Starting my journal

[Papa Coco]

Wow.

Just reading about this BPD patient shivers my spine. I had a sister, 11 years older than me who had BPD. She was nowhere near as severe as you describe here, and yet I know that she is responsible for at least 50% of the abuse that has given me my lifelong suicidal ideation. She became fixated on our littlest sister, and I believe she was responsible for my little sister's mysterious passing. Then, when I became the new youngest, she became fixated on me. I know for a fact that she was the reason for my last full-up suicide attempt. So I'm very sorry to hear your NPD became fixated on you. I'm very glad you are rid of him now. My family was NOT supportive, as your work team has been with each other. Mommy Dearest forced us all to "get along" with this monster. After 50 years of being unsupported, and immediately following my final suicide attempt, I quit the family altogether. It was a matter of life or death. I haven't spoken to anyone from my bloodline in 13 years now.

So I get it. I am very glad to hear that your team banded together, supported each other, sought support, and are working to ban this "monster" from ever returning to your facility. And as for the person you say almost quit her job...I get it. If I could hug her right now I would.  And you too.

I use the term monster because monsters can't be tamed. A "beast" is an animal of great strength that can be trained to pull a plow. We call our old heavy duty trucks and tractors "beasts." But monsters...monsters are unmanageable. A monster can't be predicted, trusted, or tamed. A monster attacks indiscriminately, randomly, viciously, and without conscience or reason. The only way to be safe from a monster is to cage it or leave it. I often described my elder sister as an alligator who would eat me alive if I got too close.

I'm happy to hear your alligator is gone for now, and I sincerely hope your organization is successful at permanently banning him from ever returning.

Your story is a good example of how much damage these sociopathic, narcissistic, psychopathic and Borderline PD monsters do to the good people who fall into their traps. Yeah. I see why we're all on this forum. These monsters curdle our blood and leave us with life-long trauma disorders.

Thank you for sharing about this person. Your experience is a great example of what many of us have endured to varying degrees, and why we are now so skittish and so hypervigilant and on edge all the time.

People who judge us and say that we just needed to try harder to get along with them have no idea what they're talking about. Too many Hollywood movies end with the bully becoming a good person in the end. That's not realistic. And any Anti Bullying campaigns that tell us to "stand up to our bullies" are so out of step with the reality around the fact that some bullies are monsters that cannot be stood up to by anyone. Sometimes, escape is the only option.

Anyone who feels bad that they had to estrange from a family, or a job, or a marriage with NPD in it, needs to NOT feel bad about leaving them. It is, all too often, the only real option.

I'm glad you survived him.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry work has been so difficult and triggering.  I hope you do not have to manage that particular patient again.

I thank you too for sharing here because I could also relate that story and how terrorizing it was to growing up in the situation I did, as well. And yes you are right about your observations in the differences between what and how we had to manage alone as children versus a whole professional adult staff and yet it was still so difficult. Eye opening. And remarkable.

[holidayay]

I'm so glad to see my observations are helpful for others on here too. Honestly, it really is incredibly eye-opening being around mentally unwell patients with personality disorders as an adult who isn't powerless, to show me just how damaging it is for children to have to grow around this.

The ward yesterday (first full day after the patient was discharged) was SO much better. I bought cakes in for the staff as a little treat for everyone after everything we had been through - people had been threatened, squared up against, emotionally manipulated and abused and blackmailed and threats with false accusations to scare them into submission - it was a LOT. For 4 whole weeks. The tension had lifted and though we have other troubled patients, no-one as troublesome as that particular patient. I was able to complete my work, I could chat and engage with others and not be have my heart pounding and nervous system activation constantly.
My consultant was very supportive and other staff members checked in with me often; they commented on how bad they felt as they said they noticed a huge change in my demeanour, and felt I was terrified until he left.
My friend from another specialty bought me coffee and a cake and we sat in th coffee shop just chatting, and she sent me some lovely messages of support. All my other friends have been very kind and sympathetic and I am able to go away to stay with a friend living in my previous city from tomorrow - very much looking forward to it! I have also booked in for a massage on Saturday and I'll be off work for a total of 5 days.
What a difference an adequate support system and being able to take care of yourself can make. Most of us on here had NONE of this growing up. It makes me think just how much compassion and empathy we deserve to give ourselves as we heal.

