digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

no need for the apology, blueberry - more things just keep piling on and it' a lot to unpack.  i appreciate your support, tho, very much.  thanks  love and hugs to you.

i'm mostly writing here to vent, to get it out  of me.  there's too much to deal with, too many triggers, and i don't want anyone to feel obligated to read any of this if it's too much.  it's not like i can ask for anything, except hugs.  those are always good.  i just give thanks every morning for getting another day, and thanks at nite for helping me make it thru.  that's all i got.

[Not Alone]

I always have hugs for you, San.     

[sanmagic7]

and i always love getting them from you, notalone.  thanks so much and back to you

today is the first possible day we'll hear about our offer on the house.  so, waiting, waiting, waiting . . .

one thing i'm so jazzed about, tho, is that my d got at least part of a long-standing dream - she put an offer on a house by the time she was 40.  i have the heart of a mother beating strongly at all times, and this has warmed it considerably.  i'm really very happy for her.  even if we don't get it, i'm happy that she at least knows she put every effort into it, didn't quit when it all seemed impossible, and people were telling her to basically move on, something better is out there, maybe you're not meant to have it - a lot of it sounded like what we c-ptsd'ers hear from people who don't understand why we can't just let our trauma go.

my mex. H will be getting surgery on his wrist tomorrow.  we had a good chat yesterday. he was feeling down, guilty, i think, because people are helping him out financially (he probably won't be up and around for about 4 months - it's the wrist he depends on the most in getting up from sitting so his crutch will support him till he gets both feet under him).  he told me that when others have been down, he maybe said a nice word or two to them, but didn't live w/ them, see how they were doing day to day.

i listened, then reminded him of how long i'd been sick while i lived with him, how he'd make sure i had enough food for the day, took off work to take me to specialists 125 mi. away, even did the grocery shopping, which is not something a mexican man does - he laughed at that and agreed.  i told him he was just getting some of that back now when he needs it.  and i asked him if he remembered what he'd asked for when he went into addiction recovery - tolerance and responsibility. he suddenly got really quiet, then said - and god sent you to me. he waited a beat, then told me 'i'm smiling now. thank you.'

so, i feel better knowing he's in a better place.  my 2 most important people are doing ok at the moment with some very difficult situations.  and that helps me do better.

i'm going to leave on an upper note for a change.

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

i got a phone call right after i moved to this page, i've been staring at those hugs from you, snowdrop, for 45 min. and they got better and better each minute that went by.  thank you so much - they warmed my heart.  love and hugs 

[Snowdrop]

Each one comes from the heart, San. They're filled with love, support, and care.

[sanmagic7]

believe it or not, i can feel all the warmth within them.  thank you so, snowdrop.  i just welled up with tears, but in a good way.  i feel blanketed and held safe.  love and hugs to you, too

[Not Alone]

he suddenly got really quiet, then said - and god sent you to me. he waited a beat, then told me 'i'm smiling now. thank you.'

so, i feel better knowing he's in a better place.  my 2 most important people are doing ok at the moment with some very difficult situations.  and that helps me do better.

Heartwarming. 

[sanmagic7]

whew!  i think i'm better, at least for the moment.  this has been a horrendous 8 mos. of stress due to the house issues, etc. 

i don't even remember where i was writing about being stressed and overwhelmed, but i want to thank everyone again for the support, care, and kindness you've shown me.   

i don't have much of a mind left due to all that's gone on, but hopefully that will settle itself out as time passes.

i think what's helped me get out of that terrible stress funk was the idea that we've now decided we'll be moving to an apartment, and have put the thought of buying a house on some back burner.  we are living out our lease here until the end of june, and are in the process of finding a place most likely in another town.  that's still a bit stressful, not to know where i'm going to be living in 2 mos., but i guess i have to have faith it'll work out all right.

a new fear came up for therapy - the last time i did emdr processing, my legs went wonky on me for a day and a half, and now i'm afraid to do more processing.  we will be targeting that when i speak to my t on tues.  the last time i did processing was about a month ago - this entire time since then has just been to keep me stable.  my t is very good at that, completely supportive, kind, and caring.  she's been a godsend.

right now i don't want to go into anything specific about the triggers i've been facing because it just stirs everything up, and for a while i just want to enjoy this bit of peace and calm i'm experiencing. 

thank you all again for helping me thru this long period of crisis.  even tho i couldn't muster up the energy to get here very often, when i did and saw the support, it immediately warmed my heart and lifted my spirit.  can't put a price on that.

[Blueberry]

for a while i just want to enjoy this bit of peace and calm i'm experiencing. 

[Not Alone]

San, I'm so glad you are experiencing some moments of peace. 

[Armadillo]

Hi...

I'm really proud of you for carving out some space and time to stay in that feeling of peace and calm. It is very very smart to take a break from processing when it becomes too much. There's so much wisdom in what you are doing. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, for the kind thoughts.  i did do a lot of resting yesterday, but also had time for a walk and to start writing on my newest book as well.  it all felt good.

thanks, notalone.  it felt a little odd, to tell the truth.  but, i enjoyed it nonetheless.

thanks, armadillo.  it really was nice to have a little of that good feeling, if only for a while.  and thanks for the comment about being wise in what i'm doing.  honestly, being on this forum has really supported my choices, and taught me a lot about continuing self-care, even when it feels uncomfortable.  because of the people here, i'm feeling more and more comfortable with it.

well, as much as i enjoyed most of yesterday, i also was finally hit with the sadness of leaving this place.  i've been hard inside, as if i was trying to pretend? compartmentalize? ignore? or just plain couldn't quite put my finger on it in a feeling/emotional way.  i'm quite sure it's been under there somewhere for quite a while, but i couldn't bring it to my consciousness (that's the alexithymia) and really feel it.

i boxed up some dry food we won't use before we're gone, felt strong while doing it (it's one more thing and it's got to be done so i'm just going to do it - that's been my attitude for most of my life) but later, after my d went to bed, the enormity of it hit me.  i loved this house, loved the location, loved the neighbors, loved the weather - it's all so green and woodsy and tons of flowers blooming right now and i'm going to miss that terribly.  living on the coast is an experience by itself, so even the idea of moving inland feels like crapola.

there's nothing to be done about it but do it.  but right now i am so sad.  i suspect there's anger raging somewhere underneath, but i haven't gotten that far yet.  and, of course, the triggers.  relationships with cowards, cheaters, liars have all led me to here, where i am once again having to do the hard work because they refused and left me to fend for myself.  thank god i've got my d with me - she is so much the opposite of people i've had in my life, and i do know that i'm not on my own in this.  still, at my age i'm getting sick of all this heavy lifting!

so, hopefully i can begin processing again w/ my t tomorrow to put some of these triggers to rest - i'm also extremely tired of waking up in the morning, lying in bed while getting ready to face the day when thoughts of and feelings toward my ex come barging in, ruining a perfectly lovely time of peace and contentment.  dang, he will not go away.  and these feelings of hate have crept back in, which i'm really displeased with cuz i don't like feeling like that, but there it is.  i've done work on this already, but in times of stress, those thoughts return so easily and quickly.  they're driving me nuts!

[Not Alone]

  as you feel grief about leaving your house. 

[Armadillo]

Ditto'ing notalone's hug.


It sounds exceptionally heartbreaking to move from your beautiful coast to inland. I'll hold some hope in my  heart that you find some peace and beauty there, and that every year your ex gets farther and farther away from having any grip on your emotions or happiness.