digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, notalone.  i can feel it and it feels warm and comforting.

armadillo, i so appreciate your thoughts and caring.  thank you.  it really is a grip, with scaly skin and long, sharp talons.  just the idea that i can picture that may be a target for emdr processing tomorrow.  thanks for the image.   

[sanmagic7]

good session yesterday w/ my t.  thru all the stress i've noticed more intrusive thoughts and me having a harder time pushing them away.  especially about my ex.  then, armadillo wrote about the 'grip' he has on me, and i immediately got an image of a huge claw with horrifcally large, strong talons having a hold of my mind.  as i kept that image, i realized that each of those talons are filled with the poison of all the traumatic incidents i endured w/ him in 20+ years.  then it came to me that each time i see/hear/experience a trigger, one of those talons is digging into my mind and making it bleed.  how could i possibly overcome everything (and this is just with him) when the triggers are re-wounding me?  how could my mind ever heal when fresh wound are being added almost daily?

i spoke to my t about it, she asked what was the neg. thing i thought about myself in this situation, immediately i said i felt weak, like i should be strong enough to get over this.  we processed this w/ eye movements, and a new thought came to mind - i am one of the strongest people i know, but there is simply so very many examples of traumatization just with him, i couldn't possibly just 'get over it' or 'put it behind me'.  it was a revelation because i've been the fixer, the doer, the strength for others as well as myself, taking care of whatever life threw at me, and this gave me permission not to expect the impossible from me (even tho everyone else did all my life).

what also happened was that a collection of small mosaic-like pieces, kind of what's found in a kaliedoscope had settle in the back of my head, and a snood had collected them, were holding them at the level of my hairline.  this explained to me even more why it was impossible - there are so many pieces to his abuse, at least daily for all that time, trying to bring me down, bring me to my knees, that my mind suddenly refused to hold onto them anymore.  yet, they're still there, hanging together.  my eyes have been opened.  no wonder.

so, next session we're going to begin loosening the grip of a talon at a time.  i pictured 5, but there may be more.  we have to take this slowly cuz otherwise i'm sure i'd dissociate right out of the room!  still, it was a good realization, and i'm glad to look forward to at least beginning to detach some of this crapola.  no wonder i was able to survive - if i'd have known, felt all that pain, i'd never be able to survive it.  now i'll be able to feel a little at a time. and maybe this way i'll be able to manage it.  hope so.

[Armadillo]

That's a powerful image, San! It would take an enormous amount of strength and time to loosen 20 years of what you experienced. I wish you could just get the whole dang bird out in one shot like a video game monster, but I bet you'll learn a lot taking it one talon at a time. You have so much wisdom and strength to get through the other side one step at a time.

And can I say as someone who can't visualize...reading your description of this imagery...maybe that's a good thing! But it seems to have some healing potential too.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armadillo,

the visualizations, for me, go a long way to realize the reality of something i can't necessarily describe and puts what i've gone through into a more tangible perspective.  the talon thing helped me know just how very much my ex messed with my mind (my t mentioned it had a lot of brainwashing qualities to it) in very subtle ways, but ways that got into me and stuck like no other experiences i've had have done to me.  it has caused me hate and disgust for him, something i've never really felt before towards anyone who's harmed me.  so, they paint a picture of something that i'm unable to put into words or even get a hold of consciously.  i'm very thankful for them because they do give my t a picture of a situation or experience, the subtle brutality of it, and how it's affected my mind and psyche.   

as my t said, it also helps me understand the reality of what went on, something i've downplayed for many, many years.  now that i know i haven't made up how horrible it was, i can tackle it with more clarity which chases the confusion away.  i know now it was real, not just something i made up or made more of than what it was.  that was a relief to know.

my session yesterday was to begin tackling the talons that continue to wound me.



TW ***** sexual references (nothing graphic) ******

my session yesterday w/ my t was aimed at starting with one talon, tackling it, and processing it to the point that i could remove it from my mind.  well, i decided that the whole sex thing was the biggest, most disturbing of the talons.  sexualizing every female, including our daughters, being sexually provocative while dancing w/ me, especially if people were watching and enjoying his antics (i felt uncomfortable the whole time, would turn around on the dance floor so i couldn't see the gestures he was making or the look on his face), his sex addiction and all the lies, deceit, and denial, and how that even tied into our finances and kept us poorer than need be.


