digging out of the muck

[Armee]

He really robbed you of something important, being able to feel emotions that might have helped keep you safe and protected all those years from ex-Hs, D1, and old T. I'm angry at him for you for that. (And I'm thankful to you for sharing your journey with alexithymia, and how you and T have developed a way together to chunk these things out real small so you can safely and fully start feeling these things.)

Again the way you are describing your relationship with D2...loving, reciprocal, understanding, accepting of your full humanity...beautiful. It's such a gift for both of you.

I didn't realize YOU were writing books! I thought you were helping your daughter market books she wrote. Oh my gosh this is so exciting that you've made this dream happen! 

[BeeKeeper]

san, lot of changes, epiphanies and new perspectives here.

Your D's ability to trust her comments would "land" with kindness and appreciation show the stability of the relationship. That's very warm and fuzzy.  With kids, we "pour into them" until it feels like the well has been dry for years, Then, surprise, they tell us something great which we didn't expect!

Writing books?!? Yeow. That's great! even greater than going to the gym! Of course I'm biased with printed matter. Having the energy to dive in and accomplish pages, chapters, ever a TOC is very "san-Warrior Princess!" It wasn't that long ago that the move, heat and uncertainty of life were holding you underwater.

Glad you came up for air. I like this:

she also told me that now that i'm getting some of my feelings/emotions back, it's actually making me stronger.  what a foreign concept!

Maybe that has something to do with it? 

[owl25]

san, I'm very happy for you both for the relationship that is unfolding between you. It is precious and what life is all about. Congratulations on your book writing, how wonderful that it has finally happened for you 

[Dante]

That's awesome!  Congratulations!

[sanmagic7]

rainy, thanks so much for the hug 

armee, i have to admit i was taken aback by your anger on my behalf towards my father.  i don't know if that's ever happened before, and it sit strangely because i'm not used to someone doing that for me.  thank you, tho.  i appreciate that emotion.  i've done anger work on him, but i don't think it was ever so specific or exactly the way you spelled it out.  bringing tears to my eyes, so i know you hit something very close to my core.  i love that you said that, even tho it's painful.  it's a good pain, something i've struggled with feeling most of my life.  for you to say that and have that emotion brought out for me because of it is awful but amazing at the same time.  please, never hold back.  it's really good for me.  thanks again. 

bee, as difficult as this whole feelings/emotions thing is for me, i'm sure it has a bearing on my relationship w/ my D, and in a very good way.  i think it's allowing her to trust me in a world where she's had trust broken time and time again.  so, i think it makes me seem more stable in her eyes, even when i'm going thru very unstable times.  and, yeah, i do edit my D's books, but i've also written my own.  one about food/eating/body image issues is on the forum in the book section.  the rest are either waiting to be edited, or are in the process of being written.  it's so fun, and i love getting out of my world sometimes and into my created worlds.   

owl, thanks for your happiness for me.  it brought a smile to my face, which is a very good thing.  i so appreciate it.   

dante, thanks so much for your enthusiasm.  i absolutely loved it.  it put a smile on top of the smile i already had from owl.   

[Hope67]

 

Sending you a big hug SanMagic. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i love that hug, hope.  thank you so.

we've had more heat, not as bad as 2 mos. ago, but enough to keep me on the anxiety table.  i guess what happened in june to my body because of it was a trauma after all.  i'll get thru it, but i don't like living with this anxiety hanging over me.

yesterday's session i worked on another piece of acceptance for myself - that of being 'hobbled' by the alexithymia and being on the cusp of the autism spectrum.  that, and, as someone said in another post, not having a template for what compassion and empathy look like, i struggled thru my life bound inside a bubble of confusion.

childhood was 'don't ask, just do', late adolescence and into my 20's i got by on my created personality and looks (seems weird to say that, but, looking back, i believe it's true), and then the crapola started hitting the fan, and i was simply confused.  looks and personality didn't stop anything that was going on behind my back with my 2 exes, or going on that involved me with that icky T and my D1. 

when i finally began asking questions, a lot of people, especially men, were uncomfortable with it, so i was left in the dark all the time.  people would either lie to me, change the subject, or deflect, and i couldn't understand why.  i never got it.  my T and i worked on this phenomenon, and i finally came to the conclusion that this wasn't something i could fix w/ emdr as it was simply the umbrella beneath which i lived.  it was what it was, can't change that past.  happily, my D2 doesn't lie, nor does my T, they readily answer my questions, or, in the case of D2, she'll say she doesn't want to talk about it, and we leave it at that. 

this self-acceptance thing, from both the past and the present, has been interesting, a bit scary, but mostly, grounding?  stabilizing?  not sure.  it does feel better to lay it out and put it to rest.  there are other things to tackle now, and i find myself looking forward to that.

