Rainy Diary 2021

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Rainy Diary. I hear your hurt. I'm glad you were able to care for yourself.

[buddy9832]

Rainy, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I'm sure it's been especially raw as this individual sounds like one of the good ones compared to your other colleagues. I do hope you are able to take care of yourself.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, Snowdrop, and Buddy -  thank you for your words of support.  Today I saw some people cleaning out our colleague's classroom and it made me sad.  It is tough because loss is this nerve that goes so deep inside of me. 

I am in an EF right now.  Today was just a series of small, irritating on their own things that added up to me feeling overwhelmed and ashamed I can't handle it all.  I also had some interactions with others where I left feeling like I should have said nothing. 

There is this constant lack of stability in my job that is eating away at me.  It is only 4:30 in the afternoon and I would like to go to bed. 

I am trying to notice the root, rotten core belief at the bottom of this EF.  I think it is that I should always be in control and am not allowed to show my emotions.  When I can't do that because it isn't human, I feel ashamed and my IC tells me I am dumb and incompetent and that others don't want me around. 

I will do my best to rest this evening. 

[rainydiary]

I'm having a difficult day emotionally.  A lot of memories are coming up and my IC is giving me a hard time.  I think I should pause soon and listen to those things coming up.

I woke up this morning feeling rested and learned that work was cancelled due to a snow day.  I couldn't process the information and cross checked the text I received with other sources.  I am realizing this is because when growing up there were a number of times my family didn't know it was a snow day, my mom brought me to school, and we were shamed for not knowing. 

I have this restless energy today.  I was not allowed to rest as a child and I feel extreme guilt that I have an unexpected day off.  It is also weird timing because I am so overwhelmed at work and this day does not feel like a break when there are deadlines looming.  But there is nothing I can accomplish today and that isn't my fault. 

This time of year is always difficult in my job and I think a lot of what is coming up are past jobs where I felt incompetent, like I was letting people down, and felt terrible for not being able to keep all the plates spinning.  I think deep down everyone knows I can't actually do it all, but it not spoken about.  So shame stays because I can't speak it.  Or if I try to speak it it comes out in a way that others find off putting and isn't really what the problem is.

I wish I could help others see the world from a place of survival.  It is painful and awful many days.  I am going to finish making the cookies I started and then spend some time checking in with myself. 

[rainydiary]

I've taken some time to check in with myself.

I see how I am not accepting of myself.  I know I have made growth and have experienced some healing.  Yet I am punishing myself for things and still repeating the mean things I was told growing up.  Lots of shoulds in my mind.  I catch myself doing things for others even if it makes me feel yucky. 

I am noticing that I am focusing on a different area of my body.  Before all I could focus on was my shoulders and upper back.  I often felt my younger self trapped in my right shoulder.  Now I think she is bringing attention to my hips/low back/stomach.  So much going on in these areas.  It is a little overwhelming.

I also acknowledged how I feel in my marriage right now.  I think I have been hiding from how I really feel for preservation of a time my brain is trying to trick me into thinking was simpler. 

Right now I feel a bit lighter. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy,

Your previous post about having a snow day, feeling restless and the guilt associated resonated with me. I
Can imagine that with the looming deadlines but not be able to work you've been itching just to do something.

It sounds like overall you were able to check in with yourself and be gentle. I hope that continues.

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I appreciate your response.  Today has been difficult and this helped a lot. 

I didn't recognize that I was in an EF on Wednesday and I sent an email to some senior colleagues expressing stress.  I spent all of my snow day regretting sending that email but expecting that my colleagues would check in.

I arrived to work today and they essentially ignored me.  It made me feel so small.  I felt like I'd said something nasty.  In truth I can appreciate that my colleagues are burned out and don't know what to say or do. But it feels mean. 

I am tired of self monitoring constantly and wondering if I am being "nice enough" or "happy enough" or "friendly enough."  It's like other people are telling me "keep your trauma in check because it makes me feel bad." 

This day was hard because things that got cancelled yesterday had to be made up today and it felt like 2 days in 1.  I had non stop meetings most of which made me question why I am even there. 

I hope sleep tonight will provide some relief.  But I feel incredibly alone.

[rainydiary]

My EF finally ended today.  As I reflect on this past week, I spent much of it in an EF. 

Today I had the image of my father yelling at me and using his size to intimidate me.  I realized that is what is where my EF - those times as a child where my dad especially was yelling.  I felt so confused and hurt - I couldn't understand what I had done wrong.  I felt rejected by the people that were supposed to care for me and I am still dealing with the consequences of their behavior.

I would say I haven't been kind to myself of late.  I also don't accept myself in many ways.  I hope to be mindful of this in the coming days.  I am not always sure how to show myself care and it is especially difficult when in an EF. 

As I have finally calmed my brain today, I have felt deeply exhausted which makes sense.  I hope to go easier on myself this week. 

[rainydiary]

Random stuff coming up today. 

