digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

rainy, armee, blueberry, bach, and bee - thank you all for your kind words, thoughtful observations, compassion.  and thank you Little B for the hug for Little San.  it made my heart melt.

rainy, as i looked back on it, i'm realizing just how powerful it truly was.

armee, that extra special validation about it being bad enough really struck me.  i was feeling kind of like a little whiner after i wrote about my bedtimes as a kid.  thank you for changing that script, allowing my experience to be terrible for me.  at the time, i felt no pain, no isolation, no abandonment, nothing untoward.  it just was the way it was and i put up with it, accepted it, and moved on with it.

i thank you also for acknowledging that this kind of childhood set me up for staying in abusive relationships for too long.  it's so very true, and i've told that to many others, told it to myself, but seeing your words were, as you pointed out, settling, satisfying, and ultimately healing.  and, i understand what you said about being able to feel for others but not self, how it paves the way for your own feelings to emerge.  i do that a lot myself, guess that 'there's probably some anger/fear/pain/etc. in here' even if i can't feel it.  recognizing what's supposed to be there has helped me a lot.

blueberry, what you wrote about me having to give love but not receive it made a profound impression on me when i read it.  never looked at it that way, but i can see it now.  thank you so much for that - it filled up a hole i didn't know was empty.  a thought just occurred - it may help explain why i was always very loving in relationships, hoping to show the other person how i wanted to be treated.  lead by example, so to speak.  somehow, it usually didn't work, and that childhood scenario played out over and over and over in my life.  no wonder it's been so hard to receive and feel love from another person.   

bach, your compassion and empathy were so caring and sweet - i almost didn't know how to relate to it, how to take it in.  still can't, really, if i'm being honest.  it brings tears to my eyes.  thank you so.

bee, you know, you hit the nail on the head here about the cold, frozen indifference.  being w/o emotions was exactly like that.  no warmth, no compassion. even sexually, altho i could make out for hours (craved the touch more than anything else), i could turn the drive off in a second, stop it mid-form, so to speak, and never feel it was incomplete.  i used to think i was frigid because i could do that.  and, yes, i was quite isolated, felt left out, didn't mix well with kids in general growing up.  it wasn't until my senior year in hi school that i'd been able to create a personality that caused a semblance of warmth between others and myself.

i can see the significance of fire and thawing, and that may be a piece of what this is all about.  i also know fire can have a cleansing meaning, and in this dream that may also play a part - that the difficulty of my childhood was being cleansed from my mind.  another part - the phoenix rising in flames from the ashes of its dead self.  being able to see the destruction of my childhood and all the neg. surrounding it may be allowing me to rise up from it, leave those ashes behind, and become more than what that frozenness allowed.  thank you so for your thoughts.  i have to admit, i don't understand the term 'lucid feeling', but i'll look it up.   

yesterday in therapy we began tackling my first T, icky laurie, i call her.  we had a list of things that came form that relationship such as anxiety, depression, meds, manipulations, tension flooding throughout my body at the remembrance, schizophrenic environment (many times i was shoved into playing dual and triple roles while with her (client, employee, best friend, clinical confidant, student and teacher at the same time).  she continually broke me down over and over, molding me for her use.  i chose a memory of how, while i was her employee, she also beat me down in a therapeutic fashion about something i did.  it was something i was very proud of, but her perspective changed it into an absolute failure on my part.

when i began my first set of eye movements on all this, i couldn't maintain it, dissociated before the set was halfway thru. my T is so absolutely pissed about what happened, and she wants to cleanse me of the damage done.  part of the reason this came up was because i've noticed increased anxiety the nights before my therapy sessions.  i was able to guess there may be a trust issue floating around because of my past experiences, especially with icky laurie.  my T confirmed that shaky trust ground would absolutely fit. 

