Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Well it came to the point where I judged it better to just jump and put in some face time with the in-laws.  I would rather write about my evening than hold it in and unintentionally punish my husband for how his parents act. 

As I expected, they act exactly the same regardless of what is going on in their lives.  I see tonight that I attribute more pain and suffering to them than they seem capable of expressing. They might be feeling things but instead my FIL is obsessing over a concert they are going to tomorrow (which I guarantee no one else wants to go to but him) and my MIL (who claims to be so allergic to cats) feels compelled to try to greet my cat and be surprised that the cat approached her (huge eye roll).  I really couldn't handle when they said it is my husband's turn to pay tomorrow.  That is the main thing getting under my skin right now. 

As far as time spent with them, this was relatively painless for me.  As long as we stay in public and I engage as little as possible, it goes ok. 

The way they speak to each other and to my husband gets under my skin.  They are mean to one another and call it "joking."  They really have expected my husband to be their taxi.  We are down to one car in our household which generally isn't a problem...but of course I have some appointments tomorrow that I will now need to figure out my way to instead of them figuring something out. 

I'm sure they will expect me to show up more the next two days, but I don't know how much more I could take.  I was fascinated by how low I get at just the thought of them coming here and then once they are here and we are in the same space, I find I can survive.  I think it just takes so much energy and it is that cost that I dread.  I also know that no matter what, they will be as ridiculous and mean as always and then try to make me feel bad for not wanting to be around it. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I relate to that. I've been lucky with my current T as she's been open to everything I've brought in to the sessions even if they're pretty out there to "normal" therapy - physical connections to what's coming up, IFS (including legacy and unattached burdens). I've had a few therapists in the past that while even well meaning, I don't think would have taken this on board, and there was a sense of alienation for me.

Really happy for you and your husband coming to understand one another over the ILs. It sounds like you are setting boundaries and able to see the situation for what it is.

dolly

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, it sounds like you are doing some good self care by staying away as much as possible.  if they try to guilt you for that, then i say pooh on them.  i find it interesting how many people have the dynamic you mentioned - being mean to each other under the guise of 'joking'.  ugh!  i'm glad you're doing what you can to not be involved with that.  i also give you credit for letting your hub deal with them - i can understand it must be frustrating to see him engage in their dynamic, tho. 

hang tough, ok?  the week is almost over and soon they'll be gone.  i just hope for you there is little to no aftermath.  but, may i just say, i find it quite rude that they're hogging the car when you have appointments to get to.  sounds like there's very little consideration for anyone else.  love and hugs, rainy.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you for your understanding.  My massage therapist shared a book with me about IFS that I hope to get into when I have some more spare energy. 
.....
San, I appreciate the support.  I can see why it is tough for my husband to pick up on why I find his family so difficult.  Their abuse is rather subtle and built into the fabric of their interactions.  I'm pretty annoyed today, so I appreciate your offerings today.
........

Today is getting off to a rocky start.  I woke up and my mind immediately went to moments of when I felt so powerless in my most recent job.  I tried yelling or acting large in my mind, but I'm not sure it helped. 

Perhaps it is because one day of watching my husband chauffeur his parents around is enough.  And today I am feeling irritated that I have to find alternative transportation because they don't care that their "vacation" is impacting me. 

The voice of my father is looming as I write those words.  In his voice, I heard myself saying I need to stop acting entitled and figure it out.  It isn't so much that I don't have a car - my issue is that my in-laws deliberately didn't secure a reliable form of transportation for our area and that is annoying to me.  My dad doesn't see the passive aggressive way my in-laws speak to my husband until he does what they want.  I wish he would just tell them no. 

Another struggle this morning is how poorly my in-laws care for themselves.  They ran themselves ragged yesterday and will do it again today.  My husband is exhausted and instead of saying no, he is participating in their poor care.  I don't abide by the notion that "we'll sleep when we are dead."  Part of living to the fullest is caring for ourselves and resting. 

I'm also struggling because my husband had initially made a plan with me for today about us working out together and helping me with transportation, but he has now "forgotten."  I am triggered by how quickly he falls back into dynamic with his family.  When we all lived in the same town, he was their son first and my husband last.  That is happening right now too to a lesser degree and it is making me sad and mad and frustrated and sick. 

Tomorrow evening they will leave.  I will be interested to see if my husband ends up driving them to the airport.  He claims he will encourage them to take the train but given how he is acting right now I don't think that will happen. 

[sanmagic7]

it's a lot to deal with, rainy.  i don't blame you for your irritation at all, not at your in-laws, nor toward your hub for putting you second.  am with you all the way with this - thank goodness it'll be over soon and you won't have to deal with their subtle, passive-aggressive words and behaviors.  good luck with the aftermath and how it affects your hub.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your support.  I am exhausted by this.
..........

