digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

rainy and bach, thanks so much for the support. it really helps.      

feeling pretty good today.  i've begun working out and that feels good.  slow, but good.  still, my muscles are tingling, and i like it!

i've applied for door-to-door transport service in my town.  had to show i was disabled to qualify.  fortunately, i didn't send the application in right away cuz i'd forgotten to list c-ptsd under reasons for needing this help!  i'd put down 'severe anxiety' and was trying to explain the symptoms just for that, but, really, i don't know how i didn't think of the main umbrella causing even the 'severe anxiety'!  happily, i thought of it the night before i sent it in.  wow! 

targeting  icky laurie has been difficult, especially these first 2, but i'm kind of noticing that the punch of what she's done feels less volatile, some of the other incidents with her seem to be fading a bit.  i believe that's the emdr effect - taking on some of the major, most memorable situations, processing them even if it seems incomplete, can help the brain reduce the severity of the impact on my mind in the present. 

when i attempt to think about the processed images now, it's difficult to raise them with any sort of clarity.  they're foggy, less 'here', and therefore less distressing.  even tho i've done emdr for others during my career, it's still kind of amazing to me how this can work, and keep on working after the fact.  it's a little weird, too.  things i remember not having the effect i've become used to?  it feels a bit strange, actually.  positive, but strange nonetheless.  another positive something in my life to get used to, but i'm not complaining about this kind of adjustment.  it's really, really a good thing.

it feels like hope.

[sanmagic7]

D1's birthday was the other day.  it's nearly 7 yrs. since going NC w/ her.  strangely, altho i wished her happy b-day several times in my mind, it wasn't quite as sad as i've experienced in recent years.  i've mentioned before that i believe my darling daughter died when she was 4, and this version began taking over, and i think that realization helped me feel not so bad about her not being in my life.  it's as if she's a stranger now, or one of the people i've eliminated from my life and have let go of caring very much about them.  that may sound cold coming from a mom, but maybe it's the coping mechanism i've needed and haven't found till now.

i didn't even think of writing about this in the 'anniversaries' section, except for a fleeting moment, which quickly passed.  another strange change, but, again, altho it's weird not to have those memories and feelings/thoughts/emotions connected to them, i believe it's also positive for me and my well-being.  come to think of it, i'm undergoing a lot of changes within me right now, but they're being gentle and smooth.  not distressing. 

along with this, my D2 has made a breakthrough of her own this past week - she's now seeing how much of an impact on her life her anxiety has had, something she's denied and turned away from, made excuses for, pushed herself thru.  it is such a relief to me to hear her talk about it now.  she's also going to be treated by my T, for which i'm so so very glad.  her last T bailed on her, and didn't have a great connection w/ my D and her issues for the 2 + years they were together.  it feels like a huge pressure lifted off my shoulders.  yay!

[Armee]

 

San I'm proud of you, and your daughter (2), for the progress you both are making.

It's sad that things have to be that way with D1. But it doesn't sound cold and uncaring. It sounds like you tried all you could and there's just nothing in your control that can fix this. And if there was you would do it. Because you are NOT cold and uncaring. I can't even imagine the pain you must have suffered with before you got to this point of having a healthy way to think about the estrangement and that she really isn't your daughter. I wish that hadn't happened to her, and you. 

Big old

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my dear armee.  it was the hardest decision of my life, to go NC w/ her.  it almost broke me, to tell the truth.  luckily i began discovering about narc abuse around that time, got a lot of info that explained so much.  everything grew from there, i was able to get back on my feet in a manner of speaking.  i've heard thru various sources about her engagement, her illnesses, surgeries, etc. but i guess i've gotten exceptionally good at packing that away so as not to cave in and reach out to her.  it's horrible, tho.  again, thank you for your lovely thoughts and words and support.   

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing about your Ds.  I find it makes sense that we would need to establish boundaries with others no matter their relationship to us.  It is painful as we receive a lot of cultural messaging around these relationships.  I am glad you have done what feels supportive to you.  I will be thinking of you.

[sanmagic7]

sadly, rainy, you're absolutely right.  well, sad in some ways, but very healthy in other ways.  it doesn't matter who the person is, we deserve to be treated kindly, gently, respectfully, with care and support.  the cultural messages you mentioned can do a lot to prevent people from doing what is truly best for them.  so many of us have been taught to put others first, give in to societal norms, and be pleasing all the time.  not a good fit for self-care.  thanks for thinking of me.  very cool.

therapy this morning.  hoping to work more on icky laurie stuff - i've got 2 pieces lined up to tackle.  one is of betrayal during a couples' session, the other is about her bragging to me after a session (while i was getting ready to go to work for her) about how good she was at what she saw was breaking down my barriers, but was in actuality another instance of breaking down my self.  ugh, my gut roils at the thought of that.

lots of stuff about my ex has also been coming up recently, and i know i'll need to get into him in more specific detail soon.  very disturbing to me how these memories/thoughts/ remembrances still slice my mind, leaving me in shreds.  dang, i don't know when if ever this will stop.  just don't know if i have enough lifetime left to tackle it all.  some days up, some days down. 

[BeeKeeper]

san,

You are courageous for continuing to deal with the memories and feelings.  I optimistically believe that as long as you're willing to work on whatever comes up, that it's worth it. Yes, in the long run, probably, cause the short run is still up and down and still "slice" your mind and leave you in "shreds." Those shreds are more cohesive that they appear, because you make sense and are still going forward with your recovery. That's the ultimate in self-care.

