Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armadillo. 

I ended up going to be very early and sleeping for around 10-11 hours.  I think a lot of that exhaustion was specific to my run...and also the past several weeks. 

I suppose this is why people train.  I hope to find some ways to manage my wellness when it is so hot out. 

I think one thing is my clothing.  I struggle with how my body looks and wear clothes that cover up a lot of my body.  In addition to my appearance, I also have skin that is prone to burning and I am at risk for skin cancer so I do try to cover up in that sense too.  This is not serving me in the warm weather.  It's hard to overcome the years of snide comments from my family and from my culture about the appearance of my body.  The appearance has so little to do with how wonderful my body is in accomplishing each step toward huge thing I am striving for.  I ordered some new clothing that hopefully will be a little more cooling. 

Another thing is I don't think I ate enough yesterday.  I found that as I got hotter, the thought of eating while running was less appealing.  I have found foods that work for me while running and will work to eating all the stuff I bring.  I also didn't eat enough after the run. 

I am also still navigating my feelings about my work.  Last week the place where the interview I felt best about contacted me to request an additional reference (someone who supervised me).  I always forget the minutiae that new jobs want.  It is also complicated providing a supervisor reference because my current job doesn't know I am looking to leave so I can't provide one from there and my job before that...well, it's been three years and I don't really know who still works there.  I ended up sending them the name of someone that was my evaluator.  I felt guilty doing so because I didn't ask her first and haven't talked to her in three years. Also I remember her making a comment about the person I replaced regarding references for a new job that makes me worry she will be annoyed with me.   I do trust her to be fair in a reference even if I am annoying her. 

I anticipate the coming week to be when I need to face a decision. 

[sanmagic7]

body image and food/eating issues can be daunting at the very least, especially when you're facing both people close to you and a general culture that is prone to body-shaming.  i love your attitude about how much your body has done for you.  i think anything like that deserves respect no matter what it looks like.  even if everyone weighed the same, we'd still all look different and our bodies would not be one size fits all.  but, honestly, with all that running you're talking about, it sounds like your body is sound and healthy.  i think that's the most important.

good luck with your decision, rainy.  sending love and a hug filled with strength.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  It feels like I find more and more to consider and potentially resolve.  Layers and layers and layers.

I've been processing today, mostly about work.

I notice that even now I worry about telling my parents my situation.  A part of me feels like I will be punished by them.  In a way I will because they act so judgmental of my decisions.  I haven't given them much detail.  But a lot of my dread of them and their "punishment" pushes me back to being a child and thinking and acting from a child place.  What I am trying to remember is that I am adult and have agency of my life.  I make my decisions. 

I also noticed today how hard my brain is trying to convince me I should stay in my current job.  And then I was thinking about what led me on the path of seeking a new job.  A colleague that never spoke the truth to me and that used her size and conversations with no one else present to intimidate me.  A colleague that confronted me with her backup person and then never said another word to me but went behind my back and used a system to get what she wants.  And then my last day of work, leaders telling me things that sounded like her voice and telling me my workspace would be with her.  I cannot see this anyway but an attempt to control me.  I can stand up for myself as much as I want.  Unless someone in that system is willing to stand up to her and stand by me, I'm toast.  Why would I want to continue to try to function in that environment?

[Jazzy]

Hi Rainydiary,

I'm glad you are processing and finding more to work through. It may feel frustrating that there is so much, but it sounds like you are making great progress! 

I understand what you mean about feeling like your parents will punish you. I still feel something very similar; it's like I'm afraid of their reaction. It makes sense that you haven't given them many details. That sounds like a good call!

It sounds like you've made some important realizations about work, too. While your mind "defaulted" to one thing, it's great that you thought it through to understand better! You're right, it is very important to have support. We are social creatures by nature, so it's important to help hold each other up.

--

Even before I caught up on reading your posts today, I was thinking about your running. It's amazing that you are getting back in to it like that. I completely agree that it doesn't matter how long it takes you. I'm impressed that you are even participating! I don't think I would be able to do that yet.

