Rainy Diary 2021

[sanmagic7]

my dear rainy, sending lots of love and a hug filled with compassion and support as you navigate all the angles of this situation 

[dollyvee]

Sending you some support  even if your parents or in laws can't see it, you're doing a great job. You've got so much care and compassion for others, I'm sorry it's lost on them.

dolly

[Larry]

 
sending some sun on a rainy day, 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I really like that sunshine face.   Thank you for the support and encouragement. 
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Not Alone, thank you 
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Armee, thank you 
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San, I appreciate it 
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Dolly, I appreciate that you and others here see me.
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I think I am feeling a little better today.  I had odd dreams last night and today is the day my in-laws arrive.  I won't have to see them today but I find it challenging when they are even in the same state/proximity.

I don't want to lie to myself - when I saw it doesn't bother me that my parents and in-laws don't accept me, that isn't true.  It hurts.  I don't understand.  At times I can balance all the feelings I have and right now the balance is gone.

My husband seems a bit lighter than I have seen him in a while.  Maybe he doesn't feel like he has to hide - it still bothers me how much he does for his family and how he doesn't seem to see how hurtful they are.  Right now all I can do is try to care for myself.

My instincts to run away are so high right now.  I'm not entirely sure what I would be running from or to where, but I want to avoid like nothing else.  Usually work gives me a good excuse to avoid my in-laws and I don't have that right now.  I am busy and always have things to do that are important to me, but I know expectations are there that I put it all aside for in-laws. 

I do wonder if there is more narcissism in my FOO than I have been willing to face before.  It is definitely present in my in-laws and I see it in my grandparents...which means my parents learned it too.  Maybe that is why my in-laws are so difficult - if touches upon old wounds because it is so blatant and I don't have the same relationship that I do with my FOO.

*sigh*

[sanmagic7]

rainy, under the circumstances, i'm not surprised you feel out of balance.  and i totally get that feeling of wanting to run.  who wouldn't want to when faced with a den of lions?  i can only imagine how great that hurt might be.  sending love and a hug filled with support and encouragement to walk your own path.  your path is valid, too.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I would also like to send a hug of support to you at this time,    I'd like to say more, but I'm finding it difficult to find my words.  So I'll just leave the hug there, and I really hope that you are able to enjoy your evening.  I know this time is challenging for you, and I understand why. 
Hope 

[owl25]

Not sure if this is of any help, but a part of me wants to suggest putting an invisible protective bubble as kind of a shield around you while your in-laws are visit. This shield will keep you safe from them. Not sure if that would work for you, but thought I'd throw it out there in case it's helpful.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for the support of me on my path.
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Hope, thank you for the hug and the words you offered today.
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Owl, I appreciate the idea.  I was thinking of trying a similar thing.  I notice that once I see them and they are here, I am able to gray rock.  I hope one day to find a way to care for myself into the lead up of seeing them. 
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Today I read a letter written by the leader of the yoga training I am doing.  She wrote a letter to her child as a way of comfort because her child recently broke their arm.  Seeing that letter hurt me as I saw that I did not receive that kind of support and comfort from either of my parents.

The interaction my mom and I had over the weekend was not a new or surprising interaction.  What has changed is my experience of it.  It really opened up something in me.

I really felt how deeply hurt I am by my parents constant invalidation of me especially in times of need.  To date I have focused a lot more on the hurt caused by father because his expression of abuse was much more overt than my mom's.  She certainly had moments that were more overt but generally hurtful things were said in conversation.  Things about my appearance, my body, my behavior. 

I think those comments sank very deep in and I didn't realize it.  Today a lot of that pain came up. 

Of course the impending arrival of my in-laws doesn't help.  I am trying to tell my husband what I need and yet it is hard because all I hear is my inner critic (which right now sounds a lot like my mom) telling me I need to be "nice and pleasant and play the game and not let them know much they bother me." 

I think my husband and I will figure it out the next few days.  I just can't explain to him how hurt and afraid I feel inside of EFs.  Today I felt like I was dying because it hurts so much.  I will say that when I tried to reach out to him, he tried to respond which did help. 

[Larry]

i wish i could do or say something helpful,  just know i am thinking of you

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate it.  I find myself thinking of folks in our community when I am reading or learning.  I wish I could help everyone feel better here too.
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My husband is on his way to pick up his parents at the airport.  I catastrophize night driving and am terrified for him.  I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep until he gets home.

I feel a little more settled than I have all day.  My most consistent friend reached out to me to see how I am doing which I appreciated. 

Something I don't think I mentioned earlier - today I received the last license I would need to get a job in my new state.  At first I was excited and then triggered.  Work is a whole other area where I don't know how to face.

I tried writing my story of work.  It ended up being a list of things most of which can be summed up as "I'm not cut out for work."  I do struggle with relationships and yet I have also only ever worked in extremely toxic environments. 

My critic is extremely active right now.  There is a lot going on right now.  I feel certain I will find my way through but the past few days have been a lot.

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

I'm sorry that it's so tough right now. We're here for you. From the outside, it seems positive that you had the reaction on the phone with your mom, that some part recognized that this wasn't right. You should be able to go to your parents when you have issues to discuss them and not be criticized. 

I've been in that place and I recognize how you feel looking at other peoples' parents (and when they complain about their parents  ). I wonder if you have access to a T that knows about NPD and trauma that might help you go through this too? I think my T has had a big part in starting to feel separate from my family, and that it's not "me."

Check in if it gets too much 

dolly

[sanmagic7]

with you as you go thru this, rainy.  sending love and a hug filled with support and care

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your support.  Therapy honestly hasn't been a great fit for me in the past.  I have found much more healing in having positive connection with others, like my friend that reached out and now more consistently my husband.  I will remain open to the possibility that more perspectives would be helpful in time.
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San, thank you 
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And just like that, I feel much better today.   

It's hard to not just respond to the way things used to go.  This morning my husband shared reflections that made me see he is seeing more how his parents act (for instance, them not renting a car, his mom "forgetting" a winter jacket which she definitely needs where we are and how they won't be ready to leave for breakfast when he arrives).  I just tried to listen to him and didn't try to add my opinion (not sure if that happened).

It's also helpful that he didn't insist on me going this morning.  I told him I would have lunch or dinner with them which he accepted.  It did occur to me that there will be times he will probably be looking for a way out of time with them. 

I think I grieved some for my myself and my family yesterday.  It will continue being a process.  This time of year is often too much.  It makes me feel a lot better that my husband seems to be more and more part of my team than before.  I hope I can return that to him too. 

[Armee]

Inlove reading about the promise and growth in your marriage Rainy. 

Sending you lots of love and support as you get through this time with your in laws. It sounds like you know you get to set your own boundaries for yourself and I'll just say I'm standing right behind you on that.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you  - I appreciate your support.
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It is hard to relax.  I haven't yet spoken to my in-laws although my husband brought them to our house. 

I'm just not sure what he is actually ok with and what he isn't.  I haven't said yes to anything but dinner.  I don't want to drink with them and I don't want to be near them for long. 

I'm probably a bit triggered as I am aimlessly cleaning and packing up around my house just for something to do.