I've been able to sleep without dreams of the ward too! Hurrah!

I can honestly say I agree with the above post about these people being monster-like and the best way is to completely avoid them if you can - there is no working with them because it is all on their terms and the trouble is, their terms are informed by a very dark, twisted understanding of themselves and the world around them. You'll be serving them forever if you try to engage on their terms. My life is infinity less explosive without the daily chaos and turbulence when there are strict boundaries up against these people, to keep them at bay.
They will not feed on us, is my hope for all of us on here.

[Armee]

You'll be serving them forever if you try to engage on their terms.

Yeah. This especially really really hits home, in a bit of a heart sinking way.

[holidayay]

Wow.

Just reading about this BPD patient shivers my spine. I had a sister, 11 years older than me who had BPD. She was nowhere near as severe as you describe here, and yet I know that she is responsible for at least 50% of the abuse that has given me my lifelong suicidal ideation. She became fixated on our littlest sister, and I believe she was responsible for my little sister's mysterious passing. Then, when I became the new youngest, she became fixated on me. I know for a fact that she was the reason for my last full-up suicide attempt. So I'm very sorry to hear your NPD became fixated on you. I'm very glad you are rid of him now. My family was NOT supportive, as your work team has been with each other. Mommy Dearest forced us all to "get along" with this monster. After 50 years of being unsupported, and immediately following my final suicide attempt, I quit the family altogether. It was a matter of life or death. I haven't spoken to anyone from my bloodline in 13 years now.

So I get it. I am very glad to hear that your team banded together, supported each other, sought support, and are working to ban this "monster" from ever returning to your facility. And as for the person you say almost quit her job...I get it. If I could hug her right now I would.  And you too.

I use the term monster because monsters can't be tamed. A "beast" is an animal of great strength that can be trained to pull a plow. We call our old heavy duty trucks and tractors "beasts." But monsters...monsters are unmanageable. A monster can't be predicted, trusted, or tamed. A monster attacks indiscriminately, randomly, viciously, and without conscience or reason. The only way to be safe from a monster is to cage it or leave it. I often described my elder sister as an alligator who would eat me alive if I got too close.

I'm happy to hear your alligator is gone for now, and I sincerely hope your organization is successful at permanently banning him from ever returning.

Your story is a good example of how much damage these sociopathic, narcissistic, psychopathic and Borderline PD monsters do to the good people who fall into their traps. Yeah. I see why we're all on this forum. These monsters curdle our blood and leave us with life-long trauma disorders.

Thank you for sharing about this person. Your experience is a great example of what many of us have endured to varying degrees, and why we are now so skittish and so hypervigilant and on edge all the time.

People who judge us and say that we just needed to try harder to get along with them have no idea what they're talking about. Too many Hollywood movies end with the bully becoming a good person in the end. That's not realistic. And any Anti Bullying campaigns that tell us to "stand up to our bullies" are so out of step with the reality around the fact that some bullies are monsters that cannot be stood up to by anyone. Sometimes, escape is the only option.

Anyone who feels bad that they had to estrange from a family, or a job, or a marriage with NPD in it, needs to NOT feel bad about leaving them. It is, all too often, the only real option.

I'm glad you survived him.

This is absolutely spot on. And I'm so very sorry you had to endure your older sister when you were so young and should have been protected. Little is said about sibling-to-sibling abuse. A lot of people seem to just file it away under 'oh big siblings can be like that', or 'young kids together have their own dynamics; youngest child or middle child syndrome etc etc. It is NOT simply that. Being young and having an older, bigger, more domineering and bully-like personality is TERRIFYING; your child brain doesn't register it is a nonchalant 'of she's just the bigger sister'. No, it is a very real threat to your emotional and physical wellbeing. I resonate with you a lot because I had 5 elder siblings; ranging from 3-10 years older than me, 4 of whom I found absolutely terrifying and who really confuscated in my head what it means to love and be loved. They were all much bigger and taller than me; and 3 of them thought of younger siblings as their little slave. They wanted to constantly talk about themselves and brag about their fighting, scamming, lying and treating others poorly and demanded to be revered and thought of as 'impressive'. They would constantly mock and bully me and do things like threaten me if i didn't go along with what they wanted that I didn't want to do, or to do their cleaning for them.
Its so confusing to be that young and have elder siblings who are monsters as you describe. On the one hand, you still have that child innocence of 'i want them to like me, they're my cooler elder siblings!' or that somehow you need to impress them...and when you have parents that are neglectful or abusive, you start to look towards THEM as guidance....I felt like I was constantly at a loss. Abusive elder siblings take full advantage of this deep need within younger children - they instinctively know they have the power. Its disgusting.
I realised how much it affected my own relationships in my teens when I thought I always had to 'impress' my crushes with how much I knew about THEIR interests and how willing I could be do whatever THEY wanted. I shudder looking back; how I wish I had known better.

