digging out of the muck

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing the successes and ongoing hurdles to receive supports.  I have been thinking about this a lot how our society isn't set up to readily allow others to access what they need to make a situation work for them.  Instead we have stigma, paperwork, time, lack of understanding, lack of compassion, etc.  I hope that we are all moving together toward a place where folks can have accessible spaces and situations without it being an exception. 

[Not Alone]

I'm so glad that disability transportation was approved. Praying that your D's disability is approve. 

[owl25]

I'm glad it got approved for you 

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks for all the hugs. 

rainy, it sure would be nice.  thanks for the support.

thanks, notalone, i hope so, too.

thanks owl.  so am i! 

still feeling quite unstable, don't trust myself or my energy to respond to anyone, except much love and many hugs to you all!   

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
This hug is for you,   

Sending you much love and many hugs. 

Hope 

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

hope, thanks for the love and hugs - you warmed my heart.

armee, thanks for the hug.  back atcha!

my last several therapy sessions have shown me how terribly traumatized i've been, its impact on me and my mental/emotional health, and how this alexithymia beast has compounded my ability to process memories.  i selected my pregnancy with my D2 and her father (my ex), which was fraught with lack of any kind of compassion or connection from him, and it completely blew up.  not only were there layers of memories connected to the pregnancy, the birth, and also the aftermath (during which i suffered from severe post-partum depression, there were also the unfelt emotions of hurt and pain they produced.

i have been reeling since tues., have had 3 sessions this week because the processing impacted me so monstrously, and am still on very shaky ground.  i even asked my T if what i'm going thru is because i'm making too much of it all, she said that was impossible, that my reactions have all been due to the force of the trauma, and the extent of it.  both my pregnancies were less than ideal (hub #1 left the marriage when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, hub #2 - my D2's father - wanted to have no interaction w/ me surrounding being pregnant.  he said hurtful things while i was pregnant, refused to take part in any pre-childbirth activities or information, and, even tho he was present in the delivery room, he was there in body only. 

of course, he thinks he did good by being there, but because there was no nothing from him during the ordeal, it left me feeling more alone than if he hadn't been there.  so, while processing just this experience w/ my hub #1, all the emotions and feelings i would normally have felt, been cognizant of at the time, but didn't, came out in a rush, overwhelming me.  both my t and i believed keeping the processing to just the one pregnancy would be a small enough piece, but, unfortunately, even that was too much for my system, and i felt not only the emotions of pain and hurt, i also experienced physical pain throughout my body.

my forehead felt like i'd been kicked by a mule, and my entire body was so tense, my legs felt like planks.  in fact, they went out on me for a day and a half and i could barely walk. we decided today to use flash method so as to override the emotional aspect, and that helped, but i am still shaky and down because of the entire experience.  i hadn't realized just how much pain and hurt i'd endured over the past 40 yrs. because of being pregnant with a misogynistic NPD.  as the father.  i'm feeling pretty low right now, helpless and hopeless.  my T has even made herself available to me over the weekend if i can't pull out of this on my own. 

these people who have hurt us like this, no matter that they had trauma in their background, had no right to treat us so monstrously.  they chose to, and for that, in my mind, it's unforgiveable.  if the universe or whatever wants to bestow forgiveness on this man who has caused me unspeakable pain, agony, confusion, self-doubt, i'll let them do it.  i only want him dead.

[Armee]

That sounds so so emotionally and physically intense, San Magic. I can imagine how incredibly draining processing any memory of pregnancy and childbirth would be, just the regular aspects of pregnancy and childbirth and then adding the trauma on top. Ouch. Rest up, little San. I have the feeling of wanting to wipe your damp hair off your forehead and pulling a blanket up over your shoulders.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, armee, that would've been so nice.  thanks for the thought.  brings tears to my eyes for what could have and should have been. 

[Not Alone]

San, I'm sorry for the incredible pain and trauma you experienced with your pregnancies. Your T is correct, you are not making too much of it. What you went through was awful and so aloning. (The computer doesn't think that "alone-ing" is a word, but it should be.)

Do all you can to take care of yourself with kindness and tenderness. I wish I lived near you. I would come over and make something warm and comforting to eat, cover you with a soft blanket, and then hold you or listen to you or watch something safe with you; whatever else would bring you comfort.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thank you for the validation, the support, and the caring.  i agree that aloning should be a word - it works so well for what we've been thru at times.  your offer brought tears to my eyes because it's exactly the kind of care one would expect from a concerned and caring husband.  but, i'll take it from you.  so very kind.  thanks.

[Not Alone]

 

[Armee]

San,

I wanted to come back and say I don't think you are overreacting. What you are experiencing is the result of severe trauma. All of it. So much. And when the trauma repeats, as it often does, it makes it so much worse. It like takes regular trauma and gives it an iron man suit with superpowers. And each time you take a small piece to work with...which is in and of itself deeply upsetting it brings all it's bad guy friends with it and they all team up on you. It sounds so overwhelming. And you're right...the alexithymia kept all this locked away and when it gets unlocked it just all comes full force. I'm sorry, San. You are so brave to keep going back so you can eventually feel better and heal some of those wounds. I'm cheering you on. And you are not bad to want him dead. Not at all. 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thanks for the hug.  loved it, love you

armee, your words were so soothing and comforting.  once more, wounded and injured people here on this forum continue to be caring human beings.  i haven't had enough armee's in my life.  thank you.

i'm still rattled.  this has taken much more of a toll on me than i expected.  i think, going forward, i'm going to have to process each specific memory that has to do with him that still holds a 'punch' for me.  it's what i did with icky L, which really did work well.  i've been able to clear memories from the impact they had on my psyche, but only when i did them one at a time.  this whole pregnancy thing became such an avalanche of so much pain and hurt, something i never expected, which, again, is why i think it overwhelmed me to such a great extent.  back to the drawing board, little by little, picture by pivcture. 

altho i released a lot of pain/hurt i'd absorbed from before, and i know it was good to let it out, i couldn't believe how much was in there.  and i'm now afraid to even guess how much more there still might be inside me.  flash technique will help with that, i don't doubt, but it still leaves me rocked back on my heels.  this was such an eye-opener as to the extent of the trauma i endured throughout that relationship.  i still have some to go that includes instances when my ex and i were in couples therapy with icky L and i do want to see those thru.  it's a cleansing, one i've needed for a long, long time.  i mean, over 40 yrs. worth.

just that thought boggles my mind.  and it's also scary to what dark places it can take me  in the blink of an eye.  plus, as i get older, it seems i'm feeling the effects more acutely.  the mind is a wondrous thing, but it can only take so much before it either explodes or simply poops out.  my T says she's hopeful i'll be done with this in about 5 yrs.  i have no hope about that on my own.  it's not a very happy place to be. 

[Armee]

San, I agree the mind is wonderous and it does possess a limit beyond which there are consequences. And yet I've seen you be very aware of your limits and to push just to the edge and then to pause and scale back so you keep making progress without going beyond your mind's capacity to absorb the hurt and to heal that piece. Sometimes you are caught off guard by  what is unearthed and it's more than you expected and more than you can easily absorb, and you recalibrate your approach ease off without avoiding. I'm truly in awe watching you do this.

You've started to feel stuff. That's really remarkable, right? Overwhelming and uncomfortable and too much sometimes but wow!

I'm so sorry this avalanche tumbled over you, but I have faith in you.