Rainy Diary 2021

[Not Alone]

It also hurts to acknowledge that when I was growing up no feelings were safe - I was either too sad or too happy or too whatever so I learned to constantly analyze and self monitor and try to be perfect and try to be pleasing to others.  I am overall more accepting of myself and my feelings with still more work to do.

Rainy Diary, I just want to affirm that your feelings are okay. I encourage you in you efforts to be more accepting of yourself and of what you are feeling.

I tried some new recipes this weekend and was proud of carrying them out.  I also was able to connect with some folks in my network which was pleasant. 

           

I relate to a lot of what you talked about in your marriage. I started writing more, but I don't want to take over with my own stuff. Also, what applies to my situation might not apply to yours. At any rate, you are not alone, I get the high level of pain and frustration.

[rainydiary]

Dollyvee, Alter-Eg0, Notalone - I appreciate the encouragement and support.  I appreciate the chance to say things here and know others can relate. 

Today I feel ok.  I am noticing my ability at work to establish boundaries and not freak out when others push against them.  I am having more positive connections with some of my colleagues.  I had a good run this morning and feel like my leg is healing.  I did my best to check in with my husband this morning when he got up earlier than I was expecting. 

I am seeing how because I felt so badly about myself I expect(ed) the worst in others.  I am still trying to sort out what is going on in my marriage.  Last year I wrote myself a letter of where I would be if I hadn't met my husband.  I think I may try to write another one of those.

This week I receive my 2nd dose of the COVID vaccine.  Several of my coworkers are as well and there is a lot of drama related to if we will have side effects. 

[rainydiary]

Today was surprisingly difficult.  Nothing major happened but as I reflect on my day there were a number of moments that pushed my buttons:

1) starting my workday working with my least favorite, gaslighting coworkers

2) having to work with a student at my desk where colleagues were speaking loudly because there were no private spaces for me to go to

3) a student cancelling our appointment because he needed to stay in class

4) a colleague pulling a student to work with when I was there to work with her

5) our principal being our office speaking loudly - I have not gotten over a conversation I had with her in October where she gaslighted me and basically told me I am not friendly

6) unintentionally spoke about a student with a colleague while the student was standing behind me

7) just generally feeling anxious about how my body will react to the vaccine tomorrow

coming home to see the dishes undone and my husband commenting how he doesn't like my plan for dinner

9) having a temper tantrum after my husband said that where I verbally processed my day but deep down feel mad at myself for not being able to find the words I want to say to my husband about our relationship

With most of these moments, I am seeing how I don't take time in my day to process what I feel.  I have a difficult feeling and I push it down in order to get through the day.  As I push them down, stories I tell myself about not being important or valued come up which results in me not being as ready to handle what comes my way.

I hope to try finding a way to express my feelings in moments.  I notice that it is moments where something I wasn't fully expecting happens.  I don't have the same problem always with planned things.  Today was a lot of unplanned stuff that got under my skin. 

[Alter-eg0]

Sounds like the bucket overfloweth :|

Take care, and good luck tomorrow!

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0 - that is a good description.  My bucket has been flooding out....

I had my second COVID vaccination and ended up not feeling well for the past two days.  My arm hurt like crazy and I went between chills and fever.  I tried to go back to work on the day after my vaccine and ended up going home early.  On Friday I woke up with a fever and decided to stay home.  My upbringing of "tough it out" made it so difficult for me to take that time for myself.  I slept a lot and am feeling much better today. 

Something that has been coming up of late is my history of sexual assaults.  I think that this is one of the few times I am actually acknowledging that my initial sexual experiences were assaults. 

I feel like I've been healing the wounds of childhood abuse and now I am finding that I need healing from things that came about as a result of being wounded from childhood.  I haven't been able to go too deeply into the assaults.  My stomach clenches when I think of it. 

A start is awareness.  I'm not as sure how to navigate through this. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I can relate to the tough it out mindset. I took a few mental health days off last week and it was very difficult for me to do so. But I'm glad to hear that you took time for yourself. I've heard that second dose is no joke for a lot of people.

As far as the sexual assaults, I'm sorry that happened to you and that you are starting to process those now. But it appears to me as a significant positive step in your healing. I'm sure you are not fully healed from the wounds of childhood but being in a place to begin addressing the next layer of wounds seems huge!

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I appreciate the reminders and support.

Today I notice:

How I unintentionally put my values on others because I want them to experience hope and confidence in who they are

How I am able to hold space for my students to be with difficult feelings while I see others moving away

That I see areas for healing but am moving through it with a gentleness I didn't have before

That I am fatigued from work and don't feel heard but that I am doing better at trying to make connections with trusted others when I am feeling that way

[rainydiary]

This morning I woke up with my shame triggered and my IC on my case.  It occurred to me that I am supposed to help a student with something that has never been my responsibility in the past so I didn't know I needed to do it.  There is time to finish and it isn't in the long run a big deal, but I was often punished growing up for not "knowing better." 