I'm so glad for you, that you are away from ALL of your toxic monsters. I hope you are able to give yourself exquisite self-care and have warm, loving people around you now. I've just woken up at 4am as I slept very early evening yesterday, and it still amazes me at how even the smallest of self-care practices help; instead of waking up drenched in sweat and cowering under my covers as I did as a child; I made myself a cup of tea and lit a candle and feel so calm now. I wish the same for you; that you have all of the resources to be able to look after yourself as you deserve.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
I read what you wrote about the sibling relationships, and related to things you said.  Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I'm sorry you've had some of those experiences.
Hope 

[holidayay]

I've had a lot on my mind recently.

In between working, and celebrating with my birthday - which was so amazing, and my friends really outdid themselves, which I'm so grateful for - I still feel like I am grieving.
There are so many mixed emotions that I am struggling with. Anger, regret, fear, anxiety. I realise now how much I have had to play catch up (and still am) after essentially living in flight or fight mode for most of my life. First at home, and then when I left, when dealing with the PTSD that I didn't know about back then, and living with the trauma of the past and what my family put me through. And on top of that, the constant financial threat looming over me - if I didn't have enough money, I'd be terrified I'd have to go back home. And I didn't get any help from family at all.
I've realised when you'e living in flight-or-fight mode, there is no room for you to be living as your self, or room for love, or joy, or openness. Your decision-making capacity is severely impaired and is mostly based on fear and scarcity.
I'm so angry I wasn't allowed to be have my own emotions, needs, sense of self, or to be able to make friends, and have experiences of loving myself enough to have any sort of self-worth. I really never believed I deserved to even be noticed, let alone for others to get to know, form friendships with.
Its so hard to play catch up. I've been working on this for the last few years having finally got myself out of financial survival mode in my 30's. Trying to suddenly have room and space and know how to even DO openness, joy, love is so difficult. I still feel quite depressed and anxious in between flashbacks and constant nightmares.
I've got a wedding to go to next week and I realised its the first one I've been to in years. I'm sad at that. That I hadn't been able to forge long-term friendships in my childhoods, enough for me to be invited to weddings. When I hear people say they have been invited to a wedding or see wedding pictures, I get so triggered. I feel so isolated and unworthy and undeserving.
I feel very undeserving to even feel like I can be entitled to any basic need.
I feel constantly scared that if I put one foot out of line, I will be abandoned, ostracised, shamed, humiliated.
A friend I had a few years ago cut me off after I couldn't hide my severe anxiety from her once. She stopped inviting me to things, stopped messaging me and didn't invite me to her wedding. This experience has left me terrified of exposing any of my needs that might put others out.
I'm so scared I can't do it. I can't catch up? Its too much. How do I heal and find self-worth, lasting community, continue my deep friendships and know they won't just be messed up and I get forgotten about at the switch of a hat?
And I feel envious of others. Others who take for granted: every weekend busy with others; their family, their long term friendships, weddings, parties, holidays, days out, a stern sense of self that isn't so patchy.
My weekends are getting more filled, but still at times, I am alone and I can't bear it anymore. I don't feel any kind of goodness from spending weekends alone. And sometimes I want to yell at well-meaning advice to go out for walks, on my bike, go to the park - 'stop rationalising my being alone! YOU'RE going home to your family, or your childhood home, or so-and-so's wedding who you've known for decades, or holidays in your family's holiday home with your school friends. Try spending MOST OF YOUR childhood so very emotionally and spiritually alone and then much of your adulthood in a different type of alone and spend YOUR weekends by yourself then come back and give advice.'
I hate it all.
I wish I was just like them. The ones who can say all these things are 'just normal parts of life' and not a big deal that requires work and effort to make happen, constantly.