[Armee]

 

Lies, manipulation, gaslighting...they are terrible terrible things. It takes a long time to see it and break free, doesn't it?

I'm proud of you for seeing the heat and your reaction as being tied to the trauma you went through a couple months ago. For naming it and being kind to yourself. 

That is interesting what you said about being on the cusp of the autism spectrum. When I first started therapy I was convinced absolutely that I had autism. I took the online assessments, read multiple books about autism in women, and told my T that I thought I was autistic.

Self acceptance is a tricky thing. I'm so glad you are starting to gain a taste for it. I can't think of anyone more worthy of have self acceptance and self compassion. You're gold, San Magic. I'm glad you are here, just as you are.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing especially about  alexithymia and Autism.  The more I learn about Autism the more I see that our knowledge of it is so limited.  I think more of us are Autistic than we may realize and probably calling it by different names. 

I don't know if this would be an option or if interest for you however wanted to offer it up.  I have found the work of Kieran Rose to be really helpful.  From time to time he gives a course called The Inside of Autism that I learned a great deal from. 

I appreciate how hard you are working. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, your kind, encouraging words brought a lot of comfort to me this morning.  thank you so much for that.

rainy, thanks for the reference.  i appreciate your thoughtfulness. 

i think it was blueberry who turned me on to the idea that i had alexithymia after a rough patch on the forum where others shared their anger about the incident, but i never felt it.  i began researching it, took 2 online 'tests' (6 mos. apart) to determine if it related to me.  the cutoff point was 60 out of 100 - both times i scored in the mid 90's.  while i read more about it, the idea of autism came up time and time again.  i dismissed it as having nothing to do with me.

after a few more months of reading, tho, i decided to take a closer look to see if autism might, in fact, be part of my makeup.  again, i took 2 different tests, and i ended up either at the cutoff score or 1 point above it.  it was difficult to swallow that i was inflicted by this as well, but it explained a lot about my social awkwardness, reluctance to make eye contact, and lack of understanding how to recognize hints or other intangibles in conversations. 

so, i'm now coming to the point of being able to accept the whole of my being, and i'm seeing progress with recognizing and verbalizing emotions, but, wow!  as my T pointed out, it probably helped me survive, in a very literal sense, this life i've lived.  at this point in time, with both my D and my T as being very gentle and kind with me, i think that's what's allowing this progress to happen.  it's strange, tho, at times to feel what i never felt before.  scary, difficult, overwhelming at times, but always a real eye-opener.  didn't know i had that much going on inside my mind.

still, it's also mind boggling.  i don't know how people have been able to live with, feel, and express everyday emotions as they come up.  i used to tell my mex. hub that i envied his being able to look at a neg. situation and immediately feel anger about it.  my D is angry a lot, too, because of all that's happened, and i'm still uncomfortable being around that.  it's so foreign to me.  and i honestly cannot comprehend how people have lived in fear and distrust most of their lives.  i'm also lately beginning to understand being hurt from a lot of people in my life, but don't often feel the pain of it.  i think my muscles (fibromyalgia) have been holding that pain for me. 

gym update:  i did complain to the front office about my experience w/ others not wearing masks, and i went this morning.  there were 2 new signs on the door, both requiring masks, but i no sooner sat down at a machine when i guy came in and began unloading his stuff just 1 machine away from mine.  i said 'no mask?' and he completely ignored me, didn't even look at me.  i waited while he unloaded a bit more, hoping he was going to bring a mask out, but no joy.  i went the long way around to get to the door.  luckily, i have some small weights so i did a workout at home, which i was glad of, but it's not the same as being in the gym.   can't believe how inconsiderate people are when this illness is raging and killing folks.    i'll write again, let them know i appreciated their effort, but it looks like people are simply going to ignore it.  i guess this is where i'd be angry about it.  i can feel a bit of it.

[Armee]

Ugh about the masks!!!! Signage does nothing unless it's enforced. Hopefully your next complaint will get management to actively enforce it.

