Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

I've hit the point of our trip where I am no longer able to enjoy much because I am overwhelmed.  I am tired of being away from home and having to make so many decisions I make at home.  Also the pandemic is still going and many activities still restricted and limited. 

We are waiting until our Airbnb is ready.  I don't feel comfortable in the town we just arrived in.  When we get to the Airbnb I hope to do some yoga and see if that helps. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I relate to things you've said about being away - I think it's tough to cope with those things.  I hope that your Airbnb will be ok.  I remember spending a night in a place that initially felt so uncomfortable and unwelcoming, but somehow it got better, and I really hope that will also be the case for you - but whatever happens, I wish you the best for the day.  I hope your yoga is helpful. 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your thoughts. 

We returned from our trip.  We ended up coming home early one day because of weather.  I learned that my limit is around 3 days.  I'm glad we went and that I tried to take care of myself with yoga.

Today I woke up in a bad mood.  As the day I progressed, I realized how I am still holding on the time right after my brother in law died.  I realized that while I am upset with my husband from that time, I am also upset with myself.  I feel like I let my husband down.  He needed a support and I was experiencing my own mental illness.  I couldn't support him. 

I hope that realizing this helps me let go of that time.  It was the worst.  I don't want to live there anymore. 

[rainydiary]

I head back to work tomorrow.  I notice anxiety - although I have been doing this work for almost 10 years, there is always this part of me that says, "I can't do this." 

I've been feeling overall ok.  More of an observer of my thoughts and feelings.  Trying to stop spiraling when anxiety gets too loud. 

I am obsessing too much over my in-laws coming in a few months.  My obsession is somewhat because I know that visit won't be the last.  I know that they will have expectations of for the holidays and probably want my husband to visit at some point. 

I think his family is going to be a situation that we never see eye to eye on.  It puts a huge strain on us.  Mostly because we have no good communication about it.  It has become a situation so tense that we avoid it as much as possible. 

Not long ago my husband asked me if I wanted to join him for a walk after dinner.  I said no because I had to clean up the kitchen...but also, I know that he wouldn't speak to me the entire walk.  While he was walking, I thought about how to open communication about his family and realized how insignificant I feel with them and even with him. 

I avoid his family because they are mean and abusive and try to control me.  That hasn't worked so they try to control me through my husband.  My identity gets erased when they are around. 

But I am feeling this gap with my husband.  Over the past year and more I have worked to establish and define my identity.  I am watching him struggle with his identity.  When we lived in his hometown and were around his family and people he grew up with, he had a lot of things he did.  And now?  He works.  He lays around.  He seeks his hometown in every place he goes.  I cannot live in his hometown again.  My hard line on this scares me.  Will it be the end of us? 

I realize that in my relationship I don't expect much my husband in terms of our relationship.  I expect that he will prioritize what his mom wants and bend over to do dumb things for his parents.  I expect that he will join family plans for things like Netflix with his family.  I expect that he will do certain things for us like taxes and taking care of our cars.  I expect that he will work and pay our bills.  I expect that he will expect sex without developing our relationship. 

But, I don't expect that he will speak to me as a friend.  I don't expect that he will listen to me explain my experience with CPTSD.  I don't expect that he will do something that makes me happy without complaint.  I don't expect that he will share what he gets out of our relationship.  I don't expect that he will acknowledge the wonderful space I take up. 

I have seen my husband grow.  But I am also tired of being blamed for him not participating in his own life.  This weekend I wondered how much he likes himself.  If he doesn't like himself, how can he like me? 

I also must acknowledge that I bring my own stuff to this.  I have adapted to our relationship.  I am often silent too.  I am often in my head.  I am trying to connect more and share more of what I want.  But it is hard.  Especially when I feel like I am doing the bulk of the work. 

I have a lot to look forward in the coming months.   Yet, connecting is something I both crave but don't feel like I get.  I will keep exploring. 

[rainydiary]

Today was hard.  I am currently exhausted.  I am having a tough time loving myself.  Too many things happened and I didn't take time to care for myself overall. 

[rainydiary]

I am still stuck in my head and would like to say more about my day.

I didn't sleep great as I have this obsession with waking up at a certain time in order to be able to workout before work.  The trick is that the time I want to wake up is before my alarm.  I could set my alarm earlier...but on work days anxiety drives me to wake up. 

I had a number of small interactions with my most triggering colleague that have left me feeling low.  She gave me this iPad that isn't working right.  This student hasn't been at school for 2 months and I don't feel like dealing with the iPad is a priority.  But I'm sure this person has different expectations.  We also had a fire drill and I went to help her class get outdoors because they are the students with multiple disabilities and often need more support.  One student was covering their ears and was distressed by the sound of the fire alarm.  The student grabbed my hand and I allowed it.  I know they are in high school but the student needed comfort.  The teacher kept giving me this look.  I dread her saying something to me about it.  I don't need her opinion. 

I reached out to another person I work with that talking to is an addiction at this point.  This person has been helpful to me.  She is also extremely negative and tends to drag me down a bit.  I wanted to make sure she was aware of a change on our team but then the way she speaks to me just leaves me feeling gross. 

