AlterEg0's Journal

[Armee]

Sending hugs for your loss. I'm so sorry you lost your pet. 

[Hope67]

Hi Alter-Ego,
I am sorry to hear about your loss, and sending you a hug   
Hope 

[Alter-eg0]

Hi Guys,

Just checking in.
Things are going alright, comparatively.

I recently decided to give myself a little kick up the butt and try something new, to get out of that rut i'd been in. So I signed up for motorcycle lessons, and i'm hoping to get my license before the summer. It's a challenge, but i'm having fun and it's nice to notice that it's not as horrible of an experience as my driving lessons were 18 years ago. Granted I was a lot younger and more insecure then; with every little bit of criticism I almost burst into tears. And I felt a lot more pressure to succeed at the time. Right now, i'm just doing this for me and I'm aware that I need a little more time when it comes to learning practical things. I'm more a theoretical gal. So I'm just taking it as it comes and enjoying it as much as I can.

As for the guy i'm seeing; that's been evolving, too. I was scrolling through my chat history and realized that over the past three months, we've been in contact with each other pretty much every day. And we're seeing more of each other as well; at first we'd see each other maybe once a week or less depending on how busy we were, but we gradually got into a rhythm of seeing each other three or four times a week and it's been really nice. I feel comfortable around him, we have fun and we can have deeper conversations as well.

There's a lot of things that I like about him, that i've discovered along the way. He's kind and considerate, but not a push-over. He'll help me out or support me, but not in a coddling or condescending way. He has a good sense of humor, he's smart, he has an open mind. And he just seems...balanced. Healthy. Which is a strange experience, because in previous relationships, I was always the healthier one (which is saying something). That does worry me sometimes, when I look at myself and thing, well now i'm the red flag. Why would anyone be interested in that?
But he's been really good about it. I specifically remember a situation where I was really stressed out about a phone call I had to make. At first he kind of made jokes about it, and the usual 'I make phone calls all day, what's the big deal' thing. He made a joke that he'd text me the next day to make sure i'd done it, just to give me a little push. And that made me feel invalidated and silly, but before I could give myself the chance to shut down and block him out, I decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to communicate about it and see what would happen. After all, he's no mind-reader. So I told him that that wouldn't help, and asked him to do something else instead (I gave him an idea of what I needed). And without missing a beat, he changed his approach. And when we talked about it later and I tried to explain how these things work in my brain, he was really open to it. He simply said that it was something he hadn't considered because he didn't have this issue and didn't have any experience with what that must be like, but that although he didn't understand it from experience, he understood that it was a big deal for me. I was really glad that I took a shot at using this situation to practice communicating my needs and test how he'd respond, because as flabbergasted as I was (wait...he's not gonna fight me on this?!), I was really happy to experience what it's like when someone treats you and your boundaries with respect, even if they don't understand fully.

Three weeks ago, he invited me out to dinner. I think that was our first actual date, looking back. We had a great time, he stayed over, the next morning we just sat on the sofa having coffee and breakfast, and then we decided to go do something together. So we went and picked up his motorcycle, and then we went to a convention together. Afterwards, we did a nice little ride around the area and by the time we got home, it was cold and it was dinner time, so I just made us some food and we snuggled up on the sofa under a blanket and watched video's all evening. He stayed over again, and didn't leave until I had to go to work the next morning. So, effectively, we spontaneously ended up spending the whole weekend together and that's sort of become the norm now. He was with me last weekend as well, and he's picking me up later this afternoon to go away for the weekend together. So I don't think we can reasonably call this casual anymore, haha.

We haven't really talked about it explicitly, though we've had a conversation in which we both expressed that although this whole thing has developed way past what we initially intended it to be, there are no regrets and it feels good. I have told him that I really like him, and that didn't seem to scare him off, so that's good, haha. We're just taking it day by day, and we'll see what comes of it. Quite frankly, I think the way we've been taking it slowly and letting it develop naturally without those awkward 'what are we' discussions nailing it down, have actually helped me work around my usual attachment triggers.

Anyway, that's the update so far.

[Armee]

 

What am awesome update! That took a lot of courage to try out sharing with him how you felt and what kind of support you need and I'm so so glad that he responded well and supported you the way you needed and asked.

