digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

rainy, the healing porch has been  a big help to a lot of us here.  it's magic.  glad you found some comfort in my description.  you know it's a real thing here on the forum, right?  one of our past members started it and it's grown to include everyone's idea of comfort, rest, and a break from all we go thru.   

armee, the car finally left yesterday, now we're waiting for the check to clear the bank.  the stress has been immeasurable once again.   

hope, thanks so much for the compliment.  love that big hug - feels like my heart is being embraced.

horrible 2 days waiting for the car to be picked up.  they never showed the first day, we had to call.  very difficult to manage the stress of it all, terrible nite last nite - felt like stress flu miserable.  at least we got more for the car than we expe4cted, which is nice.  just about covers the amount we've been paying to that woman after the fact.  dang, i so want to not pay her the final payment, due this month.  everyone's been telling my D the same thing. 

so, i'm out of commission for a bit.  this stuff hits me so hard.  it feels like my entire system has been filled to the brim with past stress, so any little added measure overflows the works.  i don't think i've had a fully good day for years and years and years.  so very tired of this.

[Armee]

Yay to the car being gone at least! Though I wish you hadn't had to go through the additional stress of them not showing up the day they were supposed to.

You deserve a fully good feeling day. You deserve a lot of them all in a row. You've put in so much work and given so much.  Even when I don't get many of them, having one sprinkled here and there is a useful compass to know what I am aiming for and that it exists.

In the meantime while we wait for that  day to show up I am wishing for at least some good hours here and there to keep the orientation.

If it is helpful and welcome I'm sending you lots of good thoughts that you'll get your good day soon where things just feel right and peaceful and joyful. 

[sanmagic7]

i love your good thoughts for me, armee.  thanks so much.  it would be great, that's for sure.

[BeeKeeper]

hey san,

Thinking of you as your "wait out" the weekend and for your check. When I've had to endure this kind of stress, it feels horrible, unsettled, vulnerable and queasy. Can't offer anything but empathy and encouragement for coming through it.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, bee - you hit all those feelings right on the nose! 

the check cleared!    one more thing we don't have to deal with.

we had to do some massive shopping on sat. my D's friend came to taxi us around for errands.  it took about 6 hrs. to do everything we had to do, as we won't have a car available again until possibly next month.  we found a different food bank which did give us lots of good stuff, but we also had to supplement things at the store like cat food/litter, and other foodstuffs that weren't provided.  i thank the stars for these food pantries, tho.  they've really helped us stay afloat these past few years.

all in all, i'm doing better, more energy to walk and work out, which makes me feel good.  i've also been able to begin writing again, also a feel-good move.  my main concern right now is my D's mental/emotional health.  she is basically broken, and is applying for disability.  she's only just realized what an impact her anxiety has had on her life, starting about 20 yrs. ago, how many jobs she's had to leave, how many losses she's experienced, and the trauma of several relationships.

i'm trying to talk her into saying she has c-ptsd (i believe she does, but she hasn't wanted to admit to anything because she hasn't wanted to be broken in the same way as her sister or even me.)  usually any ptsd talk is understood, is known re: the debilitating effects it can have on a person.  i hope she gets it, am praying every day that she does, so she can get some money coming in each month. it would be a godsend, for sure, to allow her to not be pressured by deadlines or cranky authors (she's an editor for others), some of whom have shattered her in the past.  please, anyone who is able, send some good vibes her way to enable this to happen for her.  thanks.

also, it's my birthday thurs., the 7th.  74, which is hard to believe.  i told her that i would love to have a difficult gift from her - that she treat herself as gentle as she treats me.  she's so hard on herself, doubting if she really is broken or just lazy and doesn't want to work.  it's breaking my heart to see and hear her like this.  she's struggled most all her life trying to be 'normal', and has gotten kicked in the butt time and time again.  well, we all know how that goes.

so, not much energy to respond to others here right now, but i will when i can.  love to you all.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I am sending some good vibes your daughter's way, and also your way too.  You both deserve lots of good vibes, and love and support in oodles.  So that's what I wish for you both at this time and going forward.   
Hope 

[Armee]

Sending so many good vibes and hugs if they are wanted to you and D. I am sending lots of wishes for acceptance as hard as it is...that your D will accept that this is hard that there is a reason it is hard and that it has a name and she deserves some space to recover. It isn't lazy. I'm in the same boat as her right now though I've been rowing it for 3 years. I was so so opposed to the idea I was traumatized or hurt or not functioning above average. My T couldn't even say that word to me...trauma. no. There's no trauma. I'm being stupid. I'm anxious. I'm over-reacting. It sounds like this is about where D may be. Now I'm seeing wow I have really been struggling for a long long time. I am exhausted because this trauma has required me to work at least 20 times harder than other people. Yes I can do it, but at an enormous cost. So I have hope that she can come around. I help out against this acceptance because the aversion of being like my mom and hurting my kids was so so strong. But I've gotten there.