we decided i'd have to do this in much smaller pieces, cuz it was obvious that even one memory (of oh so many) was overwhelming.  the tension i was feeling was the target, and after processing, it helped me feel calmer.  then, we decided to put her in a crate (something i've done w/ my ex hubs) to keep her contained.  one thing that came up while processing was the word and feeling of hate.  i hate what she did to me, and i hate her for doing it.  so, the crate i created while doing eye movements was very small, she is all balled up on her elbows and knees, and i put down a doggie bowl of water and one of dog food for her.  that's where she's staying till i can get around to eliminating her form my mind.

i have to admit, writing this down has been quite distressing.  disturbing.  i want to get it out of me, want to share my process and progress, but it leaves little left in me to respond to others.  i think i'll have to call it a day.  this is difficult, but i believe it's necessary.  i can't tell you all how much i appreciate the feedback from everyone on all this.  you help me get clearer pictures of what's happening with and to me.  thank you all.

[Blueberry]

Your recovery san, first and foremost. 

[Armee]

San, you give so so much to others here. Look how you respond to each of us individually? With such care and warmth even though this is your journal? You find the something that will make us feel seen and valued. You have nothing to apologize for. Even when people can only write in their own journal I learn so much both from their experiences and from the self-care to know their limits.

I am dumbfounded what your old therapist did to you and understand why your current T is so angry about it alongside you and eager to process that pain. I also really appreciate you sharing the process in detail so I can make sense of my own EMDR experience.

[BeeKeeper]

san,

You are courageous! These are significant burdens which have been inside for a long time. I admire your desire to break it down, apart and then get it away from you.  If you get fatigued and want or need to rest, clear everything off any imaginary list, and just give yourself space and time.

No one expects you to give, give, give. It's OK to just sit with yourself and recharge or refill. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I read about the manipulative things that 'icky laurie' did.  She sounds horrible in every sense.  I am so glad you have a supportive T to talk to now, and who is supporting you and working alongside you with all these things.  I also think you are brave and I really hope that the EMDR is helpful.

Sending you a few hugs, if that's ok 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks for the reminder.  it helped a lot.

armee, thanks for the support.  much appreciated 

bee, thank you for you kind words.  you gave me a feeling of relief.

hope, those hugs are always appreciated and wanted.  thanks you.

have been feeling so destabilized lately.  to talk about stuff here ended up being too disturbing.  still plucking away, but there's so much,  even the tiniest targets w/ my T cause undue disturbance.  this is so difficult.  i wish i could throw in the towel - i'm so tired of being strong.

[Armee]

 

You don't have to stay strong if you can't.  Stay alive please. Other than that. Melt. Take a break. Whatever you need you get to take. 

[sanmagic7]

not to worry, armee.  sorry if i scared you.  it's just been a dark day, but i'm ok.   

[BeeKeeper]

san,

All that comes to mind is Garcia's "Keep on truckin'" because in this time period looks like that's the best option. Naturally, it's romanticized, but nothing romantic about pushing through pain to discover more pain. Doing the same thing here. Nobody said you had to be strong all the time, even if those voices or "intuition" whispers it. Slow and steady.

[Bach]

I feel you, san.  Sending love and support 

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee, altho not a deadhead myself, i do believe in jerry's philosophy.  keepin' on truckin' definitely guides my life.  thanks.

bach, thanks for both of those.  love 'em!   

still too shaky to write much.  i am finding it amazing how many 'pokes' icky laurie stuck me with.  i was able to imagine a pincushion filled w/ stickpins, but when i tried to process it as a whole, my mind shut off completely.  decided we'd have to tackle one memory at a time, which has helped.  very tiny pieces.  rfight now i'm basically driving this emdr truck and my T goes along for the ride completely at my pace.  she agrees it's completely overwhelming otherwise.  ok, already disturbed and twitchy. adios for now,

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, and back atcha! 

[rainydiary]

San, I wish you well as you explore the images coming up.  I know you will find a pace that feels right to you. 

[Bach]