25]

That's an important insight around standing back and not sharing any of your thoughts about your husband's parents. That does keep you outside of the dynamic and doesn't muddy the waters that way. I can well imagine it's hard to watch. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your husband is on his own path with his own timeline that it's going to take for him to figure things out. That's hard because it affects you and you can't change it, but it is helpful to be aware of that and to know getting out of the way of that will simplify his process.

I see you gaining more and more self-confidence and strength in the face of difficult people around you. It doesn't make it easier, probably, but maybe you can draw on that in moments where things feel discouraging.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

That sounds like the best you can do for him, to support him and let his parent ruin it on their own. I'm sorry that you have to watch it though. The last thing you want to see is someone you love get hurt. I second Larry and think it's an immeasurably strong thing to do. 

I think you're right that it doesn't have anything to do with you. Sometimes healthy boundaries make people who don't have any uncomfortable and we don't have to change them to make them feel better.

Sending you support for the trip. My T told me today to think of my visit home as an archeological trip and gather information about human behaviour. Maybe that's helpful to you too.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - this morning I don't have the capacity for individual responses.

My husband received a message this morning from his father that his uncle died from cancer. 

For me, that explains a lot of why my FIL was convinced he has cancer. 

It is sad news and I am sorry for the loss.  Yet, I am so activated now.  This is difficult timing and is going to make my husband and parents in law even more difficult to deal with this week.

I wish my in-laws would just stay home.  If my husband feels like he needs to be with them, I wish he would just go to his hometown. 

Times this like emphasize how differently my family responds to death versus how my husband's family does.  To me, my in-laws' response is so over the top and draining on everyone's resources because they are so enmeshed. 

I will not act "right" in this time for them.  I do not want to go to my husband's home state.  I think I am activated because I didn't go to my BIL's funeral and that caused a huge issue.  I worry this is going to put a wedge between me and my husband when I inevitably don't live up to expectations his parents will have of me.

I am going to swim some laps and hope this day moves forward in an ok way.   

[Armee]

I'm sorry Rainy. This sounds like it may indeed be quite difficult. I truly hope that they cancel their trip and do not come to you at a time like this.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.   
.........:

It has been a difficult morning.  I definitely have made assumptions about how my husband was going to act based on the past, primarily with how things went down when my BIL died. 

I went swimming and while I swam, I acknowledged that I am afraid.  My BIL's death was the thing that broke me wide open and led me to finally acknowledging abuse and trauma in my history.  That made me less able to be there for my husband.  My brain and body are afraid that is happening again (which it isn't and also I have gained a lot of tools and information I didn't have last time).

My BIL's death put a huge strain on my marriage.  My husband was not kind to me and I was not kind to him.  I seriously questioned if our marriage was over.  I think the reality was that situation brought to the surface a lot we hadn't been dealing with and the way forward was to either face and grow or end our relationship.

My impression is that we have been facing and growing.  I still have times where I wonder if I have made a mistake and yet deep down there is this knowledge I wouldn't have arrived at where I am without him. 

Yet, part of my fear is that we are going to move backwards as his family navigates this.  So, I feel this deeply in my soul as I am swimming and for some reason decide to try to be vulnerable with my mother about what I am dealing with. 

That was a mistake.  She launched into this tirade about a lot of stuff.  She hurt me and I cried and began to feel terrible about myself. 

What I noticed from this interaction:

My mom's response was more about her and boiled down to her wanting me to be happy (which is rich considering that I struggle with happiness because of how I was parented)

My parents criticize me for being too honest and telling people the harsh truth when anytime I try to receive comfort from them that is how they respond (honest, harsh) - I saw that this is what has been modeled as well as punished for me and it makes sense that I feel compelled to always tell people exactly what I think

I still want comfort from my parents but I am not going to get it

I actively worked my way through my feelings and ended up sharing my experience with husband.  I was reminded how it feels when someone shares information a person did not ask for.  It was a reminder that he has never asked me for how I feel or think about his parents behavior and I have hurt him.  It was my attempt to stand up for myself when really the best thing might have been to share what I need and not make it about things I have no control over. 

When I got home from swimming I saw that my husband wasn't falling apart like I assumed he would be.  While I was away I tried to suggest something I could live with - that he go home and I will fly out when a funeral is planned.  I have no actual interest in going to the funeral but I didn't go to my BIL's funeral and it caused so much strife.   

My in-laws are still coming as far as I know which doesn't surprise me.  They will expect my FIL's family to deal with the arrangements while doing nothing and then at the funeral want sympathy and all the show. 

I hope to try to respond to what is actually happening and not the past.  I am deeply tired and overwhelmed now.  My mom really touched upon past hurt and it was a clear reminder of what contributed to trauma and CPTSD.  I have also come a long way that I can see all of this and seem to have effectively communicated my support needs to my husband. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

Sending you some support  it sounds like you're about to walk into a den of narcissists while maybe coming to terms with the (possible) narcs in your family (?). Alter-ego wrote a really good thread about covert narcissism in her father and why their relationship just seemed "off" when he said he loved her. Gaslighting really does a number on us. It would be very telling if his father only had a "scare" while he knew his brother's condition to try and get attention.

It sounds really positive what has been happening with your husband, and that he is growing and changing as well. I hope that you two can find some communication about this too in a way that gets both your needs met.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you for your words and thoughts.  There are definitely positives and things I am still processing from today.
..........
This is the first time in a long time I've been in an EF for most of the day. 

My heart has felt broken. 

The interaction with my mom really shook me to my core. 

I think because that kind of stuff used to happen all the time and I experience it so differently now. 

I think because I feel like I should have seen it coming.  She and I were playing out a dynamic this week and this is a predictable outcome.

I think I had foolishly thought this kind of stuff wouldn't happen anymore.  But it still can. 

My in-laws are still coming and I am exhausted.  I don't live up to my parents expectations or those of my in-laws.

Generally I am ok with that but right now I am responding from a place of Little Me.  It hurts so much today. 

[Larry]

 
thinking of you....

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]