Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Niko/Jazzy, Sometimes it isn't specific quotes that stand out to me but the overall impression I get from what you and others write.  I appreciate you bringing up the topic of me expressing being tired.  I think I often say I am tired as a default and may not really know either how I feel or how to describe it.  I'll be watchful of this.  I have an app where I track some health related information and I notice I say I am tired a lot.  Today I thought, "If I am actually that tired, I must have something going on that needs to be addressed."

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Notalone, thank you for checking in.  I would say my cat is feeling a lot better.  She is running around more and being more playful.  She is on the mend which is good.  I find myself being a little more paranoid with her and questioning the appearance of all of her paws.  I do this sometimes with my moles especially around the time of seeing the dermatologist.  My brain wants to find things wrong when they are as they should be.

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BeeKeeper, I have found myself being able to be more of an observer with my in-laws and not getting caught in their dynamic like I used to.  Being able to laugh at their behavior helps me cope.  A lot of things still need to happen first before the possibility of a move is even on the table but I feel excited at the possibility. 

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Today has been a good day.  My cat mostly slept and I continue to find the balance with carrying out the vet orders and real life. 

I enjoyed my lunch.  I haven't seen this friend since we graduated college.  It was nice to catch up.  It woke up parts of my brain and memory I haven't accessed in a while. 

My husband and I also did work to renew our passports.  There is a backlog of applications so I imagine this will take a long time, but we sent in all the stuff we need to.  As soon I placed it in the mailbox, I started to worry I didn't do something quite right.  All these systems make normal human error a huge deal which is annoying. 

I have a huge run to do tomorrow and hope to get some sleep soon. 

[Jazzy]

I understand, thank you for your additional feedback; it is very helpful!

You make a very good point about being tired. I used to feel tired all day long, no matter how much I slept. While it sounded like "Chronic Fatigues Syndrome", something about that never sat right with me. Now I know that I was not tired, I was overwhelmed constantly, so my brain was doing a forced partial shutdown. Feeling tired was its way of trying to get me to find some peace, because I ignored everything it tried to tell me.

It's really great that you've had a similar insight about yourself, and are being watchful and tracking your information. That's a really great step forward on your healing journey!

I'm glad your day was better today, as was your cats. I expect you two are closely linked beyond a "normal" bond.

It's wonderful that you enjoyed lunch with your friend too. Those positive social experiences are so important and helpful. I'm really happy for you.

Good job on all of your accomplishments today, and your run tomorrow. That's a big thing while feeling so tired all of the time!

Peace and rest to you while you sleep tonight.

<3 Niko

[rainydiary]

Niko, since this post I have been trying to not immediately say I am tired, even to myself, especially when I first wake up.  It's been interesting as I haven't "felt" tired.  I think tired is often overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, sad, grieving, unsure, etc.  I will continue exploring.

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Today I had this period of time where I think I just felt well.  It was a strange place to be and I wasn't quite sure how to meet that or describe it.  I'll be watchful for it coming back.

I don't remember when or how I did it, but I did tell my husband I wish he would ask me more questions.  I've noticed that he has been doing it in a genuine way which has meant a lot.  I've tried to make sure to ask questions back. 

I think my cat is getting better slowly but surely.  I have had some moments the past day or so where I've been afraid that there will be more care needed.  Her paw does seem better, but I'm afraid the rest of it won't resolve before her medication is up.  I get overwhelmed by what might happen as I don't know how to interpret what is happening now.  I see her eating, drinking, using her litter box, and sleeping normally (except when she has the cone on, but we are working around that).  Today she has been so much more playful and alert than she has for a while, so it seems like she is on the mend.  I will be watchful and try to trust that her body is doing it's best. 

I realized I haven't been eating enough on my runs especially the very long ones.  Eating more has been really helpful for how I feel during and after.  My feet are starting to be rather beat up.  I have a number of blisters that are annoying.  I'm doing my best to care for my feet. 

I am enjoying a book I like to reread each year before sleeping.  I look forward to a good week. 

[Jazzy]

Wow, this is phenomenal!!!!!   

As you said, specific examples are helpful, but the whole post is literally full of healing goodness!

I am especially impressed by your attitude of listening carefully to your body, learning that your previous belief was not fully accurate, then continuing to explore to find a more realistic understand of your reality.

That is true learning, which few people know how to do. 

I'm also thrilled that you have asked for more input from your husband, and are reciprocating the helpful action. Asking for more questions... wow; there's a successful attitude!

Reading about your improvement tonight as lifted my spirits drastically. Thank you so much for sharing your progress.

I'm glad your cat has notably improved as well. She is very important too!

[Armadillo]

I'm so happy you've had some time feeling well. (Despite long distance runner's feet). I find it's really helpful to have those days when I feel good,  to know what feeling I'm striving for in healing. Like "ah yes THAT is how I want to feel."

