Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Larry, 
.........

I think I am slowly on the mend but still sick.  I am grateful for not having many demands right now.  Mondays are my yoga training and I decided I will skip it today in favor of resting.  That decision is triggering me some but I think rest will be key (and I know my yoga training would support me in that). 

Today I re-read the chapter on Emotional Flasbacks in Pete Walker's book.  In reading, I realized that I have been in a rather extended flashback.  My inner and outer critics have been in control.  And I am realizing I am at a point where I see that currently my triggers are more internal. 

Once I left that job and all the external things that have been a problem are less and less, I see that it is time to face what is inside in a different way.  I'm not exactly sure where this will take me, but it is interesting. 

My flashback is really showing itself when I attempt to engage in finding another job.  I am hoping to find a remote position for the time being.  I don't necessarily want to do that as I find my work hard to do in that manner...but not being tied to a location will be helpful as we prepare to move. 

The company I briefly was in contact with last week has made me feel uncomfortable.  They are pushy and I don't think I will be able to find a remote position with them.  I contacted another company today and they seem a little more my speed.  I still have a lot of worries however I hope to tackle them bit by bit. 

[Larry]

hope you get some rest today ,  it's nice that you recognise what you need and take care of yourself.

[sanmagic7]

hey rainy,

i'm glad for you to be able to choose rest for yourself. 

i've found, also, when i'm low on outside triggers, the inner triggers are able to show their faces more frequently and intensely.

best to you with the job search.  very cool you were able to recognize something that is not a good fit and can move on to something else.  well done!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you.  I appreciate the support.
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San, thank you.  I think I am somewhat surprised to be reminded that internal things can be a trigger.  I've been so focused on what is outside of me.  The time has come to consider the inside too.
.........

I am realizing today is going to be a real test.

My husband is leaving for his hometown tomorrow.  I am really upset that he is going.  The upset has a lot of sources.

I am trying to be curious what this is calling up from my past.  I am not sure.  The only things coming up are past events that he and I share that I still am coming to terms with. 

It's hard for me to not judge him.  I do not understand why he continues to play out these routines and dynamics with his family.  It makes me so upset with him. 

And then with myself.  At these times I ask myself why of all the people in the world I was drawn to this person whose family is so difficult for me to be a part of.  It then turns into how I am so messed up that I had to be in a messed up situation. 

I am noticing that the way I feel means I am most likely in an emotional flashback.  I'm not sure what I am needing to grieve or if I even can today.  I still don't feel my best although I think my cold is healing.  I
Plus it is just simply too much this time of year in general. 

[sanmagic7]

by your side, rainy, as you navigate some of these turbulent waters.  it's not easy, for sure.  sounds like there is so much to get thru.  sending love and a hug filled with support

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for being here with me.
..........
I am feeling a lot of frustration simmering inside.  I haven't been outright rude to my husband but I definitely want to say a lot of things I know I will regret and won't make me feel better.

As I sat reflecting, I noticed that flashes of horrible times in my upbringing and my adulthood were coming up that involved my parents.  I realized that these moments all seem to have a common thread of fear.  My parents were afraid of something and their response was to act the ways they did that made me feel unsafe, unwelcome, broken. 

And now I am reacting to the fear I feel with my husband in the same way.  I acknowledge that I am responding to things he is doing/saying with old feelings instead of present ones.  And I also don't want to react to him in this way. 

I'm not sure how I will navigate the rest of this day or tomorrow when he leaves.  I am trying to remind myself that it is better that I am not going...and yet trust is such an issue here.  Trust in myself and in him. 

[sanmagic7]

ugly stuff, rainy.  i hear you about wanting to say things that may not be in anyone's best interest.  perhaps you could write them down, get them out of you, see what they look like in black and white?  writing has often helped clear nasty thoughts away for me, or i can at least have some peace by getting them out of my head.  if that's not helpful, please ignore.  it can be difficult to get ourselves out of the past and into the present in the manner you indicated, cuz that dang past keeps pulling us back to it.  still here with you.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

rainydiary, I appreciate the amount you are able to reflect on what's going on for you atm with your h and also with your feelings.

Yesterday I was reading some of my old Recovery Letters and then I started reading yours. They didn't have many responses, I guess I didn't feel up to responding to them when you wrote them. I was particularly moved by your letter to your 1st Grade self. Possibly Letters of Recovery would be a place to express those things you don't think would be helpful to express directly to your h?

However you decide atm, I'm standing with you. 

