digging out of the muck

Started by sanmagic7, January 18, 2021, 05:32:01 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

sanmagic7

hi, beekeeper, thanks so much for the validation and support.  so appreciated!   :hug:

hey, armee, what you wrote sounded so very similar to how i've been feeling, and my t noted the same thing about me that you said - yeah, you used to be able to cope with all that, but the cost to you was enormous.  also, same thing about being numb, no emotions, just taking care of everybody's problems. so, sounds like you and i have a lot in common on that point.  she also told me that we may work on blending those two 'me's' , take the best of each one and kind of meld them together into a different version.  that sounded like a good idea.  and, also, thanks for the extra hug - it really soothed my heart and head.  so very kind and thoughtful.   :hug:

dear hope, i so appreciate the reminder to be gentle with me and to pace myself.  so very important.  thank you so much for your thoughts about me and my life, too.  you have a lot of wisdom, and i love when you let it out.  your opinions are always welcome in my life.  loved the big hug and the compliment as well.  you are wonderful. :hug:

it seems that most of the nightmare is relatively over, but now we have to deal with the crash of not being in crisis mode - it's been nearly a year of having the threat hanging over us that the owner of the house we lived in was put it up for sale, and all that meant - we had to allow strangers in our house during the pandemic if anyone wanted to take a look at it, we lived under the possibility that if someone bought it, they could put us out on the street in 3 months if they didn't want us as renters (and, in this case, our lease would be broken and there'd be nothing we could do about it), the roof had to be repaired and my D couldn't sleep in her room for 2 months, and the electricity turned out to be in such disrepair that it posed an actual fire hazard.

anyway, then came the move, the loss of our car after 4 months, loss of revenue cuz we couldn't get to the farmers mkt. w/o a car, having to continue to pay for a car we could no longer use - just one nightmare after another for way too long.  i know i'm repeating myself, but sometimes i just need to write this stuff down until i can get it out of my head and gone.  my knee is now tweaked, probably because of the stress we've been under, both my D and i are exhausted, we've come down with ailments that make no sense except that the amt. of stress we've been living under has thrown our bodies completely out of whack.

happily, we are both enjoying the apt. now, we've got the use of a neighbor's car for a month so we'll be able to get to the farmers mkt. 4 weekends,  my D has a friend who will probably be willing to come out once a month so we can get to a food pantry and do other little errands for a day.  we got more money back from our security dep. on the house, so we have enough to pay off the car.  we just have to rest, relax, allow ourselves to recover.  i've gone to the gym a few times and loved it, so that's going to be a regular part of my schedule.  we have a 3rd floor walk-up, which is where the knee thing gets tricky, but i'm resting it today, have it wrapped, and keep ibuprofen doing its thing for the inflammation.

i'm more hopeful about life in general than i have been in a very long time.  we're saving money to buy another car, so hopefully our book sales will allow that pot to swell.  we might lease a car - we'll see how that goes, what info we can get about it.  still plenty on our plates, but a lot has finally been finished.  gotta research the junkyards, see if they'll pick the car up and give us a little money for parts.  and, finish unpacking.  that's a project in itself cuz there isn't nearly as much storage space here, no enough room space as we had at the house, so i've been nailing crates to the wall to serve as shelves.  i've done a few, and they look pretty rustic, but i like that look so i'm ok with it.

all in all, i think we're out of the worst of it.  unfortunately, every single little thing sends me spiraling.  xanax and food have helped keep me afloat for now.  i'm looking forward to the time when that can get to a place of normalcy.  geez, i barely know what that looks like anymore.

so, just writing this has now gotten me exhausted.  thank you all for your ongoing support, care, and concern.  you have all helped tremendously, and i love and appreciate all of you so much.  one day i'll be able to contribute to others here as well.  just not today, except thanks! :grouphug:

Armee

 :hug:

San, it can take such a very long time to go from a place of uncertainty and chaos and fear to feeling safe feeling stable. I find too there are subtle repercussions to letting go too fast. So I kinda think it's ok to release it slowly and ease into your new life after everything that happened. Slowly you will get to that place of peace where you can ease back out of reliance on food and xanax.  :grouphug:

sanmagic7

my dear armee, wise words, indeed!  thank you for them - they make so much sense, and i believe you are absolutely correct.  this is going to take time, probably more than i figured on, more than i want to recover from this past year.  my knee is now tweaked, and i have to be extra slow and careful going up all these stairs.  that kind of physical thing knocks my socks off.  my D has always bragged about how her 73 yr.-old mother can walk farther than she can, but now i have to let myself be as old as i am and take those steps one at a time instead of one after another. 