That's really promising that your H is trying to ask questions and really good job eating a bit extra to fuel those long runs.

[rainydiary]

Niko & Armadillo, I appreciate the support and encouragement. 

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The past several days something has been on my mind that I would like to explore. 

I am beginning to acknowledge that I am neurodivergent.  This feels heavy to me right now.

I think that my neurodivergence and trauma are linked.  I am remembering my mother speaking about the way I presented as an infant.  I am thinking about my innate preferences and sensory needs.  I am thinking about the feelings I've always had of not really being on the same wavelength of others.

As my trauma healing is progressing, I am looking at what was underneath.  I have been aware of my sensitivity and processing needs for some time.  I've called those things something else because I didn't learn about neurodiversity until recently. 

I think this is feeling heavy because I work with neurodivergent individuals and I watch the way they are treated.  It is also the way I am treated and thus is traumatic in a different way from the trauma I experienced growing up. 

Neurodivergent covers many things and I'm not sure I will need to become more specific for myself.  I am already doing the things I need to do to create my own positive environment and learning how to express what I need to others.  It's a lot to reframe how I think about myself. 

[Jazzy]

I love the way you wanted this message RainyDiary. You're doing what's best for yourself, and that's what's best.

I'm not sure what Nuro divergent means but I imagine it is something similar to what I have experienced.

I've been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum, but there are no further details. Unfortunately I do not have nearly as much Empirical data about my brain as I would like.

Based on my experience it is my belief that my apparent ASD is due to the fact that my life has always been different than the lives of others, not some sort of genetic abnormality.

Whatever you are happy with about yourself, no matter what terms or details you have, is good by me. I hope you continue to do best for you, no matter what anyone else says.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy/Niko, Autism does fall under the term neurodivergent. I'm not sure I am Autistic however my brain does function differently than most people I know and has since I was a child. 

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I am looking forward to tomorrow as I get a new mattress.  The cat pee smell from when my cat peed on my bed hasn't gone away and it has been hard for me to sleep knowing I am sleeping on a pee stain.  I am fortunate that we can get a new mattress.  We've talked about it a lot and this finally pushed me to purchase.  I hope the mattress I got works for us.  It is one that comes in a box.  It has good reviews yet sleep and our bodies and our experience of mattresses is so personal. 

[Jazzy]

The new mattress sounds wonderful Rainy, I hope it's exactly what you need!

Sleep is very personal; also extremely important. I've been sleeping on a firmer mattress with no pillow recently. While it is less comfortable, is extremely supportive which is what my body needs. Even six hours is a very long time to hold the same posture. I'm very hopeful that it will be healing to me.

I hope the mattress helps you sleep better, and aids in your healing as well.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Jazzy/Niko.  Still working on set up. 

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I am out of sorts today.  I didn't sleep well last night and have felt off all day.  I think it is somewhat related to my place in my menstral cycle but still doesn't feel great.  This post might just be a list of all the things bugging me today.   

I think I am carrying around a lot of stuff.  Caring for my cat has been draining.  I continue to imagine telling off my colleagues but also just feel so hurt underneath.  Memories continue to survive and I meet them when they do, but integrating them is exhausting. 

Today is my MIL's birthday.  I need to hide posts on social media from one of my husband's aunts.  Seeing my in-laws on social media is super triggering.  I was struck by how unhappy my MIL looked in a photo I saw.  She isn't a happy person but now that I've healed some, I see that more than when I let her have power over me.  I was also deeply annoyed to see a photo of my SIL still feeding her 3 year old like a baby.  At this point I need for them to be as much out of sight out of mind as I can get. 

I'm having a lot of food cravings today.  I think all of my exercise is part of it...but also food is a way I cope with not feeling well. 

Our mattress has arrived but it is too heavy for me to manage on my own.  I also need to clear out the old mattress and bed frame.  I need my husband's help and need to wait until he is done with work.  I am really discomposed by my bedroom being a huge mess.  The physical labor I spent this morning getting the room read might have triggered deep down how it feels to move and be in transition.   

My feet have tons of blisters from running so much.  I am finding this so uncomfortable.  I am trying to manage the blisters.  Not running would help.  Today I really struggled with my training run and began to question if I can do the run I signed up in September.  I've been training for over 3 months and am getting worn out. 

I also feel triggered by my yoga teacher training.  We have these cohort meetings on Zoom on Mondays.  The vibe from the beginning has been that you attend as you are able and they said they understand if you aren't able to.  Last night we got a talking to about attendance.  The whole vibe of the meeting changed after that.  For me I felt in trouble (even though I have attended every meeting) which is a trauma response for me.  I think that if they actually wanted people to attend, they should have said that at the beginning.  Plus the people that heard this message are the ones that actually attend regularly. 

