Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Armed & San, I am so appreciative of your words.  I am deeply exhausted today and can't give more words than that right now.  I plan to return and process more when I am more rested.

.........

I did not sleep well last night.  I couldn't sleep with so much stress and worry over many things.

My cat's paw is still sick.  I am finally accepting that whatever is going on is more than I can handle.  I've made and cancelled several appointments with her regular vet.  It will important to make and keep one.  Whatever is going on hasn't been addressed with the emergency visits.  For now I am trying to keep her from licking it and making it worse than it is.  That isn't fun for either of us. 

I completed my run today.  It was long but I did it.  I can't imagine completing longer runs but I will.  Some of my sleeplessness last night was because I was nervous about this run. 

I hope to sleep better tonight. 

[CactusFlower]

  I hope the run helps you sleep better. It's always harder when our sleep is disrupted.  As for the kitty, the regular visit will be important. As much as we love our little furballs, we aren't the trained and licensed professionals who can figure out what's going on. The best we can do is follow instructions and go back if something isn't working.Kitty might not like the cone, but it sounds like a good choice until you can get them to the doc. You'll get through this, I believe you can.

[rainydiary]

Cactus, thank you.  I am feeling so overwhelmed by my cat's lack of comfort.  It's hard to choose what is most important and right now it seems that her not licking her paw is the most important.  I worry that she isn't eating or drinking enough especially for her kidney disease but I don't know what damage she can do to her paw.   

I have a plan to call her vet when they open tomorrow and I hope they can see us soon.  I feel so lousy that we have been trying to solve this for over 6 weeks and haven't gotten anywhere.  I'm also stressed because I am supposed to go out of town next weekend and want to keep that trip.  Right now I am trying to take this one moment at a time but it is bringing up a lot of feelings. 

..........

I slept a bit better last night.  I can't fully relax in my sleep when I know my cat is so uncomfortable but I am trying to care for myself in order to care for her.  I think my sleeplessness is also related to my running and the approach of work.  This where I feel so confused - I do so many good things for my body and yet my mind can be such a challenge. 

[sanmagic7]

worry about our furry friends is akin to worrying about our children at times.  i think it's a good idea to call the vet at this point to get a professional perspective.  good luck with it all.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your comment.  My cat is essentially my child as I don't have human children of my own.  I've been fortunate in that she has been a really healthy cat and we just have hit a weird place. 

..........

I managed to get an appointment with her vet today.  I assumed they would have me see whichever doctor was available but I was able to meet with her regular vet.  I realized I could have been more assertive before now and gotten an appointment sooner. 

As I sat there waiting for her vet, I started crying.  It has been such a difficult path.  Her foot was essentially looking the way it looked back in June and I felt so terrible that all the time and effort we put in seemed gone.  Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I had gone to her vet from the start. 

Her vet was really compassionate and let me share my story of what happened.  She then asked me for permission before she did anything to my cat which I appreciate.  She cleaned her paw and came to show me that it just looked very inflamed but nothing seems to stand out as a problem.  Which makes this situation so weird.  What the heck is going on?

We decided to cover the paw and try another antibiotic and check in on Friday.  This plan seemed so reasonable and I felt so mad at the emergency vet.  I don't think my situation was a true emergency but after the care and approach today it just feels like they checked a box and technically did a job to get me out the door.  It makes sense to me to cover the paw - I keep my house as clean as I can but I also don't live in a sterile environment. 

If this covering and antibiotic don't help, we will need to get more information perhaps through a biopsy or an X-ray. 

The challenge with all this is my husband and I have a trip planned this weekend.  It might all work out and we can go without worry about the cat.  But we might also not be able to.  He was rude to me about it. 

When he gets like that, all I can hear is the voice of his parents who always prioritized themselves over their kids especially when it came to "vacation."  I could just see my husband or one of his siblings being sick or not up for a "vacation" but being forced to go by their parents. 

I am truly sorry for the timing of my cat's illness, but it also isn't the end of the world if we can't make our trip.  We can go another time.  I believe he does share concern about the well-being of our cat but something about this situation is triggering him. 

I am feeling a bit more relieved and more comfortable.  My cat doesn't like her paw being covered but as long as she leaves it alone she doesn't have to wear the cone.  I still might need to leave the cone on her overnight as I could see her trying to get the bandage off. 