***** end TW  *******

what happened as i began going thru all the areas of our life and our family life together is that it became plain to my t how so much of anything and everything in my relationship with him was interconnected.  i'd told her that on several occasions, but i don't think she actually was able to realize what it truly meant.  she's got the picture now, and agreed that these talons go deeper than either of us realized.  not only was this subject affecting  his and my and our lives as a couple, but as parents, and even in therapy (we had a woman t who was a misogynist and treated him differently, more caring for his rights than for mine).

so, i was able to do only one set of eye movements, and had to stop that a little short because it was taking over my mind again.  we'll pick it up again next tues., but at least she knows now what i was talking about with the idea that there were so many moments of torture from him that triggers are most everywhere i look.  a word, gesture, phrase, object, color - literally thousands of triggers no matter where i go, what i'm doing, what i see or hear. 

one of the hardest parts of this is that my D2  (the one i live with) maintains a relationship with him, so does bring him up every so often.  it breaks my heart that he is probably doing the same thing to her thru lies, deceit, etc. and she doesn't/can't see it.  i can't say anything, either, cuz we have kind of an agreement not to put her in the middle, which i totally respect.  but, sometimes when she talks about something he's said or done, my alarm bells ring full blast.  i did tell her i don't believe a word he says (the latest was that he's going to talk to his t - at one time he bragged to me about what a GREAT liar he is, so much so that she had him as a client for over a year and didn't want to believe it when D1 said he was a misogynist, saying she would have known if he was one after all their time together - talk to his t about how to sever the connection with D1 because he couldn't do it by himself.

he and D1 have had their own dance together for years.  she gives him his narc supply and he gets to rant about women, or drive like a maniac w/ his road rage, then feel guilty and buy her something or send her on a trip, so as not to lose her from his life.  all these different areas are rife with triggers for me, everywhere i turn.  it's an uphill battle, and tackling it is super stressful for me - the last 2 times we approached it, i got stress flu that night - but his demons are running and ruining my mind, and i just don't want him living there anymore, but can't oust him w/o help.

ok, i'll stop now.  there is so much to this.  too much.

[Armadillo]

It sounds like you could use a big 

There's so much to work on to untangle all those tangles from your ex. So much interwoven. What you describe of how he treated your body and sexuality sounds so painful and disrespectful and it breaks my heart for you. I'm so happy you are away from him and just hope your D2 is strong enough to set her boundaries in time with him. You've set a good example.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armadillo, for such kind words and support

yesterday's session was also rough.  trying to untangle the layers just about this one topic with my ex has been challenging and painful.  one realization was all the humiliation i endured w/ him.  that word had never crossed my mind before, but once it came out, i knew it to be so very true.  just ugly stuff that i didn't feel, know, or realize at the time.  i told my t it is a miracle i made it out of there, and she said 'so very true.' 

she's been keeping the leftovers from these sessions in a box for me.  that's really helped me not to dwell on this stuff when it comes to mind.  i can picture the box and tell the intrusive thoughts that that's where they belong, and it's been a bit easier to push them away because of that.

so, i am truly digging thru the muck before i can dig out of it.  it's just so ugly and gross, disturbing and disgusting.

ok, i'll leave it there for now.  too upsetting.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a hug of support   
Hope 

[Armadillo]

It takes so much courage and strength to really dig into this painful disturbing stuff in order to get past it. That's really cool that you found away to leave most of the icky feelings in a  box at your therapist's office.

I'm curious...what's your main motivation to be willing to go through this, that allows you to keep going instead of avoiding it?

[sanmagic7]

hope,

your supportive hug is so appreciated.  thank you so much.  and back atcha!

armadillo,

about a year and a half ago i hit a crisis point emotionally.  by nov., 2019, i could no longer cope with the intrusive thoughts of these people who have hurt me, the hatred i felt ( i'd never hated anyone in my life) toward my ex, the endless conversations i had in my mind to and about him, the myriad triggers i couldn't avoid that were driving me insane - everything became centered around layers and layers of trauma that i hadn't recognized or acknowledged before.

i've been seeing my t 2x/week since then just to stay stable.  i was going off the deep end and i needed help, needed to find a way through everything so i could find a bit of peace.  i think this all exploded at once because i'd moved in with my D2, and she's been so kind, patient, and accepting of me, i was finally able to let my guard down.  of course, that let in all the bad stuff i'd been holding at bay for so long.  honestly, i'd come to a point where i was being haunted, overwhelmed, and taken over by the negativity.  i couldn't sleep, couldn't turn around without being overcome by sobs at some trigger or another (there are millions - i couldn't turn around without another one slamming me in the face.

so, if i don't get to the bottom of this, if i don't continue to dig into the pain which i hadn't felt in the past, if i don't recognize how much hurt had been done to me, i will go insane.  that is like death to me, and i can't afford that.  thank heaven my t lets me steer this ship - we stop processing if i get overwhelmed, and we find very small pieces to process at a time.  altho progress might seem slow at times (and sometimes daily life is too overwhelming to me to do any processing at all) i believe it's worth the pain. 

from what i understand about trauma, c-ptsd, neural networks, mind/body connection, i have had survival mechanisms up since very young, such as dissociation, and floatiness.  my lack of feelings, inability to recognize emotions, and very little sense of myself/personal boundaries have led me to this point.  i never felt the pain before, never realized how hurt i was, never lived with neg. emotions like shame , didn't feel fear, joy, happiness, anger - there was so much missing from my life that makes up being human.  so now it's all come tumbling and crumbling and i'm feeling much of this stuff for the first time ever. 

