digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

it's a weird phenomenon, to my mind.  still, i guess all that crap had to sit and wait somewhere until i was settled enough for it to show itself.  just part of the process, i guess, albeit not my favorite part.  sorry you know it.  thank you for your kindness.

had to write this out.  this morning, finally, i felt good enough to get back to the gym.  there was a notice on the door that masks are required, so i put mine on.  turns out there were 2 guys in there taping one's workout - neither had masks on.  i went to a farther machine trying the situation out, but, nope.  it felt too unhealthy for me - it's not a big gym, we were 6 ft. distanced, but it was enclosed, so the risk felt too great.  i had to leave cuz other people refused to follow the rules and caused my health and well-being to be compromised.

usually i say something, but  with the atmosphere re: mask-wearing so volatile, i didn't feel safe or comfortable enough.  i just want to cry cuz of not being allowed to to do something that is not only good for me physically, but mentally/emotionally as well simply because of inconsideration by others.  i've worked really hard at staying safe and healthy thru all this.  ugh!!!   

[Kizzie]

Well this makes my blood boil San I must say.  Considering some of the volatile tantrums & protests I've seen online I hear you about not wanting to say anything.  Grrrrr   

[sanmagic7]

thank you, kizzie, for backing me up on this.  honestly, it's freakin' scary out there, the way people have acted over this mask thing.      i appreciate your support on this a lot! 

[Armee]

 

That just sucks San. I hope there is another time today you'll feel motivated to head back and see if there are people respecting the mask signage. Either way....props to you forbgetting to the gym!!!!

[Blueberry]

Well this makes my blood boil San I must say. 

Sometimes I say something and sometimes I don't. It depends on how strong I'm feeling internally, I guess.
Anyway I can certainly understand NOT saying anything. I feel annoyed too when other people don't follow the rules. I'm sorry you had to leave something you were looking forward to doing, san. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the props, armee, as well as the support. very appreciated.

thank you, blueberry, for the support.  i'll try again tomorrow, i hope.  the thing about saying something is that in this country, people are getting into physical fights and even being shot for upholding mask mandates.  these were 2 young, fit guys, and even if there was nothing physical going to happen, i didn't want to hear anything neg. or harsh coming at me.   

when i think about it, gym protocol also requires that you put your time in at a station so that if someone else wants to utilize the equipment there, it's available in a timely manner.  these 2 were hanging out in front of several machines, chatting, camera equipment barring the way as well.  there would have had to be confrontation on several levels for this particular situation.  nope, not feeling strong enough to take all that on.  don't know if i ever would be. 

i've been thinking of EF's lately.  with all the triggers i experience, i'm surprised . . . no, wait.  i got triggered by a show last nite, and i immediately felt distressed, and kind of went into freeze mode.  just sat very still while the sequence was being played out.  i guess that would be a form of an EF.  i was surprised, tho, that i didn't go running out of the room for a xanax.  maybe some of my therapy is working.  it was very uncomfortable to watch it, tho, as it referred to a father and his D's, and i thought of my ex and my girls.  actually, it's disturbing me right now to write about it, so i'll stop.

[Armee]

 

That trigger sounds very upsetting, San. I hope that one day all this stuff loses its power and leaves you in peace.

[owl25]

Hi san, the gym situation sounds quite upsetting. I'm not sure if you'd be up for this, but maybe you could call and make a complaint about it, so that the gym might address it? That way you do not have to confront the offenders yourself. Hopefully tomorrow goes better.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks for the validation and support.  much appreciated.  it was pretty bad.   

owl, wise words.  actually, i was able to go to the gym this morning with no problem.  if it happens again, tho, i will take your advice and call the office.  thanks. 

quite a good session yesterday.  i've been stuck in the 'i used to be able to do this' loop', referring to how much i managed 30 and 40 yrs. ago, and feeling weak because i can't do the same now.  my T suggested i might be feeling disappointed in myself.  i told her, no, that feeling never reared its head.  i guessed it went along with not feeling shame or otherwise getting down on myself.  i finally figured out that this went back to never being able to please my dad cuz i wasn't perfect (heaven knows i tried - i was the best little girl all my life), but still not accepted unconditionally.

along with that piece came the realization that i couldn't allow neg. feelings about myself because always falling short of pleasing my dad was all i could take.  his judgment, his perspective, his expectations of me were too distressing already.  i believe that i couldn't feel any more negativity toward myself by myself or i would drown.  this was a sobering thought, but it made sense as to why feelings like fear, hurt, pain, etc. were absent for me after i grew up.  absolutely couldn't be allowed, couldn't have them there cuz it would be more than i could cope with.