I also get what you mean about wearing clothing that is not optimal for training. When I first started going out jogging, I was wearing heavy jeans and work boots; no surprise I hurt my ankle. I still wear jogging pants outside, even though I should be in shorts. I find it a challenging process to work through the shame and body image issues. It is getting better though, and it sounds like it is getting better with you too!

I'm glad to hear you ordered some new clothes. I'm sure you look great! If someone doesn't like your looks, they can close their eyes. You have as much right as anyone to be out there in healthy and comfortable way!

All the best to you, Rainydiary!

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate the observations and encouragement. 

I continue to think about my work situation and what I really want.  My certainty in what I want seems to be evolving each day. 

Last week after I got all worked up and reached out to the principal, I spent some time writing down what I would want to say to her and what I want her to hear. 

There are many things I want her to hear and understand, but I also know how she is.  If I move too quick and make any big emotional statements, she will turn on me.  What I really want her to know is how disrespected I have felt from my first day at that place and that all of my behavior and whatever is because I feel like I do not matter.  My colleagues also have some real issues they need to sort out, but I am finding myself taking that less personally and more capable of standing up for myself. 

So, that first contact with her made me feel good in that I acknowledged to her I am not ok with the conversation that took place with my colleagues.  Lesson I learned is that I avoid and wait a long time to address concerns and would like to try a new way of being with this.  I would like to develop a way of seeking feedback from my colleagues and documenting that so I mostly have a record. 

I distilled my thoughts down to two big things that would help me feel more supported and emailed these to the principal today.  One is if I could have a workspace away from the team I am part of.  I also said I would commit to scheduling as part of my schedule time to sit with each part of my team each week. 

I am curious to see how/if she will respond.  Depending on how she responds, I may feel more ok with remaining in this job if she shows me she has my back.  I didn't tell her before or try to get help because I assumed she wouldn't do anything other than gaslight me.  She still might do that, but I feel more empowered that I am at least putting out there what I want and it is documented that I tried. 

While the behavior of many people I work with has not been ok, I am also tired of running away.  Getting out of a situation absolutely is often the best thing to be done.  But I'm not sure that is where I am.  If I receive no support from this person who claims to want to support us as well as a job offer somewhere else, I will know what to do.  But I would also like to participate more directly in my life and not just let things happen.  There is a lot I cannot control but I can do my best to share my perspective and what would help me. 

[Armadillo]

 

[sanmagic7]

rainy,

sometimes we need those reminders from others, their words or deeds, to strengthen our belief that we're doing the right thing for ourselves.  i've been in an abusive work environment, so i can relate.  keep moving forward.

i understand the idea of being 'punished' by an authority figure - for me, it hasn't necessarily been my parents, but others who have determined rules and regulations for me to follow.  it's a horrible feeling.  i've felt it w/ the medical profession, therapists, bosses - anyone who has had my wellbeing in their hands.  i've been scared to speak up, to own my truth, make a mistake - you name it.  i feel for you, i really do.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armadillo and San. 

I just heard from the place I felt best at interviewing and they said no.  I am shocked.  I thought it went really well.

I'm going to need some time to process.  I still have two other jobs in progress, but sheesh.  I suppose it wasn't meant to be. 

[sanmagic7]

it certainly sucks when you thought one thing and the opposite happens.  so sorry to hear this.  sending love and support while you process, rainy.

[Armadillo]

  Rainy.

The right thing will happen at the right time. Don't let your critic be mean to you today, ok? I've been in lots and lots of interview panels and usually it is very difficult to choose because they are almost all great candidates,  but you have to pick one and it sucks. 😪

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support San and Armadillo.  This is my first time interviewing since understanding CPTSD and I am finding it overwhelming.  I understand I won't always be the right candidate, but it stinks.  It mostly stinks that this process is bringing up a lot of things from my past. 

I acknowledged to myself today that I haven't really been ok for going on three weeks.  I've had moments of ease but overall my anxiety and hypervigilance have increased.  I also have been wondering about depression.  I don't usually associate my experience as depression but I do think it may apply. 

I had finally been establishing some feelings of general safety that were knocked down in my last of work.  These feelings haven't completely gone but they are shaky. 