I am completely overstimulated by work.  What is really getting to me is the music they have been blaring through the intercom during passing periods.  I have a sensitive nervous system and this pushes me over the edge each day.  I don't know how to handle it. 

I decided to have a small glass of wine and notice it relaxes me almost too far.  I came to a point where I start to feel alarm at the level of relaxation.  I am not much of a drinker and each time I drink alcohol these days I remember why.  It leaves me feeling out of control. 

I have also had some weird colleague interactions I'm not sure how to deal with.  I requested some information from a teacher and she basically refused and argued with me about why I needed the information.  It annoyed me because I have specialized training and it isn't her concern why I need certain information.  I have moments like this often (and have at every place I've worked).  It  chips away at me.

I also shared an observation about Coworker 2 to Coworker 1.  I said it from a place of frustration and when I was in an EF and regretted saying it as soon as it came out.  Coworker 1 is supposed to be someone I can bring challenges to but I'm worried she said something to Coworker 2.  He hasn't been acting the same toward me.  I could be wrong but I'm not sure I am.  Even though Coworker 1 is supposed to help, I know that I annoy her.  It would be mean if she did that. 

My husband and I planned a trip to see some National Parks in our state.  I am looking forward to it and hope we can go (weather this time of the year can be a surprise). 

For now I will try to enjoy my cat's snuggles.

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy I'm glad to hear you are out of your EF. I can relate to not being nice to yourself but I hope you were eventually able to.

I found it interesting you talking about being overstimulated at work and playing music over the intercoms. I vividly remember feeling on edge in the Navy when they would play music over the intercom. Your assessment kind of brought me back there. It's not pleasant.

Anyway I horn you up go easy on yourself and enjoy the outdoors!

[rainydiary]

Hi Buddy, thanks for your message.  Today I tried advocating about the music and shared that it is impacting my ability to do my job.  The message I received was "I hear your concern, can you go in a room with a door and close the door?"  No, because there are no sound proof rooms.  I find the lack of support when people say "this is bothering me" to be extremely hurtful. 

My chest has increasingly become tighter as the day has progressed.  Each day I go to work I am told more things I am expected to do.  Something has to give.  Right now what is giving is my ability to cope.  I am having trouble relaxing each evening because I have no clue what fresh * awaits tomorrow.  I also notice people talking to me like I am a child.  My job is one where it becomes a stop gap - I become whatever someone needs me to be in the moment...not a professional with an advanced degree and specialized training. 

I think I am feeling the most anxiety because I keep saying no.  I'm sure I'll go back on some of my nos but at this point I am being pushed too far and not heard.  No becomes the only word people hear.  But they don't like it. 

I think I have 12 more weeks to get through until a long break.  I hope I can feel less stressed but am not hopeful. 

[rainydiary]

I decided to try to go bed early (which isn't working) and a memory came up.

I remember being around 5 or 6 years old.  I had so much trouble sleeping and remember thinking "I will never feel good again." 

Right now I am crying as I think of that little one in such pain she couldn't understand with no one to talk to.  I am crying for myself now because in many ways I still feel the same. 

I hope that acknowledging this memory and connecting to that little me brings some peace.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate the comfort. 

I didn't sleep well last night after hearing the echo my little one.  It brought to mind more times where I struggled to sleep.  Mostly it made me sad that at such a young age I was filled with such emotion and difficulty. 

Today I felt compelled to speak with a coworker about how much I am struggling to not be living in almost all of my 4F responses at work.  She told me that if I hadn't told her I was struggling she wouldn't have known.  These types of conversations don't always work out but today it did.

I've felt compelled to bring more celebration to my life.  I have been making small plans for holidays, even if it is just a special meal.  I also bought an essential oil diffuser (which I never thought I would do but sometimes the scents can bring me calm when other things can't) and plan to use it to celebrate the upcoming equinox with a seasonal scent and yoga.   

It occurred to me today that this celebratory side is rather foreign for me.  I haven't ever felt like I had anything to celebrate.  I also have come to hate the big end of year holidays because of my family and my in-laws.  But part of me is tired of always feeling down and I hope that finding small ways to celebrate will help somehow. 

I am learning more about attachment.  The information brings me both relief as well as grief.  It is giving me awareness in my marriage.  I think also it shows up in other areas of my life and sometimes feel easier to practice different ways of attaching with people familiar but a bit more removed (like my coworker that I spoke with today). 

I don't have work tomorrow and hope to be able to recharge a bit over the next few days. 

[Not Alone]

RainyDiary, I have a lot of compassion for your little one.

I would think that students with sensory issues would also struggle with the music. I'm sorry there's another thing making your job more difficult.

I am learning more about attachment.  The information brings me both relief as well as grief. 

For me I feel relief that I'm not crazy. In my case the grief is the lack of connection and very little hope of that changing.

I hope you get a lot of physical and emotional rest this weekend.