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a good plan, rainy.  i hope hubby chills a bit if the vacation can't go forward as planned.  maybe you can sit down with him and make plans for another one?  that way you can both have some fun time to anticipate, and still be comfortable with your cat's treatment and healing.  love and hugs, my dear

[rainydiary]

Thanks San, I checked in with my husband as his messages were texts and I might have read into what he wrote.  I'm not sure I read into his message though.  He stated that his perspective is he wants to know if we are going or not.  I'm not sure what he means by that.  Hopefully we can check in more.

..........

My cat is doing ok so far.  She has tried to get the bandage off a few times but seems happier to have longer breaks from the cone.  I will need to cone her overnight as I imagine she would really have a go at getting the bandage off.

I've had some good learning experiences today.  I hope to carry what I learned forward.

I was just wondering about my inner child.  My shoulder is hurting in a way I associate with my inner child.  I haven't been as connected her.  I was more in touch last year.  Maybe the messages from Armee and San about the part of me holding onto the "piece of garbage" thought is speaking up. 

[Armee]

Your vet treated you and your cat with so much compassion. Thay justvwarms my heart. 

I hope that the cats paw is doing well enough that you can go with your husband,  without guilt or worry. And if you can't go, that thay decision can be made in way that feels ok to you. From what you said it does sound like this triggers stuff for your husband. Perhaps it is painful to him to see how you treat your cat with love compared to how his parents treated him.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your words Armee.  I often wonder a lot about my husband and his triggers.  It's taken a lot of work for me to not try to own his stuff or try to do the emotional work for him.  It struck me this week how difficult being vulnerable is for him.  I have not seen anyone in his family except his sister sometimes share vulnerability.  I think a lot of his behavior right now is wanting to help but not wanting to be vulnerable.  That makes me sad for him and for his family.  And sometimes for myself.  We'll see what happens this week.  My cat is doing her best.  She hates the bandage but it is keeping her paw safe. 

..........

I am noticing so much tension in my body that I haven't really been able to relieve.  I think the tension has many sources.  I haven't been able to rest easy or relax of late.  I find it so interesting that I am currently running so many miles a week, having routines, eating relatively well, and my mind is still so powerful. 

Today I came across this quote attributed to Carl Jung and it stood out to me:

"As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know.  Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."

[rainydiary]

I have been waking up especially early this week.  As I was sitting here this morning, I was reflecting on my husband and I and had the following thoughts.

*****TW: mention of suicide *****

My mind has been going back more to the time my BIL died by suicide.  My husband recently received a check in the mail that was from the sale of one of my BIL's homes.  Why that is coming to my husband and not my parents in law is a bit odd to me....until I consider my husband as a parentified child.

My husband and SIL do not know I heard this conversation, but I heard my SIL sharing with my husband the experience of finding my BIL's body.  The individual that acted like an adult in the situation was not my FIL who found my BIL but my SIL.  She took immediate action calling emergency services and doing CPR while my FIL stood there.  I have always grieved for the way my SIL's life has gone as her actions in that moment showed her strength and courage.  I also can't shake how traumatized she must be by that experience and how she likely has little support for it. 

When I heard that story, it made me hate my FIL and MIL.  They have not acted like parents and created four humans with so much pain and confusion.  I grieve for my husband and his siblings in that they were raised by such wounded, lost people that don't take responsibility for themselves. 

****** End TW ******

My mind went back to that time because I wonder if the current situation with my cat is triggering the lack of care of his parents and all of chaos around his brother's death.  I won't know for sure but it brings me a great deal of compassion for him. 

I often think about what it would be like to have parents like his.  He will tell me how he once asked his mom if she would make him pancakes (I think he might have been in college) and her response was "Does your roommate make you pancakes?"  I don't know if he feels the pain I hear in those types of comments and I imagine those types of things were said throughout his life. 

I often wonder what it is about me that felt drawn to someone from such a messed up family.  I remember the day I met my husband and in that moment I recognized a fellow traveler trying to make it on their own terms.  Even though I struggle to know my internal self at times, that was a moment where I chose to listen to my intuition. 

Since his brother's death, I have felt disconnected from the part of myself that saw that.  Over the years, he has been so torn between the dynamics and expectations of his family and doing what is best for himself and that has left me in a very uncertain place.  That has made me question myself and my instinct.  And yet, I'm not sure I would have started a healing journey had it not been for our relationship.   