i've been in a chrysalis all my life, and it's painful to break thru.  if i don't go thru this pain, i can never be me.  my anxiety paralyzes me at times, my legs go wonky and won't work (sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a week) when i work on something extremely difficult to face or realize, my body has held all the pain i couldn't acknowledge so i'm in constant physical pain and i'm hoping that as i continue pushing thru this, feeling it, expressing it like a baby does, with no concern for what's so-called 'right or wrong', that i'll eventually rid myself of enough pain so i can feel happy.  to me, it's worth it.  i've felt happy maybe 1 or 2 times in my entire life, where i actually felt the feeling of happiness (and it's such a wonderful feeling, i'd love to feel it more often), or have actually felt the feeling of love or being loved.  i want more.

i hope that makes sense.  thanks for the question.  it felt good to be asked.   

[Armadillo]

 





That's so much.

[sanmagic7]

armadillo, those hugs and your words hit the spot.  thanks for the comfort and validation.

i made a breakthrough today about feeling like a fool for letting stuff keep going the way it did w/ my ex, and blaming myself for not doing something different to end what was going on.  what i came up with was akin to the chrysalis image i mentioned in my last post - that the chrysalis i've been struggling to get out of is made up of all the traumas in my life.  no wonder it's so painful to attempt to get out of it.   

working in tangent with that image today, i was able to admit all the shoulds wrapped around me - i should've done something different, should've called him out on stuff, should've been able to say something to stop what was going on, etc.  lots of self-blame i hadn't realized was there.  as i was processing this, the realization hit me that i CAN'T blame myself because if i did it would crush me to know that.   i felt like it would drive me to insanity.

this led to looking at the situation we were working on and  i eventually understood that, as i've mentioned before, i was unformed and unaware of what i could and couldn't do, of my boundaries, and of my self as a person.  not shaming or blaming myself was part of a survival strategy to get thru life.  so, when it came to today, i began crying uncontrollably, thinking of all i should have done differently.  as one thought after another went thru my mind. i finally saw that i was incapable of doing something different than i'd done.  i truly didn't have the knowledge, awareness, or access too my emotions that would have allowed me to do something different.  i was trapped by past trauma, wrapped up in it so tightly the me i have come to know (who would and has done things differently) was suffocated, and had no true voice with which to speak.

it was a huge realization, but it felt real and solid, and i finally was able to say with heartfelt reality that i'm not to blame, that i don't blame myself just like i don't blame others here who are struggling with the blame game.  the trauma was not my fault; therefore, i won't blame myself.  and, i don't feel like i have to hold blame to anyone else, not in a nasty way, but i can hold people accountable for their actions and words.  and, let that go.  finally.  at the end of the session, i saw the image of a newborn foal on her wobbly legs (that's how my legs felt) struggling to stand, make a new life, ready to grow into the beautiful horse she is to become. 

as i sat looking at the trees afterwards, i smiled, and i could feel the smile inside me, which is something new.  this is what putting myself thru this pain is all about.  a new life.

[Armadillo]

It IS about a new life, isn't it? And that fits so beautifully with your chrysalis imagery. I am going to need to live vicariously through your imagery abilities!

It sounds like you got a really huge break through today where you very much feel and believe the truth that you are not to blame, that you could not have stopped what happened, and that you are not the one who did something wrong here. Those powerful realizations can be life changing.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armadillo, you're welcome to any imagery you find helpful.  and, yes, it feels like a new life.  getting rid of feelings that belong elsewhere, or to others is not only freeing but, for me, also grounding.  i've been floaty too often in my life, so this groundedness feels a bit awkward, a little heavy, but not so heavy that i can't bring it along.   

almost a little fearful of looking at this new realization too closely, like it will somehow not be there if i look too closely, but i can feel it next to me.  it's like a big box, maybe a safe, that is chained to me so i can keep it with me, drag it along as i move forward.  hmm, i didn't think of a safe before, but it might make sense if i delve into it a bit.  i don't think it's something to keep neg. feelings i've been carrying around for too long - i doesn't feel like it's dragging me down or too heavy to life.  it's made of cardboard.  oooh, i just looked into it and, light as feathers, it is holding more pos. realizations for me, more pos. emotions/feelings, more happiness that i will be able to experience. 

the chain feels heaviest.  don't know quite why yet.  but the good stuff from my session is staying with me.  that's something i can celebrate.   i'm still a bit wobbly, still a foal, but i can feel the itch to grow getting stronger.  little by little.

[Armadillo]

That's awesome to be to keep so much good and light stuff with you!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
That image of you as a foal, and stepping out tentatively - I wish you strength to take those steps.  But remember, that if you falter or fall, then we're here alongside you, and between us all, we're strong.  You are strong.


Hope