digging out of the muck

[Armee]

Here, you can lean on our shoulders until you feel less wobbly and down trodden.

I've really struggled with explaining the same, even to my T and myself, about things being so long ago and not a big deal and I should be over them by now.

Yes, I agree with your friend! Unfortunately we all know that is not how traumatic memories work. That is why they are so potent and life altering. They continue to play when triggered, against our will and even knowledge. They wreck havoc on our moods and nervous system. They cause physical pain and other symptoms because we've activated some particular set of neurons that store all this information and those neurons start firing and bring us to that time. 

I have been very aware of one particular traumatic event. I've never felt upset about it. It happened, it sucked. I understood why it happened. So in your friend's nontraumatized world, I am over it, it was so long ago in the past, things are fine now. I am safe. Oh I believe that 100%.

But if something happens that activates those particular neurons that hold that memory....I won't even be aware that they have been activated, I am not thinking about what happened, but my body is responding as if it is happening all over again. Complete with excruciating pain, smell hallucinations, fear, and shutdown.

I'm intrigued now to try to find a good reference to explain this...I may be back.

But big strong hugs to you San. You'll get to the other side of this one. It sucks right now though and that's why I've made you a warm cup of hot cocoa and picked a sunny bouquet of sweet smelling flowers. Here. Sit at my table. I understand what you are going through. I know you are not ruminating on the past. The past is ruminating on you and it sucks.

[sanmagic7]

armee, you are a fount of comfort and wisdom.  everything you said about neurons firing made perfect sense.  against our will and our knowledge - so very true.  and, in someone's non-traumatized world, it wouldn't make sense.  thanks for all the validation all the time.  and for helping me see things more clearly.

session went well.  again, a 10 at feeling stressed, and body tension everywhere.  with flash, we were able to get it down to a 5.  part of this stress and tension came from trying to process my friend's call, part was from the idea that everything was leaking out after i kind of opened it up, and part was my fear that therapy was going to have to open more stuff up, which will stress me further.  my body is deteriorating because of the stress, so bringing more in frightens me.

so, we were able to bring all that down, but the realizations that popped up stressed me out.  it's like a push-me, pull-you situation.  part of me gets to feeling better for a while, then another realization or understanding or memory pops up and the cycle returns.  this time i talked about how, since i was very young, maybe 5 or 6, i would lose myself in tv shows or books.  by that i mean, i was no longer aware of the world of reality in which i existed.  like i exited the real world and immersed myself in whatever i was watching or reading.

it still happens at times to this day.  when i was young, i can see it as a way to escape my reality, to go to a place where i didn't have expectations of perfection placed on my shoulders at every turn.  people would call my name, and it took maybe 3 or 4 times before i became aware of it.  it was like i absented myself from their world.  nowadays when i do that and someone, even my D who tries to be very gentle about getting my attention, gets thru to me, it startles me.  i have left this world so completely, i don't have knowledge or recognition that someone else may be near me.

my T and i talked about how this may be a form of distraction, or the possibility that it's a form of dissociation.  that is upsetting to realize.  the idea that i was dissociating at such a young age!  my mom told me  (in later years) that before my sister was born, which made me less than 2, she approached my dad to ask if he could take it a little easier on the next baby.  i can't imagine how strict he must have been with a baby/toddler - me - for her to dare to say something about it.  no wonder i would disappear myself.  those kinds of expectations, well, they make me want to cry for that baby.

[Blueberry]

Here's a soft comfy blanket to wrap that little baby girl and toddler girl up in. Maybe she'd like to choose a stuffy animal to keep her safe too? Mama Bear, Mama Lioness? Some other animal? 

[Pippi]

Wanted to send you some warmth and comfort, too, sanmagic 7.  I can relate to much of what you wrote, about escaping so completely into an alternate reality (for me, it was elaborate fantasies that felt real, and eased the pain of what was actually going on by simply leaving it).  I was also so struck when you wrote about "ninjas of trauma leaping out of the dark sweeping my legs out from under me..."  As the others have said, it is NOT something you can just get over (how could you possibly just "get over" unexpected attacks by ninjas?!).  Rather, our brains are reacting as any brain would, when it's been exposed to overwhelming experience.  I hope you can hear all the love and support here, and give yourself the compassion and gentle kindness that you absolutely deserve, and have always deserved.   

[owl25]

Sending comfort and care 

[Armee]

It is sad to think what that little baby might have gone through and I feel you providing warmth and care to her now and trying to understand what she - YOU - went through.