i kind of thought that after i got here i'd be so full of new energy that those stairs would merely be good exercise.  altho my legs have always been strong, all of this has taken more of a toll than i bargained for.  i need to just be my age, take my time, let myself be a senior with a senior body.  it hurts my heart to even write that, but, there it is.  thank you, armee, for allowing me to take the time i need at the pace i need.  i don't have to prove anything anymore.  i made it here, made it thru, and am still alive, even if battered and torn right now.  your words are an inspiration to me to let myself by older, and all that comes with that.  invaluable, and a huge breakthru for me. :hug:

BeeKeeper

dear san,
Quotenow i have to let myself be as old as i am

a lesson which is  :blink: I've spent the last 2 years thinking about this very same thing. Stairs, the unavoidable element of life. I feel for  you. Stairs knocked me out 8 years ago, so I know what you're taking about.

I'd like to jump back one post and say how thoughtful and kind it was for you to give a one year summary of your life, and how the move, the car and the various issues impacted you. It know it takes a lot to write that, almost like re-living it as you type. The solutions and answers will come, maybe in unexpected ways. Take a "be kind to san" weekend.

Armee

#124
Recovery just takes time, and after honoring your older body with the rest it needs I'm sure you will bounce back with the energy you were expecting.

Now, I boldly stand still to take the retort I surely deserve. Young whippersnapper lecture ME?  ;D

sanmagic7

hey, beekeeper,

you know, i was looking forward to those stairs, now i'm apprehensive about them.  i do believe this happened with my knee due to the stress we've been under, and i've been resting it the past couple days.  thanks for the support about what i've written - in retrospect, altho it was difficult to write and kind of relive it all, i also feel like it helped get those lingering maggots of thought about it all out of my head.  it made room for the future, in a sense.  and, i did what you suggested - i'm having a 'be kind to san' several days, and it has felt good.  thanks for the suggestion.  :hug:

armee, i was shocked to read what you said about me giving you a proverbial slap upside the head! :no:  absolutely no thought of the kind went thru my mind.  you don't deserve anything of the sort for sharing an opinion - never!  i didn't see what you said as a lecture, either.  i appreciate anyone's point of view, thoughts, opinions no matter their age.  everyone here has been thru difficult, challenging, hurtful situations and relationships, and i welcome any insight people have gained along the way.  i need reminders, too, and i'm glad of them.  thank you for acknowledging my situation and suggesting i honor my older body.  never thought of it that way - it was a golden nugget you gave me, and i'm grateful for that. :hug:

still in crash mode, but i think it's getting better, at least a little, every day.  this will take time, patience, and a slowed-down pace.  i'm working on adjusting to that, including the stairs.  i've got to get it into my head that it's ok to go slow - dang, i've earned it!  i've waited for people all my life, i guess it's ok for others to wait for me now.  happily, my D is extremely patient with me, always has been, so opposite of her sister.  that thought just jumped its rails and landed at the forefront of my mind.  it breaks my heart.

watched the opening ceremony of the olympics, and i cried nearly all the way thru it.  seeing all those athletes from every corner of the world gathered together in one place - that's how the world is supposed to be.  i thought it was brought home by the singing of 'imagine'.  and, the young woman, naomi osaka, who lit the torch is a tennis player i've been watching since she came on the scene a few years ago.  she's been an activist for human rights, and has had to miss matches because of depression after press conferences where the journalists ask the same crap every time.  it really puts a lot of pressure on the athletes, it's part of their contracts, and she decided to go against their expectations in order to protect her own mental health.  brava!  she was fined and not allowed into the next tournament if she wouldn't speak to the press, so she pulled out of it.  i think it was absolutely courageous to do such a thing, and she's now raised awareness for mental health issues and how they need to be cared about and cared for. 

today, i'll give the knee a try, go for a walk, see what happens.

oooh, my t told me yesterday i was an empath.  it kind of knocked me out of my socks because i immediately thought of the expectations that might go along with that.  i have been sensitive all my life, have cried with impunity until that got mocked out of me and i didn't cry for about 30 years.  now i cry all the time about stuff, but the idea of being an empath, well, that was  kind of new.  i've been told here on the forum that i'm empathetic,, but it didn't hold much water.  i've known what words to say to people who are struggling because of being a therapist, but before that, i was impatient with people who were scared or hurting.  the impatience has left, and the empathy is now real, but i wonder if that, too, had to be buried in order to survive.  this stuff is certainly weird at times.


