digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

it's 2021 now, a new year, a new journal.  it's been a terrible year for me in many ways, and i'm still plowing thru the gritty crapola that has tried to conquer me.  it hasn't yet, but it's sure given its best shot.  i've got so much yet to go, i really can't see me fully healing from it all, mainly cuz of my age - there just isn't enough time!  still, i haven't given up yet, altho there have been a few times when it's been a close call, and i'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, shovel in hand, hoping it all doesn't suck me under before i can get a strong foothold again.

my worst anniversary is coming up this week, the day when i went nc with D1.  absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done, and i think of her every day even tho i don't really want to know anything about her.  like i told my t last fri., i left the door open for her to have a respectful, adult relationship with me if she wants, and all she has to do is let me know.  this will be 6 yrs. that she has chosen, every day, not to do so.  6 yrs. of torture to a mother's heart.  my heart hurts just writing about it.  when i told her these conditions, she wrote me 3 emails, beginning 'i love you'. i was excited for a moment until i read the rest of the first one.  she called me the vilest names i've ever heard one person call another. 

i shouldn't have written this now - it's night, i've got to try to go to sleep.  i've just asked the powers that be to take care of her.  it's all i can do for her.  in the meantime, i am absolutely so very glad that my darling D2 is with me, and loves me, showing me patience and kindness every day.  i couldn't ask for more from her, and she keeps me alive and laughing.  that's about as good as my life can get at this point.  she is a jewel in my crown of life. 

[Not Alone]

San, my heart hurts for you and the pain that you experience in your relationship & and separation from D1. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  i really appreciate your compassion.      sometimes this is the one piece of this whole c-ptsd thing where i feel alone. 

[marta1234]

San, wanted to come by and say that I hear you and feeling your pain  Although I'm unable to relate, I still hope that you know that you are not alone in this, we all feel your pain as you describe. Sending you a safe, warm and big hug

[sanmagic7]

thank you, marta, for all your support, caring, and kindness.  i do know i'm not alone, that you all are here for me, wishing me the best.  sometimes it's one of the bigger pieces that keeps me going.  love that hug!

rough day yesterday.  didn't do any processing, but spent over an hour telling my t all the ins and outs of that narc t i was with for 8 yrs., who i eventually reported for breach of ethics to our state board.  it was harrowing to retell it, relive it, see it all play out again.  i felt wretched the entire day.  my t is absolutely disgusted w/ what that woman did to me, how she treated me and constantly put me in harm's way emotionally and mentally. 

i will watch some tv, don't know if i can write - i'm still kind of brutalized in the brain/mind area.  i put her back in the box w/ my ex and D1, but added some extra old clothes to cover her up even more forcefully.  ok, i'm out.

[Not Alone]

  didn't do any processing, but spent over an hour telling my t all the ins and outs of that narc t i was with for 8 yrs., who i eventually reported for breach of ethics to our state board.  it was harrowing to retell it, relive it, see it all play out again. 

That sounds like processing to me.

[Tee]

  I am glad you are still here San! I totally get the leaving the door open and hearing nothing but hate or crickets. I have a son my husband and adopted who's going to be 24. We had to do some tough love when he was 19 to help him grow up. We didn't hear from him for four years then he showed up to get his original birth certificate and things with his original name on it. Yelled and screamed using words that broke me too tiny pieces saying we were horrible parents for 45 minutes. He wanted the papers cause he was changing his name back. And now it's been almost another two years since that we haven't heard a thing. Hope he's still alive some where. All that said to say I feel your pain of a broken momma heart.💔 sending big hugs for love and comfort

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

when i say 'processing', i'm meaning i didn't do any emdr/eye movement processing.  that's very different to me than dredging up memories and examples.  but, i understand what you're saying.  even dredging up the muck takes brain energy, roils things up in my mind, and can be draining.  thanks for the support and the observation.

tee, so very sorry to hear that about your son.  so very sad.  i know you can relate to what i'm saying, but i wish you couldn't.  it's a very difficult and special kind of torture to have to live with. 

i did make a shift about my narc T yesterday, which is good.  it was as if a certain madness was relieved yesterday, and as i was sitting in back of our home, among the trees, i felt some of the madness from my relationship with her leave me.  i heard the words in my head - she's in the past, you don't have to be afraid of her anymore.  i think that was a big first step, but i don't think it's finished.  still, that new way of thinking is a good thing, i think.  such a novel concept.

the one very good thing i learned from her that has been a lesson for myself and my career is how NOT to be a therapist.  so, silver lining.  it's hard to believe, even today, how much harm she did to my mind and psyche, my personal perspective, and thru me, the harm i did to my family and people in other relationships.  she plucked me up, spun me around until i was dizzy to my bones, then placed me back on the ground, running in circles.  she was like a drill sergeant to me, forever knocking me down psychologically, one more time, one more time, one more time until i heard only her voice in my head, her expectations, her wishes.  she took me over.  i would've drank the kool-aid for her.

that last sentence frightened me, but since i wrote it, i know it to be true.  i've got a lot of work to do on that 'relationship' in all it's various forms.  whew!  ugly stuff - i want to throw up.

