digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

thank you, bach, for those lovely warm hugs!

it's the weekend, nothing to do, can't get hold of anyone. we sent the most recent email to the mgt. co. yesterday, both to the agent and the co. itself - no response.  we took pictures of the wetness along the wall, which is simply not sealed, so all the water comes in, is held in the carpet. the hole in the ceiling is covered, but we uncovered it to take a pic of the rot and mold growing there.  it's been over a week with nothing done, rent is due on the 1st.

this feels like another battle i'm in, so is extremely triggering, like my entire life has been one battle after another.  we're fighting for this because we want to make sure we've done everything possible to make this dream come true before we throw in the towel and call it quits.  feels like all the relationships i've been in - i've stayed and fought until i was forced out by the continuing abuse, denial, dismissiveness, gaslighting - all those goodies i'd been taught to endure, even if it left me a broken wreck. this is exactly the same.

i  stayed too long, perhaps, but even through all those, i wanted to make sure that i gave it my all, that i would feel clean about having to leave cuz it was impossible to stay any longer.  my d feels the same, and she brought it up to me the other day. i was glad she was seeing it that way cuz i've gotten quite worried about her. the stress has caused physical problems for both of us now, and we're trying to keep our anxiety/panic down about symptoms we're experiencing. 

the inspector is coming wed. at least he'll tell us exactly what the damage is and what that means for us as to whether or not we should even attempt to buy this place. all we can do now, i guess, is wait.  i'm going to see about the possibility of this being a legal case, and if we can find a lawyer that we can afford - there's a possibility my income is just under the level needed to qualify for a pro bono lawyer from legal aid, but i'm not sure.  i may be just over the edge, and my d's income is only a tiny bit more than mine.  it's too gruesome and wearing to think on this anymore.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

i can feel the care behind those hugs, blueberry.  thank you so.

cried again today.  this is so unlike me.  i think what the neighbor said about wanted to shoot the governor cuz of covid shook me more than i realized.  i saw a former neo-nazi who has reformed and now does outreach with others to help them get over the hate.  he said that his group and others like he used to be would look for the 'potholes' in people, especially ex-military, cops, and anyone else who felt unheard, and he and his group would fill their 'potholes' with hate.  it made my blood run cold that this is so organized, so based on psychological wounds that are still gaping open, and then are methodically filled with racism, bigotry, and hate.  i burst into tears that he found his way out and is now doing his best to undo his own way of thinking and reaching out to others in order to help them do the same.

i've often thought i was too sensitive for this world, and during these past few months of anxiety-ridden news, filled with pure hatred for others, spurred on by people of privilege and power, it is now completely depressing to me to see and hear what's happening, the threats to peoples' lives and families for looking or thinking differently.  i am so sad, the depression hit me hard today, and i got so angry at everything going on in our country, in our world, and in this house business, i actually pushed our old tv off a chair onto the garage floor as hard as i could, screeched some primal scream that came out on its own.  my d was there, she said it was ok if i did it, and quite honestly, it felt so good to physically exert myself, yell at the top of my lungs, the warrior woman spirit to the fore.

earlier, i watched the end of 'on the waterfront' - marlon brando in a very powerful roll - about doing what's right, standing up to the bullies, standing up for yourself no matter what the threat.  it nearly brought me to my knees in its strength and power, and i cried and cried over the treatment, the hateful vibes being thrown out into the universe because people are doing the right thing.  i don't understand, but i do know i don't belong here.  still, it caused a stirring inside me to keep fighting, and i'm glad i saw it.  excellent timing, but my depression is hitting me hard again.  the pressure is constant, the stress is unrelenting, the anxiety is ever higher, and the want for peace grows stronger every minute. 

i long for my hippie days and flowers in my hair.

[Elphanigh]

San, I wanted to stop by and send you so much love and compassion  I have read a lot of this journal (although not all of it yet), and all of that is so much to go through. Being sensitive in the world as it is now is painful and beyond words (I get it so much). I don't have other words but sending you all of love I can. Remember the EMS is always there with you as a warm, comforting presence and maybe even a place to hide away in every now and then.