*exhale*

[sanmagic7]

oh, rainy, such a bucketload of thoughts and feelings around your H's family, and his own suffering.  it's difficult to determine from the outside just what might trigger someone and why, but there is a real possibility that caretaking of another, be it human or animal, could be a jolt to his system in the present because of situations in the past.  i don't know if he'd even know it, unless he's been quite introspective about his family dynamics and what that means for him and his psyche.

i've had 3 husbands, all of whom were damaged by their childhoods, but at the end of the day, while i could feel compassion for their pain, i also had to learn that  we all have the chance to heal our wounds, change our behaviors toward others, and find a healthier perspective from which to move thru our lives.  i hope your H is  doing that, i really do.

as for why you chose him, i've heard for a long time that we are attracted to people on our own level of hurt and pain because we know how to deal with it - it feels familiar and has a certain amount of comfort for us.  i hope you two can work your way thru it.  love and hugs, rainy

[Armee]

 

I have a lot of emotions but not a lot of words reading this.

But it is clear you have so much compassion for your DH and I hope he is picking up on that and allowing it in.

I have the strange experience of having married someone not at my level of hurt and pain. Although he had his own trauma around his dad's death similar to your SIL, that came as an adult and he absorbed it. Now I am very grateful because the alternative scenario would have probably left me in a very different situation, but I spent many years hating his perfection and hating myself for not being good enough for him. None of that came from him it was all my brain trying to grapple with the vast difference between us. And honestly sometimes I fantasized about being with someone more like me. Broken.

Your husband is lucky to have you and you and San are right that he needs to do his own work so he can enjoy what you have to offer. In the meantime, compassion and respect and empathy for the other can go a long way to hold down the fort while that work happens, if it's a 2 way street.

Hugs to you and kitty, Rainy. 

[rainydiary]

San & Armee, I am so grateful you responded.  Sometimes I write things out and then feel too vulnerable for what I said and wish I hadn't said it.  I often wonder if our relationship works for my husband.  I often wonder if it works for me.  I haven't felt deep down to get out.  I know there are things we all have to work through.  It is very confusing.
..........

San, I appreciate the perspective you shared and experiences you've had.  What you say makes sense and I think often of how to care for myself.  I haven't gotten to the point where I feel like I need out as he does seem to be moving in a good direction and acting in ways that feel more supportive to me.  I definitely reflect on his family more than he does.  I'm not sure he will ever fully come out of the FOG. 

I appreciate the thought we find someone around the same level of pain and hurt.  I often wonder if some of the relationships I had or wished I had would have worked given what I've been through and how I am oriented to the world.  But now our level of pain and hurt are different and that may be some of what is making our relationship feel so different. 
..........

Armee, I appreciate your thoughts and am sorry to hear about your husband's experience with his dad.  It is such a terrible and difficult thing.  I think that if I had a partner who was at different place of pain and hurt I would be more like what you describe.  That sounds so difficult and I appreciate you sharing your story.  Thank you for your kind words and for reading what I wrote.
..........

Today has been relatively ok.  I am reminded of how doing yoga postures helps me a great deal.  It's been hard to keep up with it while running so much.  I wonder if I can find ways to include more. 

My cat is annoyed having her foot covered.  In some ways it is better as I am not constantly considering how her paw looks but it's also not possible to tell if this is helpful.  I also still have to keep an eye on her as she tries to get the bandage off.  We go to the vet on Friday morning for a check so just need to get through a bit more.  Then we'll see if we are heading out of town or having a staycation. 

I worked a bit today to prepare some things that I need to do but won't have time for.  In doing this, I uncovered that my most challenging colleague decided to create a class, put my name on it, and put 11 students together.  I was so mad when I saw this.  I didn't agree to this.  I decided to let it digest a bit but then also decided to reach out to the principal.  I'm not sure how all this garbage is going to work out.  I know some of my stress is how I am going to deal with these folks. 

[rainydiary]

Today I am reflecting on the idea of "never enough." 

That is a message I feel I received growing up and no matter how hard I tried or what I achieved, it still wasn't enough to feel loved and accepted as I am. 

The idea of "never enough" came up through my YTT (in that it is something we are told to believe but isn't at all helpful).  I realized it applies to my work, how I am managing my cat, my marriage, to me. 

The "never enough" really pressed against a deep wound in me that something must be wrong with me or people wouldn't treat me the way they do. 

[CactusFlower]

:hugs:  I get where you're coming from, rainydiary, I resonate with that message, unfortunately. That and "can't do anything right" were two of the strongest that got embedded. Sometimes it surprises me to figure out how much they color everything I think and do.

I'm sorry your co-worker did that to you, it's completely unfair. I hope you can talk to the principal and make them understand you had no idea the person did that, did not agree, and don't have the bandwidth to actually do it. Especially to get students interested without even telling you they were doing it? That's just dismissive of everyone.