I relate to feeling like the red flag. The way you describe this guy he reminds me very much of my husband. It has taken 30 years of friendship, 18 years of marriage, and 4.5 years of therapy to get it through my head that he loves me, that love can coexist with my cPTSD, that I don't need to hide it all from him, and that he'll love me even when he sees the depths of my symptoms and past.

He himself is as stable and solid as you describe your boyfriend. I used to think he was really weirdly perfect and superhuman until I finally realized that it's just that he grew up not being deeply traumatized and that is the end result of that kind of childhood. It took so very long for me to understand he could love me as I am, not just the version of me that overcompensates for all my flaws.

He also understands me now even though he can't understand from his own experience what any of this is like or how a person can feel so badly about themselves. That comes from me sharing, him listening and respecting, and sometimes it takes a lot of time and repetition.

You are loveable as you are and it sounds like this guy sees that. I hope it keeps going well and that you are more and more able to be exactly yourself and to feel loved FOR being yourself and not in spite of being yourself. 

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks Armee, that does sound similar and it's good to hear! For years i've been saying that i'm not looking for a relationship, mainly because I feel that i'm incapable of having a healthy one. But hearing about people who have managed to make it work despite the issues we deal with, and not only that but also to work through those issues and heal (attachment stuff etc), that's awesome.

We went away for the weekend last week, and it was really nice. He had an appointment with a kitchen supplier in Germany on the saturday morning, so we drove to a hotel close to the border in Friday evening. It started snowing really heavily along the way, so it took ages to get there and it was a challenging drive, but it was good. We decided to take my car, because mine would be safer under the circumstances, so I did the driving and I put him in charge of the music, haha. The hotel was lovely (as was dinner and the breakfast buffet), and I drove us to the kitchen place the next morning. It was amusing being there with him, because obviously everyone assumed that we were together and making decisions for a home together. But what made it more amusing was that he actually did ask for my opinion on a number of things and actually took my input seriously, sometimes telling me he thought I was right and actually taking my advice.
After that, we drove back to the city and walked around for a while, had some lunch together, then I drove us back home. We subsequently popped into the supermarket for a few things, made dinner together, cosied up on the couch and eventually went to bed early (because utterly exhausted).

We've been spending our weekends together like this for a few weeks now, and I can't get over how natural it feels. Normally, i'd either be feeling suffocated and shutting down at this point, or i'd be anxious and getting enmeshed. But neither of those are the case. I'm fine on my own, I just really enjoy spending time with him and he feels like an enrichment to my life. It's strange and new, but i'm low-key envisioning what a future with him would be like, and it's not scaring me. I really like this guy, and for as far as I can tell at this point, he's a big green flag and I think we have a pretty good shot (assuming he feels the same way about me, obviously).

I've asked him if he'd like to go away with me over Easter, and he agreed. So we booked a lovely hotel in an area with a lot of nature, because we both like going on hikes. I also told him that my family was having an easter brunch on the morning before we leave, and half jokingly asked him if he'd like to come (not expecting him to actually agree, considering we're not 'official' or anything), but he actually agreed. So he'll be meeting the family, which is exciting . For the few things i've told them about him, they're all very curious, haha. Then today, he asked me to join him for coffee with his parents soon, too. So I guess we're taking another step.

[Armee]

This sounds amazing! And again reminds me of the first time I spent a weekend travelling with my now husband and just being shocked I could comfortably tolerate being with him that whole time. I just felt comfortable and natural and didn't feel like I needed to run away. Wishing the best for this for you!

[Alter-eg0]

Just checking in with another relationship update, because this whole experience is just so new and different that I feel the urge to write it down.

Another thing i've noticed that seems very healthy to me and that I really appreciate about him and the way we interact, is how openly he communicates, and how he actually tells me what he needs when it comes down to it. It makes it easier for me to do the same.
N had  a funeral on one day and heard that his uncle had passed on that very same day, so when I texted him at the end of the day to ask him about his day, he obviously said that he'd had a rough day. When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he simply said: "Yeah. But later though, I need to decompress a bit first." and then, an hour or two later, he texted me that he was on his way over (as we usually do on monday evenings) and he asked me if we could take a walk. So, we did. We went for a walk, and he told me about his day. Simple as that. But not so simple if I look back at previous relationships and remember how hard i'd have to work at guessing what was wrong, and dragging things out of them.

