notalone and hope, thank you for the caring hugs. love and hugs back to you.
2 nites ago my mex. H called - he's in the hospital w/ a broken wrist, will have surgery on it tues. to put pins in it. this has been his worst fear for a long time - he got polio when he was 3, has been on crutches since he was 6, one leg is useless so his shoulders, arms, wrists, and hands are imperative to be usable. i feel so bad for him, it's so depressing to me for him to feel like a cripple for the first time in his life - he was a whiz on crutches, kept up with the rest of the guys he hung with - his only defeat was not being able to play baseball. now, he's totally depressed, trying to tough it out, but he's gone thru so much and now this.
we put in an offer on the house today, and the stress has been enormous getting to this point. both my d and i have felt so trapped in this limbo of having our fate in someone else's hands. it has continually triggered me back to so many different kinds of toxic relationships - marriages, family, friends, where they always had a secret agenda behind their words. i tried to do some processing w/ emdr today on that trapped feeling, but, even tho i got a clear image of a mime trapped in an invisible box, my mind immediately went to a very dark and scary place, and i had to stop.
these triggers have been unraveling me, constantly reminding me of the continual battles i've fought to have a decent life in a decent relationship, only to have been denied, dismissed, demeaned, manipulated . . . you know the drill. this morning, i'd gotten to the point that i just wanted out of this place and away from these people - the owner and the property mgt. company that pulls the strings for him. i felt hate for all of it. later, we sent the offer, the corporate woman we've been working with was very impressed w/ how my d had written up the offer, how much research she'd done, the presentation and wording of it. now, it's totally out of our hands. we have very little financial wiggle room cuz we'll have to use some of the loan for repairs.
argh, my eyes hurt, my mind doesn't function very well lately, i've felt miserable more often than not, both physically and emotionally. too many years of trauma heaped on top of each other and i've barely got room to breathe anymore. confusion has come back more often than not, and my brain can't process thoughts, words are lost, i can't make connections very easily. hopefully, this will be done and over with soon. this morning w/ my t, i knew i'd reached my limit for bearing any more trauma that's come with this house and its owner. and my H on top of it -