Vent: Self-hatred and perceived "weakness" because of trauma

[goblinchild]

I just hate myself so so so much. I'm overwhelmed by it.

A friend told me sometimes people perceive the state they go into when enduring trauma as a persona, and they hate that persona for being "weak enough" to be hurt or for "letting" the trauma happen. I still have so much hate. I just click into this mode, I feel like I look crazy and act meek and stupid. I hate my hair, I hate my face, I hate my shy posture and how my voice sounds so young and scared sometimes. There's too much hatred to feel it all. I'm so overwhelmed.

I remember feeling this way in the thick of trauma. I still have moments when I feel like all of that trauma was my fault. I ask myself why I let it happen. How could I have been so ...weak, I guess? Weak and embarrassing. I'm still weak and embarrassing. I don't know what my problem is.

[marta1234]

Goblinchild, I completely feel what you're talking about. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, the inner critic can be very nasty and go into extremes.
So many times (too many to count) during my teens I would go through this self hatred, exactly as you described. I'd hate myself, my brain, my body and every little action I've done. But I want to tell you, it's not true. Those are just internalized voices of our abuser(s), and sometimes our own criticism but to the extreme.
You are not dumb, you are not stupid, you're not too sensitive. You are a precious person. You are smart in your own ways. Your body is your body, and there's nothing wrong with how it is right now (I hope this makes sense).
You are human. You have emotions. You feel upset. You feel anger. And it's all because we are human. So no, you're not "exaggerating". Our abusers tell us, why are you so emotionally affected? But it is normal. The human body uses emotions for it's daily functioning, ex: we feel uncomfortable when it's too hot, so we must cool down; or "this wind is too chilly", and it's making me feel worse, so I must protect myself to not catch a cold, but more importantly, to no longer feel this unpleasantry.
I know that most of what I wrote won't get through this dark cloud of criticism and hatred, but I hope some of it has.

Sending you support and care, and a blanket of comfort (if it's ok)

[Not Alone]

It was not your fault. It was not your fault. It was not your fault.

[Armadillo]

Gosh can I relate to this! It's so flipping sad though when I see someone else feeling that way. Hugs to you friend. One day you'll be able to not hate yourself. One day I will be able to. It's a mighty fine coping mechanism, for a bit.

[Armadillo]

I just hate myself so so so much. I'm overwhelmed by it.

... How could I have been so ...weak, I guess? Weak and embarrassing. I'm still weak and embarrassing. I don't know what my problem is.

Oh ouch I relate to this all too much. But we know what your problem is...you are a good person and someone or multiple someone's harmed you over and over.