As soon as I got home from work, I felt drained.  I expect so much of myself.  I feel like I failed today. 

[Alter-eg0]

Sending you supportive vibes. I'm sorry you feel drained & like you've failed. That sucks.

When I feel like i've failed, sometimes it helps to remind myself that "failure" doesn't actually exist, it's just feedback/information. And if you can move through the judgement (of yourself), you can see the info/message that lies within it, in order to find a way to handle it differently next time. Not sure if i'm making sense or if it's any help at all, feel free to ignore if not

[owl25]

Hi rainy, that sounds really hard. You are in a really stressful work environment where you are very judged by negative people. Despite that, you helped that student who needs more support, and you let them hold your hand. That's not failure, that's sticking by what felt true to you. I very much feel you did the right thing. The negative looks you got aren't justified, and the person giving them has no compassion.

What are the high expectations you have of yourself? What might happen if you didn't have those high expectations?

[Not Alone]

Yea to you for being attuned to the student and holding student's hand. It sounds like it was the appropriate and compassionate thing to do in the situation.

I relate to a great deal of what you experience in your marriage. Unlike your struggles, my H isn't strongly emotionally connected to his family.

Not long ago my husband asked me if I wanted to join him for a walk after dinner.  I said no because I had to clean up the kitchen...but also, I know that he wouldn't speak to me the entire walk. 

I have declined to go on a couple of vacations that my husband went on. Hour after hour in the car with very little conversation is just too painful.

[CreativeCat]

Hi,

I just wanted to send you some support and let you know that I've found some comfort in your reflections. Your diary sounds so insightful and thoughtful and you've inspired me to write my own to make sense of my own experience.

I can really relate to your struggles with your in-laws and feeling controlled and overwhelmed by them.

Some things that helped me included taking a hyper-focus on learning about boundary setting and viewing interactions with them as a chance to practice what I had learnt. I got to the point where I was so unhappy that I could take the risk of it all blowing up in my face because my current situation just wasn't working as it was. I found the books on boundaries by Townsend really helpful.

I've also had lots of issues with my husband and feelings of regret and disappointment (I too grew much quicker than him and our relationship seems unbalanced). It got to the point where I told him what I needed and that it was non-negotiable and that I'd need to leave if I didn't get it. It wasn't a threat it was just part of me that I couldn't compromise on anymore. As a result he started going to therapy and now we're trying to build our relationship back up again, although it's not easy and I've lost a lot of trust in him.

Keep going on your journey and keep identifying and communicating what you need. I think the rest will fall into place. But it'll be so hard as it takes so much constant vulnerability, which can be so tricky for us. Above all be kind to yourself.  I found the books by Brene Brown really useful too.

[Jazzy]

Hi Rainydiary!   

I see you haven't posted here in a while, which is totally understandable, so I don't know what your frame of mind will be like when you get back. However, it sounds like you're having a tough time right now. Everything you've talked about at work and the trip with your husband sounds very overwhelming. I hope that you've been able to take some time to practice some good self-care, and get yourself back to a better place.

Feeling like you've failed is a very challenging thing to deal with, but in my opinion, you're doing great, and your posts here have been helpful to myself, and a lot of others.

I think it was wonderful how you helped that student who grabbed your hand! Even if they're in high school, their physical age is not necessarily a reflection on their emotional state, their sense of security, or many other factors that are so important in a person, which the education system completely fails to address. Everything else aside, someone needed your help at a deep level (physical contact), and you were there to help them! That is a great thing for you to do. I hope no one (the teacher) spoke out against this, and if they did, I hope you paid no heed at all to what they had to say. If I were in that situation, I'd imagine them like they were in a cartoon where they just blab on and on, and you can't even understand the words they're saying, because they're just completely unhelpful, and actually quite toxic. Try not to laugh out loud at them though!

I hope you feel better soon!  if that would be positive for you.

[Not Alone]

RainyDiary, Just dropping in to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

[rainydiary]

It has been a while since I've checked in - it was so helpful to hear from you all in my absence. 

I am going to write a post about my situation in the family/in law section and will share more here too in the days that come.

I will definitely need support in the coming weeks given:

My last week of work for the school year
An upcoming visit with my in-laws
Difficult feelings toward my husband right now
Difficult coworker interactions

[rainydiary]

I slept so poorly last night.  This was a day I was already dreading and now it is feeling even heavier.

I am feeling powerless.  I believe I am getting better at setting boundaries.  Yet I will also "cave" especially when others use guilt.  I also have a tendency to be all or nothing - either I always stand up or I don't.  Reality isn't that clean. 

I haven't felt this way in a long time and it feels especially worse given that.  My stomach is upset and I feel full of anxious energy.  My hypervigilance will likely be in overdrive today as I attempt to get by. 

I have been working a lot to feel joy and to allow myself to feel good.  That feels hard right now.  I am hurting and want others to know my hurt which in turn often ends up hurting them. 

[Blueberry]

I hear you Rainy Diary. btw my spontaneous reaction at seeing your name was there's Rainy Diary again!
I'm sorry you're hurting rn and there's so much on your plate today and the next few days. If it feels helpful, here's a supportive