digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

i do have a weighted blanket on my bed, sleep under it every nite. it's helped me feel embraced, cuddled, swaddled, which is something apparently i've been craving all my life.   just did some meds and a little smoke out on the patio.  we'll see if that helps.  i don't get this feeling very often, but it's one of the worst in my experience.  thank you for your thoughts, not alone.

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]

I know a version of that feeling, too, San and it is awful. It is what causes me to jump out of bed after a flashback or nightmare. Trying to escape the feeling, but it is inside. Hoping for some good rest for you tonight. Icky L does sound like a brainwashing cult leader. It makes me sick to think she was triple playing you as therapist, boss, and couples therapist.

Excuse me I'm just going to puke her out right here, throw some ultra clumping cat litter on top, scoop that mess up into a triple layer garbage bag, tie it off, and heave it into a giant smelly dumpster and walk away.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thanks for the hugs - they're great!   

armee, i loved that whole visual of what you did about icky l.  it made me smile and warmed my heart that you would take it upon yourself to do such a thing on my account.  loved it, love you!

yesterday was pretty stressful, felt out of sorts all day, but this morning i got some good sleep (maybe cuz of the extra meds i took yesterday to help me thru.) and feel better.  was able to work out, so got my muscles moving and, because i do it so fast, got some cardio in as well.  that is a really good feeling to me.  a nice way to start the day, for sure.

so, more upbeat than it seems i've been in quite a while.  dealing w/ the icky l stuff was draining.  i'm glad i'm able to see pictures in my mind cuz the violent acts i've done to her are an indication of how much anger i must have inside, even if i can't feel and express it outside.  still, it feels like progress.  next week we're going to start on some of the crossover crapola - times where icky l was doing therapy on my and my ex as a couple, and on me as a wife (where she tries to make me responsible for his addiction).  it will feel so good to clean that junk out. 


******************  TW  ****************  inappropriate thoughts by my ex to my daughters



besides that particular session, there was also one where my ex lusted after my D1 when she was 7.  i told icky l about it in our next session, and her response was 'that is not appropriate'. it was never brought up again, never addressed, never exdplored, he was never told he had more of a problem that needed to be dealt with than what he was presenting - all in all, he was coddled with one sentence and it was never taken care of.  that meant that thru the years, he did more of it.



*****************end TW******************


ok, gotta stop.   this is making me sick to my stomach.  can't wait to get this one done and dusted.

[Blueberry]

Hey san,

I haven't read your latest post except to see you feel sick. I hope that passes soon.




I know I'm late with it, but Happy Birthday! 

[sanmagic7]

aww, thanks blueberry. lovelovelove the fireworks and the big, embracing hug.  feels very personal.

yeah, the sick feeling went away.  it just got roiled up when i was talking about what i was working on. i feel a lot better.  thank you.

i'm not quite back to my walking routine - walking in the morning right after i get up - but i've been able to pick up my workout routine again, and am progressing, so that feels good.  my birthday caused me a lot of anxiety, don't know exactly why, and a lot of feel-good feelings that apparently were difficult for me to be with.  plus, the next day was therapy, which really twizzled my stick, but am feeling more stable now.

there's more to go on the icky l front, and i'm not looking forward to it, but i think because we're now getting into memories that involve my ex, he's been popping up more often.  had to get out of bed this morning, get my day started, in order to distract myself from my thoughts of him.  these intrusive thoughts are so difficult to manage, so frustrating cuz i don't want to think about him (or any of it) yet he invades my mind anyway.  i hate it so. 

tues. is my next therapy session, and i don't doubt it'll bring more of the same sick-to-my-stomach feelings, distress, disgust (that just popped into my mind) because of having to deal with the 2 of them at the same time.  not looking forward to it, but i hate living like this even more.  happily, the images that came up about icky l have faded and are not disturbing.  that's the emdr working, and i'm so glad it is.  i've been carrying too much for too long - no wonder i'm in the condition i'm in.  hopefully, as i continue with this, i'll continue to lose the anxiety, depressive episodes, and the 'punch' to my being that these images batter me with.

[BeeKeeper]

san,

I've been thinking all day how I might respond, to let you know I'm beside you in the journey. That's what you need to know.

Some of your history with your ex, like the one today, and your incompetent "therapist's" comment hit close for me. I have similar history with taking concerns about my D's vulnerability to "authorities" to have it go nowhere. I've been through it.

Your tenacity in addressing  everything and the way you endure all the feelings and memories that spew out is remarkable. The way you keep climbing to the surface after setbacks and the care and concern you show for your D and all the people here is so genuine and compassionate. I believe that you will soon be where you want to be.

[Armee]

I agree with Bee, that your ability to keep moving through all this painful history that brings up such intense and sickening feelings is remarkable. I agree with you, San, that it is worth it for the resolution it will bring as long as you can handle the journey and stay mostly right side up, which you can and are. And you know when to take.a break.

