Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate the support. 

The weather is very gray today - the snow hasn't been as much as predicted (yet).  I am finding myself really impacted by the gray outdoors today.  I feel low and run down.  Also dreading the time change tomorrow. 

I've been trying to give myself permission to relax.  I feel this deep compulsion to do and prove and validate my worth.  I'm still really bothered by my friend in Arizona sending me the message she did.  I can't bring myself to read it again.  It is possible there is wisdom in it - she is generally very supportive and helpful to me.  But this was unsolicited and feels not validating of me.  I perceive I'm being told what I should do and feeling judged for how I am doing.  I think I am feeling weird because I responded to her that I received her message but didn't say anything else and she hasn't acknowledged that.  I don't even know what to say.  I would like to feel ok with how I am choosing to respond but right now I don't. 

Today I heard the idea that loneliness is a message that we are ready for something else.  I don't know if the concept of loneliness really captures how I feel but I do think I am ready to continue making positive change in my life.  I'm not sure where I am headed.  Hopefully to the fullest expression of myself.

[Not Alone]

I have had experiences, also, where friends' responses didn't feel helpful or supportive. From what you stated, this friend has been supportive in the past. I hear your distress over this situation.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, I appreciate you sharing this.  I'm still struggling with this - I am deciding to not force and give myself time.

I started reading a book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.  It is a book about sexuality and I decided to read it because I struggle a great deal with sex.  While the book is focused on sex, it also covers topics I am familiar with (especially how our brain responds to stress and trauma) in a different way.  I have to take reading it slow but am finding a lot of value in reading. 

Something I read today really stuck with me.  Emily wrote "Self-criticism is the emotional One Ring equivalent of treating yourself as your own internal lion, experiencing yourself as a threat that needs to be escaped, conquered, or avoided through shutdown."  She talks too about through self-criticism we reinjure ourselves over and over and over. 

I found this so compelling.  While I think I am more aware of myself, I tend to focus on the impact of others on my thinking.  Maybe I wasn't ready until now to consider how my thoughts and patterns are hurting me.  Framing this as "I am triggering my flight and fight response" helps me a great deal. 

I am still processing what I have read.  The main thing I am taking away from this right now is the idea that I have a lot of unchosen beliefs and I get to decide if I do or do not believe those things. 

[Jazzy]

It is understandable to struggle with this. I hear that it is difficult for you, but I also see a lot of strength in your writing as well. It is wise not to force yourself when you are not ready.

'Framing this as "I am triggering my flight and fight response"'   I think this is a really big step forward. Good for you! 

I really appreciate your writing, and find a lot of wisdom and insight in it. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I hope things go well with you deciding to accept your unchosen beliefs or reject them. That is also a tremendous thing, and can be a really long, difficult, intensive process.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate your words and support. 

Today didn't start off so well.  I am tired from the time change in the US.  During my morning run, it is now dark again.  There were a lot of ice spots.  I slipped on some ice and hit the street hard.  I decided to end my run early because it hadn't been easy going to go that point and I didn't want to get more injured. 

Falling and not carrying out a plan are deeply triggering for me.  I cried a little this morning to release feelings and have tried all day to remind myself I am safe.  My leg got pretty scraped up by the road and is sore but otherwise I am fine. 

I didn't feel very connected with others at work.  I established a boundary with a person I really struggle with.  I can see in her eyes she is tallying up all of the things I'm not doing in her estimation.  Before I wouldn't have noticed her doing this.  I will be ready for when she loses it with me.  I have grown enough to see that it is about her (even if it still triggers me a bit).

I am feeling ok.  I've spent most of the day telling myself I am safe.  Evenings tend to be difficult as relaxing produces anxiety in me. 

[rainydiary]

I am feeling extremely drained today.   Nothing in particular, just tired. 

I feel like a stew with lots of things simmering and working out. 

I am still struggling with the comments my friend sent me last week.  I feel like the dynamic of our relationship has changed.  I am trying to decide if I want to share with her why her message was so unwelcome but I'm not sure.

I'm seeing how I have a disorganized attachment style and both want but push away connections.  I am feeling especially lonely these days.  I tend to focus on the people not connecting with me and miss the ones that do.  I do connect with people but get stuck being fixated on the people that make me feel small.  There is still this part of me that feels like I need to make it up to people. 

My body is still very sore from where I fell.  I realized that the complete lack of control I feel when I fall is deeply triggering.  I realize how hard I work (not always intentionally) to maintain control in my life. 

I feel like gaslighting is going on in my workplace.  School and education has been functioning differently and now that my school has returned back with all students, it just feels like the past year is trying to be swept under the rug (when this pandemic isn't really over). 

I am just very tired.  Waiting for dinner to be done.  I tried a new recipe and am worried it won't taste good. 

Just in a low place today.

[rainydiary]

I wrote that last post while hungry and it is interesting how much better I feel after eating and having some down time.

I am still tired and sore but also trying to remember that I am safe and have made it.  I recently heard the idea of telling your younger self "You made it" which I find helpful. 

