digging out of the muck

Started by sanmagic7, January 18, 2021, 05:32:01 AM

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rainydiary

San, I appreciate you sharing your reflection.  These are questions and thoughts and wonderings I have too.  I find it difficult to accept we are on the timeline we are on and often wonder if I could have started healing sooner.  I'm not sure why things take the time they take.  I am trying to appreciate where I am now and go from there.  But I fall short a lot.  I am thinking of you as you navigate your journey. 

Armadillo

It's a heavy post, San Magic, and some heavy stuff to be working through. The solution will always be kindness to ourselves once we are safe and then from there we can be there for others. I don't know your story but it sure sounds like you were not safe enough to be able to do more than you did any sooner than you have. Here, you are giving back to others showing us how to heal. I have no doubt you are doing that in your personal life too, for those it is safe to do so with. It may be that some relationships could have been better but none of us can go backwards in time.

I'm glad you said what you did about feeling envious of younger members getting to a place to heal at a younger age. Because I keep getting mad at myself for not seeing things before I was 40 and fixing them sooner. What I really wish is that kids and teens didnt get lost in their trauma that people who should be paying attention help them get help so they can be free as soon as possible.

sanmagic7

rainy, thanks for your insights and caring.  much appreciated.   :hug:

armadillo. i think you hit the nail on the head here, speaking about the heaviness of issues i'm presently dealing with.  all day today i've felt uneasy, unsettled, and i think it's because of the weightiness of what i'm working thru.  and thank you so much for your kind words.  i'm sure i wasn't safe enough before to be any different than what i was - how can we do something we don't know, right?  i can only go on from today being the person i'm learning i truly am.   :hug:

i've decided to talk to my t tomorrow about how i felt today, like maybe i need to take a break from processing.  more and more pieces are popping up, and i don't know if i've had a chance to become fully at rest with what i've been working on lately.  dang, tho, when this happens, it feels like going backwards - again!  but, i'm remembering that we are in the middle of packing, of making the most distressing move i've had to make besides running away from the insanity and going to mexico 20 years ago.  yeah, i guess this is a big deal and that maybe a break from hard therapy should be put on hold for a bit.  we get the keys to our new place next tues., so everything is coming to a head.

we haven't even seen the place, either.  i hope it's like i picture it, clean and airy and quiet.  that would feel so nice . . .my D and are were talking about all the moves we've made.  she's made quite a few, but then i told her about my number, and i don't think she could quite wrap her head around it.  in a 10-yr. period i moved among 3 different states, back and forth, and too many cities to remember, but i recall, during that time i moved 38 times.  and there's about 15 more moves, incl. to mexico and another state since.  i think i may be numb to it.  i've had the rug pulled out from under me too many times.  i just want someplace to settle and live out my life.  just in the past 5 years, i moved from mex. to my D's place for a few weeks, than a year renting a room in someone's house, then this house, and now an apt.  i'm very tired. 

rainydiary

San, I am thinking of you during this time.  I've made a number of moves in my life and your reflections about moving resonate with me.  Best wishes as this all comes together.

Armadillo

Moving is daunting even when it is a positive joyful move that you really want to make. This one has a lot tied up in it and of course it's hard and overwhelming and scary and so so uncertain. I think it makes a lot of sense to go slow on processing things for a little bit to focus on moving and settling in. And yet I also totally understand the impulse to power through it all (the trauma processing) to get to the other side of it faster, especially since you are feeling like you already waited too long to heal.

There's nothing wrong with taking it slow for a week or two and seeing if that feels better or worse to you. 

:hug:

I hope your new home is bright and airy and cheery and home-y.

sanmagic7

thanks, rainy, for the validation and support.  much appreciated. :hug:

armadillo, you're right.  nothing wrong with powering down until i get settled in our new place.  my t and i just chatted, even tho i had issues popping up the past few days. :hug:

the one thing my T is doing now is anticipating my needs, something i haven't experienced a lot of (mostly not at all) until i moved in with my D, who has many times given me permission to take a break, don't do what i don't feel like doing, etc.  this past fri., once again, as one issue gets processed, it's making room for others to pop up and plague me.  this time it was a lot about my ex, ugly/gross stuff, and the images were running thru my mind every time i wasn't being distracted. 

we'd talked about taking the processing slowly, that i had enough going on at the moment, but at the end of chatting about this stuff, she volunteered to take them all from me, hold onto them for me so i didn't have to carry them in my mind.  once again, relief flooded thru me at this gesture, and i let out a great sigh, which she noticed and commented on.  i told her again the she and my D are really the only 2 people in my life who have consistently looked at me, noticed me, and took over for me as i struggled.  my T said 'it's about time.'

such a release of even a part of the responsibility i've carried for myself and everyone else just takes a weight off that i didn't realize the full extent of, or how much energy it's been taking me to do everything, think of everything, then carry it out or delegate.  it's quite a dense concept for me, but i'm so grateful to these 2 women.  i don't quite trust it yet - my default is to jump in and take care of whatever is going on, with myself included.  to have someone jump in for me is still too new to actualize in my mind.  but it feels so freakin' good!!!