[Not Alone]

this feels like another battle i'm in, so is extremely triggering, like my entire life has been one battle after another.  we're fighting for this because we want to make sure we've done everything possible to make this dream come true before we throw in the towel and call it quits.  feels like all the relationships i've been in - i've stayed and fought until i was forced out by the continuing abuse, denial, dismissiveness, gaslighting - all those goodies i'd been taught to endure, even if it left me a broken wreck. this is exactly the same.

The situation with your house would be highly stressful to almost anyone. That it hooks into so much pain. . . the weight of that much be so much. Love to you, San.

[Bach]

Thinking of you, san 

[sanmagic7]

thank you el, notalone, and bach, for all your caring and kindness   

i'm tired of life, just want it to be over.  all these games these people play have been killing me.

[Snowdrop]

I've just caught up with your journal, San. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It makes me want to wrap you up in a big soft blanket of safety.

[Blueberry]

Thought of you today san and just want to send a caring 

[Not Alone]

San, I care about you too. 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, blueberry, and notalone, i can't express how much your caring and support mean.  thank you so very, very much.   

still in limbo, still feel trapped. i talk to my t 2x/wee, and we're just trying to help me stabilize. the man who owns this house is only in it for the money, and i've had too much experience over the years with relationships that are filled with game-playing.  i see this happening now, i'm hopeless about this place in particular, but i continue to get from day to day to support my d.  it's probable to me that we will be moving, and all that comes with it.  this has been such a horrible 6 months since the house went up for sale.

we're still looking at the roof to get finished - my d hasn't been able to sleep in her room for over a month - and then someone has to come in to finish the ceiling. in the meantime, the owner now wants his own inspector to come thru (apparently, ours wasn't good enough), and we're still waiting for an electrician to fix a hazardous electrical situation.

that's an awful lot of 'stills'.  i'm so exhausted.

[Not Alone]

San, it's good to hear from you. I've been thinking of you. I'm sorry for the many heavy burdens that you are carrying.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug 
I hope they've made some progress with the electrical stuff, and that you're safer in your living space. 
I hope you are ok.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

notalone and hope, thank you for the caring hugs.  love and hugs back to you.

2 nites ago my mex. H called - he's in the hospital w/ a broken wrist, will have surgery on it tues. to put pins in it. this has been his worst fear for a long time - he got polio when he was 3, has been on crutches since he was 6, one leg is useless so his shoulders, arms, wrists, and hands are imperative to be usable. i feel so bad for him, it's so depressing to me for him to feel like a cripple for the first time in his life - he was a whiz on crutches, kept up with the rest of the guys he hung with - his only defeat was not being able to play baseball.  now, he's totally depressed, trying to tough it out, but he's gone thru so much and now this.

we put in an offer on the house today, and the stress has been enormous getting to this point.  both my d and i have felt so trapped in this limbo of having our fate in someone else's hands.  it has continually triggered me back to so many different kinds of toxic relationships - marriages, family, friends, where they always had a secret agenda behind their words.  i tried to do some processing w/ emdr today on that trapped feeling, but, even tho i got a clear image of a mime trapped in an invisible box, my mind immediately went to a very dark and scary place, and i had to stop.

these triggers have been unraveling me, constantly reminding me of the continual battles i've fought to have a decent life in a decent relationship, only to have been denied, dismissed, demeaned, manipulated . . . you know the drill.  this morning, i'd gotten to the point that i just wanted out of this place and away from these people - the owner and the property mgt. company that pulls the strings for him. i felt hate for all of it.  later, we sent the offer, the corporate woman we've been working with was very impressed w/ how my d had written up the offer, how much research she'd done, the presentation and wording of it.  now, it's totally out of our hands.  we have very little financial wiggle room cuz we'll have to use some of the loan for repairs.

argh, my eyes hurt, my  mind doesn't function very well lately, i've felt miserable more often than not, both physically and emotionally.  too many years of trauma heaped on top of each other and i've barely got room to breathe anymore.  confusion has come back more often than not, and my brain can't process thoughts, words are lost, i can't make connections very easily.  hopefully, this will be done and over with soon.  this morning w/ my t, i knew i'd reached my limit for bearing any more trauma that's come with this house and its owner.  and my H on top of it -

[Blueberry]

I thought of you just today san. I just skim-read your post, sry. But here's