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I often do write down the thoughts in my written journals.  I am caught off guard by how my critic is evolving as well as how I think I am into some deeper work.  I am noticing my go to distraction is often to be extra critical of my husband and his family seems to provide plenty of reason for calling my criticism this time of year.  I appreciate your suggestions and support.
.....
Blueberry, thank you for this idea and the call back to those letters.  I have been thinking of the picture that letter referenced.  I'm not sure why but I feel called to write out a timeline of my life.  Some of what I realized earlier is I am afraid I am no better than my in-laws and afraid of my husband's absence.  I have done a lot of work to reduce my codependency but at times it comes up. 
.........
I am feeling a bit better for now.  I had a haircut and an email exchange with my student.  I feel like I should find a way to refer to her here as I hope that she will stay in touch.  I think I will call her Brave One as that is the impression she gave me from the day I met her. 

My hairdresser is such a helpful in my life.  She is a comfort and I have learned some helpful things about consent and being trauma informed from her.  It was helpful to see her and to have a haircut.  I feel a bit lighter. 

The email exchange with Brave One was just what I needed today.  It was a good back and forth and genuine.  It sounds like she is a good place right now which makes me happy to hear.  I worry she feels like she has to say she is good even if she isn't but I remind myself that a few weeks ago she shared about a difficult teacher situation she is facing.  I feel the limitations of an email correspondence but I also want to be mindful of boundaries with an underage person. 

I think sometimes I put pressure on myself in interactions with her as she is a person with a trauma history and I want to be a support for her.  I don't get to choose if that is my role in her life.  I just try to let her know I am here and I care about what she has to say. 

I have been reminding myself that caring words I would say to Brave One are words I can also say to my Little One(s).  I give Brave One and other students I know more patience and understanding than I give myself. 

For now I think I am out of my EF.  Another one or series of ones might start back up, so I will try to rest in this feeling for a bit. 

[Snowdrop]

You come across as such a caring person, Rainy. I feel your care towards Brave One.

I have been reminding myself that caring words I would say to Brave One are words I can also say to my Little One(s).

My Little Ones felt soothed when I read this. I hope yours are too.

[Armee]

You do have really good insights and deep care, Rainy. Sending virtual, safe hugs to Brave One and Little One. It's important that kids have safe trusted people to turn to. Thank you for being one of those people for Brave One.

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop, thank you.   
My Little Ones are ok right now but maybe feeling a bit on edge this morning.  I appreciate your support.
......
Armee, thank you. I wish I could hold onto the insights and things I uncover and not immediately see danger.  I appreciate your support.
..........

My husband has left for his trip.  The house feels quiet.  I will be ok for a while but will likely feel his absence more as the evening falls.  I am still upset he is doing this but it is in motion now and I'll see him on Monday. 

I am a naturally curious person and have lots to pursue and do.  I have my cat and my home which brings comfort.  I am feeling a little better today from my cold. 

I hope to cherish this time with myself and keep my tendency toward seeing danger to a minimum.  But I will also try to love myself when my mind goes there. 

[Larry]

good to hear your cold is better !

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you.  I am feeling better and better.  I am trying to decide if I should swim tomorrow or not.  I think it would be best to wait another day just in case.
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San, thank you. 
.........

Today has overall felt ok.  I am feeling better and followed my own desires and interests and to dos today.  Of course there is lingering, underlying stuff my critic loves to bring up.

As I get closer to bed, I find myself disgruntled with my husband.  I know it is a way to cope with him not being here.  As usual, there are things going on I cannot understand or support.  I am trying to remind myself that it is progress that we have come to this understanding that it is best if he goes and I stay home.  It scares me how lost in enmeshment he gets when he is with his family.  My instinct is to keep him away from it and it's hard because that isn't what he always wants.

I'm having a difficult time being loving toward my body.  After my long run I trained for and stopping my job, I haven't been as active and am gaining weight.  Not only does society put a lot on people in those areas but my family wasn't great either.  I am remembering that I can make adjustments and move more and also find a routine that works for me now.  This will be a process as I can feel panic inside of myself as I feel the additional weight on my body.

Since my husband isn't here, I took the opportunity to go through and clear out and organize and pack up my work stuff in our shared office.  I noticed a lot of emotion come up especially about my last job.  I can't get over how badly they acted and how I didn't get to use my words to stand up for myself in the way I want.  It's hard to accept that no matter what I could have said or did, they would have turned it around on me.  I spoke to a recruiter today and hope to find a remote job.  I will have a lot to work through and today was a positive step. 

I have had weird dreams this week and I hope my mind settles more tonight in my sleep.