Rainy Diary 2021

[Armee]

Rainy I am so of you!!!!!
That must have been hard to do and really scary but ultimately protecting yourself from further abuse....including refusing to give them to opportunity to abuse you more over the real reason...speaks loads to your strength.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the support. 
..........
This day was so much and more comes up as I try to relax.

I shared my news with a person whose job is to support new employees in the building.  She also provides guidance to educators in their roles.  She and I talked a lot when I was new.  I have a complicated relationship with her which I was reminded of today.  Over time I stopped talking to her because I felt like she made things worse for me. 

In some ways she was/is supportive of me and helped me set up some things that were important (like presenting to the staff).  But she also has a way of doing things exactly the same as others in leadership.  She made a lot of assumptions about me and I know that her comments/opinions swayed a lot of things.

Today in talking to her she was regretful about me resigning but felt the need to emphasize there was nothing she could do to help me (she was fully aware of all the stuff I have been dealing with).  She also felt the need to explain how even she has to do her job in a way she doesn't prefer to meet the demands of the setting we work in.  She also said something like "I was just talking to someone this morning about how all the concerns we've been hearing are justified." 

I find all of this annoying.  I didn't need her gaslighting.  It would be cool if she would have asked my experience and opinion before "advocating" for me.  And its a little too late for my concerns to finally be believed.  The burden of dealing with my concerns was placed on me while being forced to sit near the people that harm me every day.  I read a blog called Ask a Manager and the author referred to a similar sounding management style as "Lord of the Flies" and that resonated with me (and made me laugh).

All these feelings coming up and just another signal to get out of there.  I am on my way out but the thought of stepping in there tomorrow is so unappealing. 

[sanmagic7]

i get it, rainy.  so sorry you have to go thru this.  i'm very glad you're getting out, and hoping your next place of employment is supportive of you.  you don't deserve less.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Sending you hugs today, Rainy. As you get through these difficult post-resignation days.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  Whatever work comes next, I will need to work to recalibrate what is "normal." 
..........

Armee, thank you.  These days are challenging for a number of reasons and I appreciate carrying your support with me.

.........

I am tired again today.  Part of me feels lighter already. 

But more parts of me feel shame.  I am gaslighting myself - "I could have done better.  People are being nice now.  Maybe I misunderstood." 

I'm tired of all the conversations I've been having.  I am telling everyone that I am moving (which is true) and that is making the conversations go relatively ok.  But it's hard. 

My husband shared a lot with me today.  I'm not used to him talking to me so much.  I'm glad for it but it is also exhausting.  And I take some of what he says really personally (even though it literally has nothing to do with me). 

So much to process. 

[Armee]

It is a TON to process, Rainy. And you are doing great. Your head is above water. You are recognizing that when you have thoughts that it is your fault or you are misunderstanding their actions that those thoughts are not true.

I can see how a change of routine with your hubby could be welcome and tiring. I bet it evens out after awhile.

[sanmagic7]

 

i agree - a ton to process.  love and hugs, rainy.

[rainydiary]

Armee & San, thank you.   
........

I am drained.  Today was tough at work. 

The day started off with a staff meeting where we had two mandatory trainings that were intense.  I hate the staff meetings in general because they are in a space that feels  cramped.  Also my colleagues are so rude.  They often have side conversations during the presentations (which is interesting behavior for teachers who expect students to listen to them). 

Then we had a lockdown drill.  These are horrible traumatic experiences.  I cried some during it.  It makes me consider if I want to continue working in schools because lockdown drills are things in schools in the US. 

During the lockdown, the lady that I call my ally and my most difficult colleague got into a heated conversation.  They were in an office with closed door but it was near where we were "hiding" during the drill and everyone could hear them.  Not the specific words but definitely the tone of the conversation. 

I then met with a student who is my favorite and telling him I was leaving was difficult.

After that I rushed to a nearby community college to have my fingerprints taken at their campus police office.  I messed up the card I was supposed to have them fill out.  They gave me a new card but I am hoping that the state agency for licensing accepts it.  It is also just rather unnerving to interact with police departments. 

The rest of my workday felt hectic and rushed.  While now also feeling brushed off and insignificant to my colleagues.  30 days is too long for a notice period. 

I am trying to relax this evening.  I think sleep will be the best medicine.

[Bach]

 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

I liked this observation

They often have side conversations during the presentations (which is interesting behavior for teachers who expect students to listen to them).

  blind spots!

my ally and my most difficult colleague got into a heated conversation.

That is horrible.

30 days is too long for a notice period.

Definitely. Not sure if you mentioned this before and i missed it, but really a long time.

Hang in, you're doing well.