[holidayay]

I'm having such a tough week.
Constant triggers. Summer season and everyone has family gatherings, weddings...and I am spending a lot of time alone.
I spent 3 days crying.
The rest of the time this week I have walked around feeling my life isn't worth a damn thing.
I resent my friends for their busy lives: their full families, their friendships they've had since childhoods, the weddings they attend of people they have known for years. All of which I have missed out on due to CPTSD.
I am so angry and sad and lonely.
When will life ever get consistently better?
I have a night shift tonight and it's the last thing I feel like doing. But I need to earn money.
I wish somebody could help me. Make it all better.

[Papa Coco]

Holidayay,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so triggered right now. I hope that by sharing that here helps at least a tiny bit.

Summer's end always triggers my EFs also. Autumn is happening here where I live. Leaves are falling, colors changing. Nights are getting cold. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Every year, Autumn triggers anxiety and dissociative episodes.

Hopefully as we reach out to each other, that we can all feel supported during our own unique triggering moments and dates and such.

I hope you can feel my friendship in this hug.

[holidayay]

It's been nearly 2 months since I last wrote in here.
I've been keeping afloat, somehow.

Papa coco, thank you - I resonated a lot with your message. It was so hard to adapt to the changing of seasons. To get used to the cold and dark mornings/evenings. Somehow it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't remember anyone caring about me being cold or scared or anxious about autumn and having to go to school in the Grey cold, sometimes without warm enough clothing. I don't remember getting tucked in under blankets or being given hot comforting drinks or hugs or anything of the sort.
I guess maybe that feeds into it.

I've been trying to do it for myself. Hot water bottle out all the time, got myself a new fluffy robe, and make myself lots of warm drinks.
Trying to learn new habits.

I've also been going to the gym the past few months. That's a habit I struggled to build my whole adult life and I finally cracked it, and now I go regularly and actually enjoy it. It helps immensely with dusting off the cobwebs, getting out excess anxious energy, dopamine hit post workout to ward off the depressive symptoms...and I've also been cooking myself more healthy meals. I lost a lot of the weight (finally) I gained over covid which has been really nice and good for my self esteem, especially now I can fit into the clothes I really like and the styles that make me feel most like 'me'. I had great shopping trip buying some lovely new clothes and make up..and may have spent a bit too much 

I have had some immense struggles, too. Sleep had been very bad. Lots of fast paced, emotive dreams. Living me exhausted and drained and scared and feeling dread.
I also had a little bit of a disappointing dating experience in September which for some reason made me feel a bit of hopelessness in other people.
We had had a really enjoyable few dates, then I noticed a bit less effort so I asked what his dating goals for the app were and to his credit, he was honest and said he didn't know what he wants and we agreed it was better for me, who is more certain in what my goals are, not to waste my time.
I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it has made me feel like trying is pointless and hopeless...for one thing, there are very few 'normal' single men around who aren't creepy/weird straight off the bat and then when I DO get along well with someone, and we are both in our 30s, even then it's a non-starter.
Dating apps are skewed representation in some way. It definitely attracts a higher percentage of avoidants for example. I don't want to begin any sort of dysfunctional relationship.
The hopelessness took over my optimism and energy and now I don't bother with the app. Will I ever actually meet a guy who is looking for the same things and shares my values and who I can enjoy myself with and who DOES know what he wants?
I feel so very doubtful.

Anyway...that's my updates from the past few months.
Guess I should also be grateful and congratulate myself on the good things I've kept up with but can't lie, my mood has been despondent.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
Nice to see you back here, and good to hear your updates.  I'm glad you've been making yourself warming drinks and having cosy wear to keep warm.