I find it hard, too, to think about what might be the source of dissociation. I definitely have it and it's my worst symptom.

[Snowdrop]

I remember losing myself in things as well, San. I hadn't realised I might be dissociating, so thank you for posting this.

I have so much compassion for the baby San. She deserved to be cherished and treated with kindness.

[sanmagic7]

you all brought tears to my eyes this morning. 

blueberry, that comfy blanket and stuffed animal - don't remember having either as a child, just my doll who would soothe me to sleep - are so welcome and precious to my psyche.  thank you so.

pippi, thank you so for your kind, comforting words.  bringing attention to the love and kindness here, thank you.  you don't know how badly i've needed this today.

armee, thanks for being in my corner.  the way i see dissociation, and how i've experienced it in sessions, has been an escape from something too difficult to deal with on a conscious level.  the wrongs we've had to endure, well, they can just be too many and too much to remember and attempt a resolution for in the present, don't you think?  that's how i see it.  you are carrying the weight of many woes, i'm guessing.   

snowdrop, thank you, so, for that big hug.  i'm a sucker for them - like they (and you)  are bringing me into a warm, caring embrace.  i never thought that getting lost in those things as dissociation before yesterday, either, but when i mentioned the possibility, my T agreed it could, indeed, be exactly that, rather than some type of distraction.  to me, that feeling of my entire self being removed from the reality around me seems like so much more than a distraction.  i know when i'm distracting myself.  this is another level entirely.

so, once again, my ex struck.  yesterday, my D an i were going over something when he texted her that there was a problem or something.  anyway, she called him back, spoke to him for a bit, then came back into the room.  it seems that D1 was getting some mail with my name on it from soc. sec.  to me, this seems simple enough to solve.  she could've thrown it away (like apparently she has in the past - he mentioned to my D2 that this has happened before), she could've called them to stop delivery, or he could've done the same if he was going to act on her behalf.

instead, he chose the option of using D2 as a go-between again (this happened as lately as last year when he decided to sell our house w/o consulting me).  he's scared of me, so puts the burden of his communication with me on the shoulders of my daughter.  when this happened last year, she was very upset at being put in the middle of 2 people who have issues with each other, and i told him both on the phone and by email not to put her in that position again, it wasn't fair to her, and it's not her business, it was his and my business, and we're the only ones who need to be involved.

so, i am angry and shaken.  i did talk to my D just now, she didn't realize i'd told him not to do this to her again, and i told her i'm going to email him to tell him again.  i also told her that if he does this again, to tell him to talk to me so she doesn't have to be in the middle of it. she's ok with that.  that made me feel better about her, altho it was an extremely emotional talk.  in the end, she told me how she can feel the hate coming off me toward him, and she's having a hard time dealing with that, too.  i told her i'm working on it cuz i don't want to feel this hate, have never hated anyone before, and she understands. 

she went on to say that there has been so much deceit w/in our family she doesn't have any trust in what anyone says, and she doesn't want to go any farther back cuz she can't handle it.  she's staying in the present w/ both him and me, and that's as much as she can rely on.  she did agree that if i told him already not to involve her, that he shouldn't have done this.  i am shaking as i write all this.  one more time he's hurting my D and that is so very upsetting to me.  now, i'm going to send him an email telling him to leave her out of our business, and that i've told her if he does this again, to tell him to talk to me.  it will feel good to do that.

dang, does this crapola ever end?!!!!!!

[Armee]

Oh San. 

I didn't realize he was still in your life and inflicting ongoing harm to you and your daughter and your relationship with her.

I wish I could just make it all go away for you. 

[sanmagic7]

yes, he's still alive.  this won't be over till he's dead.  i wish you could take it all away, too, armee.  thank you so for that lovely, embracing hug.  i think i need to take a nap.   

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you get some rest during your nap.  I know you were planning to send an email to re-assert your boundaries re: your ex, and I hope that you were able to do that, and I admire you for doing so. 

Imagining you are hopefully resting and enjoying your nap now, I hope so.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Oh san, I'm sorry your ex is using d as a go-between, even though you've told him not to. Yuck. That's like my parents and no-longer-friend no.1. 

[rainydiary]

San, I am sorry to hear about the ex dynamics you are dealing with.  I hope that you and your Ds find a way to keep managing as a team. 

[Larry]

hi sanmagic,  i want to say something helpful,  i just don't know how,  but i am thinking of you,  and wish you the best

[Snowdrop]

I'm not surprised you were shaking. Your ex's behaviour is plain wrong in so many ways. I have a part who says pooh to him. I hope you've been able to rest.