Last weekend was busy, but lovely.
I had my motorcycle theory exam in the morning, which I passed, yay. I spent the afternoon cleaning the house and going out for coffee, because Friday is my day off. I invited N over for dinner, which he agreed to, and we spent the evening watching Love is Blind (we've been watching that together and subsequently watching the body language analysis video's of it, which is hilarious and interesting, but it also makes for great conversation about all kinds of subject including relationships, values, etc.). Then, the next day, I had a long day ahead of me because I had to perform at a reunion with my highschool band. N actually initially had other plans that evening, but he cancelled those in order to join me, which was really sweet, especially since that meant that he'd not only be tagging along for the gig, but he'd have to sit through the rehearsal and join me for all the highschool-reunion stuff as well. I reckon most would have found that boring, but he seemed genuinely interested in meeting some of my friends, seeing me perform and learning a bit more about my past.

We headed down there in the morning with some time to spare, and ended up getting a coffee at my aunt's café in the neighbourhood. My aunt was really happy to see us and chat, she's also now the first person in my family who has met N. My mum must be jealous, haha. On the way back to the venue, I drove around the area to show him the places i've lived, etc. It's nice to be able to share parts of my life to someone who seems genuinely interested, and who does the same with me (he drove me through his hometown the week before). It makes me feel seen.
After that, we headed back to the venue for rehearsal, and subsequently headed out to get a quick bite to eat. Then we had to go back to the venue, for the first part of the show (which we both watched together). I was a little worried that he'd be bored, but he really enjoyed it. After that, it was my turn onstage. It's kinda funny because N and I know each other from the band we were in together, and now I was onstage with a completely different band and he was sidelined, watching me. After that, we stuck around for a while and watched some of the other bands. We had a great time, but being the old people we are, we did go home before midnight because we were both in desperate need of some sleep at that point.

During the car ride home, we ended up having a pretty important conversation that I’d been meaning to have for a while. You see, I really want to have kids. And up until recently, I assumed that I’d be doing it alone. I have been on the waiting list for donor sperm for a while, and last year, I got a call that I was at the top of the list. At the time, I was just starting a new job and I asked them to postpone for another year until I knew whether or not I’d be getting a proper contract. They were ok with that, though it was unconventional. I was asked to call back in April/May to let them know if we’d be moving forward with things. Well, it’s April now, but obviously, things just got a lot more complicated. I mean, I still want kids (and I know that N does, too), but obviously it’s too soon for us to make that decision and for me to call off the whole donor thing. At the same time, we’re serious enough for it to be weird if I were to go through with the donor thing right now. We’re in that grey area where it’s not a serious relationship yet, but we’re both keen to see where this goes and figure out of this it the ‘real thing’ and we have a future together. We’re in that grey area of figuring it out and it’s going really well. So you can imagine, it was an important conversation to have, to make sure that he knows that this is going on in my life and so that we both know where we stand. He was really understanding about the situation and I was also very glad to get it all out in the open, and to hear from him that we’re on the same page in terms of the stage of the ‘relationship’ we’re in. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with feelings, and that I’m not the only one seeing this as something with serious potential and wanting to figure that out. I’ve also decided that I do need to call the medical center soon and ask them what my options are in terms of postponing, if at all possible. If they put me back at the bottom of the list, that wouldn’t be too bad either, since the waiting list is 1,5 years long. That would give me plenty of time to figure it out, and not so long that I would have aged out of their max age-range by then.

Anyway, we got back home after the gig, ad thankfully, i'd been smart enough to find someone to cover for me at work the next morning, so we could sleep in. After getting up, we went down to a beach restaurant that he frequents, and we had a brunch together. Then, we walked on the beach for a while, and on the way back, we spontaneously went to have a coffee at his mother's. It was a somewhat odd time to do so, because N's uncles passed away that week and the family was preparing for the cremation, but despite everything that was going on, it was nice to meet his mother and step-dad despite the weird timing, and it wasn't half as awkward as I'd normally expect such things to be. Somehow, the whole situation and the conversations were very organic.

We spent the rest of the evening hanging out on the couch at my place, I made us dinner and we were just chilling. Went to bed on time because we both had work in the morning, and N had a rough day ahead of him with his uncles cremation. I also had a job interview that day (I’m looking for something new, as I’m not quite happy with what I’m doing now). At the end of the day, N texted me to ask if he could drop in (he’d only just finished family stuff after the cremation), and then he came over and we went for another walk to talk through everything that had happened that day.

