Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Thank you Notalone.  Sometimes it takes me a while to know myself and I wasn't picking up on how another work transition is a tremendous trigger for me.  I've been trying to sit with it today and while I am still in my EF, I am at least aware now.  I definitely see the ways my body has armored in an attempt to protect me.

This morning has been intense and I am crying as I write this with more tears needing out.  I read a passage in one of Brene Brown's books where she references work by Dr. Uram (I can't recall the first name).  Dr. Uram has a way of talking about "remembering the wound" versus "being the wound."  For some reason that strikes me so much.  I am often my wounds.  Brene Brown also provides a definition of trauma from Dr. Uram that inclusive of big and "quiet" traumas and acknowledges that things from our childhoods that felt out of our control can be traumatic.  This is so validating to me and this passage really summarized all I have been learning over the past year.

Yet it doesn't make the experience of living this way easier.  I am crying because I feel ashamed of how I view my marriage and for the struggles I experience.  My inner critic often tells me that if I was healthier I wouldn't have a partner who is enmeshed with their family.  And yet I see that without him I am not sure if I would have gotten to the place where I am. 

My husband and his sister had a fight this morning.  Their fight triggers many wounds for me.  Mostly I want him to realize that he doesn't have to do the things his sister wants him to do.  Normally I would stay out of his way but today I tried to consider how I would feel in that moment.  If I was suffering, I would want my husband to reach out.  So I went to where he was and asked how I could help.  He vented for a bit.  I've been trying to show him curiosity of his experiences instead of adding judgment.  I hope this will help move us in a different direction. 

*sigh*

[rainydiary]

This morning I am reflecting on how difficult reaching out and speaking my truth can be. 

I often feel uneasy by how others respond (or don't respond) and sometimes it makes me feel like I should have stayed silent.  This absolutely has a lot of root in being a little one whose needs were not met. 

It feels like so much work to stay present with myself and my feelings.  I think I put pressure on myself to "figure it out" and get to a point where I never make mistakes in caring for myself....but that is not realistic. 

I hope this week I can continue to be gentle with myself. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, it's good to hear from you again! Welcome back! I hope you've been well. I look forward to reading your posts.

[rainydiary]

Hi Buddy, I'm glad to hear from you!

As this Sunday has progressed I have been really up and down.  I am noticing more hypervigilance than I've experienced in a while.  I have moments where I am ok but dread keeps creeping in. 

The things that I think are eating away at the most are my interactions with colleagues and the constant shifting from being in school and being sent home to work. 

I discovered a problem at work on Friday and sent an email to the people involved.  I am worried the email was too aggressive and will only lead to more problems.  I also worry that as I try to build my relationship with colleagues that I insert myself in conversations that I shouldn't.  All weekend difficult moments with colleagues have come to mind - their faces when I react in a way that doesn't make sense to them leaves me feeling so icky. 

Since August, I've been told to be at work and sent home with drastic shifts in how I work about every 2-3 months.  It is exhausting.  We are returning to in person learning tomorrow and all I can think is how long until we are sent home again.  The uncertainty and the lack of empathy received from our leadership is extremely overwhelming. 

I am definitely experiencing shame in my work.  I want to prove to everyone that I am extremely good at my job.  I struggle so much to appear calm on the outside when inside I am often just trying to hold it together.  It is useful to me to remind myself that I don't have to prove my worth. 

I had gotten to a place a few weeks ago where I wasn't so overwhelmed but it has cranked up as the changes keep rolling in.  I hope to find my way back to that place. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

I made it through my workday and the things I was especially anxious about ended up not being as big of deals as I had made them out to be. 

Today I am trying to keep in mind that I have 16 Mondays left until summer vacation from work.  Work does not have to feel a certain way.  When people asked me how I am today I was honest without oversharing.  I noticed how stressed I was being around so many people. 

I listened to a podcast today about the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski.  I hope to read that book as their framing of emotions seems interesting.

I am exhausted today.  I am hoping to be gentle with myself and rest this evening. 

[Alter-eg0]

I'm glad to hear you made it through alright

It's tough sometimes to get your bearings back when theres so much going on. It's like every time your feet touch the ground, the ground disappears again.

Take care of yourself!

[rainydiary]

Alter-eg0 - I appreciate the encouragement.  I like the image of the ground being there and then not - that really captures how it's felt. 

My work day started with an early meeting where I felt useless and not heard.  I think I want to be this valuable resource for students and most don't see me that way.  I also had this plan of beautiful things I wanted to say at the meeting and the words that came out didn't feel as impactful.  I began to feel agitated during the meeting and realized I had left my fidget at home that has brought me some comfort.  This meeting set a low tone for my day.  I tried connecting with folks about not feeling ok but it didn't help today. 

I got home and did my best to let the day go.  I talked with my husband some about how I am feeling, did yoga, and tried to keep things low key.  I found myself calming more and tried to reflect on my day.  I had this aim to be gentle with myself this month.  It occurred to me that I am gentle with myself at home but not at work.  I have all of these systems and things I intend to do.  My best laid plans are often thwarted.  I try so hard and give so much. 

In many ways I think I try so hard to prove to everyone I am worthy and good and not broken.  I'm not as good at taking care of myself at work because there is so much I can't control.  There is also this weird pressure to always appear calm on the outside when inside it is messier.  I am noticing that things I do to cope at work might make me dissociate until I can get home. 

