digging out of the muck

[owl25]

Dear sanmagic, I just read about what you went through with your pregnancies, and how completely overwhelmed you were when trying to process the first one. I just feel so much compassion for you and what you went through, I am so very sorry that this was your experience. It makes sense it took every bit out of you, that must have been such a shock, and as you say you are still reeling from this right now.

I can well imagine how hopeless it must feel and that 5 years feels unlikely, because there is just so much and it's so intense. Do you think your T could possibly be making a decent estimate, or does it feel like she's overly optimistic? Even so, I can imagine just how discouraging this must feel. I would try not to focus on that too much, and focus on just coming back from this. Small steps at a time, and they will all add up. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, your words . . .well, they touched my heart.  i felt seen, even tho i could never have put my experience with this into words like you did.   it is remarkable, you're right, that i've begun to feel stuff - it does make me more human - but that pain and hurt was too much. i don't want to go thru that again.  hence, the flash technique now, to at least take that emotional punch out of a memory first before processing it.  whew!  thank you so, armee, for what you wrote.   

owl, thanks for the encouragement.  as for my T's prediction, she truly believes and holds hope for a recovery in 5 yrs.  i'll just go along, mainly cuz i haven't the foggiest.  i can't see it myself.  and thank you for that big hug - i felt embraced.

even tho i was able to process 3 small bits leading up to my pregnancy with my ex (D2) during therapy tues., i'm still shaky.  the worst is yet to come, and that scares me a bit.  flash technique first with regular emdr processing after the explosive stuff is alleviated seems like the recipe we need to use.  i've had to put a pause on several tv shows my D and i have been watching, including comedies, because they have pregnancy issues in them.  yesterday my legs still felt like lead. 

this has brought up anxiety around therapy again, which i really don't like.  i'm scared of being retraumatized during a session, or have physical ramifications after a session.  i suppose, tho, that i can connect my fibromyalgia muscle pain to the emotional pain i never felt, but absorbed nonetheless.  such a vicious circle.  i'm so very tired of this, yet i have to push myself to keep going.  this crapola is what made me sick in the first place, so i've got to do what i can to get it out of me.

i never felt anxiety like this until i finally got away from icky L.  looking back, tho, i know i was an anxious child.  i bit my nails down to the quick, and it wasn't until i went away to college that the nailbiting stopped, organically, and i discovered i have nice nails when they grow out.  never bit my nails again, but i also began drinking at that time.  i guess alcohol became my soothing grace, and the nailbiting wasn't necessary anymore. 

now that i think of it, at the time i was involved with icky L, i had also stopped drinking.  didn't see that correlation before.  interesting. 

[Armee]

 

I was afraid what I had said had hurt you in some way.

I hope you never have to go through that much pain in processing this stuff again. You're right...the whole idea is to process without retraumatizing and it sounds like what came up crossed that threshold. I'm so grateful you have the flash technique to use and that it helps soften the edges before you go in with full EMDR and I'm grateful you have shared the technique with us here.

Thinking of you and hoping for peace and resolution as soon as possible.

[sanmagic7]

armee, not at all.  in fact, quite the opposite.  to be understood, seen, and heard is an extraordinary gift.  thank you for your kind thoughts and words.

still processing the pregnancy with my ex, his input and his lack of support.  so many memories that flood in.  i told my T i have to do this in the tiniest bits possible.

interestingly enough, one part we decided to flash through was still too much.  i dissociated during the flash process, had to stop.  we picked it apart into 2 pieces, and then i was able to flash thru each while following the flash with regular emdr processing.  that worked - in fact, i was able to visualize him becoming deflated like a balloon, becoming the size of a cockroach, which i proceeded to stomp on.  it felt very empowering, actually.

i then decided i couldn't destroy the entirety of him at that time because i still needed him for financial support, so it was only the hateful, hurtful part i squashed.  the rest of his doings will be taken apart and dealt with during future processing.  unfortunately, there's still more to do with the pregnancy, his action, words, neglect that continue to be connected to memories i can see and hear.  although i was able to skip over the crushing feelings of pain and hurt this time, i'm still very shaky and weak physically. 

one thing i took away from this past session is how completely impactful this slice of trauma has been on me.  so many levels in so many ways.  part of what is also difficult is that i can't talk to my D about any of this.  she has a relationship with him and doesn't know the entire story of how he treated me.  particularly difficult is when she's mentioned sociopaths, especially while we're watching tv.  she doesn't know that he is one also.  my gut is roiling just writing this out. 

another realization i had was about the tendency of NPD's to attack the most vulnerable.  in my case, it was while i was pregnant, a very vulnerable position for a woman.  the idea that he would say and do so many hateful, hurtful things to his pregnant wife is beginning to astound me.  so many NPD's go after children, who are vulnerable in so many ways.  pregnancy, i now understand, is another vulnerable space in a woman's life.  hmmm . . . my first hub just came to mind.  i have to stick that reminder into some compartment for now, cuz i can't deal with it at this time.  dang.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing about your experience.  That sounds like a lot to process and I admire you in facing this as well as giving your D space to experience things her way. 