Armee

Quotebut the idea of being an empath, well, that was  kind of new.  i've been told here on the forum that i'm empathetic,, but it didn't hold much water.  i've known what words to say to people who are struggling because of being a therapist, but before that, i was impatient with people who were scared or hurting.  the impatience has left, and the empathy is now real, but i wonder if that, too, had to be buried in order to survive.  this stuff is certainly weird at times.

I often find I can't see my true nature, or believe it when it is pointed out to me. And as I'm typing this...I'm realizing probably that the core of who we are....those most important things...are the one's we would need to hide and protect the most n circumstances like ours, until even we lose sight of them. But other people can still see it and remind us.

How you express your empathy here may be aided by having the training and experience of a therapist, but the empathy behind them is you. I never feel like they are empty words you've been trained to use. They feel like an enormous hug from a loving mom-like figure. The words without the empathy would lie flat. Your words bring tears to my eyes.

____

It's striking how different your experience of your two daughters has been. I'm very very happy you have a warm understanding relationship with your daughter and I see how much you support her and she supports you and that is the mother you are. Sometimes people just come out different and nothing we do or try can change that.

Let us know how your knee does today with your walk! I hope it goes well and brings some encouragement.

And I know, San, you would not want to smack me for sharing a thought. You are too kind for that. That was my insecurities speaking and I need to learn to keep those where they belong!!  :hug:

sanmagic7

quick reply, armee.

thanks for your kind words.  i totally agree with you that the most precious parts of ourselves have had to be stashed away until we're not aware of them anymore. it's only by working this recovery gig that i'm getting a glimpse of who i truly am.

and, if i may, i think it's ok to let your insecurities out here.  you can get reinforcement and support in spite of them, which may help healing that part go faster until they, themselves, fade away and don't bother you anymore.  like you said, you can get the words of reassurance and reminders of who you are, how others see the parts not visible to you yet.

my knee did fine on the walk, thank you, and i went up the stairs slowly, using only my other knee for the lifting part.  still healing, but better.  argh, stress sucks! :hug:

writing the words 'the most precious parts of ourselves' really struck a bell with me.  the more i thought of it after i wrote it, the more i completely believe it.  we did have to hide our truths, which are the precious parts of ourselves, or get shredded because of them.  if nothing else, this forum is filled with the bravest survivors i've never met.  we are so precious, each of us in our own way.  i love us!

Armee

Hi San.  :hug:

How's the knee and everything else?

Armee

 :hug:

Thinking about you even though you aren't up for posting.

BeeKeeper

Happy Tuesday san,

Quotemy t told me yesterday i was an empath.
Good stuff! It might have set off validation for what you already knew. The recognition or "label" can be a mixed bag, as you say. The expectations, but also society's reaction to your expression. (Being mocked) To me, the bottom line is the capability and the willingness to FEEL. Some people do, a lot of people don't. For those that do, it's difficult to rein in because a lot of acceptable communication shuns feelings, and shared feeling.

You probably didn't need someone to tell you, I'm glad your T did. They recognize a gift and talent that are special and unique. Somewhere, long ago, inside baby san, there was a flower that bloomed. It's still blooming. 


sanmagic7

thanks armee and bee for the care and support. :hug: :hug:

battling the heat, had a ptsd experience - very different than c-ptsd - but have also had a couple wins lately.  right now i'm still too tired and hot to say much here.  love to all.

Hope67

Love to you too SanMagic  :hug:

Hope  :)

sanmagic7

dear hope, thanks so much for the love you sent.  it warmed my heart.  back atcha!   :hug:

having a difficult time getting back to some sense of normalcy.  hard to believe how long this is taking.  the whole car thing - we have to give our friend's car back in 2 weeks - paying off the car that doesn't work, waiting for the title so we can haul it off to a scrapyard for parts, - is still up in the air and bothersome.  energy is so low, fatigue is rampant, relaxation is difficult.  at least we really do like our apt. and its location, and we got some kudos from the farmers mkt. for our books, so that's another plus.  but honestly, it's all either of us can do to make it thru the week.


Armee

Making it through the week is a fine enough accomplishment and one I am grateful you are able to do.  :hug:

I wish some car fairy would drop another car in your lap to take that fear and burden away!

I am really happy though, San, that you like the apartment and the farmers market is appreciative of the books. Everything else will (slowly) fall into place. You're not alone in things taking longer than we wish.  :grouphug: