digging out of the muck

[Armee]

Hi San,

I think this is completely normal for folks like us. It'll pass, too, I think. You of course know that bringing these toxic people back into your life is not what you need or want so that desire is about something else.

I don't think it's as simple as you craving drama and crises. Maybe there's some thing scary in the calm. For me there's the feeling that comes along with relaxing and letting my guard down when one crisis ends...and all I really want is to live a life of calm and peace. But when that happens and I relax into it and let my guard down I get knocked over and caught off guard by something even worse and not seeing it coming can feel worse. I know that constantly having my guard up isn't the way to live but that is a huge fear that comes knocking when things settle.

I don't know if that is the case for you or if it's something different, like a way to distract from these big feelings you've been having.

The other thought that comes to mind is that yeah I got used to my mom taking up so much emotiinal space and for awhile when I backed off the relationship there was a huge empty boring spot and I didn't know how to fill that space right away with good stuff. Luckily for me she could generate enough drama that the peace and nothingness never lasted long.

Come here, San.  This stage will give way to healthy stuff and peace. I feel very confident of that if you just ride it out with yourself, your T and your D.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee, thanks for your thoughts and caring.  after i posted that, i thought more about the 'cravings' i was feeling, the 'urges' to bring back someone into my life who included stress and hurt.  what came to my mind (and my T confirmed this today) was withdrawal from addictions.  i was using the same rationalizations addicts use after they quit, and get to a place of discomfort where they think about their go-to answer to ease their pain, disturbance, and distress.  one of mine being relationships, especially toxic ones.

i heard myself saying 'i could handle it this time' (handle it is always a red flag expression for me), i'd be able to do it differently, set different boundaries so it wouldn't end up the same - all the stuff that comes during addiction withdrawal.  my body and mind/brain have been so used to stress, drama, crisis, pain, confusion that they don't exactly know how to act without those things taking center stage.  that makes a lot of sense to me, and helps put those urges into an explanation i'm familiar with.  my recovering mex. hub used to say urges were like buses.  they stop in front of you, but if you don't get on, they'll move on.  i was able to allow that bus go on without me last night. 

rainy, if my analogy of withdrawal helps, i'm glad.  i was embarrassed to admit to myself that i was contemplating having those people back in my life.  i know, eventually, it would end up the same unless they did a lot of work on themselves, and from what i'm aware of, that's just not gonna happen.  too damaged.  thanks for your caring kindness.  this puts a big piece in place for me to feel peace and calm.

hey, armee,

something scary in the calm.  hmmm, maybe.  it's an unknown, for sure, but historically i haven't felt fear about the unknown.  maybe it's in there and i just am not aware.  i get what you're saying, tho.  my way of dealing with things just hasn't  kept me in the 'waiting for the other shoe to fall' loop.  and, OMG, bringing me in with that hug was tremendously wonderful.  thanks so much for that.   

i did dig out a lot more components about my anxiety at bedtime this morning, but will save it for another day.  just being able to recognize pieces, find ones that were missing, and placing them together in a recognizable form helped me a lot this morning.   

[BeeKeeper]

san,

I like it.

.  what came to my mind (and my T confirmed this today) was withdrawal from addictions

and this:

just being able to recognize pieces, find ones that were missing, and placing them together in a recognizable form helped me a lot this morning.   

You know yourself well and the "manage" thought is sneaky. I have the same one!

overall, I will give in to my urge to use this emoticon. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the  bee.  made me smile!

[Bach]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, bach.  much appreciated.  brought a smile to my face this morning!

[sanmagic7]

funny how this works.  i knew i mentioned earlier that i'd found more pieces to my bedtime anxiety, but for the life of me i can't remember now what they might have been. o, here comes something.  it was about feeling needy and abandoned at bedtime.  all 3 hubs, each in their own way and for different reasons, rarely went to bed with me when it was time to go to sleep.  they left me to go to sleep by myself a goodly amount of the time.  for 2 of them, it was for following their addictions. the 3rd was falling asleep early from exhaustion.

i went back to my childhood, pictured again what bedtime was like. it was cold, unemotional, no comfort involved. my F would say 'kiss your mother goodnite', and that's what we'd do - no reciprocation of a kiss or a hug - and then we went to bed.  no stories or songs or being tucked in.  and the feeling that came up for me was abandonment, and how much i needed to have some show of comfort.  so, i continue to carry these abandonment and neediness issues with me, even now.  you'd think i would've gotten over that.

we'll tackle this in more depth on tues.  since realizing this, my anxiety has either been really high or not a bother.  ugh!  this roller coaster can be crazy-making, or so it feels like sometimes.

[Armee]

It really is a crazy-making roller coaster. The ups and downs, feeling ok and not feeling ok.

My heart and eyes got so sad and heavy for little San going to bed alone with no one to comfort her or tuck her in. It sounds so lonely. Of course you'd still carry that with you until she can be acknowledged and comforted. Good job recognizing that, San. Now get that little girl a stuffie and some love. 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing about the routines around bedtime.  It made me think back to my own childhood experiences with bedtime and sleeping.  I don't know why but the night can be such a lonely and scary place especially when all we have is our own mind and no outside support.  I hope that you find some balance with the anxiety.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, thanks for the acknowledgment and validation.  when i reread my post, i thought, dang, there are so many people who had terrible experiences around bedtime, like being hungry, violence, other horrific stuff.  i know others have posted 'mine wasn't so bad' but this really felt like it upon reading it again, so i want to thank you for the 'lonely'.  i think i've pretty much felt that way most of my life, but didn't know it.  it's new to acknowledge it.  i so appreciate your thoughts about this.

rainy, thank you, too, for the validation about lonely and scary.  even tho i had both parents throughout my childhood, no name-calling, threats, fighting, violence between my parents, and others even wished they could be part of my family, i'm beginning to see now (even tho tough to acknowledge it) that i was alone and scared from a very young age.  just couldn't count on my folks to be there, even when i reached out.  learning to live that way became the norm, and i'm only discovering now how much that impacted my life.   

the other day i dreamt what i believe was a grieving dream for my childhood.  in it, i was in charge of the  care of a 5-yr. old girl (i'm guessing it was me), and we were out walking near my old neighborhood when a plane crashed in the woods where i spent many, many hours playing while i was a kid.  we saw the flames begin (it was night, so they were vivid), and then spread, growing larger and larger as they took down all the trees i'd known and loved. 

it was then that i picked up the little girl, knew i would have to carry her the last mile, and in my head all i could think of was that my entire childhood was going up in flames, it was going to be all gone.  i woke up shaken and feeling so sad, but immediately the thought came to me that it was a grief dream, something i couldn't do consciously.  i think it was also part of this acceptance process i've been working on.  in this case, seeing in plain view how my childhood was taken away from me. 

carrying the little girl, tho, was something i just knew was the right thing to do - she couldn't make it home on her own.  i felt no resentment, just a sense of responsibility.  i'm glad i took care of her.

[rainydiary]

What a powerful dream.   

[Armee]

That's such an amazing and powerful dream. Your sleeping brain gave you the chance to rescue little San and to grieve, together. Frightening, overwhelming, sad, but also a little gift.

Not so bad. That one took me down a hole yesterday, too. Having fellow abuse suffers acknowledge the pain and affirm to us that it was that bad, for me it's more healing than anything else. You were left alone, San. You were expected to provide love but not receive it. You were taught to not have emotions or needs, and that set you up to receive further abuse later in life.

You are right to grieve it and when you can be angry about it. I can't feel anger or sadness for myself but I can for you and the others here. And that helps me slowly develop the capacity to see I could also have those feelings about the things I went through.

[Blueberry]

My heart and eyes got so sad and heavy for little San going to bed alone with no one to comfort her or tuck her in. It sounds so lonely. Of course you'd still carry that with you until she can be acknowledged and comforted. Good job recognizing that, San.

I'm also sad for little San who was expected to give love without receiving it herself for the night. If it's not too much for little San here are some gentle 

[Bach]

San, I almost cried reading about your bedtimes, because mine were like that, too. Little B wants to give Little San a little hug

[BeeKeeper]

san,

Sorry to be late to this particular dream and post. I can relate to the "world ending" type of destruction you dreamed about, particularly with fire. And as you know fire holds significance for me. So here's a thought which came to me, and this is said with kind and loving intent.

In reading about the absence of feeling, emotions from your childhood/parents, I felt a psychic shiver. All I could sense was cold, frozen, icy indifference. To me, nothing is worse than indifference because it means a huge place of neutrality. No connection, no meaning, no nothing except isolation.

Then, when you described fire, my first thought was heat, not destruction and threat. Thawing. I see you being thawed out as you go through thinking and remembering the way your later life echoed your earlier life. It would be great if we could control our subconscious and adjust the flow of memories and analysis so it didn't present terrifying confusion.

Personally I think it's wonderful that you had a dream about a 5 year old, and you were there to save and protect. I'm glad you felt that responsibility, a very potent lucid feeling.