[Armee]

It's really amazing and admirable work you and your T are doing. I'm impressed how you can find ways to pick it apart, process it slowly, and know where to draw boundaries like not yet mentally destroying all parts of your ex.

I'm sorry that you can't share this with your D. I can't imagine how painful it could be at times, even just knowing that relationship exists.

I also want to say I've been thinking of you and your D and hoping her disability is approved to give her a break and have a path for accepting what's happened.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your support, rainy. you're absolutely right - it is a lot to process.   

armee, i don't really know how painful it is at times not to talk to my D about this, give her the full story about why i am so brutally out of sorts.  can't feel the pain, but i've had glimpses of it.  i think it would be too overwhelming.  thank you for your kind words and thoughts about how i'm processing all this, and your hopes for my D's disability benefits.  i pray for that every day.

my muscles have taken a beating throughout this past week.  haven't been able to work out, walk outdoors, or barely even lift my left arm at times.  it's like they've been poisoned with some type of snake venom, and i have to wait till it makes its way out of my system.  am drinking lots of water to help it along, but, man alive, i did not expect this. 

on the brighter side, it seems that i have become desensitized somewhat to how a partner responds to his pregnant woman.  i've been able to resume watching one of our shows that i'd had to put on hold, so that tells me something right is happening in my brain/mind, even if my muscles are carrying the brunt of the pain right now.

can i survive this for even another 2 years without going fetal?  i've mentioned a couple times that next year will mark 3/4 of a century for me, and each time i said it, i'd get an uneasy feeling.   i hope that goes away and everything works out well.  but, it scared me.

[rainydiary]

San, I hope your muscles and the leisure activities continue to feel more easeful.  As you approach the event next year, I am reflecting on how grateful I am for the wisdom, vulnerability, and guidance you offer in the community.  I am glad to be in community with you.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I really hope that your muscles are able to relax and allow you to feel better, that sounds tough to have that 'snake venom' kind of experience, and I really hope it makes its way out of your system and that you feel better. 

Glad to hear you're able to start watching one of the shows you had previously put on hold. 

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[owl25]

I'm glad you're making progress, even if your whole body is aching right now. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, awww, that was so sweet to say that.  thank you.  i'm glad you're part of this community as well.

hey, hope, i actually looked up lactic acid in muscles, and it sounded like what happened to me.  i thought i was doing my workouts right, timing and rest for each muscle worked, but i think, for one thing, i'm in need of more time between workouts, and secondly that after processing  with my T on fri., and my muscles getting all tensed up, that the combination might have had such a neg. reaction on my muscles.  i've just got to be more careful.  thank you for that hug!   

owl, thanks for the support.  i'm glad, too, but dang, it's so much pain. 

speaking of the pain, a thought just occurred to me, that this is my body expressing the pain i didn't have the capability to feel or express in the past.  but, mama mia, it's really rattled me.  today i felt all kinds of being out of sorts.  out of sync with myself.  could also have something to do with the time change.  i don't know anymore.  i do know that my body has held a lot of what i couldn't feel, and whatever it was i've gone thru, my body expresses it in its own way. 

i hate it, tho.  it hurts, makes me feel wobbly, unstable, unsure of myself.  there's so much more to take care of, but i'm also so ready to be done.  in interferes with my life, whether it's cuz i haven't worked thru it or because i have.  absolutely sucks, so disheartening.  it's hard to stay upbeat, which i work at cuz i do not want to go down any further than i've already been.  ugh!

[rainydiary]

San, I am sorry that you are feeling pain.  I appreciate you articulating your experience because it helps me see that perhaps the feelings I've been having the past several days in a different way.  I now will consider that even though it hurts, now I am ready to feel the hurt I couldn't or wasn't able to in the past. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think your idea about now being ready to feel the pain is brilliant, and helped me see this ordeal differently.  thanks for sharing that.

still hurting, still sore, but the idea that it may be because i'm feeling pain i couldn't manage at the time of the trauma makes a lot of sense to me.  i will bear it, but, honestly, i didn't envision my life taking this turn. 

yesterday, i felt so out of sorts i ate my way thru the day.  today, i'm entertaining the idea of going back to a way i'd eaten before this got to be too much to bear without a crutch.  on the other hand, when i think about that time again, i was using crutches, such as alcohol and a pack of cigs a day.  i don't do that now.  i'm just having such a difficult time getting thru this.  therapy this morning - maybe we'll find a way to ease the pain.  i sure hope so.

[rainydiary]

San, I hope you find a way to relieve the pain.  Pain is so exhausting and draining and it can take up a lot of mental space as well which makes it challenging. 

[Armee]

I do hope the pain softens. I also see it as very plausible that the pain is essentially a physical flashback.

I've had those and with a pain that was undeniably related to a past trauma and at an intensity that was nearly as bad as the original lived experience.

So be as gentle with yourself as you would be if you were actually in those moments, ok? Treat yourself like you should have been treated by others.