Rainy Diary 2021

Larry · November 18, 2021, 03:56:07 AM

I hope you sleep well. you know i am not good at saying supportive things. just know i am thinking of you and want to support you if i can.

Armee · November 18, 2021, 05:09:53 AM

Sending you lots of support as you navigate this really hard time. I'm also going to stand up to your icr here who is saying you didn't speak up at work. You did. You did and you left. You really advocated both for yourself and students and colleagues in doing that

sanmagic7 · November 18, 2021, 03:18:22 PM

i agree with armee about saying exactly what needed to be said by putting in your resignation. as you mentioned, anything else you might have said could have and probably would have been turned around and used against you. sometimes, i've found, the best thing i can say is nothing. instead, i let my actions speak for me. those kinds of people play word games and they make the rules. we don't have a chance of winning. by leaving, you said exactly the right thing and they didn't have a chance to turn it on you. well done, rainy!

ah, yes, society and body shape. it's so so nasty. may i say, if you're in grieving mode your being less active may be a response to that. grieving is messy, and we're messy while we're going thru it. i don't know if you're grieving, but if you are, i hope you can be particularly gentle with yourself, and know that this phase will pass. you are still cared about no matter what size or shape you are. love and hugs, rainy

Larry · November 18, 2021, 06:30:58 PM

Not Alone · November 19, 2021, 12:02:42 AM

There were times when you did stand up for yourself at work. There were also times where it was healthy self-protection to not pursue an issue. Sadly, many of your co-workers were unable or unwilling to listen to what you said and/or own their stuff. It was a bad situation. You navigated it the best that you could.

dollyvee · November 19, 2021, 01:35:16 PM

HI rainy,

I hope you're finding some rest dealing with everything right now. It sounds like you've made some good insights about your inner critic and how it pops up in your relationship with your husband.

You definitely deserve to give yourself patience and understanding too.

dolly

rainydiary · November 20, 2021, 12:48:48 AM

Thank you all for reading and offering support and validation. I think my cold is gone. I have definitely been in grief. I often wonder if I will ever not be in grief. My sleep is relatively ok though my dreams keep it from feeling refreshing.

..........
I suppose I have been enjoying time to myself the past few days.

It's been nice to follow my natural inclinations and routines.

Today I spent some time thinking and planning for the business I hope to create.

I am also looking forward to traveling next week.

I feel emotion underneath the surface that I'm not quite sure what it is. I think looking toward the future is scaring me so my critic is trying to maintain control.

Larry · November 20, 2021, 01:24:28 AM

glad to hear your cold is gone ! i hope you get some sleep tonight

dollyvee · November 20, 2021, 09:51:06 AM

Hi rainy,

Glad you're feeling better and more relaxed after your time with the ils. You made it through

dolly

rainydiary · November 21, 2021, 01:12:27 AM

Larry, thank you for the well wishes.

.....
Dolly, I appreciate the support.

.........

Earlier today I was reflecting on my timeline. I noticed that as I was writing out my years, I first thought of big events mostly moves my family made. Other big events (some good, some not so good) also came to mind.

It also made me sad. There are years where I don't have a clear picture of what was going on. I don't even really know where I lived when I was little. Even in my memory I have trouble remembering exactly where I was when.

This helped me see that in addition to not having caregivers, I also stood on shaky ground because I had no idea where I was. We moved so much and I never had the opportunity to figure anything out. I had a role I was playing which was mostly about survival.

I was also reflecting on how important grieving is. I'm not sure what I have reflected, but that was also on my mind.

sanmagic7 · November 21, 2021, 06:30:18 AM

Armee · November 21, 2021, 05:39:29 PM

I'm here and reading. I want to say on the abandonment thread what you wrote about struck me as exceptionally painful. Not just the moving but how your father treated you.

rainydiary · November 22, 2021, 03:03:52 AM

San, thank you. I appreciate the comfort.
.....
Armee, I appreciate you noticing that. I honestly cannot comprehend what made him do things like that. It gives me so much awareness of why asking for help or sharing about myself is so scary. I'm trying to comfort my younger selves and my current self as I know that if conditions are just right, my parents will continue their abuse. That is a hurtful realization. I haven't told them I quit my job as I know they will flip out and I don't need it.
.........
I am reflecting that this week I will be going to visit my intended new state. I am amazed at how many weeks have gone by since I quit my job - we've been waiting for this trip to take more steps toward moving.

I am excited to go but I am also afraid.

One reason I am afraid is that I hate leaving my cat. I am always afraid something will happen to her while I am away. The truth is something could happen to her while I am here. She has a good pet sitter and I know she will just sleep most of the time. I also don't want to talk to my husband too much about it as he thinks I care I more about her than him (that is definitely a thought he had from an EF).

Another reason I'm afraid is that traveling tends to be times of tension between my husband and I. I think our differences in how we want to spend time tend to be harder to navigate when we are away from home. I think we both resort to being too much like our FOOs and not being ourselves.

This week I hope to be present and responsive to what is happening in the present even if it is fear. I hope to be kind to myself when I start to feel homesick. I hope to take care of myself when I feel low. I hope to see and touch the ocean. I hope to let myself feel good.

I'm not sure how often I'll check in this week. I appreciate all of you and am grateful for your support.

dollyvee · November 22, 2021, 11:56:08 AM

rainydiary · November 22, 2021, 02:30:57 PM

Dolly,

..........

In the midst of an EF this morning. I felt ok when I got up and while I was riding my bike, I felt it.

I'm stressing over "what caused it." There isn't a clear cause.

I'm stressing over "what am I flashing back to." I don't know.

I did cry a little when I felt to the depth of being abandoned and afraid.