Armadillo

 :hug:

I'm so happy you have your T and D taking some of the burden and noticing what you need and helping to provide it. It does indeed sound likenits about time you had that type of care and real tangible support. :hug:

How's the packing coming?

sanmagic7

thank you armadillo - so very appreciated.  packing is still going on but at least it's continuing.  neither of us have frozen over it - we just keep putting one foot after another. :hug:

am in the middle of grieving this place, so i don't have a lot to give.  we got the keys last tuesday, and i really like the apt.  moving is on the 22nd, then a return trip to clean the house.  too many emotions to elucidate, but the sadness comes out in spurts and i find myself crying from the smallest of triggers here.  the community we found here was unbelievable, like nothing i've known before.  so very hard to leave it behind.

Armadillo

There's a lot to grieve about moving from a place you love. Take your time. I'm happy to hear you like the new place too and hope the community is warm and welcoming.  :hug:

Not Alone


sanmagic7

armadillo, thank you so for your words of caring.  i hope so, too. :hug:

notalone, thanks for that embracing hug.  it made my heart smile.

sometimes i think i'm doing ok, then a niggling little bit of disturbance makes itself known and begins building, all in a matter of seconds.  will this be ok?  will that work out?  what about that other thing?  it's simply draining and exhausting.  head to the medicine cabinet for xanax, out to the garage for a smoke.  honestly, having to rely on these things now to get me thru the day is nerve-wracking, makes me feel weak for not shouldering this like i used to. i'm so topsy turvy right now.

i really do feel like the apt. will be a place to make a fresh start, at least for me.  my d has already looked into the future and all she sees is that eventually she'll be moving again.  it's disheartening to me to hear that, and she's full of anger about all of this.  i guess i'm so used to things not always turning out the way i'd expected or wanted or hoped for that my survival mechanisms are running full speed.  all i'm looking forward to now is getting out of this place. and starting over.

*sigh* i think, i don't know.  i have so many emotions inside that i can't pinpoint.  they will flash out every so often, but then recede quickly and i hardly have time to acknowledge them before they're gone and i've already forgotten what they are.  i just want this move to be done - i'm feeling so anxious about everything!  2 neighbors are supposed to come over to get some big items out of our house so the restore people can come and pick them up, but we haven't heard about a time, so i'm already worried we're gonna be stuck leaving that stuff here and we won't get our deposit back. 

ok, feels like an avalanche  :fallingbricks: of worries and concerns are about to crush me.  ugh!!!

Armadillo

#86
Aw San Magic,

It's so much stress and uncertainty and I can feel how much you just want some peace and stability and how much you have earned that, many times over.

You know, it is ok to need a little extra help coping right now to get through this unsettled period. Please don't beat yourself up for needing a xanax and a smoke. It is smart to get help getting through this since you don't have the luxury of collapsing into a heap of depression or anxiety right now. Anything to keep moving. And if you are able, do something that makes you feel good too, when you can. If you can't, that's ok too. Sometimes life and triggers are too much to be able to do anything more than just survive.

One thing that has helped me when the stress of what ifs have become overwhelming is to really truly focus on the present moment down to a micro-level. Yes, in 5 minutes things might be terrible but right this second things are ok. Of course, I want to punch my T when he tells me stuff like this cause it feels like he doesn't understand...but when I am able to, it does help. And although I am currently safely out of punching distance from you, San Magic I am very sorry if this kind of trite advice lands wrong and hurts or annoys you. And feel free to tell me to shove it, especially if it makes you feel better. :D

I hope you find out soon that your neighbors have taken care of the furniture so that one worry can be taken off your plate.

Love and hugs back to  you.  :hug:

sanmagic7

my dear armadillo, your words of kindness and acceptance were exactly what i needed.  thank you so much. :hug:

yeah, just getting thru each day now is extremely wearing.  we're doing the next to final packing, one room at a time.  yesterday, the kitchen took about 6 hrs.  that's the biggest, most difficult of the bunch, but i think part of my stress is having to be on this schedule, not of my own choosing, and not getting the breaks i want at the time i want them.  just have to keep pushing till it's done.  i had a difficult time settling last nite, didn't get a lot of sleep.

we did get the furniture moved either to the doorway or into the garage so the Restore people can pick them up fri.  our 2 neighbors helped - washer, dryer, massive loveseat out to the garage, and pushed another sofa and loveseat to a door.  the Restore people won't come into the house because of the covid restrictions, so we are now without laundry facilities for over a week.  little by little, tho, i guess. 

i can tell it's disturbing me inside cuz my tetchiness and distress signals are going off.  another cig has been added, as well as more xanax.  dang, i'm working really hard to keep those amounts down, but i guess i'll just have to let it be what it is till i can settle.  i don't want to feel guilty or ashamed, even tho they're trying to come into my mind, because that doesn't help me relax, which is the point of using something to de-stress in the first place.  it's a tough battle, tho. 

at any rate, i just feel so busy and unsettled right now, and that's not sitting well with me.  therapy in a few minutes - that does help me settle down a bit, at least.

Not Alone

San, your life is uber-stressful right now. As long as you are being safe, you are taking care of yourself by getting help with xanax. I used to wait until I was at the edge of a cliff or had fallen over before I took a xanax. I now look at it as self-care to take something before I'm at the edge.

Armadillo

Did therapy help?

It's a ton of work to move. You're doing great.