Other things this week that I think are contributing to my feelings:

I did a professional development course on trauma in neurodiverse people - any course I take on trauma while informative is also a bit triggering

I shared an idea I have with an administrator and feel exposed for putting it out there as most admin I talk to shoot down my ideas

I am changing my behavior at work.  I notice how many of my colleagues bond over gossip and I have gotten caught up in that.  I chose to not do that this week and it makes me feel better but very alone

I heard from a former colleague/friend this week.  I was glad to hear from her but it also brings up old feelings and thoughts

I am weary and fatigued from the amount of effort I put into everything I do

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, sorry you had a tough day. I can relate by the exhaustion, the amount of work that it takes to do something. Things being more difficult than they 'should' be.

I hope you find time to rest and recuperate.

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary,

I want to applaud you for your self-awareness.  Also a big cheer for deciding to stay out of the gossip. I hear how that can be aloning. You are walking the higher road. 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Buddy and Notalone.  It's funny that after I wrote this my day got more intense.  The amount of information I receive at work is often too much.  Part of me is not surprised by the news we received but most of me is not able to fully grasp what it means. The trauma of the pandemic continues and piles up on top of stuff I'm already struggling with. 

I am overall feeling ok but have had a difficult day with my husband.  I wanted to make a cake for Valentine's Day and it has blown up in my face.  I think I made too big deal out of the cake that my husband is triggered (his family is very abusive around holidays and expectations for holidays).  He is also avoidant in his attachment so instead of talking with me he has fallen asleep after acting cold and distant to me for a while.  I didn't mean to make it into such a big thing.  And now I just want to throw it in the trash after working so hard for hours.

I've been struggling with my connection to my husband.  I have noticed he seems to be having less contact with his family and I wonder if that accounts for how he has been acting.  He has been more argumentative with me (which is how his family interacts and it makes sense that if he isn't getting that out of his system with them it is going to come out at me).  I'm feeling a great deal of shame that I don't fully know what is going on with him.  We don't communicate very well about a number of things and I feel so sad and ashamed about that. 

I'm struggling because I've uncovered and healed so much for myself that I want him to have that experience and opportunity as well.  But that isn't within my control.  I'm having a hard time processing all of this in addition to processing our pandemic world. 

In times like this I have escape and rescue fantasies.  None of the fantasies are things I actually want or will act on, but I need a break.  I feel so bad at connecting with others that it feels like I would be better off on my own. 

[rainydiary]

Today I made a call with a colleague to Child Protective Services due to something a student wrote in an assignment I gave them.  I feel a kinship with this student because I know they experience emotional abuse. 

Making that call has left me feeling very exposed today.  I just spend some time crying about it.  Although I receive training about abuse and neglect as I am a mandatory reporter, I have often felt (and experienced) how difficult emotional abuse is to detect and support.  I know how it feels so I see it in students I work with.  But I wonder what will really help and if anyone besides those of us that work with the student will take action to support them. 

I haven't felt emotionally well this week in general and am not sure how to care for myself right now.  I do things that are "common" like sleeping enough, eating well, and exercising.  But right now those aren't enough. 

[rainydiary]

I'm taking a moment for a mini spa day at home and some things are coming up. 

Earlier today I had a text conversation with my dad.  I struggle to communicate with him and find myself keeping things surface.  He mentioned my mom is coming from my grandma's and that is has been a tough trip.  My grandmother has dementia and it is difficult.  I don't know all of my grandmother's story but I do know she experienced trauma and I don't think dealt with so now as her mind changes I am sure things are coming out that are unpleasant.

I have known for some time that my trauma was born of generational difficulties and the trauma experienced by my parents and their parents and on.  What I admire about my grandmother is that she moved herself out of her childhood home while she was in high school so that she could finish school (and to escape abuse - the part of the story that isn't directly told or acknowledged).  While I come from people that are not ok I also come from people with deep strength who did their best to make their lives better. 

Today I feel a lot of connection with my grandma.  I have never been particularly close to her as no one in my family is really close.  Something that always bothered me about her is how much she gave and gave up to be a wife and mother.  I watched her move to my grandfather's hometown where his whole family (pretty much) lives.  I saw how she didn't feel at ease and wasn't really welcomed by her in-laws.  I always felt sad for her. 

And now I see why I react so strongly to my relationship with my husband and my in-laws.  I don't want to be trapped like my grandma was in my perception.  My grandpa wasn't a bad person yet he definitely had his stuff and gender roles were very stereotypical.  I think they did the best they could - my mom and my aunts were first generation college students which is something.  But I think I carry this deep generational rage of "is this really all that is expected of a woman?"

I am noticing grief for my grandma.  Her body is alive but her mind isn't at all connected to her anymore.  I'm sorry for the pain she is feeling and for the pain my mom and aunts are enduring.  I have boundaries with it all but I am still a product of their lives. 

[rainydiary]

Today was a difficult day due to unexpected news.  A coworker of mine died unexpectedly over the weekend. 

As the day has progressed since I got that news I am feeling exhausted and sad.  This colleague was one of the only people who treated me with kindness my first year in my job. 

I have been feeling a sense of dread that something bad was going to happen and now it has.  The thought I had was that the stuff that really knocks you down is stuff you aren't expecting. 

This touches the part of me that has experienced great loss.  I started reading a book yesterday about loss and I think it made me especially raw today. 

I have lost so much and am so overwhelmed when loss occurs.  I hope sleep will help.  I cried a great deal today and did my best to care for myself. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I am sorry for your loss.