Rainy Diary 2021

[Blueberry]

In the past week, I think I have broken the cycle started in high school.  I quit a job that is hurting me and am planning to move to the place I've wanted to go to since I was 14.  I am finally making my own decisions.

These are big steps. Congrats!

I still carry a lot of worry of how my parents will react.  I have told them we are moving but I think they tend to question and not believe me.  I haven't told them I quit my job because I know that will freak them out.  I wish I wasn't still so afraid of telling them about my decisions but I have reason for my fears. 

You're moving along so fast and well in your recovery imo that when the time is right, you will lose your fear of telling your parents. I know how hard it can be to wait for such a time. It will come though, I'm sure. In the meantime I hope you can congratulate yourself on all you have managed.

I'm glad your brother apologised.    And that you will see your new baby niece and SIL soon.

[Armee]

I agree with bb that you will lose your fear of telling your parents when the time is right. What's more it can be a very healing step to take in standing firm to them in what you know is right for yourself. Their approval does.not.matter. I'm really excited for you to make this move!!!! 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you.  I appreciate the thought of how fast things are moving - Time and patience and gentleness are things that may feel supportive right now. 
.........
Armee, thank you for your support. 

..........

I am out of sorts today.  I am trying to find the motivation to go to work.  I have 4 long work weeks ahead of me.  That time will pass but it feels so long and painful.

I had intense dreams last night.  That is some of what makes today hard.   These dreams are primarily connected to my place in my menstrual cycle.  I wish I could stay home today but at this point that feels harder than just going and finishing my job.

The meeting with my SIL went fine yesterday.  I suppose that type of thing is what most people do.  I think it may be good for my husband and I find ways to socialize a bit more when we move.  I think he wants to socialize more than I do.  It will be important to find ways to do that that suit each of us. 

This morning when I woke I realized that anxiety isn't driving me for work anymore.  I hope to find a way to work where my motivation is something other than worry.  To date it has always been "what will keep others off my back and not mad at me." 

It was interesting last week the families that did not respond to my communication about me leaving.  The families that are constantly breathing down my neck about my "responsibility" to their child often catch me off guard with ghosting and gaslighting when something doesn't suit them to respond or deal with. 

I should get going and do my best.  This time will pass. 

[sanmagic7]

we'll be with you during the entire 4 weeks, rainy.  you're not alone.

glad the meet w/ your SIL went well.

"what will keep others off my back and not mad at me."

i think this speaks volumes about the toxicity of your workplace.  to have to continually go to a place where these fears are running the show is awful.  so very glad you're getting out, and more than that, going to live somewhere you've wanted to live from such a young age.  yeah!

keep up the good work, ok?  being out of sorts is part of the process, i think, and i agree that it will pass.  sending love and hugs, rainy.

[BeeKeeper]

rainy, 

Hope your day passes quickly in the workplace. I ditto everything san said as well, but especially like that you're going to a place you always wanted to be. 

[Armee]

Do your best, keep your head up, or down, wherever it feels best. It will be hard to get through these 4 weeks but San is right, you're not alone and we have your back. Right here.

Good job getting through the meeting with your SIL. You are right that it is what "normal" people do but only when and because they want to do it, not because they are forced to guilted into it.

[Blueberry]

Do your best, keep your head up, or down, wherever it feels best. It will be hard to get through these 4 weeks but San is right, you're not alone and we have your back. Right here.

(Sorry I keep quoting you Armee but it really helps me when I feel at a loss for words.)

In my country depending on how long you'd been at that particular company/school or whatever, you might have to tough it out even longer. But often in a case like yours, your doc will write you off sick for as long as feasible to get you out of the toxicity. Is that a) a possibility and b) feasible for you, as in something you could allow yourself to take advantage of?
Whatever, we're here for you 

[rainydiary]

San, Bee, Armee, & Blueberry - 
.........
Blueberry, I appreciate the thoughts.  I would imagine there are processes I could explore - I'm not going to given my read of the situation.  I think continued pressure on my employer would make matters worse for me.  That certainly isn't ok but I am in an ok, safe place for me. 
..........

I made it through the day.  It was ok just kind of weird.

I can tell the people that have written me off.  Very few people seem genuinely upset I am leaving.  That does not surprise me but it does hurt to feel like my work over the past three years has meant so little. 

Really though, humans adapt really quickly to new realities.  And this transition touches on all the moves I made growing up.  I feel forgotten by all the people I have known and remember.

I do also detect some vibes of "wow, one can choose to leave?"  I think there is some jealousy too. 

This is going to be a learning process and I am grateful for your support here. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

I agree, jealousy and envy.

"wow, one can choose to leave?"  I think there is some jealousy too.

when it's this bad, you know you're not the only one, just the one who took action.

[Libby183]

Rainy Diary.

I am just so very sorry to read about all you have been through at your work place. Your decision to leave sounds like it is absolutely the right thing to do.

I have worked in similar places, although health care rather than education. The culture was very similar, especially the toxic positivity.

My son is still dealing with the fallout of his five years in a toxic hospitality job. But he has a great job now, and I cannot believe how he has blossomed. I have found that my very low level cleaning jobs are perfect for me at this point in my life.

I think that we expect to much of ourselves, and this makes others so demanding of us.

I am hoping, and very hopeful that you will find peace and joy in the next chapter of your life.

[Armee]

 

3 weeks and 4 days!!!

[rainydiary]

Bee, for sure.  I have some colleagues that I know aren't satisfied.  I am curious what keeps them here.   
..........

Libby, I appreciate you sharing these experiences.  I hope to find a place where I thrive.  Thank you for your support.

.........

Armee, I definitely have a countdown.   
..........

I am noticing a lot of grief today. 

On my run this morning I felt sad at the thought of leaving.  There are beautiful mountains where I live and I will miss that view. 

I also feel grief at work.  I feel sad at the idea of leaving certain students I work with.  Otherwise, being here feels like such a waste.  HR sent me a message with my date of resignation and end date.  I suppose that documentation is helpful but it felt so final.  And yet I still have so many days to get through. 

I see my colleagues in a different way now that I am not trying to fit in.  It's more that I see through them and the facades they put up.  I have been struggling with the realization that what people say and what they actually want in my job don't line up and it is distressing to me because I am not sure how to address that in the future as it isn't only this job that has happened to me in. 

I will allow my grief.  And continue to see what I learn from this time. 

[Armee]

Giving a solid hug through your grief.

[Bach]

[rainydiary]

Armee & Bach, 
..........

Today has been difficult.  Nothing in particular happened.  The weight of being at work and the behavior of others is heavy. 

I had a colleague that I don't trust trying to get me to say more about why I am leaving.  I have told people from the day I resigned that I am moving due to a change in my husband's job. 

Is that the whole truth?  No.  Is our move urgent?  No.  Is that the business of anyone I work with?  No. 

I went outside today to talk to a colleague and an administrator came out.  Maybe their presence was unrelated to me but it made me feel so paranoid. 

Given those events I feel even more uneasy than I did before. 

From this point on I am going to say as little as possible to anyone.  I heard they have an interview for my position on Friday.  I hope they find someone quickly and decide I can go earlier than my end date. 

This will end but right now I feel worse and worse and worse about myself.