I'm not coping so well right now.  My husband returned home after being gone for around 6-7 hours. 

Just enough time for him to come home and point out all the flaws in our current lifestyle.  Which I know comes from the constant stream of harm his parents spew. 

I am trying to be understanding, but I am exhausted.  I am feeling so upset at how quickly he falls back into dynamics.  I am noticing it is very different when it is just him and his parents versus when his siblings are also present. 

We do have things we probably should address as a couple.  But, our way doesn't have to be the way of his parents.  They aren't perfect either.  And this is the stuff I feel so powerless against.  What exactly happened today?  Nothing he would be able to pinpoint.  Just his parents constantly running their mouths.

This morning I got to a place where I remembered something I heard or read recently (but can't remember where).  The idea was that expectations aren't agreements. 

I do think I can be more clear and aim to get agreements instead of relying on expectations with my husband.  And now I am giving myself a hard time worrying about things my mom threw at me the other day. 

It's a lot to sort through. 

[Larry]

so sorry you are dealing with so much right now.  I hope you can do something nice for yourself, 

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you.  I did have a massage today and it was helpful to see my massage therapist.  I also had the evening to myself and tried to enjoy what I could.
..........
This afternoon/evening was really up and down.

I think I overreacted to my husband when he got home.  I think he was trying to share things he hopes to adjust.  I think being around his family is also weighing on him.

He also shared that he found out the date of his uncle's funeral.  It conflicts with a trip we planned to visit the state we are moving to.  While the dates of the trip we planned are arbitrary and it isn't anyone's fault that his uncle died when he did, I am still so annoyed.  I am tired of making adjustments to accommodate his family.  I realize it isn't rational to feel that way in this situation, but I do.

I will say my husband and I did face a conversation and made adjustments to our plan together.  I was able to share some things on my mind as was he.  He also was accepting that I do not want to go to the funeral or to his hometown.  He is going to go out next week and take some bereavement days.  So I will have some days all to myself next week which I actually think will be good.   

This time and situation are leaving me in an EF. This time 2 years ago I felt abandoned by my husband and right now is reminding me of that time.  I really don't like November/December.  It is too overwhelming and each year the expectations feel higher and higher. 

I don't understand all this stuff my husband feels like he needs to do, yet I feel like we are working together and hearing each other.  I am trying to put my experience more into words and he is listening.

This time will pass.  I hope to plan some ways to recharge next week when I am alone.

[Armee]

  This is a really hard time of year for you and the timing of this added stress, one that is too similar to past stresses is painful. I'm proud of you for being to talk to your husband and adjust plans, together. I do hope your time alone next week is helpful for recharging.

[Snowdrop]

 

[rainydiary]

Armee & Snowdrop, I appreciate the support. 
.......

It's funny, I was about to write that I am doing better.  I decided to order dinner early because I haven't eaten much today and I am hungry. 

As I get ready to leave, I see a message that he and my in-laws are coming to our house.  Of course they are. 

I am not ok with seeing them again.  And I am annoyed that he doesn't see that this is a mean game they are playing.   They trying to force their company on me one last time. 

At first I was going to deliberately not be here and then I decided to stay put.  This is my home and I will do my best to make them feel as awkward as possible by being here. 

I have a lot of retorts I want to throw at my husband as they have him working down to the last minute.  I'm also still really annoyed by the "boy who cries wolf" dynamic that my in-laws evoke. 

My husband is doing the best he can, but these folks need to go. 

[Not Alone]

Rainydiary, I'm glad they are leaving soon. You've done a good job of being aware of your feelings. I'm glad you are expressing your feelings here. You have a lot going on with your in-laws and a lot of complex issues there.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate your support and encouragement.
..........





My in-laws are finally gone.  Not before they walked in my house while I was on the toilet with the door open (I wasn't expecting anyone to walk in).  I have survived another unwelcome visit from them. 

Today I was trying to make a list of things I wanted to do while my husband is away next week.  I had a hard time making a list.  I realized that I am doing more of what I want already and not just saving it up for when I am on my own.  That is cool. 

I am exhausted and even though I will feel a little better now that my in-laws are gone, I am still not thrilled at the trip at my husband will take next week.  I don't think he needs to be there for 6 days.  Those days are driven by his guilt. 

I hope to reflect on all the judgment and defensiveness that comes up when I am with my in-laws.  Their behavior makes me question myself and my husband and everything.  It is awful. 

[Not Alone]

  No avatar for this: deep sigh of relief.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you. 
..........

I am so irritated this morning.  My husband is trying to "make up" for things and I am not receiving it gracefully. 

Every time he speaks all I hear is his parents.  I think that is my perception and not necessarily anything he is doing or saying in particular. 

Underneath all of this is dissatisfaction with myself.  And distrust.  I am worn out.