Touch deprivation

[Bella]

Hi!
One issue has really troubled me these days... I'm married to a very warm, affectionate and loving husband. Feel very fortunate I have him in my life. The thing is that I've been struggling with a lot of EF's lately, and even though I get all the hugs I want from my husband, it doesn't seem to help ease the sense of hunger for affection I have. When I'm in therapy, the therapist does use some bodywork-techniques and touch is part of it.  The more she touches me, the more I crave it! I feel like a 5 year old, that wants to crawl onto her lap and just be held.
The shame is unbearable, so I haven't talked to her about it.
What can I do? It feels like I haven't eaten for a long time, and the hunger is killing me! The craving is making me crazy! Can anyone relate to this at all? Or am I just a freak?

[saylor]

Sometimes I feel like I want to be nurtured as one would nurture a child. For those of us who missed out on that sort of thing back when it was supposed to happen, I think that's only natural.

Re: shame, I'll bet your T wouldn't be at all surprised if you shared this craving with her, and maybe it would help open the way for some breakthroughs in therapy. One thought: is there something your H could do to help you satisfy this need at home? Maybe you could figure out how, when you need it, he could provide you something like the kind of bodywork you get from T. My own partner does some types of bodywork (just stuff that we came up with—nothing "formal") for me right before bed, and it's very calming.

If it helps to think of it this way, there's a very strong chemical basis for the craving you describe: oxytocin. You may need more of it. It could be an important ingredient for healing (https://myalcomy.com/body-language-blog/oxytocin-touch)

[Bella]

Saylor; You have no idea how much your response mean to me... even if everyone is kind of anonymous on this forum, posting my thoughts and feelings about this issue really cost me. Being validated made me more calm, gave me a sense of acceptance, and that I'm not a total freak. Thank you so much!
And those were good tips on how to try to manage this... I think I will be able to talk to my husband about it. I might need some more time before daring to talk to my therapist about it though.
Looking forward to read the link you posted.
If it's ok with you, I'd like to give you a hug! 

[saylor]

Saylor; You have no idea how much your response mean to me...:

Aw, thank you. I'm glad to be of help!
Good luck!

[marta1234]

Bella, I don't know if this is the same thing, but I did want to share what I go through. When I'm in a specific EF, even if I do receive touch, like a hug, I find it triggers my EF even worse for some reason, like I automatically push it away as it was a bad thing (for protection). So in those moments, it's hard to understand what I want, as I'm feeling very depressed and alone in the EF (more so than usual), but touch does not seem to help.
I also struggle with the fact that it feels like I never have enough of physical comfort from someone, like I don't have enough of hugs, etc. I think it's just those holes inside of us that symbolise the absence of comfort and warmth when needed in our childhood.
Hope this helps  

[Bella]

Thank you, Marta1234 for your support! It does help to hear your experiences. It makes sense that these wounded, rejected little parts of us are yearning for affection, and feel they can never have enough of it, as it was a constant lack of it growing up.
I've just been very confused about why I have these yearnings, when I'm fortunate enough to have a husband that does give me all the hugs I want. But I guess it is the more grown up part of me that are married, recieve affection, and relate to him. My child-parts not so much... they find themselves in a perpetual state of hunger for love and affection. No wonder EF's are excruciatingly painful!

[bluepalm]

Bella, I can relate to your experiences. You say: 'My child-parts not so much... they find themselves in a perpetual state of hunger for love and affection. No wonder EF's are excruciatingly painful!' Yes! Absolutely! This wound of not being touched is central to my trauma.

My father turned his back on me and left the hospital room when my mother offered me to him to hold after my birth. My mother said she left me on my own all day while she went shopping and forgot she had a baby until she came home in the evening and I was still there lying in my cot. She told me she hated touching and being touched. She told me she would leave me to cry by myself all night behind a closed door because that's what they were told to do in those days. The only time my parents touched me was to hit me - my father in ritual beatings, my mother frequently with her heavy hand across my head.

My most painful recent EF entailed many hours of being lost in a panic, feeling like an infant pleading, please, to be touched, picked up, held. I have never in my life been able to cling to anyone and the absence of this sits in my body like a radiating energy - as if this painful unmet need is coming out of my skin trying to reach someone. It's something I'm conscious of every day of my life. It makes me feel unfit for human company because my need so  hugely outweighs what anyone can give me and I shy away from people lest they feel the intensity of my need. It's one reason I keep my social activities fairly brief and formal. It's one reason I've been on my own for most of my life. It's one reason I look forward to dying, to the cessation of living with this intense painful unmet wish to cling to another human being.

However, I do not feel I am a freak. Since understanding about complex relational trauma, I feel intensely sad for myself. I no longer feel ashamed of the need. i understand that I am human and my natural human needs for touch, affection, and love have never been met. It was not my fault and I have to manage the consequences as best I can until I cease to be.  I have been on my own for many decades after leaving a marriage with a man who also did not touch or want to be touched and who was incapable of love, affection, or intimacy. Two ways of managing for me now are having dogs to care for and having a soft toy to hold in bed. I do not feel ashamed of holding a soft toy at 72 years of age either. I feel it is understandable and a small way to be kind to myself.

So, Bella, Saylor, Marta 1234, thank you for your posts.  I hope my sharing my experiences helps others to not feel so alone with this intense craving to touch, to cling, which seems to sit always inside my body like a live electric current striving for connection because it was not satisfied at the right time in infancy or thereafter.
bluepalm

[Bella]

Bluepalm; My heart goes out to you! Reading about your experience, really made me feel at least some of the pain you've endured for the most of your life! You really explain the sensation of skin-hunger in a very accurate way. I could relate to your description of it. I'm also happy to hear that you have been able to put away any feeling of shame about how you feel.  It does make total sense, that one would crave touch, when it wasn't given at the most crucial time in our life. Babies do die of touch deprivation, so it is basically just as important as food to stay alive...
Weird thing though... this seems to be quite understandable for me when it comes to everyone else, just not for myself... for some reason..
I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
Sending you a hug.... if it's ok with you! 

[bluepalm]

Thank you Bella 

[Love-warrior]

Hi Bella and the others,
How brave you are to open up on this. It's truly courageous! I relate to your experiences with no physical contact with my dad at early ages, and a distant/cold mom. We spend our lives searching for that contact. My skin is so dry, and I just learn to touch it tenderly, to smooth with a nice shower and cream. Now I am having skin problems for almost 2 years. I  know my skin is yelling at me for some deep and lasting care. It's been two yeas I am separated from my husband (futur ex) and since then, I have no physical nor sexual contact with someone. I need to negotiate hugs from my son (who is also resisting my hugs by the way!) and my pets. I was told to hug myself by a therapist (look at "butterfly hug" on youtube) and I talk to myself when showering. Well, it's still a very long way to go...
So I am sending you love and take good care,

[Bella]

Hi Love-warrior! Thank you for your kind words, and for also sharing your experience. I think the more people share about these things the less shame will rule in our lives.