overloaded and stressed

[sanmagic7]

my body is doing its best to hang on, but each day brings something new in the way of stress-related issues.  this house is now a trigger in itself for feeling trapped (we have to stay until our lease is up at the end of june)  like i've felt so many times in my life.   the struggles we've gone thru, the mind games we've had to deal with from this landlord, the disregard/denial we've been thru for wanting to get basic things fixed up, it's all triggering now.  i'm on edge most of the day. now i hate it here, want nothing more than to leave, can't wait till i can get out.

thank you all for your support, hugs, well wishes,, validation and caring.  i appreciate each of you so much.  love to you all.   

this trauma crapola sucks.  i'm on more meds just to be able to make it thru the day and also to fall asleep at night.  the night meds have now caused me to gain weight and swell up, so i'm also feeling physically uncomfortable in my own skin.  this font is called 'andale', and in spanish that means 'let's go'.  yes, get me outta here!

[Not Alone]

this trauma crapola sucks.

Yes and amen!!!

I think that for the non-traumatized person, what you and your daughter have been dealing with would be extremely stressful. Add to that how it hooks into the trauma . . . Aghh! 

Sending you and your daughter lots of love and hugs. 

[Blueberry]

  in bucketloads

the struggles we've gone thru, the mind games we've had to deal with from this landlord, the disregard/denial we've been thru for wanting to get basic things fixed up
This is something I know well, but on a lower level than you. My place isn't bad for my physical health.

May the month of June come speedily for you but not too speedily that you don't have anywhere to move to. 

[sanmagic7]

notalone and blueberry, your words were exactly what i needed tonite.  somehow they've allowed me to settle enough so that i can go to sleep.  thank you for that.  a blessing indeed.

[Blueberry]

 

[Kizzie]

Sending loads of    your way San, we are here and we care about you.   So sorry this is such a tough time     

[Tee]

  sending love San I'm sorry your struggling so right. June will be here soon and then you will find a new place and things will start looking up.  Just hold on it will get better.  Send love and comfort.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, the hugs and sleep are just right, especially since doing emdr work and getting my 2 doses of the vaccine this past month.  still feeling the effects of the second one, but it wasn't quite as bad as expected.  the weird thing about that was that i was almost disappointed.  i know how to be sick, feeling crummy, all that stuff cuz i've been that way for so long, but to have this almost abbreviated was something i didn't expect.  weird how that can happen.  it's almost like being sick is a comfortable way to feel.   

thank you, kizzie, for your warm wishes and support.  i've been so under with everything, i've had nothing to give, and writing about it just stirred things up again when there are days that things seem to have settled a bit.  what a frickin' roller coaster this is.

tee, as alwasy, thank you for the love and hugs you've sent my way.  they are always appreciated and bring warmth to my heart.  we're just hanging on, we'll find a place, we'll make do.  it's just been too many times.  before i was 30, i'd moved 38 times, and after that another 10 or so, to a different country as well as back to the states, but another state, where i've already moved 3 times in 4 yrs.  i've lived in trailers, houses, apartments, even a motel and my car for several weeks.  i may be a gypsy, but my blood just wants to settle and be comfortable for a long time.  ugh!

still meeting with my t 2x/week, still quite unstable, and the bigger this stress has gotten, the easier the intrusive thoughts, especially about my ex are able to pop in and i have a harder and harder time pushing them away.  like i told my t, i've had so many life experiences with bad people that even something as mundane as sweeping the floor is a trigger (my first hub would get on me that i wasn't sweeping right!)  he's dead, but the memories didn't die w/ him.  this pile-up has been so tremendous, over the years, my t, at one point, told me (after i'd been telling her about being trapped within the unholy trinity of my icky t, my ex, and my eldest d) that what she's understanding i went thru is nearly unfathomable. 

i'd never heard it put that way, but it doesn't seem that way to me, mainly cuz i lived thru it.  now, however, this feeling of being trapped has really got me by the short hairs again - trapped in this house and the b.s. we've been put thru by the ogre who owns it, by still now being sure where we're going to live in 2 1/2 months,  and trapped by the triggers that continue circling me, jabbing and stabbing me when i'm not looking.

so far, i just cannot feel free of any of it, and am still overwhelmed.  my mind is tarnished by neg. thoughts and remembrances that continue to jump out at me, my body is physically exhibiting more and harsher signs of stress, and my brain feels so numb at times, as if it's attempting to give itself a little time off.  this crisis mode has gone on over a year and a half now.  i'm hangin' as best i can, but if it weren't for my d, i'd be ready to cash it in.  it's too much for too long for one person to continue to take and i'm so very afraid of losing my mind.  that's the scariest part for me.  some days it seems awfully close.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry you are struggling and overwhelmed San, I really am 

I know you're not in a good place so maybe your D could contact the housing authority where you live to see if you are eligible?  It would take so much off your overloaded plate to have a place to move to that's long term and maybe even offers a bit of a community.

[Blueberry]

   to you san

[Not Alone]

San, wish I could take off some of the many burdens that you carry. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, kizzie. actually, from the time i began living w/ my D, she's done 99% of everything - finances, appts., phone calls, dealing w/ anyone about anything.  i've had so little to do in that area because she's been so responsible for me.  this has all come up, i believe, because i've had such a wonderful relationship with her that all the crapola that's distracted me in other relationships had finally gone away.  it left room for memories, triggers, thoughts, - all the ugly junk - to come to the surface and wreak havoc w/ my brain.  then, the stress of this house since last sept.,and everything that's gone along w/ it, plus a bunch of deaths of family and friends last year just overwhelmed me, and the stress from that has taken its toll physically, mentally, and emotionally.  that's why i'm still talking w/ my t 2x/week - if nothing else, it helps me stabilize, at least for a few days.

i appreciate your suggestion, tho.  if she weren't already taking care of so much, i'd definitely look into it.  thanks for caring.   

blueberry, those hugs mean the world.  thank you so.   

notalone, i so appreciate your support.  thank you.


2 mos. till our lease is up, still nowhere to live.  just dealing w/ that stress would be enough, but because of it i'm more vulnerable to intrusive thoughts, inability to sleep, can't hardly get thru a day w/o xanax, my hair is thinning, low energy, etc.  i just want to settle someplace quiet for a while.  that sounds like heaven to me right now.  i haven't been able to process using emdr cuz last time i did my legs went out, and now i've got a fear of that running through my brain.  hopefully, we will be able to target that, relieve some of it.  honestly, it's been one thing after another.  no breaks.  ugh!

[Kizzie]

    and    San, like Notalone I wish I could do more than hugs.

[Not Alone]

      

[Armadillo]

Hey, that sounds like so much! Uncertainty and legitimate fear. I hope you can have a bit of peace amidst all the unknowns.