My husband has been expressing a desire to do more around the house.  I am having trouble giving up control.  He offered to make some of the recipes he really enjoys.  I would like to allow that and to give up all the control.  I do wonder if I make him feel like a child because I do all the bulk of household work.  I do wonder if I trigger the weird way his mom treats him which makes him feel like he isn't good enough so he avoids closeness and vulnerability.  He is telling me he wants to do these things and I want to let him. 

I am grateful for being able to feel some relaxation at night instead of perpetuating my anxious thoughts. 

I hope to sleep better tonight than I did last night. 

[rainydiary]

This morning I decided to send a message to my friend.  If she is really my friend, I want to trust that I can tell her that what she said didn't land well with me and that she is missing part of the story. 

I think what I said to her is authentic to my experience.  I think it is growth for me to respond and reflect back instead of avoiding and pretending like I am not thinking about this every day and feeling low. 

I hope this day goes smoothly. 

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you made a wise choice.  I think being authentic is the right move, and I hope your friend is understanding and respectful in return.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Jazzy.  She acknowledged my message with an emoji but hasn't said anything back.  It is weird.  I am getting the feeling her perspective is that I'm too negative and worry too much about others.  I am realizing that she has more of a parental approach with me.  We aren't seeing eye to eye right now. 

I have next week off work.  My husband and I are going on a road trip to some national parks in our state.  I am looking forward to seeing new parts of our state but am also aware of how anxious I get when leaving home. 

I get really anxious on trips.  I hate leaving my cat (even though I have someone come check on my cat, I still worry about her).  I hate leaving my comfort at home.  I hate eating new things.  I hate how I can't distract myself with my usual things when I'm not at home (I'm not sure this is actually a bad thing but it is part of the equation).  My husband and I usually get into conflict because we trigger the heck out of each other.  We both bring a lot of family history and trauma to travel but have also had our own trauma while traveling.  We also have different ideas of what relaxing and vacation means and that comes to a head on trips. 

Progress is that I am acknowledging this before leaving.  Right now the only thing that consistently helps me is yoga so I plan to bring my yoga mat.  I plan to watch my thinking and remind myself that I am safe.  I will also try to talk with my husband when it gets difficult. 

I have time to prepare tomorrow and have a day of rest at home before we head out. 

[woodsgnome]

Just sending hopes for a peaceful, edifying trip. May you return refreshed.

Hope it's alright to offer this  for a safe trip.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Woodsgnome, it is much appreciated.

Today is preparation day for our trip and I am already anxious.  I shared with my husband that this is the case.  Instead of ignoring me saying that, he asked why I am anxious (which I greatly appreciated).  We then had a conversation that leads me to believe he doesn't particularly enjoy these trips any more than I do. 

So I wonder why we go.  I think the baggage he brings from his FOO is at play.  I hope he and I can work toward trips that work for us instead of him carrying out some weird version of "vacation" that his FOO instilled. 

I suppose we are off to an ok start in that we are talking. 

[Jazzy]

I understand you feeling anxious about the trip. It's connected to a lot of things, as you've said. It's really great that you were able to have that conversation with your husband. It isn't always the best approach to push, but maybe you two can talk about more things in time? It sounds like you both love each other, even if you both have difficulties from the past. That's a really nice thing to read.

I hope the trip goes as well as it can, and that you can cope with things with your self-care. I'll be thinking of you while you're gone.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate your words of support. 

Our trip has started.  We made it to our first town.  On the journey here my anxiety kicked in.  First I noticed that my throat was sore and I began to imagine I was having an allergic reaction to something and was running through a list of things that it could be.  Then I couldn't remember if I took my vitamins this morning or if I left them on my side table.  I began to worry my cat would eat them and that the pet sitter would find her in distress tomorrow. 

I tried reminding myself that I am safe and that so is my cat.  If she isn't then I will deal with that if it is needed.  A lot of my physical symptoms were also related to frequent changes in elevation and temperature as we traveled through the mountains. 

I think it will be important to accept that I will have moments of feeling ok and a lot of not.  Hopefully in time I'll be able to swap that where I feel on more of the time.  It isn't even 6 pm and I just want to sleep. 

[rainydiary]

I made it through the first night and am ok.  My petsitter sent me photos of my cat and she is ok.  I don't sleep well when away from home and last night followed that pattern. 

My husband and I have had a low key, enjoyable day so far.  We've had some good meals and taken the day slow. 

We went to visit a national park and it was so foggy and cold.  We couldn't see the canyon we came to see due to the fog.  He kept making comments about it and I was finding myself getting defensive because I planned this trip.  I reminded myself I could still enjoy the experience and did so.

He eluded to something that I keep hoping won't happen.  I think my in-laws are planning to visit in about 2 months.  I dread their visits.  I would be content to never see them again in my life.  I feel worse when I am around them. 

Usually thinking about them ruins my day.  I am trying to not get stuck in old thought patterns about them. 

I am still counting down the time until I can go home.  But for now I am ok.

Right