Wednesday, I got my period and I heard that the job I’d applied for really wanted to have me, but they couldn’t make up the hours so I rejected them. I was kind of bummed and complaining about it over text and I mentioned that I’d run out of chocolate. When I got home from the gym that evening, he was at my house, sitting on the sofa with a pot of tea and a bar of chocolate that he went and got for me. I thought that was so sweet.

This weekend, he’s coming with me to meet my family for easter brunch. I’m really excited about it, I cant wait to introduce him to everyone. After that, we’re going away for the weekend to a nice hotel in the middle of a nature reserve, which is going to be great. I’m really looking forward to it.
Excuse the long story with mundane details, it’s more that I feel the need to log this stuff somewhere because it’s all so new to me and it feels significant. Things are just going really well, and I’m happy about it.

[Alter-eg0]

There I am again.

Easter weekend was great, despite the fact that N and I both had a pretty bad cold.
He met my family for brunch, and that went really well. Not that I need their approval, but it's just nice to see them get on well. Especially considering the people i've brought home in the past, haha.

Anyway, after that, we took his motorcycle to a hotel in the middle of a nature reserve and spent the weekend there. We walked a lot, talked, chilled, read our books in silence, had delicious food and just hung out. It was really, really nice and we had great weather for the most part. It didn't start raining until the way back on monday, which is always a bit of  a bummer when you're on a motorbike, but hey ho.

I met up with him again yesterday after my classes, and I ended up telling him that I love him. And he reciprocated. In fact, after a few months of 'figuring it out', we've decided to make things official; he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and my unfiltered reply was "f*ck yeah". There's a tiny little part of me, a remnant of my avoidant dismissive attachment style, who is freaking out a little. But it's faint, and i'm sure she's only warning me not to make the same mistakes i've made in the past, and she's right to keep me on my toes in that sense. Because doing things the healthy way this time round, takes a lot of effort. Even though it's a * of a lot easier doing so when you have a healthy, stable partner.
But aside from that, i'm really happy about it. It's a decision we took our time for, and we really took the time to get to know each other. And not without reason, considering i'm not the youngest and time is ticking; I really want to start a family and I dont have time to f*ck around. So to be frank, i'm not just picking a boyfriend, i'm picking the potential father of my children. We're taking it easy, but we're taking it seriously.

So yeah, i'm really happy!

[Armee]

 

This is awesome!

[Alter-eg0]

Pff, can I just say that I feel so incredibly greatful and lucky to have such an amazing man in my life...

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment, lots of things that are good, but stressful all the same.
I got a job offer the other day that I didn't think I was going to get, and i'm happy about it, but they also require a reference from my current employer. Which is scary, because that means that i'm going to have to have that conversation this week, but it's a bit weird to be asking your current employer to do you a solid and recommend you to someone else, so that you can leave. And the thing is, I love my team here, but the new job is a big step forward all the same. So I feel bad for leaving, especially with our current shortages and everything, but I also feel like I need to do this. But as you can imagine, getting ready to have that conversation has been nerve wrecking.

Yesterday, I had a rought day, a few things happened that triggered me and made me feel wonky, and the job situation running in the back of my head was an extra stressor. By the time I got home from my evening job at the gym, my boyfriend was there waiting for me, which is always nice to come home to. When I started telling him about my day, I ended up crying (which is actually a first within our relationship), and he responded so well to that. At first he just held me for a while, then he got me a cup of tea and held me some more. Then, when I'd gotten it all out, he made me laugh with a bit of an inside joke, and eventually, after i'd told him that the biggest issue was that I didn't know how to have that conversation with my boss and what to say, he asked me what I had in mind. He listened to me, took a few minutes to process, asked me some questions, and eventually (from his own area of expertise also) he helped me figure out the best way to approach the conversation and what to say (very specifically, which is what I needed). He wasn't condescending or coddling about it, he knows my strengths and knows what I can do, but he also knows which things I need help with sometimes, even though they might seem small or silly. He seems to understand that it's the little details that get me, and it helps to figure out a step by step approach. But I was overwhelmed and although I would have done it anyway, it was really helpful to talk to him about it.

When I thanked him, he told me something along the lines of, I know you're strong and you're used to figuring everything out by yourself, but sometimes it's helpful to collaborate. You're not alone anymore.
And somehow, that made me feel really emotional. I d*mn near could have cried again.