Hope 

[holidayay]

I've just woken up from hectic dreams and feeling only half asleep. My heart is pounding and I feel so sick and anxious.
My dreams now are different. Today, in my dream, I was going through each family member and the type of personality issue each one has that makes them dangerous to me. I felt anxious as *, and felt the simultaneous pressure I grew up with to placate them and fawn over them and protect them from themselves, almost? If I didn't, it would be a dangerous void or something.
But I stood firm despite how I felt. And now I have woke up with the feeling of pounding in my chest and chest deep pit in my stomach. I am anxious and scared for the future.

[Papa Coco]

Holidayay,

I hope things are calming a bit. It's been 11 days since you reported awakening into the anxiety.

I have triggered days where I awaken in what I call "a sense of dread." I worry about my finances, or my culture, or my kids or wife. It's horrible. The dread feels so incredibly real. I don't enjoy those mornings at all. I hope that, during the past 11 days, you've found some relief from the anxiety. The dread.

[holidayay]

Thanks Papa Coco.
It's been a while since I checked in here.

Happy new year to all.

I'm hoping for a steadier 2024. My only wish for this year is to get further back in alignment with my real self.
I wish I could say I have made massive leaps and bounds in this aspect. I haven't. I feel more disconnected than ever.
I don't enjoy much these days. My false self has well and truly fully shattered. There's not really anything left of it. And with it, has gone all the false fragments of identity I'd pieced together that were mostly in the interests of placating others.
I don't care for that anymore. I thought it would be liberating. It isn't. It has just scraped away to leave the full nothing that was underneath it, the very nothing that I always tried to avoid.
It's desperately terrifying.
Today all I could do was cry and feel sad. Again and again, the waves washed over me.
What's next from here? Where will my soul end up?
Because I'm skeptical I can live a life like this.

[holidayay]

Keep waking up throughout the night, feeling distressed and remembering different things.
My poor mind feels like it doesn't know where to start, in trying to work through the flashbacks and emotions.

Yesterday night, I kept waking up and remembering my older siblings. Siblings I found terrifying when I was little. In my family, everyone was always trying to get their needs met. It felt like because you couldn't meet them by turning to those older than you, or our actual caregivers, then they would turn on those younger than them, who were vulnerable and easier to scare into submission.
Home felt like where my bullies resided.
I was particularly affected by how they mocked me and sneered at me. And how they spoke constantly of themselves: of all the horrible things they would do such as getting into fights and harming people who they felt wronged them. My brother in particular was grotesque with his details. I would feel so pained for the people he hurt. He seemed to feel it was something to brag about, as though it made him cool or masculine.
I thought it made him seem monstrous.
I didn't want to hear the stories. I already felt terrified and anxious from my mum and other siblings. Hearing these stories of wannabe-gangster type behaviour would push me into the brink. Just leave me alone, I wanted to say.
As I grew up, I assumed some sort of role of listener and comforter/advice giver even though I really felt so drained and traumatised. It felt like the only way to have some sort of control in the situation, to commandeer it into some way of normality.
I feel sick remembering this.
It's like being given no choice. Crossing a young child's boundaries so often, and then the child grows up to believe they should fawn over you and look after YOU.
I am so angry at this.
It sickens me so much.
The very people who hurt me, stressed me out, I was then growing up to placate them and listen to them and become more traumatised hearing their insane stories and being expected to be a dutiful audience?
Laugh when they expect you to laugh.
Call them cool and interesting when they expected that.
Give them comfort and advice and soothe them when they expected that.
It makes me think everyone in the family had their needs so poorly recognised and met, that they went about it in disorganised and nonsensical means of getting them met. Who turns to a young sibling, 8 years younger, to tell them their problems and insane stories of violence and hatred, in order to get kindness and care from this child?
It was all so topsy-turvy.
Mum was too self-centred to do any of that. Even if she wasn't, she didn't have the skills anyway. She didn't seem to think like an adult. She seemed distant and full of hatred herself.

What a mess. How do I untangle this sorry unprocessed messy chapter of my life and let it leave me be?
I can still feel the fear and confusion and anxiety and sadness and helplessness that I felt all those years ago, in the pit of my stomach.

I guess I will bring it to therapy this week. I have an appointment in 2 days time.
First, today, I have to get through a work shift starting soon.
I thought I'd post some of my thoughts on here before getting up, to try to release some of these heavy emotions that wrecked havoc on my sleep yesterday.