I am mostly just tired of feeling so much and putting so much effort in.  Really the events of my last day of work have deep roots both in my personal life and in my work life.  I want things to resolve and be resolved and to not have to put so much energy into what I am doing right now.

My inner critic has been sneakier.  I have grown and changed a lot...so it has to get craftier in taking me down.  I'm not completely sure what will help right now.  I will do my best to take each step on this path I'm on. 

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, Rainydiary. 

Rejection like that is so difficult! Did they tell you why? Of course, you don't have to share here. It's just that it may not even have anything to do with you. There are a lot of going-ons involved in the hiring process that most people aren't aware of. I know ICr is a nasty little thing and will twist that all around if you let it, but I hope you can keep it tolerable. It sounds challenging with things changing and being unsure what will work well.

I've been struggling with ICr these last few days too. Sometimes it feels like a long boxing match where I'm climbing back in to the ring for round 10+. I've found encouraging music to be helpful. I've been playing it almost non-stop since Saturday. Another thing I've tried to do is add "yet" to the end of sentences that aren't so positive, e.g. "My heart rate isn't as low as I would like, yet".

I get it that you're tired. All of this stuff is mentally and physically exhausting. I hope you find the time to rest and comfort yourself.

I will do my best to take each step on this path I'm on. 

I really love how you ended this on a positive note. The struggle is so hard, but finding that bit of positivity makes all the difference in the world. Great job! 

[rainydiary]

Hi Jazzy, the rejection is hard because what they don't know is they touch upon a lot of rejection in my past that has nothing to do with now.  I am not sure why they went another way.  It could be they needed someone bilingual or with a specific skill set I'm not strong in.  I'm not as upset anymore - I didn't even really want a job with them is what this turn of events is showing me.  I just didn't expect a no.

I do have some follow up interviews with the two other jobs I interviewed for.  The pro is these jobs would be really different from what I've done before.  But, I feel so burned out by work that my heart doesn't really feel into what I am doing.  I will see these to the end.

I had my yoga teacher training tonight and enjoyed it.  My takeaway tonight is the idea "I am enough."  They really emphasize this in the training.  That is difficult for me to believe, as I'm sure it is for a number of people. 

[Armadillo]

My takeaway tonight is the idea "I am enough."  They really emphasize this in the training.

This is a great take away. I hope you can keep it with you. I can't believe how many interviews you were able to land so quickly Rainy!!!

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armadillo.  I work in a field that often has openings.  That is because burnout is high, unfortunately.

Today I finally processed what I've been going through the past three weeks.  Yes, I have coworkers that act unkindly (to put it mildly), but I am not ready to leave my current job because of them.  Something in me has shifted and I feel called to stand up for myself.  I have worked hard and done good work.  I don't have to do what these folks say.  They are not in charge of me.  Their behavior speaks very loudly about them and the things they are struggling with. 

I know that staying will be difficult and I anticipate them upping their antics.  And yet, I feel it is important that I speak up and take up space.  I haven't really spoken up for myself.  I have avoided and been passive.  I would like to try a different way. 

Next week I will be meeting with the principal.  I need to plan what I will say but one question I have is if there is a concern about my job performance.  My instinct is that there isn't any issue with my performance other than one person doesn't like that I don't do what she says.  I don't want to be falsely accused of things without having my say, so I plan to become more proactive in seeking feedback and documenting what I hear.  I will also meet with an administrator at the school district level a few weeks after that and plan to get some input and suggestions from her. 

I am tired of quitting jobs to avoid dealing with difficult situations.  They keep following me because I am not changing.  I am not going to continue growing if I allow people to push me around.  I have played a part in this and am willing to own my role.  I have a plan for things I want to face in the coming school year.  I also plan to identify safe spaces and people I can go to when needed.  I already have that but didn't use it this year.

My heart feels easier and I know I am making the right decision for myself.  I don't plan to work at this place forever but it is a place I can continue to push boundaries and try out new skills I am working on.  I hope to keep working on self protective factors before I go back - I'm going to need them.