[Bach]

Thank you for sharing so much about D1, san.  I know it must be difficult and painful to talk about that given all the extra freight that comes with the parent-child relationship.

...it doesn't matter who the person is, we deserve to be treated kindly, gently, respectfully, with care and support.  the cultural messages you mentioned can do a lot to prevent people from doing what is truly best for them.

I especially appreciate this part.  I needed to hear this today because my mother is texting me today and the cultural messages cut both ways. 

Can also relate heavily to " just don't know if i have enough lifetime left to tackle it all".  I think about that a lot, especially during times of progress.  Tackle whatever we can we must, and hopefully we will have enough moments of peace and gratitude going forward to make it worthwhile. 

[sanmagic7]

bee, thanks for your vote of confidence.  i know logically it's worth it, but i'm sick of spending so much of my waking moments feeling ill, physically weak and tired, or in pain of some kind.  i'll keep going cuz right now i can't afford to stop.   

bach, the only reason i continue to tackle it is for exactly what you said - perhaps there will finally be enough moments of peace to make it worthwhile.  i pretty much live my life in gratitude, so that part's already there.  one foot in front of the other - it's all i've ever known, i think.  enjoy the laughs when they come, and simply slog through the rest.   

this stuff with icky laurie became overwhelming today.  i had to stop processing cuz the anger toward her i didn't know i had - rage, really, burning hot white rage - came out in my mind.  i began pummeling her, and it all became too intense.  i think i'm going to have to go with the emdr flash technique to finish her up.  it's just too big.  altho i've done anger work on her before, this was what i believe had been stored away, pushed down, becuz besides being my T, she was also my boss, and i couldn't afford to lose my job.  it's all so horribly intertwined, i don't trust my mind to be able to contain it or release it without damage. 

i'm feeling miserable tonite, have been shaky and wobbly all day after my session, and it hasn't improved like it often has in the past.  i'll call my T tomorrow if i don't feel better after sleeping.  the 2 examples i gave my T today showed how a woman can be a misogynist.  my T acknowledged it, which was so validating.  she held me to a different standard than she did for my ex, betraying me, humiliating me in front of him, showing partiality toward him and his feelings, pinning the blame on me for his sex addiction.  dang, no wonder i'm reduced to so much self-doubt and anxiety and confusion in my life.  my T is especially upset about this, so angry that a T would treat a client in this way.  she said, as much as she's pissed about and disgusted by my ex and what he'd done, this feels personal. 

on a brighter note, we found a place that will pick up our dead car and give us more money than we expected.  just found out today, it was a fluke (i thought) that i found online and filled out an online application.  never expected to hear from them, but they contacted my D and it's for real.  they're coming tomorrow, check in hand.  i was relieved nearly to tears.  quite the emotional day. 

[Armee]

Oh San. It's just awful what she did to you on a human level and an ethical, moral, professional level.

I can't even imagine what it felt like to be so overcome by that rage you describe and what an awful feeling it must be and so unfamiliar for you to feel it so purely. But also, that seems pretty important that you were able to get those intense emotions out in the open for a short visit.

Check in hand!!! 

You deserve that small break.

Ok San...a hug that will hold you for as very long as you want. We've got you. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for that glorious hug.  started my morning off just right.  and also thank you for caring about me. you are a wonderful addition to my life.

feeling a bit more stable today, but i'm taking the day off as much as possible.  yesterday all my muscles felt like they'd been hit by a truck, so i'm postponing my workout till tomorrow.  just need some time. 

we're hoping they'll come today for the car.  yesterday we went to clean it out, discovered the battery is dead.  well, no wonder - it's been sitting there for 3 months, and with everything else going on, we never thought to start it up every few days.  that's the task for today - walk downstairs, meet the driver, exchange title and check and watch them take it away.  i so wish we could not pay that woman who sold us this car her last check. my D is too honest and aboveboard, even as every single person she knows has told her not to make this last payment.  everyone's mad at this woman for holding us to the contract for a car that lasted 4 months!

anyway, it'll be good to get that elephant off our backs, and the money we get will go straight into savings for a car of our own. 

dang, that would be so nice.

[sanmagic7]

geez, it's been so long, i just remembered about our healing porch.  i'm on my way.  i can picture the crispness of fall in the air, asters and mums, leaves turning red, orange, yellow, and a cheery fire either on the beach or, for me, in the cabin.  lots of warm throws to snuggle into, my rocking chair, warm muffins and sweet butter.  we can sit quietly or casually chat, watch the geese going south in the sky.   fish are jumping in the lake, and i might go out to try to catch a few for dinner.  anyone's welcome to join me for a break from all this.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for speaking about the healing porch.  That description brought me comfort. 

[Armee]

I am looking forward to that car being out of your lives, too. It would feel so awful to keep paying for something that stopped working and caused so much hardship and trauma. Good riddance at least to the physical reminder.

Your daughter sounds like such a kind person, like her mom.

Good job taking a rest day AND reviving the healing porch.  A gift to us all.

[Hope67]

  i can picture the crispness of fall in the air, asters and mums, leaves turning red, orange, yellow, and a cheery fire either on the beach or, for me, in the cabin.  lots of warm throws to snuggle into, my rocking chair, warm muffins and sweet butter.  we can sit quietly or casually chat, watch the geese going south in the sky.   fish are jumping in the lake, and i might go out to try to catch a few for dinner.  anyone's welcome to join me for a break from all this.

This is beautiful.  Lovely imagery and I feel comforted by your words.  Sending you a big hug, 

Hope