[sanmagic7]

tonite i am engulfed in the muck - we discovered today that our house is unlivable as it is.  someone finally came in, took a proper look at something we've been complaining about for over a year, found that the roof is faulty and the ceiling is full of rot and mold in my d's room.  the agent from the mgt. company came out after the repair guy called to tell her, and she had a proper look around at everything we've been complaining about since we moved in.  foundation is cracked in several rooms, the house is settling and producing cracks in ceilings, and my d can't even sleep in her room.  the agent said she'd call us by mon. to get someone out here to fix the roof properly.

i've decided if we don't hear from her by then, we may have a case for legal aid to help us out.  they've been trying to sell this house for way too much money, and since she saw everything that's wrong, she said it's unsellable.  well, it's also hazardous to our health and wellbeing, and i'm really pissed that we've been going thru all this for so long.  i nearly crumbled.  we knew it was sick, but i've been hoping against hope that it wasn't as bad as it is.  it's worse.  the maintenance man said it's unfixable, that it would have to be rebuilt from the bottom up.  i can't believe this owner has raked us over the coals for so long, we've been living under a threat that if we complained too much, the owner might sell it.  now that it's on the market, our fears disappeared, and we listed everything, showed her everything.  i'm just making it to tomorrow, when i'll have a session.  what a frucking nightmare!

so, at least we know.  dealing as best we can, but there it is.   

[Tee]

  Oh San I'm so sorry that royally sucks.  I hope you are able to take action against them and get things taken care of while maintaining some semblance of sanity.😔 Sending a big hopeful hug.

[Alter-eg0]

Oh man, that really sucks!!
I hope you guys can get something sorted. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee,

i've just gotten info from legal aid, wrote the mgt. company a scathing email about how extremely angry, concerned, and disappointed i am that things aren't even getting assessed as to what needs to be done, if we're going to get compensation cuz it's been a week tomorrow that my d hasn't been able to sleep in her bedroom, it being full of mold and rot and generally unsafe.  roofers were sposed to show up today, but they didn't the the agent never gave us a head up or responded to an email and text by my d at noon.

doing everything possible to hang onto my sanity, sweet tee - thanks for that.  i broke down twice today - it's just getting so hard to keep my head above water.  i also wrote that my d and are are now seeking professional help to deal with the mismanagement and ongoing stress because of it.  what a frickin' nightmare.  thank you so for your wonderful, caring hug.

hey, alterego, thanks for the well wishes.  much appreciated.  i can use all i can get.

so, just working on getting from one day to the next, sometimes one hour to the next.  using all the crutches at my disposal.  it's a good thing i don't drink anymore, cuz i doubt i'd be breathing any sober breaths lately.  we'll see if we get some kind of response tomorrow.  i told the agent she was nice, but things still aren't getting done on her watch, and what kind of compensation are we going to get for this situation?  we checked, the house is still up for sale, even tho she said, after looking at my d's room, that it's unsellable.  we're now in it for the fight, but it looks like we'll have to move.  hate that thought, but that's what it's getting to.  this is so stressful!

one good thing, we might have a deal on a car.  the neighbor's kid is going into the navy, leaving in about 5 days, is willing to maybe do a rent-to-own deal with us. 

we're having an inspector come in next week, do a full inspection of this house, see what's actually wrong with it.  a note from legal aid said we might be able to get the cost of the inspection taken off the rent.  i've lost my patience with this now, am pissed and getting sick about it.  not a good combo for me, cuz i want to fly off the handle.  my d keeps me in check - i won't send anything w/o her looking at it first.  good check and balance.

in the meantime, here's to meds, cigs, and food - my 3 crutches, on which i'm leaning heavily right now.  god, i hate this. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,

So much going on for you in your new Journal, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug (nice big one) 

Glad you have some good news amongst the more challenging things - great that you have a deal on the car.  I hope you get something positive back from your dealings with the mgt company.  Awful for your daughter to be unable to sleep in her bedroom because of the mod and rot.  Horrible.

Really hope there is some more lights ahead and more positive news for a way out that is workable.

Take care
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for that big hug, hope.  love it, love you

i'm already burned out from looking at legal info re: tenant-landlord rights and expectations. it's only 8 a.m.  i plan to call the city mgt. office, find out about code violations, and i want to write to the LL about getting an inspector in - looks like we might be able to have that cost taken off our rent.

grateful for all these little things, but the effort and energy to get them going just overwhelms me.  my d has to go back on unemployment cuz she lost another client due to the pandemic.

very scary yesterday when talking to the neighbors about the car. the kid (K) and his mom's boyfriend (BF) were talking to me about it, when suddenly the BF said he is so done with this virus, if he had his rifle, he'd shoot the governor of our state.  i am taking this in my stride, just said - i don't get into politics - after the K just said 'oh, he's talking politics'.  i've dealt with so many different kinds of people in my life, but have never heard someone threatening that they'd like to shoot someone.

i don't dare tell my d - she's already scared of this guy cuz she knows he has a gun.  i'm more comfortable around a rougher grade of people, but this one dinged me in the back of my mind.  so, let's just put someone to shoot a gov't official cuz he doesn't like the way she's managing this state's covid response.  just pile that on top of everything else.  yeah.

it may be a good thing to move after all.  on the other hand, with all the violence that has taken place in the name of politics this year, there is no guarantee that we won't be living next door to a violent person somewhere else.  this guy likes us, so i'm not afraid of him, and i can shmooze people with the best of them if i have to.  this may be our best bet for a car - he even said we could set up a rent-to-own deal, and there's no rush.  the K will basically hold it for us.  i'll take my resources where i can find them - it's been my motto for a long time.  it's like wading through the jungle, with all the snakes and poisonous insects and wild animal threats to get to the pot of gold.  i'll do what i have to to get what i need.  i'm on a mission (when i have the energy for it).

[Bach]