*sigh* So many things.  I plan to try to take it one step at a time for the rest of the day. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy Diary,

Sorry that you didn't sleep well last night, and that you feel out of sorts today - menstrual stuff can impact in a big way.  I haven't been around so much in recent weeks, but I did read about your cat, you've had such a lot on with caring for your cat.  Like you said, it's draining.

I also get food cravings, and I don't think menstrual stuff helps with that either.

I hope your feet recover - and that the blisters don't hurt too much.  You're doing a lot of training for your run in September - good luck with whatever you decide to do - cheering you on with it, if you decide you're going ahead, but similarly if you're resting and recuperating your feet, that's good too! 

I think you're brave to do Zoom meetings.  I've been on Zoom, but never show my face on them.  I am too shy.  Your group sounds a bit scary to me.

Your plan to try to take it one step at a time for the rest of the day, that sounds like a really sensible plan.  I hope it goes ok. 

Most of all, wishing you the best, and sending you a hug of support, if that's helpful 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you reading and offering your support.   

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Today has been up and down.  I felt a little better than yesterday but more moments of conflict with my husband. 

Tomorrow I will be attending a conference for an area I am interested in specializing in.  I'm worried that the conference will be heavy on socializing and I don't really have it in me.  My cat has also two more days of her treatment.  I know that my husband won't be able to be around her as much as I am and that bugs me. 

I haven't been able to find stillness and care for myself much of late.  I hope I can speak kindly to myself the rest of today.  I also think that I am still learning new ways of being.  My old ways of "relaxing" were really dissociation and avoiding. 

My feet haven't felt great today.  I am trying to figure out how to handle running the next few days.  I might do shorter distances to at least be running but giving myself a break.  I think the big difference has been that I've been running on pavement more.  I have been avoiding the trails I used to run because lots of people walk with unleashed dogs and it both scares and annoys me to be chased by unfamiliar dogs and then to be gaslit by the owner. 

[Jazzy]

Rainydiary, I feel you are hurting right now.  I'm so sorry.

I am encouraged to see you are continuing to push yourself forward in your career, whilst dealing with everything else. Socializing is an extremely challenging topic. I find it more so due to how differently my brain works than others, I wonder if this is true for you as well.

I'm relieved to hear your cat only has 2 days of treatment left! You two are so close to the end of this challenging journey! 

I see much wisdom in your writing here, as usual. Keep being you!

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I really appreciate you reading and offering up your support.  Socializing has never been easy for me.  There are social situations where I feel more able to communicate, but with strangers in an unfamiliar place definitely not.  I don't learn through talking to others but having time to think and be with the information.  I'll do my best to care for myself and leave when I feel I need to.  I appreciate spoon theory and have come to find ways to conserve my energy.  I think some of the reason the past few days have been hard is I overloaded them with tasks I usually do on the days I will be attending the conference so that I wouldn't have to worry about them those days.  But it was overwhelming in addition to caring for my cat, dealing with receiving a new mattress, and getting rid of the old mattress plus doing my daily things. 

.............

My feelings and comfort are really up and down of late. 

Last night I had a really intense dream mostly about work.  In the dream, I spoke to a colleague that I often go to in times of difficulty about what happened and I think he kind of validated me in my dream.  I say kind of because I'm not sure in real life that I trust him in the way I have before.  Even though he seems supportive of me, he is still more part of the group than I am.  He saw me crying on my last day of work and didn't ask what was going on.  He also hasn't reached out at all.  I'm sure the colleagues that ganged up on me told him their side of the story only. 

I think the start of work is weighing on me.  I still notice feeling pressure and tension to be pleasing to certain colleagues.  I hope to find ways to keep reframing from blaming myself to seeing what I am doing as a gift that comes from a unique vantage point.  I know that I make a difference for the students I work with.  I wish I had better interactions with my colleagues, but that often isn't about me and I am tired of feeling responsible for their unkind and thoughtless behavior. 

I can see how I am getting ahead of myself both in the approach of work and what might come this year.  I think that when my husband mentioned how his company is doing more overseas work, I assumed it was a given we would move.  As excited as I would be to do that, it also makes me queasy.  I moved a ton growing up and am not sure I have resolved the trauma of that.  So something small, like us moving a mattress outside and the ensuing conflict that brings up because even moving a piece of furniture from room to room is hard, sets me off. 

My husband and I also have trauma of our related to moves we have made.  I haven't forgotten the way he acted and responded during some of our moves and how his parents swooped in to rescue.  I think that if we are actually going to move overseas we are going to have to have some very honest conversations and not gloss over the difficulties like we have in the past. 

But, this isn't something I have to deal with right now.  I get ahead of myself as a way to prepare for what is coming...but dealing with imaginary situations isn't helping. 

[Jazzy]

 

I have carefully read every word, but I have no better advice to offer. You're doing exceptionally well!