Later in bed, when we we're cuddling before going to sleep, he sort of repeated that notion. The fact that i'm not alone.
And people have said that in the past, usually it doesn't really land and I brush it off. But this time, it just really hit me.
It feels so good to have someone in my life that I feel safe with, and who has my back and shows it. We haven't even been together for that long, but it feels so profound. I don't feel trapped like I would have done in the past, I find myself wanting to be with him and connect with him more than I ever have with anyone, simply because he lets me be me, he gives me my space (and takes his, too), and I trust him never to take away my freedom (whether it be literally or figuratively). The fact that he lets me be free, makes it safe and desirable for me to connect more.
He makes me feel loved, we can be weird around each other but have serious conversations and such as well, everything just feels so natural...it's like we've been together for ages, and it just fits. He encourages and challenges me, but doesn't push me against my will. He's great at communicating, and doesn't leave me guessing or get passive agressive like any of my previous partners would have done. It's so strange yet so natural, to not have to tread on eggshells all the time.

I love this guy to bits, and I feel so lucky...

Anyway, i'm going to go upstairs and see if my boss is free. I have a conversation to start.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes with the conversation Alter-eg0.  My experience is that bosses generally understand and I hope that is true in your case.  I appreciate you also sharing about the support you are experiencing in your relationship.

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks, Rainy!

So the conversation actually went really well. It really helped, the way my boyfriend helped me out with defining the most important points and the best angle, I had written it down for myself so that I could read it through beforehand and make sure I had it at the ready in my brain.
My boss was really understanding. I made sure that he understood why I couldn't let this opportunity go, and that I did feel ambivalent because I really love my current team. He told me "this is your future, this is something you have to do", and he even said "For our sake, I hope they don't hire you. But for your sake, I really hope they do". And also said: "And if, for some reason, it doesnt work out....you'll just stay here." He was also more than willing to speak to my new employer and give me a good reference.
So where I was initially worried about putting myself in a compromising position by basically putting myself out of a job before I officially have the new one, I now have two viable options. I immidiately sent his details to my (potential) new employer so that they could contact him, and it appears that they did so the very same day. Because I got a message back yesterday, with an invitation to come over there and discuss further details.

So yeah, it looks like I have a new job for the new academic year. I'm a little nervous, obviously, because i'll be starting over once again and that's always hard work. But at the same time, i'm really excited as it has so many benefits for my and for my future. I'll be much closer to home, i'll be able to nerd out, teaching biology at a higher level than i'm currently doing, and the school i'll be working at also has a lot of music and theatre stuff, so i'll be able to get involved with that, too. Furthermore, if I do end up moving in with my boyfriend and starting a family in the future, i'll already be closer to home, so that's great!

Anyway, when I met up with my boyfriend last night after my evening job, he'd went out and gotten me some snacks, because he remembered what I like to eat after work. He'd even made sure to look up which brands I can actually have ( because i'm gluten & lactose intolerant), which is really sweet. He takes good care of me, i'm a lucky girl.

This week was really exhausting, but with good results. Glad i'm off today, so that I can just relax and let it all settle down a bit.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad the conversation was supportive.  It is difficult to start new jobs and I hope that the transition goes as smooth as it can.  I hope your rest is restful.

[Alter-eg0]

Well, another few weeks have passed and in the meantime i've resigned from my current job (effective at the end of the academic year, in july) and I start at my new job after the summer, which is great. Working closer to home is going to save me so much time and energy, and I really hope the work environment is better too. It's these last few weeks that i'm really starting to notice how exhausted I am, and how desperate I am to get out of here. Can't wait!

As for my relationship, things are going well. At the same time, they say that healthy relationships can be triggering if you're used to toxic ones, and i've found that to be true as well. It's like...as happy as I am about our relationship and as sure as I feel about it, at the same time, the more I love him, the more scared I get. Because the deeper I get into this, the more I have to lose. And i've noticed that i've been dealing with some anxiety there. I'll start worrying about the usual, you know, the whole "what if we get to a point where he has gotten to know me so well, that he doesn't like what he finds". And I don't know if I should tell him about those fears, because one of the very things i'm afraid of is that he'll get tired of my baggage and insecuritites eventually, if I let them surface too much. He's a great guy, he cares for me, he's understanding, I just worry that i'll be too much, even for him.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with what your job and relationship experiences.  Best wishes transitioning to a new job.