Rainy Diary 2021

[Larry]

i hope you can get some rest today

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

No wonder you are worn out, rainydiary.  I am so happy for you that your ILs have finally gone but it's understandable that your feelings about the visit don't just disappear into thin air. I am glad you are able to express them here. You have been dealing with so much these past few months.

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you, I appreciate this.
.....

Armee, thank you. 
.....

Blueberry, thank you for your words. 
.....

This day is proving more challenging than I expected. 

This is the day 2 years ago my husband and I received word about his brother.

I was at work and my husband called me.  I remember going numb with shock.

I told him I would come home and remember the looks of "what the?" from my colleagues as I told folks I needed to go.

I got home and my husband was deeply upset.  We made arrangements to fly to his hometown.

The trip was so long and painful.  And the days that followed.  I stayed longer than I wanted to at the request of my husband.  When I left, he stayed behind and I had a terrible feeling leaving him there. 

The terrible feeling was that my entire life, our life, was demolished.  I felt so far away from him and from myself. 

In the weeks that followed I faced the truth that I was abused.  I felt my husband pull further and further away.  He was not forthcoming with me during the 6 weeks that followed his brother's death. 

He left me at our shared home to stay with his family.  He did things for me out of guilt yet remained with his family. 

When we reunited he told he couldn't be that far from his family and I thought our marriage would end because there was no way I could live in his hometown again. 

We started trying to cobble back together and then the pandemic hit. 

For me, the pandemic gave me space to explore and heal and I did my best to focus on myself. 

I have come a long way.  And yet the pain of that day lingers.  I am so afraid of losing everything.  I am saddened at how little I trust myself.  Today I am just sad. 

[Blueberry]

You have come a long way, a really long way! Reading your post, I must correct my own. You have been going through so much for at least 2 years, not just the past few months.

Sending comfort for the pain you are experiencing now. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you 
..........

Planning to go to bed early as I have a huge headache.

In addition to emotions, today I really got stuck on three things.

One was getting a form notarized.  I did a virtual notary appointment (which I hope the place I am getting this document notarized for will accept).  Just the prospect of the appointment and being able to follow all the directions for me worked up.

Another was my plan to pick up a pizza for dinner.  I was ordering from a new place.  Anything outside my routine is tough.  I worried about this plan all day. 

The last is a job interview process I initiated yesterday.  The position would be a short term contract where I would be hired by a staffing agency.  I was thrown off today because one person initially contacted me and then she passed me onto someone else.  That other person sent me a long email with lots of steps.  I got so overwhelmed and could not respond back.  I don't like feeling rushed or pushed.  I am also terrified of going back to work. 

I hope sleep is refreshing and that tomorrow is less intense.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that sleep was refreshing for you.  Sending you a supportive hug and hoping that today is ok 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I can understand why it must be so difficult to have your inlaws over if maybe they are a reminder of the time when you had your realization.

Sending you some warm, peaceful support for today.

dolly

[sanmagic7]

oh, rainy, such anniversaries can be heartbreaking and devastating.  the triggers they hold . . .

this visit by your in-laws sounds so upsetting.  i wish i could say or do more to comfort you.  sending a warm blanket to curl up with, a hot beverage to help warm your insides, and a bouquet of daisies to just help with the healing.  it sounds like you could use some time to get over this visit and the aftermath with your hub.  sending love and a hug filled with care and peace.

[Larry]

hi rainy,  i am here to support you,  i just don't know how to say it,  i hope you can do something nice for yourself today.

[Not Alone]

You have so much going on right now, with the anniversary of BIL's death and everything associated with that, in-laws' visit, job interview, etc. Sending care to you.

[Armee]

Sending you care, too, Rainy. This is a very hard anniversary and compounded by a visit that is never welcome but especially not at this time. I'm glad they are gone and I hope you and spouse can reset quickly.

[Snowdrop]

You've been through such a lot, Rainy. I'm glad you can see you've come a long way. I hope you feel better after your sleep.

[rainydiary]

You all, wow.  I was overwhelmed with feelings of care and safety as I opened up the site today.  Thank you for the care and comfort you have offered.
..........

Well, my in-laws parted a special gift - illness.  I have come down with a cold.  Nothing other than being around them has been different for me.  I will recover but I am feeling especially frustrated.

I unfortunately haven't slept particularly well the past few nights.  My husband and I did take a day trip to our favorite town and enjoyed a low key day.  Today I have tried to rest.  It is hard to feel comfortable with my feeling so full. 

I would say that because I don't feel well, it takes me out of my head a bit which is probably ok. 

I hope to feel better tomorrow and see what this week brings.  My husband is heading to visit his family leading up to his uncle's funeral.  I hope that he comes back with care for me and not poison.  I hope that I will restore and care and enjoy while he is away. 

[Larry]

   hugs and sunshine for you