[sanmagic7]

i have found side conversations like you mentioned extremely annoying.  those people are so disrespectful!  ugh!  

i looked up lockdowns in schools - hadn't the foggiest.  dang, so awful to have to prepare for something like that.  when i was in school we had atom bomb drills - either scoot under our desks or stand in the hall facing our lockers.  i imagine those teachers also had to meet in order to determine the best course of action (?) against a nuclear blast.  can't even imagine what that must be like, for faculty both now and then.  different fears, but both real all the same.  awful. 

hang tough, rainy, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with flowers - sunshiny daisies, and lilies of the valley to brighten your day, maybe a little at least.  i also wish the hugs could be real.

[Armee]

You deserve good rest. 30 days is much too long for the circumstance you are in, especially since you had planned to leave over the summer but were gaslighted into believing changes would be made to protect you.

[rainydiary]

Bach, much appreciated 
..........
Bee, thank you for your reflections.  I have a contract I sign for my job and in the contract it stipulates that I must give 30 days notice or else be expected to pay back some of my salary for not finishing out the contract.  I find this extremely petty and am honestly really annoyed....but I didn't want to pay back salary so am trying to adhere to their policy.
.........
San, I did wonder if folks would know what a lockdown drill is.  It is terrible.  There a clear indication when those are drills though - if we aren't told in advance then it means the real deal.  I don't think it is good for anyone that this is a thing we do in schools with developing humans.
.........
Armee, I agree 30 days is long.  I am sure from the perspective of the folks trying to hire for my replacement it isn't long enough, but  from me.
..........

I am feeling lighter in myself today.  I didn't feel as burdened when I ran.  My big event that I've been training for is 2 weeks from today.  I sincerely hope the temperature cools down by then - I am almost certain I won't be able to finish if it is too hot.  The heat and I do not agree and it isn't worth making myself ill over.

I did notice on my run my brain trying to generate arguments with people at work.  My brain is wanting me to stay at the elevated levels it's been at.  I tried to notice this and let it pass.  There are also elements of guilt still coming up and feeling responsible for what happens to the next person to take the job. 

As good as I feel, there are still other things to sort out.  I am worried about making it clear to my parents I am moving.  I am still planning to meet with my SIL tomorrow.  My in-laws still do their things trying to insert themselves in our lives.  Family is making me tired.

The more this family stuff presses against me, the more I want to retreat.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,  good luck with your SIL - i hope it goes well.

a thought on your replacement - maybe the next person will be different from you, more like the others, and will fit in beautifully.  personally, i think your guilt isn't necessary, at least not in this situation. let their little toxic 'family' continue on without you.  you don't need them anymore, and i'm very glad for you that you're getting out. 

as far as your lockdown drills go, i can see it affecting young people in 2 ways - either they are going to be filled with fear at the possibility of something bad happening, or they're going to be reassured that someone will be taking care of them if there is such a horrible event.  i don't know, maybe both.  to my mind, the worst of it is that schools find it necessary to acknowledge the threat is real and have to take steps to deal with it.  i remember when i worked w/ adolescents in a day care program and our first metal detector was put into play.  sure enough, one of my girls brought a switchblade to school.  i still have it.  i have no doubt she would've used it, too, if we hadn't found it.

keep taking care of you.  i think you're doing a very good job of that.  love and hugs, my dear.

[rainydiary]

San, I have been considering that maybe my exit will create space for someone really meant to be there that fits in well.  It was interactions and events in this job that guided me toward finally accepting and beginning to face my past. 

I appreciate your thoughts about the lockdowns.  We do live in a society where this type of planning and practice is needed.  I think it does impact each individual differently and that there is a chance all of this vigilance saves lives. 
..........

I am feeling emotional today. 

Yesterday was 20 years since a day that really changed the US.  What came to my mind today is that 20 years ago I was a high school senior.  Today I am in my 4th year in working at a high school (so a "senior" in some ways). 

I often wonder what brought me back to a high school.  Today I was considering that perhaps I am being given the chance to finally do what I wanted to do 20 years ago. 

20 years ago I wanted to make my own decisions and live in a certain part of the country.  My parents pushed an agenda on me and caused a lot of pain for me in my senior year.  I think they were afraid of my future and made things very difficult (in addition to all the stuff that had come before that). 

In the past week, I think I have broken the cycle started in high school.  I quit a job that is hurting me and am planning to move to the place I've wanted to go to since I was 14.  I am finally making my own decisions.

I still carry a lot of worry of how my parents will react.  I have told them we are moving but I think they tend to question and not believe me.  I haven't told them I quit my job because I know that will freak them out.  I wish I wasn't still so afraid of telling them about my decisions but I have reason for my fears. 

I will see my SIL and baby niece in a bit.  My husband is coming with me.  My brother messaged me yesterday and apologized.  I think that whatever was going on when he was being so rude was something with him.  I still don't know my brother well anymore but I hope our tentative relationship will remain as positive as it can be.