I am curious to see how I could be gentle with myself at work.  Tomorrow will be a lower key day and most of my colleagues will work at home.  I do feel somewhat discouraged because I continue to unravel the layers of my experience and find more and more and more of what leads me to experience EFs.  It makes me wonder if I will ever be ok anywhere. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I'm sorry to hear you had a tough day at work. I hear you and can relate.

For what it's worth it seems like you really are starting to get the tools in place to cope with work better. You appear to be dealing with work miles ahead compared to what you discussed in the spring. I guess my point is even though you are less gentle on yourself at work, I feel like progress is being made   

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I appreciate you commenting and offering perspective for me.  I do feel very different now than I did a year ago. 

Today was a relatively chill day.  It was too cold and snowy to run outdoors so I rode my indoor bicycle.  Most of my colleagues worked at home so I had more quiet and less stimulation at work which helped.  My husband also took care of getting dinner prepared which was nice too. 

Something I am wondering about is if as I continue to heal I will try to keep myself worked up to feel like I am used to feeling.  It still doesn't feel fully safe to feel good. 

[rainydiary]

I'm out of sorts today.  Nothing in particular wrong just worn out. 

Last night after I posted on the forum, I picked a fight with myself.  I began thinking about my in-laws.  I am worried they will be visiting in a few months and just the thought of that is enough to set me off.  I would be perfectly fine never seeing them again.  It makes me wonder how I will handle the future of my marriage when I cannot stand the presence of my husband's family and he feels very differently than I do.

I feel low in general at work.  Much of it is because it has triggered toxic core beliefs I hold about myself and it has been especially bad.  But also because it feels like my employer expects us to move on and act like there is no more virus.  I don't exactly feel unsafe at work but I also don't think now is the time to relax about the virus. 

I must also acknowledge that even people telling me they are healing in me is difficult.  I did have a coworker validate my experience yesterday.  In many ways those positive words even trigger my core belief that I am not worth it. 

[Alter-eg0]

Something I am wondering about is if as I continue to heal I will try to keep myself worked up to feel like I am used to feeling.  It still doesn't feel fully safe to feel good.

That makes a lot of sense, Rainydaiary. There's a safety in not feeling good. Like a cave that you can hide in.
I personally believe that doing that, has a function. And you'll keep doing it as long as you still need to, until there comes a day when you've learned better tools and you just don't need it anymore. And even then, there might be times when you decide to get back into the cave for a bit, if you need to. Which is fine.
I also don't think you need to "unlearn" that response; it's more about learning other, better tools alongside it. Extra tools in the toolchest, if you will.
You'll always sunconciously pick the one best fit to deal with the situation you're in.

You're doing a good job, one step at a time. The up's and downs are all part of the process.

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0 - I appreciate that reminder.  I am seeing how I am now in a place I haven't been before.  I need to make a new way forward and in the meantime healing is still occurring as well as life and my feelings are ever present.  It also hurts to acknowledge that when I was growing up no feelings were safe - I was either too sad or too happy or too whatever so I learned to constantly analyze and self monitor and try to be perfect and try to be pleasing to others.  I am overall more accepting of myself and my feelings with still more work to do.

The past few days have been ok.  I've been able to feel good even though things still feel difficult and complicated.  I tried some new recipes this weekend and was proud of carrying them out.  I also was able to connect with some folks in my network which was pleasant. 

As I get ready to start another work week, I am noticing how much effort I have put into managing my trauma responses at work.  I think I have done this because work is a huge part of my week and I couldn't keep job hopping like I have been.  Also, in many ways I think it feels "safer" to me to try out strategies with people that I'm not as emotionally connected to. 

I notice that I am in a place where I need my relationship to my husband to be different.   I read something over the weekend that said something like "if you received emotional unavailability from your family growing up, you may seek emotional unavailability in relationships."   My husband can be emotionally responsive to me but most often is not.  He has been trying to help me out around the house more and I notice that he seems to take time for himself to do things important to him in a way he hasn't before.  Yet I see him as a trauma survivor that doesn't know it.  He prefers to expresshis feelings for me primarily through sex which is often difficult for me because we can go for so long without speaking to each other in a meaningful way that I struggle to engage. 

My observation is that because he is enmeshed with his FOO he doesn't always have the tools or knowledge to participate in conversations that make a partnership stronger.  I make a lot of excuses about this and I often spend a lot of energy being mad at my in-laws when it is really my husband I am upset with. 

I have been trying to adjust my behavior.  If I am honest, I don't always try to talk to him first.  I expect him to be more available or to know I need to talk.  I see times where I could have put myself out there and initiated a conversation.  I think I hesitate because most often in the past when I have tried he replies so vague and "doesn't know" or is really busy with whatever he is doing. 

I also am noticing deep down how I might hold back because I expect him to be another person that abandons me.  I am afraid that he is deeply unhappy with me and not willing to express that and find what will make him happy.  I am trying really hard to be myself and do what I think is right.  I want him to be my partner but I know I have changed so much in ways he doesn't understand.  When we met we were both emotionally in similar places but now I understand myself so much more and it makes his behavior so much more hurtful. 

I plan to continue to try my best to put out there what I need and to ask for it.  I haven't ever been able to accept his relationship to his FOO and am feeling less sure how to continue to deal with it.  It hurts me to see how they treat each other and how he does what they want often at the expense of our relationship. 

[dollyvee]

Sounds like you're making a lot of new insights Rainy and uncovering it is that you need 

[Alter-eg0]

That's a bunch of insight!
It's really valuable to not only see what you need from someone, and  also have insight into your own part in the matter. That gives you so much power and options. More than just waiting for something or someone to change, anyway. Nice going!