I deeply  appreciate the window into what I may eventually feel and I think you are right...the muscles take the brunt of it until the emotions can be felt. That's been my experience and I've seen as I am better able to tolerate and express some emotions or feelings that the pain has lessened.

I'm so happy your T and D have stepped in to be kind and gentle with you while you work through things. You deserve that many times over.

[BeeKeeper]

san,

i'm now coming to the point of being able to accept the whole of my being, and i'm seeing progress with recognizing and verbalizing emotions, but, wow!  as my T pointed out, it probably helped me survive, in a very literal sense, this life i've lived.  at this point in time, with both my D and my T as being very gentle and kind with me, i think that's what's allowing this progress to happen.  it's strange, tho, at times to feel what i never felt before.  scary, difficult, overwhelming at times, but always a real eye-opener. 

Wow. Talk about progress and acceptance- warp speed hello.  To fearless exploration! Onward. I can't imagine the difficulties, which add another dimension to life experience. You're great!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  as always, your kindness touches me. 

hey, bee.  thanks so much for such enthusiastic support and your lovely words. 

it's 2 a.m., and i've been up with anxiety to the max.  harking back to something my t told me a while ago, that i have a lot of issues, especially w/ my exes, around going to sleep.  hub #1 always wanted me to stay up and party with him, always ragged on me when i wanted to go to bed earlier than him.  lots of drinking going on at that time.  hub #2 (as i refer to him as my ex) would never come to bed w/ me, even tho he was falling asleep on the couch.  i'd ask him about it, he always gave me a lame excuse.  i found out later it was cuz of his sex addiction. 

the past 2 weeks i've found myself thinking about reaching out to people i've eliminated  from my life, both men and women.  all were toxic, yet it was like i wanted to re-establish a relationship of sorts, only this time i was telling myself i could 'handle' it.  tonite, as my anxiety took hold and i couldn't settle for being too disturbed inside, thoughts began flitting in and out.  when i finally caught them, i hated to admit them to myself, so i decided to write them here instead.

i think i'm yearning for drama.  things around me, people around me are so drama-free, so non-abusive to me, so non-toxic, it's like i was missing the crapola that i've been so used to.  like craving it, craving the crisis and stress.  my first thought was shame? guilt? feeling stupid? angry w/ myself?  not sure, but i do know there is a lot of 'stuff' running around my mind that i can't quite get hold of for thinking about re-introducing anyone who has caused me pain or harm.

uggo!  what a horrifying thought!  my life is so calm now that i'm feeling a pull toward stress?  this isn't ironic, it's kind of terrifying.  i'm doing what i can not to call anyone, and i talk to my T tomorrow, so i'll tell her about it and i'm sure we'll work thru it.  for tonite, i wanted to get these thoughts down.  the disturbance isn't gone, but i'm glad i wrote about it anyway.  i feel awful about it.

[BeeKeeper]

san,

From all my therapeutic trauma reading, this actually sounds "normal" in the sense that you are doing what traumatized people do. I do the same, and continue to do it in small areas of my life. I recognize it, can't stop myself from thinking about it, and attempt to generate the enormous will power to stop.

So, it's not "you", you're not inherently shameful, stupid or anything else. It's a reaction and a "coping" mechanism. In the spirit of respectful disagreement, I personally don't think you are craving crapola or drama, I think this is a "symptom" of your recovery and (to me) indicates you are attempting to rewrite parts of your life when you didn't have a conscious clue. Instead of seeing yourself as defective and flawed, that you "shouldn't" have taken action to "reconnect", would it be possible to step back a couple steps and instead take that energy and be curious about the why? After that, bundle up that energy and set it aside while considering how to use that to benefit your present life direction.

I know its painful and confusing and all the rest. It takes MUCH more time than we would like to change ourselves from within. My point is, patience with yourself is key to this process. Find little things you do which mean a lot and grow those into small gardens in your life. All it takes is one "plant."

FYI: Every night for years on end, as I prepared to sleep, I found myself hyperventilating to the point of using an inhaler to reduce it. It wasn't until I purchased my little cuddle owl from Douglas toys and assigned her the identity of my 5-7 year old child that I stopped. This was only a couple months ago. Having that small anchor physically and emotionally helped enough for me to disengage with memories.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing all of this.  I am noticing similar patterns in myself - seeking ways to amp up the level of difficulty in relationships with others because as I approach feeling rested I am scared.  I hope that you find ways to feel ease and rested in a way that feels safe and nurturing to you.