I felt really sad and sickened just to read about what happened with not having your concerns about ex and D taken seriously. 😪

[sanmagic7]

bee, i'm glad to have you on this journey with me.  thanks so much for that.  having such concerns about our D's being dismissed or ignored is one of the grossest examples of incompetence i can think of.  so very sorry you went thru something similar.  it hurts a mother's heart.  and, thank you for your encouraging words.  they are so appreciated. 

armee, thank you so for all your encouragement and support.  always there, and i appreciate that a lot.   

this morning feelings of worthlessness arose to my consciousness.  this is rather disturbing because i haven't had neg. feelings about myself to deal with in my life.  no shame, no blaming myself for what's happened, no self-doubt, nothing like that.  yet, the idea of feeling worthless popped up - why wasn't i worth enough to these people to treat me kindly?  i never asked for much, was extremely patient when they showed their own peccadillos, their anger, their flaws, yet consistently i wasn't shown the same respect or concern.  in fact, from everyone i've decided to eliminate in my life, the expectations always seemed to be ramped up, no matter how brutal the emotional/mental/verbal beating.  i just don't get it.

hence, the feeling of worthlessness, i guess.  i also find that, while watching a show about 2 people loving each other, i kept saying 'put a ring on it', meaning i wanted a tangible example of commitment.  thoughts kept rumbling thru my head, and i finally grabbed them, realized i don't trust a relationship to continue . . .  wait, i'm not worthy of steadfast love! . . . without a commitment.  i couldn't understand how they could be so sure of each other, could truly depend on the other person waiting for them, being true to them.  and now tears are welling up.  i didn't know this was inside me, had always brushed any wisps of it away, but now it's hitting me with full force.  o my heart and soul.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hugs, blueberry.  they feel warm and genuine.

worked on the self-worth thing yesterday with my T.  in one sense it was dreadful - the idea that so many long-term people in my life made me feel worthless in varying ways, some of which were not just dismissive but downright cruel, really messed up my mind (my T pointed this out to me.  too many over too long a period of time is going to cause a neg. way of thinking.  it was also the fact that this wasn't just men, like i was playing out my daddy issues, but women as well - friend, daughter, therapist.  the enormity and mass off it all.  there was no reason for cruelty - i never deserved that.

while processing this, i was able to turn this around in my mind, gain a new perspective that was kinder to myself.  i know i didn't deserve such treatment, and i am worth others' time and energy.  the new perspective included the fact that these were horrible people, and they did this to me, not because i wasn't worth their time and energy, but because they had their own dramas to play out on anyone willing to stick around. 

at one point my T said 'i want you to know you are worth it' and i immediately burst into tears.  hearing it said with such assuredness, such authority, and such strength simply broke down my defenses against it.  i told her it was hard to hear, but also wonderful at the same time.  she was able to break thru my barrier with those few words. 

so, while still a bit wobbly today, i feel better.  one thought crossed my mind later in the day.  i was raised believing that my worth was based on what i did, rather than just being me.  i believe, looking back, that i have constantly 'over given' in relationships in order to not only prove my worth, but to get people to want to give to me as much as i've given to them.  when i would get dumped, left, pushed out by others, it simply said to me that i wasn't doing enough, and i worked harder at doing more in the next relationship.  i was the best friend, mother, partner, employee i could possibly be, but it seemed that it was never enough.  therefore, the conclusion i came to was i was never enough, not good enough, not worth enough.

turning this around, putting it on the people and institutions, shows me another side, one that is gentler to me.  while i wasn't perfect, altho that's what i kept striving to be cuz that's what i believed was expected of me (we can go all the way back to my F's expectations of me as a baby - my M told me when i was an adult that she actually told him (she was pregnant w/ my S at the time) to go easier on this next baby.  i wasn't 2 yrs. old yet, so i can't imagine the expectations he'd already laid on me, or how strict he'd been with me before i could even talk.  an example of pre-verbal trauma, i guess.

at any rate, allowing the faulty thought processes to lie with the others in my life takes that unwieldy burden off my shoulders.  i want to say it's freeing, but i'm not quite there yet.

[Armee]

That's such a beautiful and truthful thing your T said to you. And I relate to all that striving to be worthy I've had some moments where that has just been so prominent that it shocks me.

You are very very worthwhile, just existing. I'm glad you are here.

Busrting into tears!!!! Way to go! 

[owl25]

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

thank you so for your continuing support.  so appreciated.

owl, loved that big hug.  it felt so embracing.  thank you.

so far, so good today.  my D and i had a moment yesterday.  while watching a show where someone was envious of another (everybody likes you!) she and i stopped, reiterated how much of that we'd both gone thru in our lives.  people envious of us because we're likeable, outgoing, people gravitate to us, etc.  we've both had multiple people in our lives who, instead of being happy for what we had (which was never very much materially - it all had to do with relationships) they were mad at us, expressed their anger in various ways, and even sulked about it.  i mentioned that it was like 'what do you want me to do?  be miserable like you?  will that make you feel better? ' and always felt that they were sucking the life force out of us.  she agreed.

living under this umbrella of envy from others - men, friends, relatives, didn't matter - has been draining.  part of the problem was, i believe, that we did do a lot to help others get out of their own funk and gave and gave and gave, made excuses for their behavior, etc.  while it's nice to have someone to bond with over this,  it's also sad that we were somehow punished for being who we were.   and there's that topic again - people wouldn't stick around because i wasn't enough for them, whether it was because i didn't give enough or i loved life and people and they didn't.  so confusing. 

this makes it frightening (just came to mind) to get close to anyone.  what a sad thought for me.  can't trust that this won't happen again.  i can count at least 6 significant people in my life who projected their insecurities (another new thought) onto me, jealous/envious of me and how i got along with others, how i gathered others into my life.  my mex. hub was the only significant  person in my life who was so happy to see me make friends with mexican people and to have them like me, not just because i was his wife but because of who i was.  that is a comforting thought.  the rest can go suck themselves.

[Armee]

 

Amen to that last sentiment, San Magic!