that acceptance piece was key.  i haven't been able to accept myself as being different than i was 30 or 40 yrs. ago.  of course i'm not going to be able to manage things like i did.  she also told me that these were some huge things i was dealing with, and i didn't understand - they didn't seem as huge as everything i'd gone thru w/ my first T, my ex, and D1.  she told me that if i have an emotion about something, it's huge.  i guess that's cuz i normally haven't had such disturbing feelings most of my life.  she also told me that now that i'm getting some of my feelings/emotions back, it's actually making me stronger.  what a foreign concept!

my D2, w/ whom i live, told me she likes this 'me' better than the woman who did everything all the time in the past.  as i write this, it strikes me that the past mother she knew was all about these crises, etc., and she got lost in the mix.  now that i'm not doing doing doing all the time, i do have more time just to be her mom, someone she was missing a lot while growing up.

i've been on the 'fix, help, be there for others' bandwagon so long, it's a little difficult to understand how very much i've ignored myself, my wants, needs, boundaries, etc.  growing into myself now is strange.  so is getting to know, accept, and like myself at such fundamental levels.   whew!  what a ride!

[Kizzie]

i've been on the 'fix, help, be there for others' bandwagon so long, it's a little difficult to understand how very much i've ignored myself, my wants, needs, boundaries, etc.  growing into myself now is strange.  so is getting to know, accept, and like myself at such fundamental levels.   whew!  what a ride!

I love the phrase "growing into myself" San, it really resonates.  Like you my ride is still bumpy in spots, but there are these wonderful times when a beautiful vista comes into view, more often these days thankfully and I hope the same is true for you.  Your daughter sharing that she likes the you you're letting out seems like one of those moments. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, kizzie.  after that session w/ my T, i actually felt a ripple of joy run thru me, something i've only experienced once in my life that i know of - the day D1 took her first step.  right now i'm feeling hopeful, another feeling that's been elusive in my life.  here's to more of the beautiful vistas, less of the bumps. 

[Dante]

As I read your post about doing, I related.  I constantly stay busy to distract myself from something awful like feeling.  I've found that if I let myself just be without doing, the feelings of peace and hope are very scary and overwhelming.  I don't know how to process those kinds of feelings, I'm not wired for it.  It just turns into hypervigilance because then I' feel like I missed the sign that told me what bad thing was about to happen.

To do or to be.   Doobeedoobeedoo.  :-)

[Armee]

Your post is one of the most beautiful things I have read, San. What your daughter said to you, how you are able to be the mom she needs right now, how you can take that all in and make connections. Beautiful.

And I relate a lot to what you wrote about your relationship with your dad and not letting yourself feel certain things because it would be too much. I know that feel well. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, dante,

i guess i'm in the process of finding the balance between doing and being and feeling.  my T and i have discovered that, since i haven't had most feelings for most of my life, when i do sense one now it can be overwhelming all on its own and needs to be processed separately.  hence, our decision to take tiny (instead of small) pieces of my past to process at any one time.  also, so much of my 'doing' was wrapped around constant crises becuz of my ex, my D1, and my first T.  at that time i wasn't really distracting myself, at least not consciously, but dealing with life, death, and sanity issues in my family.  didn't have the feelings at the time to distract myself from (alexithymia).  thank you so for responding.  that hypervigilance thing is a terrible burden to carry.

awww, armee.  so sweet, what you wrote.  thanks.  yeah, i think the dad/feelings thing began when i was very young, probably pre-verbal, and it affected me most of my life.  i've read over and over on the forum how people feel ashamed, guilty for their past and what happened to them, or live with fear and anger all the time, and i absolutely can't relate.  like dante said, i haven't been wired for them.  however, w/ the help of my T of late, we are re-wiring my brain in order to allow those feelings to rise to the surface.  it's quite frightening to be overwhelmed by them (there i can feel the fear).   

triggered by the heat again, kept the place as cool as i could yesterday, which helped.  went straight to an EF the day before, which was not fun. 

i've begun working on my next book again the past couple days, and that's felt good.  i so enjoy it, writing, and this is a dream come true.  literally.  i can remember talking to an addictions counselor back in the early 90's about dreaming of one day publishing a book.  well, it took 30 yrs. or so and a few false starts, but it happened.  i'm now in the process of writing my 4th book - have to wait till my D has enough time and energy to edit and get it out on the market - but this is something, my 3rd career, as it were, begun when i was 70.  never give up on your dreams!

because of the alexithymia, i was never very creative mentally.  never made up stories to tell my D's when they were young - didn't have the imagination part.  i think therapy has truly helped free up that part of my brain, as well as eliminating the toxic people and also  living with my kind and gentle D.  little by little, i'm coming to trust that she will truly be there for me, will not leave me on my own for a relationship w/ someone else, and does accept me w/ my shortcomings as well as my strengths.  she's very proud of my literary venture, and that feels very lovely and warm inside me.

this month is finally feeling like a return to normalcy of some sort.  most of the nightmare has receded, and i may even continue to unpack and set up my room in its finality.  it's almost strange to be able to think like that.  i like it, tho.

[rainydiary]