You San are a good sweet mom and that...the wish that your D would be kind and gentle with herself... is the most loving gift a mom could wish for her child.

Happy early birthday San. 74! That is a huge accomplishment and I am so glad you are here.

[rainydiary]

San, wishing you a happy birth week. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, you're so precious.  thanks for the 'oodles' - i loved that! 

armee, you hit those thoughts and feelings right on the nose.  hugs are always wanted as far as i'm concerned, so thank you for both them and the good vibes.  that exhaustion and overall fatigue is exactly what my D has struggled with for most of her life.  i'm so glad you've gotten there, tho.  she's making her way to that point, too, slowly but surely.  and, thanks for the birthday wishes.  i love birthdays! 

rainy, thanks for the good wishes this week.  so far, so good. 

it's starting to feel like whack-a-mole again.  i've been getting into some of these issues and experiences on a deeper level, settling them and being able to put them aside, but others are coming back now.  done a lot of work lately on icky laurie, which is good, but now i'm noticing going to sleep is becoming problematic once more, and thoughts of my ex (specifically my D's father) are poking their way into my consciousness once more.  plus, every so often, thoughts about my ex #1 have shown up.

there is so much more to do, it's kind of frightening to think about it.  i've packed away and compartmentalized so much - not only the realizations of what impact these people have had on my sense of self and how i see the world, but also how very very much these people treated me badly.  i feel a bit like a ship gone astray in a storm, being slammed into one rocky shore after another.  i work hard at getting off one rocky coast, when i get battered against another one. 

the idea that these rocks carry with them the actualization of not only incidents but emotions/thoughts/feelings that had been crushed into a thin paste laying on layers of my mind makes this journey even more difficult.  sessions with my T go well, the disturbance of an incident is reduced, feelings, etc. come up (some of which i can even feel), and things feel pretty settled, or at least contained.  i've visualized having all these people in their own cages, but they keep popping out.  ugh!  too many, too much over too long a time. 

my D says she's noticed changes in my self, my confidence, my perspective, and that speaks to the work i've done plus the environment she's provided for me.  maybe this stuff continues to pop up because of that, but also because i now have a T who's got my back.  the safety factor.  it's wonderful to feel safer, but, dang, it also makes room for allowing the nasties to show their faces, one after another.  no wonder i'm exhausted after writing about any of this here, but also after a session.  so much brain energy being used.  whew!

[Not Alone]

San,
You were away because of your move and then I was away because of my new job. I'm just now getting back and starting to catch up. I thought of you and prayed for you during your transition.

Hope your birthday is special. You are a very special person.

[Armee]

Happy birthday!!!!! 74 years of wisdom gained and warmth shared. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, your thoughts and prayers are truly appreciated.  and thanks for the birthday wishes!   

armee, thank you for the birthday wishes and also for the kind words.   

my b-day was great.  i loved it.  nothing special, just watched tv shows my D and i love, ate wonderful food (falafel and gyros) which i hadn't had in ages, and am now officially on the road to 3/4 of a century.  amazing to think of that!

therapy this morning.  gotta jump in and tackle more issues with my ex - he's been the latest whack-a-mole to continue to pop up.

got a wave of sadness/depression/something yesterday afternoon.  i don't know why these waves come and go.  the night before my b-day, i was hit was a load of anxiety.  got news yesterday that the first part of my application for being seen as disabled (in order to be able to get door-to-door transportation from the county) was completed, and i have an appt. for a phone interview on the 19th.  usually this service applies to the physically disabled, so i'm going to have to sell myself as being emotionally distressed enough that i couldn't ride public transportation alone.  which i couldn't, i know that.

this crapola just gets into my head and spins it around ala the exorcist.

[BeeKeeper]

san

Belated birthday wishes for sampling all the foods you haven't eaten in a while. That gyro reminds me of the good old days (sour cream, onions, lamb, lettuce). 

it's wonderful to feel safer, but, dang, it also makes room for allowing the nasties to show their faces, one after another.

Yup, I agree. If you find a variable speed switch, like on my electric drill, let me know. This is the down side of recovery IMO.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, bee, for the belated wishes.  they still count!  not finding any switch yet, but, yep, i agree.  downside, indeed.

did some processing on icky laurie today.  i had to do an active intervention on the memory i worked on - had to rip out her innards to find the butterflies and flowers that were the parts of me she shredded out of me.  we decided she was both cult leader and brainwasher, breaking me down to i would continue to follow her blindly.  it's an awful thought, and i'm jumping out of my skin with nerves now.  i feel terrible.

[Not Alone]

San, I hate the "jumping out of my skin" feeling. Do you own a weighted blanket? Sometimes that helps me.